Hey everybody,

I've been with my wife for over 10 years and we've been married for 8 of those 10 years. She's always had a wandering eye and she definitely kept me on my toes but our relationship was so strong because we communicated and we were always honest with one another. We tried to have a child for 5 years before we ended up having our son and she thought that was what was missing inside of her. Her mother instincts kicked in and I stepped up my work to make sure we had the income to take care of a new born and keep up our lifestyle.

Our son is about to be 2 and when she's at home with him, I can sense that it's rough on her... so when problems started coming up I figured it was just the stress of being home with him. Now I'm a month in and a half in with dealing with her cheating on me with some guy at a bar. She claims she's freaking out about turning 30 next year, she wants to learn what's it is like to be 21 again and live independently, and she doesn't know if she wants to be married any longer.... but she wants what we have but she doesn't want it right now.

I know I shouldn't still have sex with her but to me it's the only time we have a close connection like we use to have and something inside me, makes me feel that if I do IT just right that it'll wake her up (I'm crazy right?)

I don't want to smother her but I don't want to lose her... I've gone as far as making sure her name isn't tarnished by her actions against me. I love her and she says that she doesn't want to leave because she doesn't want to hurt me... which makes me think she still loves me too. She even mentioned of doing a trial separation to see if it'll make her miss me... that as far as her "not giving up" on us as she's gotten. She truly is having an inner battle that I can't wrap my head around and I can't help her like I've done in the past.

I should've taken more chances early on in our relationship, we've taken crazy long vacations but we've never moved out of our home town (which deducts points from me in her eyes), I've been at the same job working on our stability so we can continue to live a certain life style, and we work together as well and I think that gets to her. She chose to go back to school to do hair and I pushed her to finish (which she now claims she couldn't do it without me, which some how deducts points from me,because that's where her fight for independence comes from)... I've helped her and I've take care of her too well in our relationship........ I thought that's what my job was as a husband to try and take care of all of my wife's needs and to make her life easy. I don't like to see her struggle and go through turmoil and if I'm able to offer a hand, then I do it.

I've forgiven and I'm working on forgetting her cheating, but she makes it hard on me when it's just me putting in the effort to fix things between us. She's working on figuring out what she truly wants and I don't want to hold her back from the independent lifestyle that she craves but I don't want to give up on everything we built together. How do you give up 10 years of a good thing? We both went through changes but through all of her changes I never loved her less. I was never an overbearing husband who forced her to clean the house or do the laundry or dishes or anything for that matter. She would do it if she wanted and I'd take of stuff when I got home if she didnt. Hell I did all the cooking and she would cook if it was something she knew how to cook and if she didn't know what she was doing I'd help her out.

So what the hell did I do wrong? I was there for her too much? I listened too well? Should I have been more of a [censored]?

She tries to write herself because she's looking for an out, "I can do better than her" She says. I don't want better I want her, we said our vows to each other, I know we meant the words... we were happy... I know this wasn't some dream that we slept in all these years.

How do I get all back? People tell me to make her chase after me, but how do I do That without paying the price of her not taking on the chase. People tell me to get thick skinned and set her straight but it's not in my nature. I respect my wife through everything she's put me through.

I just want us to start a new chapter together that let's us build on a new foundation and set goals to get to in life together. I can give her independence and not help her as much if that's what she wants. Hell I'd move to the moon if thats what she wants, but she won't give me that second chance to make that decision.

Ugh I'm at my witts end here.. I have the patience of a saint and I've made this so freaking civil. I think I'm just losing the will to want to keep fighting if I don't have a finish line to reach.

Any words are welcome, this kinda helped with venting i suppose.

-Matt

Welcome to MB.

Do I understand correctly that you wife is having an affair, and that she has had affairs before?

Have you ever had an affair?

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Hello Novaxero, welcome to Marriage Builders. I want to point out some very important facts about your situation. First off, you have already lost her. So please wrap your head around that. Just because she allows you to take out her trash and babysit her child, does not mean you have a wife. You don't.

SEcondly, I don't see a husband who loves his wife, but one who ENABLES her. What kind of a husband puts up with multiple affairs and a single playah lifestyle and is completely complacent about it? A HUSBAND WHO DOESN'T CARE, THATS WHO. Your complacent approach reflects a lack of caring. A man who won't fight for his marriage doesn't show he cares.

You have long lost your wife and there is not much we can do to help you. But we can tell you things that will give you the best chance. For example, you should be exposing her affairs and you should stop agreeing to her going out and being a playah. Stop enabling her and DEMAND she end her affair. Tell everyone. She will probably leave you if you stop being an enabler, but that will be a good thing and it will be the most likely thing to motivate her to change because her life will be a WRECK as a playah. You have protected her from the consequences of such a destructive lifestyle and without you hanging around being an enabler, she will hit bottom fast.

Is she an alcoholic?

This cheap forgiveness also harms your marriage. You can't "forgive" someone unless they have repented. Passing out cheap forgiveness like this is another form of unconditional love:


Would you agree?

She has one of those "grass is greener" fantasies going on inside her head. Of course the grass is NEVER greener but it's very hard to get wayward spouses to understand that. Sometimes they destroy everyone's life around them before they come to that conclusion.

I was also thinking she was having an early midlife crisis situation going on. She's looking back on her life and thinking what if I did something different.

Dr. Harley would say you are in denial. It is much easier to imagine some mythological "crisis" than it is to face the truth.

It's irrelevant what you call it; the steps to recover from it are the same.

Shes never cheated on me, this is the first time. She cheated on someone in her past but she's always been honest with me and I the same. I've never cheated because I know what we have and or had was real and I never wanted to jeapordize that.

She's reap big being the center of attention and I can only assume it's gotten tougher with our son coming along.

But lets say she is having a "mid life crisis" or any other syndrome you want to imagine, the solution is the same.

Then what did you mean by this?

First bolded text = serial cheater
Second bolded text = narcissist

Unfortunately two huge red flags as far as fidelity goes going forward.

Were either of you married before?

When she cheated on someone else in the past, where you involved in the situation in any way?

She craves attention from others that's what I meant by wandering eye. This our first marriage and I wasn't the guy she cheated with.

So, this is the first marriage for both of you, and the cheating you are referring to occurred while dating?

Marriage Builders does not consider cheating while dating to be infidelity. Prior to marriage, one has not taken an oath to be faithful. While promises of exclusivity may have been made, breaking those promises is just not the same thing as marital infidelity. Dating is all about finding a mate, and playing the field is to be expected. So, while her cheating might have been unseemly, it really isn't doesn't constitute cause for labeling her a serial cheater.