You say you have a soft spot for elderly and infirm parents.
Fine.
Know that you can let it ride and in the future perhaps regret having not tracked down and exposed to OW's mom.
Such is life.

Don't think that there is anything special about your H's reaction though to being exposed. He is so very text book wayward that we all relate. We have all seen it and felt the horror you are feeling ourselves. It WILL eventually settle down.

File for separation. I believe you can do so yourself at a county courthouse. Ask the lawyer if so and where you would do it. There are people there who will guide you in how to fill the form out.

You must now turn to protecting your assets.

Assets since you are joint owners of a business.

Save yourself and maybe in the future the marriage can be reclaimed.

Filing and Plan B are your best bets right now.

Protect your assets and your sanity and don't try to outguess anyone else.

Folks, I need some serious help with interpreting this. I received a very disturbing call tonight from my friend at the restaurant. She has finally reached her limit, and she is done. 3 staff members literally walked out tonight, not including her, but 2 of our cooks, plus our dishwasher, and my H did not pay anybody their pay. For our Friday night Fish Fry, we had quite a few customers walk out, due to the over 1 1/2 hour delay in getting food out.

My H has not been at the restaurant all week, he went in for about 45 min when the staff begged him to come in to help them. He is staying with OW. OW has tried to take over my position at the restaurant, but none of the staff respects her, she is mean to them.

Last night I guess the OW called the police on ME, after the Exposing to her friends. Except what happened is she had a warrant out for her arrest, and they went after her, and arrested her. My H took $500 out of the till to bail her out.

My friend said that 2 weeks ago, my H was literally crying at the restaurant, saying the OW is a mean drunk whore. My H never cries.....NEVER!

She said that when my H told the girls that he had left me, that he confided in them that he only used OW to get away from me, thinking I would leave him. This is the one I struggle with the most, especially after he so willingly took divorce off the table, and telling his sister we were only separated, after he told all the staff we were divorcing. I don't know if I should believe this one, or not. He had already proven himself to be good at lying, but I don't know if the reason is true or not. We had our issues, but they are nothing compared to what he is going through now. NOTHING!

My friend said that my H is scared of this OW, and he is in to deep, way over his head. He is not ordering supplies, things at the restaurant are running low, and he doesn't care. He told one of the girls he didn't care anymore, he could just get his old job back.

I believe this has nothing at all to do with me, the OW, or anyone else but my H, and the restaurant. I have seen the changes in him for the last year. I think he had become so overwhelmed, and it progressed, and the issues we were having, mounted on top of everything made it seem much worse.

I now believe that H's scary phone call to me last night was because OW was there, making him act that way to me. My friend said she noticed that once before as well with something he had said. He told her, "I will be with OW until she pisses me off." He then called her back, and said "I retract that statement, I will be with OW for as long as she'll have me."

I don't now what's going on. I think this is a cry for help of some sort that has been going on for the last year, and escalating to this point when he started the affair.

Another fear I have is that my friend said the OW is doing drugs, and possibly H has gotten himself involved with that. I don't know. I tend to believe that this woman is slowly building up control over him.

He is so bitterly angry towards me, and then I hear all of this, I just don't know what to think. I don't know if I completely opened up to him what would happen, especially after the Exposing, I don't think he'd let me in.

I'm fearful for him, and have been worried about something like this for a long time.

He is following the wayward script to the letter.

File for a legal separation and IMMEDIATELY ensure that you protect ALL of your marital assets.

The money in YOUR joint account just bailed the tramp out of jail.

Yes, $250.00 of that was You paying to bail her out.

Do you see what will happen to the rest of your funds.

The business is dead and is NOT going to survive and all of your assets will be used to try to keep it afloat for a few weeks longer, but the end is inevitable.

It is a LLC, so the corporation will properly need to discharge it's debt in bankruptcy court.

1. Protect your assests by withdrawing them all immediately.
2. File for legal separation.
3. Get an IM to deal with any and all messages from your WH.
4. Send him your Plan B Letter.
5. Change your e-mail address and phone number so tbat be can not bypass your IM and initiate contact with you.
6. Once he advises your IM that he will join you full on in a program for marital recovert, then your IM can let you know.

Ignore and eliminate ANY contact or information about or from your WH.

Doctor, Doctor..... It hurts every time I do this.

Well, then stop doing that.

LTL

You don't need to interpret any of that.

Would you go into a Bar at closing time and try to interpret what some marble mouthed drunk was attempting to say?

LTL

All the more reason to protect her!

I remember thanking God my elderly grandmother was dead when I exposed. Thinking it would kill her. She was a Christian woman who'd raised nine children, dozens grandchildren and great grandchildren happily. She would never understand her precious grandson in law sleeping with his best friends widow - my best friend, right?

Wrong. My mother was aghast at my attitude. My grandmother had once upon a time risked her family for her OWN affair and my grandfather won her back magnificently. In gratitude she became a loving matriarch and gave him the family of his dreams.

My mother said it was a SHAME she couldn't help. "She would have been your greatest ally".

This woman likely has far more life experience than you and deserves to know about her nearest and dearest, they are her life's work and if she is dependent on them - needs to know who to trust for her own protection.

