I caught my husband (not legally married though) of 12 years having an emotional affair with one of his direct report employees (he's the supervisor) in February. Hundreds of text messages and IMs. He said they ended it and we had a bit of a reconciliation, but it was a mess because he was withdrawn and depressed over her, and I was a wreck.

He then left to "clear his head" because he claims like a borderline breakdown/midlife crisis, but after a month away, he ended up back with her after her husband kicked her out (finally, cause she's a horrible human being). I knew it would happen though because they work together. He wasn't willing to end all contact and leave his job as the Surviving An Affair book says to do.

He's since ended our marriage (almost 4 weeks ago now), and moved out completely last weekend. Because we are not legally married I filed a legal separation agreement to hash out our joint property and assets in order to protect myself from her grubby hands. He's with her now "exclusively" and they have had sex. He considers her his girlfriend, but they do not live together. Her divorce hasn't even been filed with the courts yet.

Not to get into too much detail, but it's clear that he's obsessed with her but she's not as into it. She feeds him what he wants to hear and she's lonely from her own marriage disaster, so I believe that my husband is just good for her "wounded bird" status right now and he's thrilled to be "saving her."

It's also suspected by many that she's after his money and/or a promotion at work as he's now promised her he'd expedite her new job in the company since the affair started. She has a very shady and calculating personality. She also definitely took advantage of his mental vulnerability he was experiencing via his breakdown and the withdrawal issues that happened between him and I. (We grew apart while I was earning my master's degree due to crazy job and school schedules for both of us.)

I am trying to follow the path of "natural death" of the affair and I have cut off all communication even though he wants to remain best friends. Sorry, can't have your cake and eat it too. We were talking daily - multiple times, but I ended that this past weekend.

And while he has ended our relationship, there is still a bit of confusion for him as he says he still loves me and if he wakes up and realizes this was all a mistake, he will come home. Him and I have cried and sobbed and been very emotional over it all, but he just can't say no to her despite all of his tears and feelings that his head and life are a mess. He's an addict for her - literally. He's high on hormones and emotional attention right now.

And we've had huge conversations about what we both did wrong, we got open and honest, and it's clear that it is completely repairable, but he doesn't want to do any work. He's still being selfish and basically lazy regarding us - she's no work and is an easy "high." She's a happy place right now.

I know our marriage is easily repairable, we have an amazing foundation and a unique compatibility (and chemistry still), just he's not interested in trying right now - we're too much work and she's easy and makes him feel "content." I know he's gotta get the addiction out of his system for sure. And now he thinks he's messed things up so bad he doesn't understand how we could get back together... even though I've explained it to him 10 times that it's not that difficult.

He actually promised me a dozen times he'd read the Surviving An Affair book, but he never did. The more he couldn't let her go the more he got angry and then told me the book was nothing he was interested in reading - he didn't need a roapmap because he was unwilling and didn't care.

And he's slashed and burned our life, just dropping the mic basically and leaving me everything and throwing money at it all to try and make up for how much he's hurt me. His guilt is very high and he says he can't even look in the mirror and that he's a colossal douche bag. He says he never thought he'd do this to me and he doesn't understand how/why he's done it... but he can't say no to her. He just can't.

He is a hot mess of emotions; he's behaved line for line from the Surviving an Affair book. I feel like I have a script for his behavior and how things are unfolding. (And the problems we were having are also along the books' guidelines.)

And there are a ton of reasons they will implode in the real world because their bubble of fantasy will definitely burst (starting with the fact she has a kid and my husband never wanted children/doesn't like children - he's 40 and has been that way his whole life - but now because of his obsession with her he says he wants kids and is open to being a step dad... yeah, that will be implosion #1 of many - he's not wired to be around kids. He's horrible with them.)

Right now I'm struggling with waiting out the natural death... I know it will happen. There's no way these two will make it. Their bubble burst will be massive. Even her soon to be ex-husband was like "You're dating him?? That's really opposite of me." They are far too opposite with different values. They have a big age difference and generation difference. She's white trash and he's an educated executive. They're both selfish as hell. They went into this with dishonesty. They're broken and haven't fixed themselves. And the kid thing is the icing on the cake (and he hasn't met her son yet and they're putting it off - my guess is because they know it's thorn in their affair side.)

