Dear All
I am in a complete mess and am trying to find any advice. I have read through Dr Harley's marriage philosophy and can see how I have unconsciously gone down the three stages of Marriage: Intimacy, conflict and withdrawal. Eventually ending up with an affair.
I am 68 and married for 40 years. I loved my wife very much and am fairly certain I met all her emotional needs but she has not let us have proper sex for 20 years and in the last 5 no intimate contact at all. I tried all the techniques but she just refuses to let it happen. She has broken my love and about 4 years ago I realised that I could no longer love her though I do not want to hurt her. She would not go to counselling or talk about things. I had never cheated (as it was so against my moral code) though I feel I have been cheated.
Unfortunately in the past few years someone came into my life that met my emotional needs and I had an affair which has now been discovered. I am now carrying this great weight of guilt on my shoulders for what I have done and because I have hurt my wife. She is a wonderful person and still in love with me, in fact what I have done has made her ill. I read with interest your articles on infidelity and how to recover. I think she would take me back and I would willingly follow all the rules you lay down in your guide to marital recovery. I still have contact with my lover but would stop that. The problem is following your rules I will have to surrender my need for intimacy as my wife just cannot provide that.
A further pressure in my life is my adult family have told me that if I divorce their mother and take up with my lover they want nothing more to do with me. I am cast as a villain and quite rightly. I have looked at my own feelings and why I did what I did. They are not difficult to define there was a feeling of resentment but also bitterness that my devotion was not being returned. The bitterness has now gone but I worry about the resentment. I know my wife will have resentment and I understand that but can I cope with a sexless future ?
I have conversations with men of similar age to mine they often complain of lack of sexual prowess some even suffering divorce because of it. I on the other hand feel it is a curse upon me.
I am at a difficult crossroads and I know you cannot tell me which way to go but I am hoping you can advise me on what pointers I should follow that will help me make a decision.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Are you willing to permanently end all contact with your affair partner?

Why don't you break off contact with the lover for life and get a divorce, then?

We don't help men cope with a sexless future here. We help them work the plan that actually brings about intimacy in marriage. We help them see that even though they have done all they can think of, they haven't done everything.

Step one is for you to break off contact with your affair partner, for life. Are you willing to do this?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, fission.

The first thing you need to do is cut off contact with your affair partner. You need to write a No Contact letter and have your wife approve it, then send it.

You did not have an affair because your wife would not have sex with you. You had an affair because of improper boundaries around women. Do not lay any blame for your affair on your wife. Many men do not get their emotional needs met by their wives and yet manage to not have affairs.

Your wife is the victim here.

You will need to take up extraordinary precautions in order to make it safe for your wife to even consider recovery with you.

Good for them.

This is yet another reason to drop your affair partner and pursue your wife. It will not end well for you if you don't.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

We can deal with the problem about a sexless marriage AFTER your affair has ended and your wife is willing to reconcile with you.

There is a solution. But that problem cannot be addressed until the affair is over.

So you have no strategy to help men cope with a sexless future just your plan to bring about intimacy I have read through and employed all the processes of building up deposits in the love bank etc and you think I haven't done everything!!. I have spent twenty years depositing my heart into the love bank. It is certain my wife will never have sex again. I took a vow of marriage not celibacy. I know the first step would be to end my affair forever and yes I will do that. What I wanted was some indication if the love buster of being denied intimacy could be overcome and what strategy could be used

When? How?

What on this list has been done? What is left to do?

That is correct.


I doubt that that is true. I think you are greatly underestimating what all is involved here.

For starters, you MUST break off contact with the other woman.

If you had employed ALL of the processes of this plan, you would never have had an affair. The fact that you are having an affair is proof that you did not follow the plan closely. There is a lot more of the plan to learn, but you must start with this step.


If your wife is able to meet your emotional needs and is unwilling to do so, Dr. Harley would recommend divorce. Here is his article addressing this:

When to Call it Quits Part 3


Excellent!


First of all, ask your wife if she will post here. If we hear her side of the story, there is a good chance we can help you both.

The common scenario we see here is that men are working themselves to death trying to make love bank deposits in ways that DON'T WORK. We teach them how to make BIGGER deposits with LESS effort.

Ask your wife to post here, and start working through the list of extraordinary precautions my wife posted.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

If you want to live a sexless future you are welcome to do it. Is that what you want? I mean, most guys have slightly higher expectations in life...

So what is a marriage if there is no sex ? Of course I had improper boundaries around one women in the end after 20 odd years of celibacy and I regret that deeply. It is not a question of having a victim It is a question of seeing a way forward My wife is hurt. My family and friends are hurt. They could not be hurt anymore if I divorced my wife and went with my lover. The question I am trying to find a pointer to is should I go down that road or should I try again with my wife knowing for certain that it will be sexless. Neither way has a happy ending for me. My wife not taking me back would in some ways be the best outcome.

Did you read the link I posted for you?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Will you ask your wife to post here?

Please answer.

Please answer.

Did I understand this thread correctly? What you really want is for your wife to divorce you so you can be with your "lover" (makes me sick to write that word in this context) and not be considered a villain by your family. Does that about sum it up?

AM

I am a bit older myself, and not to be dismissive, I think some of your words fell on ears that were looking at your position PERHAPS a bit askew. I have friends (or rather, HAD friends) that were in a mildly similar position to yours. YOU DID SAY THE "DROUGHT" AS IT WERE, HAS LASTED FOR 20 YEARS? Most of the loving couples on this site havent been married that long, much the less have gone that long in the bad situation you were in. THAT SAID, what were you thinking? You stated that she was resistant and unwilling to discuss your needs (sex, intimacy, which would maybe even be nice for her too), and that IS a problem.
As generations change, it has been my observation, that there is always some hold over to times gone by, and I am PRAYING that this is the case. You said that there was nothing physically wrong, (till you went elsewhere, and made her sick), so if physically there was no problem, even I, the LEAST skilled person here, could have thought of several options, or rather ways to approach your wife in ways to allow her to maybe at least take the first step to meet you in the middle, but after tolerating it for 20 YEARS? I am NOT saying you DID accept and condone a sexless marriage, but 20 years, is long enough for her to have believed you had.
I would rather light a candle than curse your darkness however, and I did have a friend with a wife whose MS, cost her her mobility and she was bound to a wheelchair for most of her later years. He never had the chance you did, and still can have. It is a simple question really, does the love you have for HER (not the adult children, but the woman you look into her eyes every night), is your love for her great enough that you are willing to accept the villification yu certainly have coming (and even less intimacy for a while), and bear yourself to her, about how sorry you are for your actions, how the OW will NOT be a factor, EVER, and how the only way you can truly be the man she adored, will be for you to prove what she means to you, and who knows, after you follow the steps, this may even serve to get her to see that you had been suffering yourself for 20 years, but your love for her kept you there and hopeful. IF that is what you believe, and what you truly feel, and you are more honest with her than you have ever been, and let her in and KNOW that you want to be with her, despite your huge mistake, then unless im wrong, the MB plan will be a perfect compliment to that sincerity.
If you are NOT sure however, or will still be split about your true desires, then you will have a very hard road ahead.
You were cheated sir, but by yourself, somewhat. 20 years is a long time, but 21 years ago, i imagine you DID have intimacy in your marriage. What changed? Why did you not take action then?