my God... i didn't even think of this... i can't believe I've missed so much of this...

I must be stupid because I still can't see my wife as having the affair type... she might be wanting a new relationship after the divorce and is using that as a goal. I don't know, I'm not even sure why i give her the benefit of the doubt anymore...

There is a thread over on Operation Investigate that gives a link to a PI association.


I don't think you can put yourself in her shoes unless you have had an addiction. An affair is an addiction much like alcohol or narcotics. People lie and distort the truth in pursuit of their addiction.

You haven't ever thought about it because you have been very hyper focused on your own bad behavior. When you are focused on your own behavior as the CAUSE of the break up, you aren't looking at anything else.

here

Good read, and here is another working theory. She's not in an affair, but she's seen enough good husbands in our neighborhood to know she can certainly do better, and is willing to bet on that vs. staying with an "old dog" that say he can learn new tricks but who knows?

Let me find my PI and go from there. I almost rather she has an affair so at least I know what to do and expose her. If she in fact isn't in an affair, and that she's doing this purely to bank on an unknown future, then I guess I must have been really that bad in our marriage...

thank you all again.

Here Private Investigators

And also this. Please Explain Gaslighting

You are still in your home, correct?

Men Don't Leave Your Home

yes, that's correct. She moved out because she couldn't stand anything that's associated with me, including the house I bought for her. She left everything that even has a hint of me, our marriage photos, her wedding dress and rings. everything.

Thank you for the link, my heads not in the right place yet to think strategy for her unconfirmed affair.

I also want to say that it's not I doubt your opinions and experience (as well as MelodyLanes's), I just have a lot to process since it never occurred to me my WAW would be having an affair. I also want to keep my mind open just in case she really does just hate me, and that's the only reason she left. Thank you again.

"Good read, and here is another working theory. She's not in an affair, but she's seen enough good husbands in our neighborhood to know she can certainly do better, and is willing to bet on that vs. staying with an "old dog" that say he can learn new tricks but who knows? "

Since we don't work on theories around here, I would strongly suggest you hire a PI and get the facts, Dr Harley works on facts and 40 years experience. I have been here for 14 years and have observed the same thing he has in regards to separation.

"Let me find my PI and go from there. I almost rather she has an affair so at least I know what to do "

Good man!

"I also want to say that it's not I doubt your opinions and experience (as well as MelodyLanes's), I just have a lot to process since it never occurred to me my WAW would be having an affair. I also want to keep my mind open just in case she really does just hate me, and that's the only reason she left. Thank you again."

This is exactly the right approach. Your next steps should be based on facts and evidence.

Yes, an open mind means checking every possibility.

I probably should get some sleep, but I'm reading everything I can on this website. Maybe to keep my mind at how quickly the situation has deteriorated, and how I felt so much hope last week vs. today.

This came across as something that mirrors my situation.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042b_qa.html

My wife is in 100% Taker mode right now. She's always been a Giver, and I abused it by being a Taker.

God, please give us the strength we need...

I think you have a lot of hope! If you will find out if there is an affair. I am not sure why you feel this is hopeless because it does not look hopeless to me. I do believe there are many things going on behind the scenes in your life and once you get them out into the open, your chances of recovery will be much greater.

Thank You MelodyLane, I really appreciate your support, as well as the others on this board.

This morning, I had a chance to go through some of our stuff, and found notes my wife kept, as well as books she's been reading. These notes were left around various parts of the house, all notes of self encouragements, positive affirmations to help her get through the days. Some of these were dated as far back as May 2014. These were her way of crying out for help. In addition, she had books about finding love, inner peace, meditations, etc. Another sign of her needs not being met. How did I miss all this?! They were heartbreaking for me to read, and it brought me to tears for my failure to meet her needs and that she had to resort to writing notes to sooth herself in her times of neglect.

I wish so much I can take all that pain away from her, and to think she suffered all those months of my poor behavior absolutely breaks me. She is so much stronger than I gave her credit for. Here I am, broken and in pieces, yet she endured for so long, and so often with smiles and a positive attitude. I am so ashamed of myself...

You can take partial blame for the sad state of your marriage, but if she is having an affair, it will be because she has poor boundaries around men and made choices over which you had no vote. If she is having an affair, you are the victim here, not her. So please withhold your sympathy until you have the full truth about your life.

Once you rule an affair in or out, we can help you devise a plan that will give you the best chance of recovery.

If she is having an affair, who do you think it would be? Do you have any ideas?

One thing that put my mind at ease after I was punishing myself for things that I neglected in my marriage that I was told was:

"If I Knew Better, I Would Have Done Better"

Take that to heart.

You are only 50% of the marriage. Your wife has/had a responsibility to get her message across to you, her husband,in a manner and method that would achieve positive Love Bank Deposits for both of you.

