I posted very quickly, then looked back and noticed that MelodyLane advised you not to separate, but that was before the post today about his refusal of a polygraph, and the recent contact.

If she posts again today, make sure she is aware of the contact and of my advice. I don't want to see you getting different advice from different posters - MB advice is MB advice and should always be the same, no matter who posts to you.

The STD thing is just yuk, and you need to stay away from him with a ten-foot pole. You need to be tested also, by the way. His willingness to be tested is good, and you MUST follow it through immediately, but it is also a sign that he fears he could have contracted something - and there is only one way he could have done that.

Since he has been suicidal, I am not going to say that he should not go for individual counselling - but seeing a psychiatrist for medical treatment would be much more effective. There is nothing that can be done about his childhood issues today. They need to be left in the past. The danger is that he will use the fact that he is in counselling to deflect attention from his affairs and from his current behaviour, and from the need for extraordinary precautions in the future. Generally speaking, individual counselling when in an affair is navel gazing and time-wasting.

However, since he has agreed to marriage counselling, get him to talk to Dr Harley's son Steve, for Marriage Buildings coaching. Do not go anywhere near any other type of marriage counselling. Traditional marriage counsellors will allow him to pull the wool over their eyes, as he continues contacting other women while "communicating" with you about the problems in your marriage, and blaming the affair on those problems. Don't go near any traditional marriage counsellor!

Sugarcane, thank you for providing much needed clarity. Imtold WH that I needed absolute transparency and he doesn't get it. He says the reason he didn't tell me about the ex girl is because he knew I would react this way. This has been his pattern of behaviour throughout our marriage and he admits he has had issue with lieing all his life, way before I came into the picture. I feel used and beyond betrayed. Is ther hope for a human like this? I leave that in God's hands

At this point, I do whats needed for me

It seems that the confession might have been prompted by the STD symptoms, which he knows will affect you, too.

You are looking at the tip of a very big iceberg, I'm sorry to say.

Jedi Knight, in reply to why I think he confessed about the old affairs, I do believe it's possible he confessed to me first because he was scared his first love ( who supposedly told him to take a hike) would or still will contact him. I posted about that situation to Sugarcane.

How do I use the feature to get quotes into my replies? Thanks

Sugarcane, is your story on the forums? I want to know about your experiences, thanks

Sorry, Jedi Knight, I meant to say WH is scared the first love would contact ME, not him!

Sugarcane, I am prepared for the worst; I can handle it, as it will be my choice. I have been lied to and deceived for many years; the not understanding why I was treated the way WH treated me over those years ( angry outbursts, blame, mind games, etc) did a number on my health and made me confused about whom I was as a person and thats what hurt the most at D-Day.

I can hold my head up for the things I have done well; faithful wife and the best mother our two sons could ever have. I wasn't perfect and I have my own demonsto address, but I truly believe the healing has begone. I am eternally grateful that the lies iof the past have and will continue to be revealed. I have my life, a bit of sanity, friends and family who will be loving and supportive when they hear the story.

I am going to phone my twin sister now and tell her.

See these buttons at the bottom of every post?

Top Reply Quote Quick Reply Quick Quote Notify Email Post

Click "quote", and the post you want is formed into a quote. Put your text above or below the quote. Use the Preview Post button to check that your post looks the way you want, before clicking "Submit".

That's all good, but what are you going to do about his refusal to take a polygraph?

bird, he erased the texts because he is lying. If those texts could have exonerated him he would have kept them. But he is in luck because the texts are easily retrieved and you can read them. I would buy this text recovery stick here. and read his texts.

]
Your next step should be to schedule a polygraph test and order the text retrieval stick. If he won't help you get the truth, you should plan to separate in 2 weeks.

Yes, Sugarcane, I agree, if he was transparent , he would have not erased texts. We did talk since that conversation and he said he did keep the final text from her, to show me if I needed to see it. He took a screen shot and has it for me. I dont understand why he didnt tell me off the top.

Again, I have the OW phone number. I am dieing to call her but advised in previous post to wait. How can I do complete exposure if I dont call her? Or am I missing something?

Yup, I highly doubt he will do polygraph test. It is completely foreign and implausible in his mind. He doesnt believe in them and has heard about mistakes using them. What argument can I use to convince him of their value?

I think we will be physically separating as early as tonite, if WH can see his parents and they let them in the house. WH then said he will stay there til he can find place of his own.

I need direction on separating ie finances, contact, etc, if someone can tell me please!!

Contacting her has nothing to do with exposure.

However, my post earlier today neglected the aspect of exposing to her husband. You are correct that this should be done right away.

You must be careful only to give the facts that you have, which are the she agreed to meet your husband, and you do not have any evidence of what happened at that meeting, or subsequently. You can't really accuse her of having an affair with your husband - not on the evidence that you have so far.

You need to contact him without warning you husband that you are doing so. Do you know his name? You need to get through to him directly. If you can find his work email address, you could contact him there, asking him to call you. What you must not do is leave a message on the house landline. If his wife gets any wind of the fact that you are trying to contact him, she will spin the story first of how your husband contacted her (true), and she had to tell him to sling his hook (we don't know whether that actually happened).

What caused the decision for you to separate tonight? Is your H more anxious to do that than you were, initially? He seems very keen to get out of the house. Why is that? It seems to me like an admission that he wants to keep his secret second life going, and he has no intention of staying married to you, now that you know and will not let him do that.

Sorry, Sugarcane, I reread my post and need to clarify about the symptoms: they are not in relation to STD but to do with his bowel and gut issues that hes had for a long time but have gotten worse in the last couple years. He's scared he has cancer; his dad has colon cancer!

Calling the OW is the least of your worries for now. i would focus on getting the text retrieval stick, scheduling a polygraph and THEN exposing the affair. You can also expose the affair to the OW's family and friends. Maybe after all that is done, it might be helpful to call her.


Let him know he will need to pass one in order to stay married to you. Because if he won't, that will be evidence that he is still lying [which he is] and will be an indicator that your marriage will never work. There is no point in moving forward if he is still lying. [which he is]

A polygraph is giving him an opportunity to come clean and prove his truthfulness.


Give him a chance FIRST to do the things I mentioned. If he won't do them, then ask him to move out.

So, just to be sure I understand, it's not okay to call OW but to contact her husband? WH has told me his name several times , and darn it if I can't remember it!!

I will ask WH why he wants to move out. We are sleeping in separate bedrooms, but I know WH and DS are not getting along and it might be less stress on DS to not see his father around for a bit. It was very hard on DS to hear the truth about his dad last night. DS said to me that he is now the 'head of the house' and he is moody and stressed today

MelodyLane, The closest city that does polygraph is 1.5 hrs away; another deterent to WH getting it done. If it was me, I would fly a 1000 miles to get it done, if it meant saving the marriage. But I don't believe he wants to save the marriage!

Should I tell WH I want to contact the OW husband?

Sorry if im asking repeat questions; so much info to read and absorb. Very stressful!

That should be fine! I would get it set up for him. It is worth it.


No. Have you read the exposure thread? I would read it and create a plan to expose. Let your husband find out from others.

It is ok to call the OW, but do so AFTER your exposure. You want your exposure to be a big surprise to the cheaters.


He wants to move out so he can continue his affair. You don't need to ask because he won't tell the truth any way.

You don't expose to her...she knows what was said or done. If you are searching for answers...do you really think she will tell you the truth? She absolutely will not which will only frustrate you more. The absolute truth would have only been uncovered if you could see the texts. If they can't be recovered by the suggested methods, then he went to great lengths to make sure they couldn't be recovered.