All I can say is my heart goes out to you. I am similar to your husband but with some major differences. I am 55 and divorced and sex was never enjoyable for me from day 1. I stayed a virgin until I married at age 30. I had a very dysfunctional childhood and I believe it led to me not being very capable of emotional or physical intimacy. My emotions are very flat. Like your husband I can do great at saying loving things, doing things for my spouse, etc, but am darn near a zero when it comes to physical or emotional intimacy.

I am not comfortable having sex. Too intimate for me. Plus sex for me is like eating. I eat when I am hungry but food to me is just fuel. I don't like to spend a lot of time preparing meals and don't particularly enjoy food. It's just fuel. When I need sexual release I'd prefer to masturbate. Quick and easy and no need to involve someone else. I have almost no libido and sex does nothing for me. You two enjoyed it once though whereas I never have so something has changed.

I am in a serious relationship but have been totally upfront about all this and told her if we marry I don't want sex. If she needs it then I will do my best to help out but can't totally fake having interest and will never seek anything out of it sexually for myself. I want her to know all that prior to marriage so there are no surprises. If that won't work for her then I completely understand and she can look for a better match.

I hope though you two can get something going again as you are married and love each other.

So, are you saying that you have a high need for affection but a low need for SF? Or do you not need affection, either? A romantic relationship is all about meeting the other person's emotional needs. So, if your point is that you have no intention of meeting the emotional needs of others that you don't think are important to you, then why marry? Why put somebody else through that?

My own need for affection is low. For me the sole reason to marry would be companionship. For her it is much the same. She wants a little affection and sex maybe twice a month. She is fine with sex being a non-event for me. Neither one of us is high on the romance scale. I DO try to meet her emotional needs and am willing to have sex but I won't get aroused by it. Nothing will happen for me. Nothing I can do about that. I've had my testosterone checked. At first it was very low but then I got on a cream and now it's pretty high. I've felt no different.

If I didn't have a problem with just living together then that would be my preference.

How often are you masturbating? Do you ever use porn?

I don't masturbate too often. No desire. Porn does nothing for me so no. This is not about too much masturbation or porn. I just don't like the physical closeness of sex. Sex seems animalistic. I don't find it beautiful or meaningful. It seems like much ado about nothing.

Rom838,

No offense to you at all, but to me, total lack of desire signals some type of issue, be it physical or something else, and as a wife if I discovered that my husband with a low desire was "taking care of it himself" or watching porn, instead of sharing the rare moments with me, you cannot imagine how hurt I would be. I would encourage you to save any desire you may have for your partner. I would also say that unless you totally refrain from masturbation and porn you cannot say that it is not effecting your desire. Your comment that it's "quick and easy" makes me think that it likely is.

I've never known a man who engages in this behavior who actually thinks if effects their desire until they have totally stopped doing these thing.

rom838-
Would you be willing to start your own thread? I don't feel like I can address you in the middle of someone else's.

Thanks!

All true.

Oh I have stopped for long periods of time (months) with no effect. I can't even masturbate successfully half the time. I've discussed this at length with my counselor and we both agree this is who I am and not likely to change. Honestly I have no desire to change not that I think I can. I am comfortable with the way I am.


I have been totally upfront about this with my fiance. She has every right to want me to "share the rare moments" with her. I want her to understand this is who I am and if that is not going to work for her then I understand and she should find someone else. Am I willing to lose the relationship over this? Yes. I will sacrifice in many areas but this one is just too uncomfortable for me.

You want to share in those rare moments (hypothetically) because sex means something to you. You would be hurt either because you want to share those moments or have your own needs or ?. From the very first time I had sex until this day I have never enjoyed it. It has never felt particularly meaningful. I lack the emotions others associate with sex. It does not make me feel closer to my spouse or like I am sharing something special. That was true 25 years ago when I first had sex as a virgin after my wedding.

My childhood robbed me of so many emotions (or buried them so deep they never see the light of day). I don't get excited, passionate, real happy, etc. I am mostly numb. So why would sex be meaningful? When you lack most emotions then it's just a mindless physical act and I'm not into physical pleasure. I'd rather go on a 3 hour bike ride and trash myself then get a massage. In fact the only massages I will get are the super deep tissue wants that have you squirming the whole time but are effective in removing the knots. I don't care for the feel good ones.

It sounds harsh but while I love her I can't be someone I'm not in the area of sex. She has every right to walk if that won't work for her. We are not yet married and I am taking a lot of time as I want her to really think about all this.

Bottom line is I'm tired of trying to have desire, enjoy sex, etc. She seems to think that's all ok. I am fine with staying single if that is a show stopper for everyone. Not that I want to be single but I'm realistic and know that would be a show stopper for most women.

