Dajavude,

It is obvious that you still love her, but you will need to make a wise decision with your own future and the future of any children you may beget with her. Get the full information about what is going on first and if possible about her past to decide if you are up for a lifetime of heartache. Abusive people can be very seductive and attractive as life partners, but will not lead to a happy life.

Where i live is just a town. Closest major city is 7 hours away. No PI here

Yes, I wanted to grow old with her. I feel like she is my soul mate. But I have seriously let her down in time and family commitment and she doesn't want future with me.

I am 44 and she is 39, there were never any plans for children.

But yeah, I have driven her further away now. There is very little chance that we will ever sleep under the same roof again. I can only hope there is no OM and that my love and caring responses will be the last things she remembers about me.

Hope is not a plan. You have to diagnose the situation correctly and prepare for the best and the worst.


If she has an OM then you will continue to be on the backburner and used and abused for anything she can get from you. A husband in Plan A fighting an affair knows this, what to expect and has put measures in place to destroy the A. That's because nothing works if an A is on.

Are you really willing to put in months of worthless effort without tackling the main cause? Surely if the marriage is not worth snooping for, is it really worth saving?

You could have hired a PI when she was on business in Sydney. It's obvious you don't want to let go of plan hope.

I have spent a lot of time, effort and money searching for evidence. Short of stalking her and getting arrested or her admitting it, it is what it is.

I have already gone against my better judgement in maintaining a regime she perceived as harrassment. What that has achieved is no direct communication and her moving out into temporary accomodation.

I am now going to focuss my energy on my daughter and trying to let the dust settle. For my wife to deliberately seek to do something damaging to me tells me she is in a very distresed and emotional state. On ballance I can't justify the cost of blindly antagonising her any further for no convievable benefit. For exactly the reasons you mention; if there is an A it's pointless. If there is no A then obviously it would have been better for the chances of saving the marriage to be in same house; a lower level plan A near her would have been better than an absent one.

Not at all. You have an excellent chance by finding and exposing the A. If you were to do this your odds would improve dramatically.

I don't see why the risk of angering her is seen as more of a risk. Women don't leave marriages because they are angry. They put an awful lot of effort into pretending to though if they have a secret.

The average WW puts a great deal of effort into making you feel that the way you breathe is annoying.

Her initial complaints were about your lack of interest. Now you are too interested? Doesn't add up.

Given that she is now caring for her son fulltime under the same roof the only opportunity I would have to find anything would be to somehow find where she is staying and follow her everyday.

What would my Plan A behavior look like now? Bearing in mind she might just not want a future with the selfish version of me.

I did have a question. I emailed the guy that she was having that flirting correspondence with pointing out what I found, telling him it was innapropriate and essentially to not contact her. He hasn't responded. Should I follow up with a phone call?

Plan A involves exposure and a commitment to meet future needs.

I don't understand what the 'selfish version' of you is or what you are currently displaying that is selfish.



Confronting the OM is a very good idea but you should save it until you have evidence and have already exposed.

Without exposure it's a bit toothless.

That is what most people have to do. What is the problem with that?

Hang on - I thought you had GPS on her?

It's not a problem. I meant she needs to be home for him. Previoulsy I would be home so she wouldn't necesarily need to worry about him, meals, etc. Now, if she were to try to see someone it would be harder.

Not if she is inviting him over to meet her son!

Negative.

What happened to this Intel source?

I'm missing her so much I feel like razors are chewing my insides out. I would do anything to change this and make her happy. That's not enough for her and I can't do anymore than I have to catch her.

That approach does not work with a Wayward Wife. It did not work with your first wife and it won't work here. I've never seen plan nice work.

I have seen wives furious at exposure and snooping though. Telling their husbands they despised them and they had ruined all chances. They weren't the least bit chastened at getting caught.

However I have seen that approach work and lead to a recovery where they considered their husbands heroes.


Equally, even if Plan Nice were to work, her privacy policy would mean that you would only have a short time period of recovery before an affair starts up.

You do see the similarities in behaviour with your first wife by this time, I take it?

Affair behaviour is always very similar.

In a phonecall with my sister yesterday I learned my wife was planning to leave me in Jan. The event that precipitated this was my refusal to get up out of bed at 5am to see off eldest stepson as he left for college. My sister convinced her not and my wife gave me the list and married me in march.

Given this information there is a possibility that my selfish behaviour and lack of commitment to spending time, talking to, giving affection and compliments, gifts, family commitment, house hold suport, have depleted her LB to the point where, in her letter, she says she has given all she can and is exhausted.

Is it possible for her to now clearly want out if I didn't meet her expectations based on a list she gave me, that in dr Harley's words, were the keys to her heart?

This does not add up. Your fianc�e had cold feet about the marriage. Nothing to do with you getting out of bed on a particular day. She may have had cold feet because she had met or re-met OM. Nobody backs out of a marriage because their fianc� did not say goodbye to a child that is not even his. By the way, he was not your stepson at that time.


Your wife sounds like a strong and determined woman, she does not sound like the kind of person who would give up after such a short time. There is another man in her life and I would bet that the affair started or restarted back in January.

My wife was the one that wanted to get married. I held out for the 4 years we lived together before asking her because it was important to her.

She knew I didn't want or need a ceremony to be commited to her.

If there was an affair that was real reason why tell my sister of her plan to leave and then give me the list of her important needs for her happiness?