But hours feel like years right now, and I am so lucky to have tons of friends/family on my side. 100+ actually. But it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Not talking to my best friend of 13 years total makes it feel like he's died. And I want to fight and not let her win. But I'm trying to tell myself she won a battle but she won't win the war.

The big thing though coming out of my sadness/frustration is I want to expose them at their company. This relationship is highly inappropriate and if she gets the promotion it's like border line illegal just because she's had sex with him and he wants her to work for someone else so they're not going against company policy!!!

I work and do ok for myself, but half of my mortgage money comes from him, which I need. I bet he would get fired over this or she would - or both. I also don't want to make life hard for her son (screw her don't care, but her child has been a victim of this mess).

How do you stop the feelings of revenge when you're waiting out the natural death?? I've been the bigger person through all of this but it's getting harder each day to stay focused on the long-term goal and not short-term satisfaction. And I feel like I have an amazing power card to ruin their lives that I shouldn't waste, but I know karma and the natural death will do that for me.

I guess letting go of the control is the hardest...

Why have you never married?

We used the money for our wedding to buy two homes and pay off all of our debt. We were supposed to get married after I finished graduate school.

Can someone explain why the hell my post was moved here. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with my husband's affair and I won't get responses here. I need people to respond who are dealing with a cheating husband.

How do you survive Plan B?? HAS ANYONE DONE PLAN B AND WAITED OUT THE AFFAIR NATURAL DEATH???

I caught my husband of 12 years having an emotional affair with one of his direct report employees in February. He said they ended it and we tried to reconciliation, but it was a mess because he was withdrawn and depressed over her, and I was a wreck.

He then left to "clear his head" because he claims like a borderline breakdown/midlife crisis, but after a month away, he ended up back with her after her husband kicked her out (finally, cause she's a horrible human being).

He's since ended our marriage (almost 4 weeks ago now), and moved out completely last weekend. He's with her now "exclusively" and they have had sex.

I am trying to follow the path of "natural death" of the affair explained in the book, and I have cut off all communication even though he wants to remain best friends. Sorry, can't have your cake and eat it too. We were talking daily - multiple times, but I ended that this past weekend.

And while we are separated, there is still a bit of confusion for him as he says he still loves me and if he wakes up and realizes this was all a mistake, he will come home. Him and I have cried and sobbed and been very emotional over it all, but he just can't say no to her despite all of his tears and feelings that his head and life are a mess. He's an addict for her - literally. He's high on hormones and emotional attention right now.

And we've had huge conversations about what we both did wrong, we got open and honest, and it's clear that our marriage is completely repairable, but he doesn't want to do any work. He's still being selfish and basically lazy regarding us - she's no work and is an easy "high." She's a happy place right now.

I know he's gotta get the addiction out of his system for sure like Plan B says. He actually promised me a dozen times he'd read the Surviving An Affair book, but he never did. The more he couldn't let her go the more he got angry and then told me the book was nothing he was interested in reading - he didn't need a road map because he was unwilling and didn't care.

And he's slashed and burned our life, just dropping the mic basically and leaving me everything and throwing money at it all to try and make up for how much he's hurt me. His guilt is very high and he says he can't even look in the mirror and that he's a colossal douche bag. He says he never thought he'd do this to me and he doesn't understand how/why he's done it... but he can't say no to her. He just can't.

He is a hot mess of emotions; he's behaved line for line from the Surviving an Affair book. I feel like I have a script for his behavior and how things are unfolding. (And the problems we were having are also along the books' guidelines.)

Right now I'm struggling with waiting out the natural death... I know it will happen. There's no way these two will make it. Their bubble burst will be massive. They are very opposite each other, age difference, generation difference, they work together, they live a mile apart, and she has a kid. He has never wanted kids, is horrible with them, but he's so drunk on her he's actually saying now he wants kids after turning 40!! He hasn't met her son yet though... they're waiting.

Hours feel like years right now, and I am so lucky to have tons of friends/family on my side. But it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Not talking to my best friend of 13 years total makes it feel like he's died. And I want to fight and not let her win. But I'm trying to tell myself she won a battle but she won't win the war.

I guess letting go of the control is the hardest...but it sounds like it's the only way to make Plan B work.

It's so hard I have days I want to just turn them in at work. I have photo evidence of their affair. But they will get fired more than likely. And that will do me no good. But revenge makes the short term feel good even though I'm trying to save the long term.

