I wouldn't expect her to show a lot of interest in the material until she feels better about you. Until then, treat this as a how to be a good husband course.


I would find a way to make it happen anyway. Be creative. Can you send her flowers at work?

I think it's completely unrealistic for any job to expect that spouses be cut off from each other. I'd act like anyone telling you that is crazy is just push on persistently and doggedly to make it happen.


Again, I'd find a way to make it happen. Don't miss a show; you can't afford to pass it up. Block out an hour a day in your schedule. You can listen while you are doing something else, such as driving. Got to make it happen, some how, some way.

Yeah I have the app on my phone and wifi nearly everywhere I go. So that's really not a good excuse. I could call her desk. She does have a private line. I just didn't want to come off too pushy.

On another note: One love buster I was doing this weekend was being too pushy trying to get her out of bed. She has told me in the past that I let her sleep too much and I make her go back to bed. I was trying to get her out of bed all weekend with her just telling me "I'm trying" or "I'll get up in a minute". Whats a really good way to wake her up? She responds really well when her mother or cousin walk in and get her up? but when I do it, She passes me off.

I dont know that the idea there is all true. There are things, (many in fact), that I dont and wont share with my spouse. Has nothing to do with being fearful of them knowing, rather there are personal thoughts and feelings I have, that I dont want influenced by others (and that means ANY others), until I have made up my mind how I feel about them. Just one off the top of my head...religious issues. Before anyone hits reply before they finish, what I am saying is that I dont want to know, care to hear, or wish to discuss this issue in any way, as I am in the process (which may take who knows how long), of really formulating a belief system from not just what faith I was assigned due to parental beliefs, but what my life expirience has shown me. What makes ME feel happy and spiritual. I dont want that shaded, discussed or opinionized by ANYONE, and just the thought that someone else is even viewing the sources and materials I am studying, BEFORE I really am solid in my beliefs is destructive. The concept of anyone else exposing themselves to the materials and philosophies I am absorbing, then having the ability to ignore my desires to not discuss it, and impose their views or judgements, is a thought that irritates me to no end. Now that is just an example. Another quick one would be work documentations. I have had it happen that since I wasnt careful with paperwork, etc., that my spouse was curious and read quite a few. A month or so later, when I was talking to a client at an event, my spouse nodded knowingly at the material we discussed and even had some input. That was the worst thing possible, since the material they read was scrapped, and outdated, and a new firm who had no prior knowledge that my firm had been leaning in another direction at first was embarrassing to say the least. I was in a very bad situation, and since my spuse didnt fully understand as in depth as they should have, drew conclusions that were way to simplistic, and that were contrary to what was needed. Im just saying that while there is nothing in those topics to "hide" persay, I would never submit to exposing that material to anyone, and for those reasons. I knw that really isnt the focus of this, but in the interest of over-simplifying statements, like "if you have nothing to hide, there should be no problem", that is not always the case.

JBD, you seem to have a habit of hijacking other people's threads and posting your own issues there.

That is considered bad forum etiquette. When someone starts a thread, the intention is for them to get Marriage Builders advice - which means, advice based on the work of Dr Harley, owner of this website.

Someone else's thread is not the place for you to start disagreeing with advice, and debating the issue from your point of view.

Hey again!

So it has been a month or two since I was on last but I have to say that things are better than they were...

Last we met, my wife stated that she was willing to work on the relationship (for the kids) and we have started back on the road to recovery. To be honest, it has been one big roller coaster ride. Some days she is arm and arm ready for a fulfilling relationship, while others are met with uncertainty, chaos, resentment, and her wanting to get as far away as possible. She absolutely hates the idea of talking about the relationship and any time I bring up the program, the mood goes south and it all goes back to "Oh god, not this again."

We are back to "physical relations" and we have had a moment where there were actually firsts in an 11 year old marriage, but anytime I try anything, she tells me not to push it? Let things happen naturally. Basically this stands for: if she's not in the mood, I need to stop talking and touching. For which I respect. I guess 1 every other week is better than nothing. I spend a great deal of time trying anything to meet her emotional needs, yet I am scolded on trying to hold her hand when we are in the car? She is asking for more space but when I give her that, she seems even more distant. I'm not trying to rant, I'm just confused. The other night she said that she has forgiven me for the past, but she is still not over it.