Time and time again the unsuppotive exposure targets turn out to be wayward themselves. Ones who still have the secret and never recovered. They do tend to pass these behaviours on too. My FiL was the exact same.

Nothing at all to do with his health.

You don't need health to speak your disappointment.

I think one observant poster pointed out that the story re OWs mother keeps changing from dead, dying, to born again.

Waywards feel guilty and deeply depressed (weeping is not uncommon at all though they show their hard side to the BS) throughout the A and they tend to squirm at the idea of people knowing long before exposure happens. It's their greatest dread.

She doesn't want her mother to know - hence the spin about her. And I'd be willing to bet her reason has nothing to do with her mother's health.

I'm so pleased you have a great lawer.

Exposure is first priority.

Plan B (and legal, financial protection) is second.

She pulled her FB page, and no one will talk to me about her anymore, they don't want to get involved. I don't know the mom's name, but I will try to keep digging. I have one more source who may tell me, and will check with him.

I'm so thankful for this forum. To hear all of your explanations about this behavior makes much more sense now. Is there ever a point at which you can tell they are getting close to being ready to end it, and have had enough of the A and lies?

The account is pretty much depleted right now. I'm going to wait till Monday, the day he does the deposits......possibly Tues if he's feeling lazy enough......and as soon as the deposits go in, and all the CC transactions are deposited as well, I will go pull half. I have a call into my lawyer, but she doesn't have an assistant right now, so all I can do is wait for her to return my call to make the appointment.

He is going to be at the house here on Tues and Wed working on fixing the garage. I'm going to make sure I am out of the house, and away for both days. I am going to have my plan B letter done, and ready for him to have on Wed, his last day here.

The one thing he said that was most concerning to me, in my other post, was that he said he used OW to get away from me. This one really hurt me, because our relationship between he and I was not that awful. Is it safe to say this was all part of his lies?

She didn't pull her FB page! ANOTHER fricken lie from H!!!

If his lips are moving.... Even if he were to say 'I love you' at this stage it would be a lie. His entire being serves the A.



Get a PI to find her if you have to. It's worth any money - running a gold digger off will pay for itself.

They have been gaslighting you for ages into believing that her mother is no help to you. Literally a dead target. Why would they do that unless she is actually a bullseye target?

They (sorry) are both experienced waywards who know how to protect the A from exposure.



Typical script. It relieves his conscience and tears you down. Unless you've been holding him hostage at gun point I think it's safe to say he didn't need a drunk goldigger's help to get away.



Think of it as being a cocaine high - false euphoria. He knows she's fake happiness but she's always willing to play fantasy and give him that high.

It gets harder the more that real life (exposure) intrudes. He (a hopeless addict) will never 'get ready' or start to assess the affair as being worthless while it has him in its icy grip (forever), but nevertheless the highs are fewer and far between. More fights, less fantasy. He is just as much in need of a hit - he just isn't getting them.

You won't see anything good from him until she is well out of the picture and he's gone through a full withdrawal.

Even after withdrawal he remains vulnerable to an A restart forever - if any contact with her is allowed.

So now you can find OW's mother. You need to talk with her. Any caring mother would want to know if her daughter was wrecking another family. Why do you think the waywards are trying so hard to keep you from telling her.


Why, why, why do you keep listening to your WH and believing anything that he says? You are making poor decisions based on lies from a LIAR. Why?

Are you going to be able to stop believing a liar or are you going to let him manipulate you forever?

Be smart Ginger.

I wrote this in 2011. Others here were saying it long before that! The 'Never take the Word of a Wayward' thread I started with this post has many examples of people who heard the same lies over and over.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2549782&page=7

Do focus on your finances and your assets right now.
File legal seperation (or divorce)
And count the restaurant as dead.

Put your love for H aside and protect your future.

This is not going to shoot you in the foot or show lack of love for him or commitment to your marriage.

It will send the message that you are of value and that you are a quality woman and wife.

In order to understand your husband's mentality, you should compare him to a falling down drunk. Truly. He is just as high on his affair as an alcoholic is on alcohol. If a drunk alcoholic told you that he "used alcohol to get away from his wife" as an excuse to drink, wouldn't you laugh? Well, you need to just laugh at this nonsense. If your husband wanted to get away from you, all he had to do was leave!

In the meantime, go to the OW's Facebook page and COPY all of her contacts and paste them into a text doc for safekeeping. Find her mother!!

Indiegirl, that is AWESOME!!! Thank you for sharing!

I am slowly getting stronger as I go on here, and learn. I have reached the point where I am angry, and PO! Maybe it took me longer than some, but I can't change that. I am truly beginning to see how this works for him, and why things happen, with help from everyone here. So grateful for your experience, I would be a total basket case without it, and not able to move forward.

Unfortunately, I can't reach my lawyer until she calls me back, but I know what I need to do, and I promise, I will do it. Someone mentioned one of those DIY legal separations, but I feel more comfortable speaking with my lawyer first.

The one thing I feel bad about right now, and only this one thing, is that whatever money I take will effect our staff. But, I can't deal with that guilt, HE did this.

And yes, I do have value, and I am an amazing woman! His loss right now! You certainly won't find my butt in the bar, drinking myself ugly till I can't even function!