Then don't get married.

We had a good discussion about this last night and she is a lot like me. She said her first impressions of sex were "this is it?" In other words why so much hype. It was ok and the last 5 seconds were great but otherwise hardly worth all the hype. She says it does not bother her that I am the way I am because she understands why and her needs are so minor that it's just not an issue with her.

So I think we will be ok. It would be different if one of us wanted more. I believe she is being sincere and not just saying those things for my sake.

I see no reason to email Dr. Harley as I am perfectly happy the way I am and so is my fiance. To change you have to want to change and I don't. I think he has a lot of great insights but he lacks a Biblical perspective which is the one deficiency I find in his teaching. That for me is a big deal.

Lol, you aren't very familiar with MB if you think Dr. Harley lacks a Biblical perceptive. Have you read his book "Lets Get Growing, Christians?"

I do confess I have not read a lot of his works but the book I am reading now has nothing in it about the Biblical definition of marriage.

His bio touts his secular degrees and practice but says nothing about being a Christian. I would think that would be fire and foremost in his bio.

You should probably read more here. It is terribly obvious.

Why? He certainly doesn't hide his faith.

Which book are you reading? In his intro he talks about counseling His pastor's wife.

He also quotes scripture on the radio show when other Christians question his principles, like Ephesians regarding the exposure of affairs. He also wrote a book called defending traditional marriage.

Curious, what is a biblical definition of marriage mean to you?

I have to say, I'm a little concerned that you don't see his biblical perspective, it is very, very obvious if you listen to him talk at all, that he is a born again, practicing Christian. I would guess he doesn't put it foremost in his bio because there are a great many people who would brush right past all of his work if the first thing he said was "I'm a Christian" You can't always reach the masses you want to reach by bashing them over the head with your own personal faith. I personally, would not have nearly as much faith as I do in MB if his beliefs were not so evident to me.

I would still strongly encourage you to email him. I know what your fiances is saying to you, but, my concern would be, as I said before, that she doesn't really understand that this is a forever thing, and she does not understand how strongly you seem to disdain sex. There is no way a women is going to forever be ok with, "I hate sex, but I'll do it just for you, but I will get nothing out of it, because I hate it". It's not that you don't need it very often, it's that you have basically said you "hate it". That will either eventually cause guilt in her for "making you" do it, or resentment in you for her "making you" do it.

Compromising on this issue on either of your parts is not going to make for a lasting marriage. It's going to lead to great resentment for one, or both of you.

Sorry if I questioned his faith. That was not my intent and clearly I am not as familiar with him as you are. I once asked Focus on the Family for a referral to a Christian counselor in my area. They recommended a gentlemen who I went to see. He asked me about my past counseling experiences and I had always seen either pastors or counselors with a masters degree. He proudly said that he had a Phd and I was going to see what difference a Phd made! All the materials he used with me were 100% secular. Other than paraphrasing a few Scriptures at times he never prayed with me, appealed to the Bible, etc. Finally he wanted me to try hypnosis and that's when I bailed on him.

I don't think Dr. Harley stating he was a Christian in his bio would be hitting people over the head with his faith. He would not have to say a lot about it but in his shoes I would not be afraid to say I counsel on Biblical principles. It might turn some off but for those it helps it would be clear that the solutions are found in God's Word.

I have no doubt if I called him he would strongly exhort me not to marry. I think that would be all he could say. I am in no hurry to marry and plan to give this enough time to make sure.

When I first found this site I thought it was Dr. Larry Crabb who wrote the book "The Marriage Builder." Wonder if he and Dr. Harley know each other?

I was here for a while before I realized he was a Christian too. That's because his basic concepts are formed on Scientific principles and he tends to base his methods on the evidence. Very many articles mention his faith though, as well as the Christian books he has written.

I think he fronts his scientific credentials because he is a scientist not a man of the cloth. As a psychiatrist it's important people know that your practice is based on success rates. Dr H also believes it is disrespectful to tell people what to believe. He'd rather focus on the proven consequences of foolish behaviour.

The proven methods align perfectly with his own beliefs (which he does mention a lot when you become familiar with him). They are integrated into all of the principles.

For example, in your situation, he would counsel an avoidance of sacrifice and reluctant sex. "God loves a cheerful giver". I'm sure he's also terribly well versed on the scriptural focus on physical love within marriage. He usually is when asked scriptural questions.

You may be thinking of the biblical advice not to deprive your partner, but he would tell you that's exactly what is going to happen if you ignore a mounting aversion. You have to be willing to join body and soul.

And of course, sexual experience of any kind without each other is taboo. Not hard to see where he got that mandate from, and its not solely his clinical experience.

He has said in that aversion article there are some happy sexless couples, but that they are a rarity. I don't think the two of you qualify for that description or your fiance wouldnt request initiation and you wouldn't require masturbation. I think the danger of moving on to new partners once you've exacerbated aversions with each other are there - but why not ask the expert?

For some people, the simple mention that "I'm a Christian" does immediately make them discount a persons work. I think their belief is "he's a christian, all he is going to say is put God at the center of your marriage and all will be well". which, of course, is not what Dr. Harley says. God should be at the center of your marriage, yes, but if you claim that and treat your spouse horribly, you end up with big time troubles. He certainly doesn't hide the fact that he is a Christian, but, I would think, that he wants to help as many people as he can be happy, so he does not see the benefit in making it a "main point" in his bio.

I think you are right that he would say at this point, you should not get married, however, I'm am certain that is not all he would say. I think if you explained everything, he would say, as someone did a few posts back, that you have an aversion that was created through your previous experience, and that if you want to, that can be overcome, and you can enjoy a sexual relationship with your wife. If you don't want to change that, then you are right. I do think he would tell you to not marry someone that has any type of SF need at all, as just about all women do.

Highly unlikely. I've heard him say only the mentally ill are automatically debarred from marriage. Anybody else can choose to be a good spouse if they want to.

The only reason you are being told not to marry is because you do not wish to meet your spouses needs in a way that makes you happy too.

You could learn how, it is your choice.

Read his book, written with his wife, Draw Close.

"Achieve a deeper relationship with God and with each other!
In our rushed and busy world, time is at a premium -- and quality time spent with God and with your spouse is often a casualty. Nothing can bring you closer to both God and each other quite like sharing a daily devotional time together. Now Willard F. Harley, Jr., bestselling author of His Needs, Her Needs, joins with his wife, Joyce, to provide a devotional guide to deeper intimacy with God and with your spouse.

Perfect for newlyweds as well as those who have been married for decades, this devotional promises to help you connect with your spouse, build a stronger marriage, and keep God at the center of your commitment to each other."

Available from the bookstore: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6029_dc.html

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