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Sometimes there's not time to find an alternative, and your wife is going to be disappointed.
Have you told your wife it bothers you to have the in-laws over that late? I guess I can accept that. And yes I did. But it kinda irritates her with I express "bother", especially of something she enjoys. Radical honesty is a key part of having a good marriage. Reveal to your spouse as much about yourself as you know. Revealing your emotional reactions to things is particularly important. And then she may have an emotional reaction to your revelation, and it's good for her to reveal that.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Sometimes there's not time to find an alternative, and your wife is going to be disappointed.
Have you told your wife it bothers you to have the in-laws over that late? I guess I can accept that. And yes I did. But it kinda irritates her with I express "bother", especially of something she enjoys. Radical honesty is a key part of having a good marriage. Reveal to your spouse as much about yourself as you know. Revealing your emotional reactions to things is particularly important. And then she may have an emotional reaction to your revelation, and it's good for her to reveal that. Are you saying that the only point of expressing the "bother" is just so the other person knows? Or is the other person supposed to make an effort to stop doing those things? And if she expresses that it bothers her that I let it be known that certain things bother me?
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Sometimes there's not time to find an alternative, and your wife is going to be disappointed.
Have you told your wife it bothers you to have the in-laws over that late? I guess I can accept that. And yes I did. But it kinda irritates her with I express "bother", especially of something she enjoys. Radical honesty is a key part of having a good marriage. Reveal to your spouse as much about yourself as you know. Revealing your emotional reactions to things is particularly important. And then she may have an emotional reaction to your revelation, and it's good for her to reveal that. Are you saying that the only point of expressing the "bother" is just so the other person knows? For now that is the main thing. Or is the other person supposed to make an effort to stop doing those things? We'll have to work on what she needs to do later, after you've made enough love bank deposits that she is more enthusiastic about trying to make you happy. And if she expresses that it bothers her that I let it be known that certain things bother me? Great, now you know. In general if she tells you something bothers her, I would stop doing it, but because complaints are vital for having a good marriage, don't let it stop you from giving her these complaints. What you want to do is encourage a marriage in the future where each of you complains when the other bothers them, and then the other stops doing it and finds an alternative that works for both of you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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So I suggested that you re-read the friends and enemies of good conversation daily. Are you doing it? Two or three times including today. When I was home on the weekend I tried hard to practice this and building a love bank as much I could remember to. Things went a lot better, but there is still a ways to go. When I'm at work, I feel like I'm consumed with either reading what I should be doing with DW or trying to process it. When there is a hiccup, it takes me a while to analyze what I should say or do differently so I don't keep repeating it, or trying to figure out/brainstorm how to change our external situations to make things go more smoothly. I want to fix our marriage, but I also need to make a living. I know I need to find some kind of balance here, but my mind is only able to focus on one thing at the moment. I guess that's normal?
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So I'm still thinking about all this and digesting - 2 questions.
1. When does the right to complain become "nagging"? We were taught that nagging is harmful and some things are small enough that you should just suck it up and do it yourself or not let it bother you. Is that just wrong or is there some position in between?
2. When does a complaint become "controlling behavior"? Higher up in the thread I related a time I'd asked/urged my wife to go to gym at a certain time. Someone replied with - "she can decide not to go. Don't try to control her." But then what if it means she has to exercise later in the day and it messes up the evening schedule we had planned? Can I tell her that it bothers me if she decides to go later instead of in the morning, or is that controlling her?
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So I'm still thinking about all this and digesting - 2 questions.
1. When does the right to complain become "nagging"? We were taught that nagging is harmful and some things are small enough that you should just suck it up and do it yourself or not let it bother you. Is that just wrong or is there some position in between? You might benefit from reading Dr. Harley's article about nagging: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_Nagging.html2. When does a complaint become "controlling behavior"? When you try to make your spouse do something, that's controlling. When you try to get your spouse to stop doing something that bothers you that's not controlling - that's just defending yourself from pain. When you do something your spouse isn't enthusiastic about, you are ignoring their wishes. When your spouse does something you are not enthusiastic about, they are ignoring your wishes. What we want is for all behavior that both husband and wife aren't enthusiastic about to cease.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Can I tell her that it bothers me if she decides to go later instead of in the morning, or is that controlling her? Right now I would strongly encourage you to find out what her complaints are and act on those. Lead the way!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I would model the behaviour you want to see for a good while first.