Then why get married at all? If all you want is companionship, then get a male roommate.

What if I prefer female companionship? Marriage is far more than sex or even affection. I like to cuddle, hold hands, hug, etc. What if you were married and one of you suffered a terrible accident or health issue that prevented you from having sex? Surely that would not be the end of your marriage.

We want to travel together and be together without always having to book separate rooms and keep separate houses.

Would you approve of a man and woman living under the same roof and sharing hotel rooms while not being married (assuming no sex)?

Rom-
I am very impressed that you own your lack in some areas. It's also very good that you are being radically honest with your girlfriend about it.

You obviously have a lot to offer to her as a friend.

You are super smart for posting here for help.

I lived for a long time with my best friend who had some of your same issues (he didn't see). I hope that you will take seriously what I am going to suggest.

1. Read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders by Dr. Harley
2. THEN email Dr. Harley (mbradio@marriagebuilders.com) about your dilemma. Please give Bill and Joyce your phone number in the email.

Most people can't relate to your tendencies. Left unchecked, those characteristics will make any marriage unsustainable. Having read your comments here, I would say that you are on the right track and can eventually marry this lady. But please do these two things first.

Are you willing?

You are talking about entirely different things. When a spouse is injured or has a health issue and CANT meet the others needs, the other spouse usually does not mind. But when a spouse WON'T meet the others needs because of a lack of interest, whatever, resentment ensues.

So no, it wouldn't END my marriage, but I wouldn't marry someone who wouldn't meet my needs. People fall in love and select people who can best meet their needs. They don't typically marry someone who WON'T meet their needs.

And I don't agree that you have NO EN for sex. You wouldn't be masturbating if you didn't. You may have a low EN for sex, but it is not a matter of no need. If you were married, Dr Harley would advise you to stop masturbating altogether and NEVER get this need met outside of your marriage.

If I were you, I would write Dr Harley at the radio station and get his perspective. Instructions here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

I bought the Kindle version of the book and will read it. Then I will decide on emailing him.

Thanks for the recommendations!

Sure which is why I am really emphasizing to her that I won't meet that need of hers (she claims it is not much of a need). However whenever I bring this up she thinks I am trying to push her away. I am not trying to push her away but I want her to be REALLY sure she will be ok with this arrangement.

I am a very giving person and do many things for her. Sex though is just too much for me. I have an aversion to it. I don't enjoy it and worse find it unpleasant. I am willing though to do whatever she wants to meet her needs. I just won't get anything out of it except knowing that I am meeting a need of hers. She does not like to initiate and asked that twice a month I initiate sex. I try but it's never on my mind. When I do she fairly quickly gets what she needs and then sex is over with. I don't make any attempt to try for something for me as I can feel it won't happen.

So she has to decide if that's enough for her.

That would never work for me. If I had to limit myself to only getting my occasional need met in marriage I would never get married. I am very uncomfortable with sex. I don't want to have it anymore than I have to. I will do it for her sake but I'm not going to add to that by also doing it for my sake. It doesn't work anyhow. I simply cannot relax and enjoy sex.

Your marriage is heading for disaster.

Please do not marry that woman. She is agreeing to give up on something that is a normal need in marriage - and which is bound to be a need for her at some level - just to be married to you. She is not agreeing to this because she has fallen in love with a man with a disability (for example), but because you do not want to meet what will inevitably be her need for sexual fulfilment.

Women might not value SF as highly on the list as men, typically, but women do wish to have sexual fulfilment in marriage. And also, if you were disabled, that would not necessarily mean that you could not have sex. Sex can be had in ways that do not involved intercourse, if a disabled partner is willing to meet the need. You are not willing to meet the need, and indeed, express an aversion to sex. It is not fair to accept her goodwill today. She does not know how this will make her feel tomorrow.

Nobody should get married on the basis that they rule out the meeting of the other's needs, even if the other claims to be willing to give up that need.

This most intimate of all emotional needs should ONLY be met in marriage. If you refuse to abide by that ideal, then you absolutely should not get married, ever.

Just to clarify I am willing to meet her need by engaging in sex when she needs it. It won't be a mutual enjoyment although I would do nothing to detract from her enjoyment. It's not something I will seek out for myself but will always be willing for her sake.

So she is not agreeing to give up sex. She said in some ways it's a relief as in the past she's had the opposite problem of men who want sex way more than she does. She has always met their needs but this way she can have sex when she wants to and not have to the rest of the time. She said once or twice a month is all she needs.

That said I think women want to be wanted even if they don't want to have sex all the time. Being with someone who never "wants" you could be troubling. I think she's gorgeous and sexy but that is a thought in my mind and it does not translate into sexual desire. I tell her all the time how beautiful or sexy she is. I do notice but again it does not stir anything sexual inside me.