This is being moved to the appropriate forum, Dating and Relationships. Please don't start up another thread on this forum. Any questions, send me an email. Thanks, Denali

How old are you, do you have children with him?

Plan B is not appropriate for your situation .

In many areas, you can get legally married for less than $100.

Regarding your evidence, Dr. Harley does not encourage exposure of heating girlfriends/ boyfriends.

It's not an affair if you're not married. Painful sure, but since the relationship status is a private matter between the two of you, you're legally in danger of committing defamation of character by calling it an affair.

Without a marriage certificate it's not.

As for Plan B that is for married people too. It also does not 'wait out the A' exactly. It protects the BS from the pain of being married to someone else's bf. Also, since married people have a big decision to make by pulling legal triggers like divorce separation etc, Plan B allows for a period of grieving and reflection before making that decision - which coincidentally also allows time for the other spouse to save the marriage.

A married person cannot date without becoming an adulterer themselves, so they might as well Plan B.

You can date, and there's no reason to act like a married person. I would just do Plan no contact. He failed the interview for marriage.

Was this his idea?

I'm sorry, but now you know why. Are you very familiar with his past relationship history?

***EDIT***

Your relationship is defined by not being married. You can spackle all you want, but you aren't married. He is your boyfriend.

Go no contact with him and get a lawyer to get out of any legal entanglements you have with him (houses). Count yourself lucky you weren't married to him and cut your losses.

If you don't have a marriage certificate he's not your husband. You're redefining words to suit yourself. You can call a dog a cat all you want, but it's still a dog. You can call your boyfriend your husband if you want to, but he's not your husband unless you're married.

Have you read the book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders? This would be a good book for you to read.

Nobody is trying to bash you for not being married, if you feel that way. But Marriage Builders differentiates between married and not married. You have somehow bought into the fact along the way that not committing was the same as committing. It is not. You have bought into the fact that dating is the same as marriage, since you use the word interchangeably. It is not.

This is a painful situation for you and I'm sorry for that. You are not married, and have no children. The rules of surviving infidelity and recovering a *marriage* do not apply here. Break up and move on. That is the beauty of being a renter, a girlfriend. You don't need to go through all the messy stuff, you can move on and find someone better with no strings attached.

It is probably a lot easier to swear at us than face the reality of your situation - marriage wasn't a priority. He didn't legally commit, and always had the option to walk away without the stress of divorce. That is what happened.

So, you can get angry at us/him/God/the law for not accepting your non-marriage as marriage, OR, you can reserve your commitment for a man who will actually marry you.

What astounds me about threads like this is:

We have been down the road you're on. Generally nobody in the west marries without dating at least for a while. Many of us (myself included) have gone through what you're going through while dating, and then again while married.

So yes, many of us are qualified with first hand experience to say it ain't the same ball of wax.

We've been on both sides of the fence. We're sorry for what has happened to you, it is a horrible thing. I get that you guys were planning on getting married soon. BUT...who are you to come here and say to all of us that we're full of it, when we're the ones who have been married and been the victims of infidelity, and you are the one who has not?

It just strikes me a little like someone sick with a cold telling someone else who's survived pneumonia that the cold is just as bad as having pneumonia. I don't get it, it's irrational.

I think it does sting more, living together and thinking you're getting married, than when you are dating. I had a friend discover cheating a week after the proposal. She wasn't in as bad a state as I was, for as long...but it was bad enough.

Compounded by the fact they'd moved in and then she realized the ring was nowhere in sight. He would always reassure her though and then he proposed.

Interestingly she felt her time had been wasted a lot more than I and another married BS felt. We at least felt the relationship had been valid at some point. She just wanted to move on.

I think it's why Dr H tells people not to live together, if not everyone is sure yet, don't act like it, it'll hurt.

I'm sure it is extremely painful, but part of that pain is feeling foolish when you realize how your ex BF/GF decided it was just dating, after all. If our OP has the right to change terms to suit her outlook, I suppose he does too.

I was cheated on by a boyfriend of 2.5 years, but it was easy to get over as we had refrained from sex and I didn't pretend he was a husband. Which brings us back to Dr Harley's opinion on the dangers of cohabitation - you invest too much before marriage, trying to force the wrong partner into something that shouldn't be.