I want the very best relationship we can have. The hard part is, how? The other part is, what does she see as the best relation ship ever? When I try to envision it, I look at the day we were married.

Is your wife still drinking, and smoking dope?

Actually no! We are on a budget now and all of that isn't in it. We are searching for our dream home and getting our finances ironed out. I found out that this is one of her biggest ENs.

Are you verifying that? How?

Actually I can see why she would be getting so annoyed now. She doesn't have a spare second to herself and everything is as translucent as it could be. I see all transactions and I have access to every account she has. Plus, I take her to work, pick her up for lunch, and take her home at night. She doesn't have time for any of it without me being up her ^&**.

When I do give her extra space, she comes back even more distant.

What is one of her biggest ENs?

How have you discovered her emotional needs?

Financial Security

I'm still working on that. She won't fill out the questionnaire, but I have noticed her reactions to different events. When money becomes anything of a topic, she almost has to give herself a timeout. She's a bookkeeper???

When I try to talk to her about what she wants, I get the reply "I don't know". When I know she is down or in a bad mood and I ask what's wrong, I get the "Nothing is wrong, quit asking." When I see that she is distant, I ask her if there is anything I can do to help out or relieve some of her stress, she says "no". I want to refer back to the book "Love Busters" about honesty, but I know that would bring up another argument or her being annoyed. BTW I back out of all arguments or potential fights. I'm just getting discouraged and afraid we are going to go back to the way it was or even worse.

That was disrespectful.

That may be the case, but it is something that I question. When she is at work, she excels and it is her passion. When she comes home it is like, shhhhh don't talk about money. When I attempt to handle the cash, I am shot down and disrespected with hurtful words.

If that is the only thing you have gotten out of my statements and the only thing you can point out, maybe this isn't the place for me.

Dont do the pity party "maybe this isn't the place for me" crap. The posters here are trying to help you see what it is that you could be doing wrong. Just stop, take it in, listen.

As for why its hard for her to talk about money at home, personally- its SO much easier dealing with money when its not YOUR money. You don't have to worry about your own personal failures with someone else's money. Of course this is simplifying it, there could be any number of reasons why its difficult or scary or whatever else for your wife to talk about money at home. Just giving you some insight.

I can see that. I can even relate.

I think I have written about 3 different responses to this. Each one I felt that I needed to delete it. I'll say this, I'm not looking for pity. I had a question, I have more questions, and it feels like I am getting unrelated push back. I have a ton of Love Busters that need to be removed from my life. but I also have a need to find the EN deposits that motivate her enough to remove the Love Busters from her life.

Please someone answer this for me:
If I can't talk about the relationship and I am to, in her words, "just supposed to let things happen", then how am I to figure out what LBs and ENs she sees and responds to?

Like you would with any woman you are dating and trying to get to know. You certainly don't show up on a date and say "Here fill these questionnaires out".

Sure it would be much easier if she would cooperate but it looks like you're going to have the use the old fashioned method of trial and error.

Very good point!

Ok so remember when I stated that finances was a huge EN for her? Last night I noticed her mood had changed even when everything seemed to be going great. I finally got her to open up and let me know what was on her mind. She is mad at me for spending too much money lately. I don't really understand why though. Every purchase lately has been for her, or discussed in length before spending. The interesting thing is, I was having similar thoughts about her spending. I was starting to wonder if the "mutual" spending was the problem, but I needed to be the one to blame. To try and get a better understanding, I asked her if she would like me to stand up and take control of the spending. This was not a good idea. I'm at a loss. Even when looking at the finances and receipts, it shows her spending is far more than mine. I'm not mad at this, I'm just wondering why I am the one to blame or why she is mad at me.

Good that you noticed



You need to get a better understanding of how the POJA works. It is not the length of the discussion that matters, it is that you are in agreement. Good POJAs will often be very short. Ours usually last less than a minute. But until there is 100% the default is to do nothing so no spending.

We are doing one right now as my (beloved) car is 15 years old. I expect that we will POJA this again and again over the next couple of months until we get it right. Our final decision will be better than anything we can imagine.

There is also no exemption from the POJA because you are buying 'for her'. If my DH presented me with a car that we had not POJAed, I would be devastated.