The MB Program teaches that type of Joint Agreement and Radical Honesty in a manner that does not create hurt feelings and resentments, or keeping a scorecard.

You are Not A Mind Reader!!!

BUT..... IF she is entertaining any affair, or an affair waiting in the wings, then your attempts at making Love Bank Deposits will be outwardly rejected. You continue to do them Anyways.

THIS is critical and you MUST FIND OUT!!!

Get the intel by any means available and then find out what to do next.

LTL

Thank You everyone. I will find ways to gather evidence, but my heart believes she hasn't strayed. And I'm a very skeptical guy too. She was a stay at home mom that spends all her time raising our child. She just recently started work and she works with women.

My confidence ebbs and flows, which isn't typical of me. I feel stronger now, and read one of her favorite books, ***EDIT*** That made me want to write this letter to my wife:

Dear Jane,

I was going through all of our photos this morning, and I came across these notes you wrote. Please see the attached scans since they belong to you.

As I read each of these notes, I realize you were so much stronger than I had ever thought. I spoke shallow of enduring pain, of knowing how to overcome obstacles, and of having grit, as if I knew what they truly meant; I even told you you didn�t have grit. In these notes, I realized you had been living unhappily for about a year, yet, you managed to find the strength to endure all my poor behaviors. Finding the courage to seek independence, and to provide our son with happiness. I crushed your soul so many times, yet, you have risen above all that weight, and pressure and shined through with your brand of happiness and perseverance. I know it must have been painful to suffer my constant control and strict rules, and to have neglected you. There is so much pain and tears there, and it breaks me to know I have been so cruel and insensitive for so long. Yet, you always put on a happy face.

The pain and shame I�m feeling now, I deserve, and I deserve it a hundred fold. Even then, it won�t compare to what you�ve already gone through. I wished for a Time Machine in the past few weeks to undo my mistake, but now I wish for the same Time Machine to undo your pain instead.

Through this, I feel even more determined. You asked me why I am doing this to myself last night, and while I felt demoralized and pained, I can only remind myself of your strength. Like Marianne Williamson said in her book, A Woman�s Worth, �At every moment, a woman makes a choice: between the state of the queen and the state of the slave girl. In our natural state, we are glorious beings. In the world of illusion, we are lost and imprisioned, slaves to our appetites and our will to false power.� You have chosen to be a Queen, and rightfully so, and that husbands can�t help your restore and achieve what you want; that can only come from you. I believe this is your goal and your call to change, as I understand it in the context of this book. If it�s my place, and if you allow me, I want to be a part of your growth, and embrace your strength. I hope through all my poor behaviors, that I did wish for you to be strong and intelligent. I don�t wish for you to be less, or is trying to hold you back from your potential. You, therapists, family, and friends will keep me accountable. If you can change for the better, so can I. Marianne Williamson said �People change. No one is stuck who chooses not to be.� Please note my intentions are pure, and if I stray, let me know. Let my current crisis be my crucible, and I will be a good man. Our son can see us as good examples for his own marriage and future. This I will swear my life on.

Words are easy, actions are truths.


John

I hope you didn't send it. If she's having an affair, it would be entirely inappropriate.

I wish you would stop expending energy denying that she could be having an affair, and writing letters on the basis that she is not, when you really do not know. Why are you so determined to stick to the belief that she is not? Do you think that any of us that married spouses who ended up having affairs, knew that they were very capable of having affairs (as indeed we all are)? Do you think that we suspected it of them when we made our vows? Of course we didn't! And we didn't jump to that conclusion when they DID in fact start having the affair. The spouse who is having an affair does not announce the fact - she lies about it and hides it. She works hard to keep an innocent face, and to act the same as always, when at home.

But there are some things they do, that, looking back, we can see were evidence that an affair had begun, and moving out of her home and being completely finished with the husband is something a unfaithful wife does, when she has someone else waiting in the wings...

...as is admitting that "there is someone else" - which, let's not forget, your wife said to you!

You are not harming anyone or hurting your marriage by hiring a PI and doing as thorough an investigation as possible, so get on with that. However, you WILL harm your marriage if you turn out to be wrong, and you let this affair become ever more entrenched.

Thanks SugarCane, I will talk to a PI on Tuesday since they weren't around yesterday when I knew of the resources.

Assuming she doesn't have a "burn phone," her cellphone records appear clean. I checked all the numbers and there weren't any numbers outside of her girlfriends and mine that were abnormal in frequency. same with her text messages, none were going a specific number I didn't know about. emails looked pretty good too as of 3 days ago based on what I saw on her cellphone. I'm not a PI, but I am a skeptic. What I don't know is when I have the kids for a few hours, if she's out meeting any OM. I check her GPS navigation logs, and looks clean there. She's not very techy, so I can't imagine that she was clearing her electronic footprints.

She's also using my laptop still, and I can remote connect to that. All looks clean.