. If you want her to respond helpfully to complaints you should do so first until A) this starts to look more normal to her than the current drill and b) she is at the in love stage where your heart and your feelings are just the same to her as her own.
Once you get her to the state of intimacy you'll have the opposite problem of preventing her sacrificing her own feelings for yours!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Thanks. Still learning this as I go.
I guess I'm going to have to do MB by myself until I can gain enough love collateral to "respectfully persuade" her to do it with me. She says she is appreciative of my efforts and sees a difference but she isn't enthusiastic towards the program. She proposed a different program which she is more enthusiastic about but not insistent upon. I asked her to find out some details.
She also doesn't think that we have fallen out of love. Great sex comes and goes, but it is still there and so are some great conversations and fun dates, so maybe she is right.
She does still have some IB issues which frustrate me, and which she at least partially defends, but I guess I will let that go for the time being, and hope they go away if I can be a better husband.
Last edited by DBack; 06/15/15 03:16 PM.
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Another question. What about medical issues? We have a few issues that create complications from time to time but a more clear example might be my good friend whose wife is slowly dying from cancer.
He has needs that can never get met. All he can do is give and care for her needs but they never get to have fun together. How does this apply to the giver and a taker principal and the policy of joint agreement? It would seem to me that at this point unconditional love is all that can be left. Am I missing something?
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Dr. Harley does address cases in which a spouse is truly physically unable to meet needs, though those are rare.
A lot of the answers are in the radio show. Did you listen to today's show yet? The archives are a treasure trove of information.
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Another question. What about medical issues? We have a few issues that create complications from time to time but a more clear example might be my good friend whose wife is slowly dying from cancer.
He has needs that can never get met. All he can do is give and care for her needs but they never get to have fun together. How does this apply to the giver and a taker principal and the policy of joint agreement? It would seem to me that at this point unconditional love is all that can be left. Am I missing something? I would worry about crossing that bridge when you come to it. Dr. Harley does address this, but it has nothing to do with your situation. Becoming a daily listener of the radio show is a great way to learn about cases like this!  Did you listen to the radio show today?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I guess I'm going to have to do MB by myself until I can gain enough love collateral to "respectfully persuade" her to do it with me. It is very common that the husband has to be the "pump primer." Focus on making lots of love bank deposits, and avoiding love bank withdrawals, and you will find her feelings changing. She also doesn't think that we have fallen out of love. Great sex comes and goes, but it is still there and so are some great conversations and fun dates, so maybe she is right. That sounds a lot like how Prisca and I were before this program (and in our early years of doing this program). There were always good times, good conversation, even great sex. But the love busters made us unhappy.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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DBack, can you ask your wife to come by and post and introduce herself? She doesn't have to commit to doing Marriage Builders, but we'd like to meet her and get a chance to hear her perspective. In particular anything she can tell us about how your marriage could be better, tell her we can help coach you on those if she'll share them with us. If she has any complaints about your marriage she can share them with us and we can help you work on it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Hi Markos,
Crazy stuff going on at work - our group got re-org'ed yesterday and my best friend at work was canned.
I told my wife I'm leaning on her just a bit right now and choosing to ignore the stress at work as much as possible. We had another date last night - great conversation. She keeps opening up more and more to me.
Oh, and I got His Needs/Her Needs yesterday. Started it already.
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Also, we are both re-energized about our marriage.
Now if I ask her to put Facebook down so we can talk, she will usually agree right away.
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DBack, can you ask your wife to come by and post and introduce herself? She doesn't have to commit to doing Marriage Builders, but we'd like to meet her and get a chance to hear her perspective. In particular anything she can tell us about how your marriage could be better, tell her we can help coach you on those if she'll share them with us. If she has any complaints about your marriage she can share them with us and we can help you work on it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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