Here:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583

Copy her friends list into a word doc for safekeeping in case she blocks you before you are ready to expose.

Focus on married couples, people she chats to a lot and people with the same surname.

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

Have you read what I have wrote.. My H doesn't have social media any longer... That is how he was in contact with them. I have his email on my phone, his work email is attached to an ipad at our house, I have access to. All his texts are saved on our providers site.. Which he doesn't have access to. He also can't delete them either. If they are deleted on his phone they are saved in the server.

I do believe these both have ended... The first one a long time before I found out.. Lucky for me he isn't technology savvy.

Where should these letter be sent? He has never been to either of their homes. Not like I can or would ask them their address

This thread has gone way off topic. Dr Harley and Joyce listened to me and stayed focused about my question. Not sure why you are so focused on the A and not the rebuilding process. And My Anger and how to handle his silent treatment... We have done everything we COULD do.
Thank for your concerns I will email them again.

No contact is for you too. Contact for him triggers the affair, for you it triggers the betrayal. You need to close off any possibility of social media contact for you both.

Not sure why I would go back and stalk her Facebook... Counter productive, and I really don't need to tourture myself and feel more inadequate than I already do. I am not going to be okay with him reopening his Facebook to contact them again to ask for their addresses.
They have both left him alone

Good heavens no. You would just look up their home or job address surely. Do you know how to do that?

J that is Dr Hs advice in all situations, including affairs which have been dead for 20 years. That's because affairs can resume even 20 years later. He doesn't say 'do it sometimes' he says do it every time. I've heard people ask him if there case is an exception due to violent people, a loss of career if exposure used etc.. be always says how sad he is to hear that recovery of the marriage is impossible, due to exposure being impossible.

Stalking is a pattern of behaviour designed to harass over time. Exposure is a one time contact method designed to end all possibility of her stalking and harming you resuming. Stalkers don't delete social media like MBers do.

You don't have to so it through FB. Put on your PI hat and find another way to contact them if you want.

Ok. Have a good weekend then.

Well I could if I knew where they lived or worked.. You have been absolutely not helpful. I will continue talking to Dr Harley. Not sure why you are stuck in this... He and Joyce were fine with how we have handled it so far...
He was concerned about my AO..
I am don't discussing this with you

The curse of Facebook - "people you may know".

If you click on a profile, Facebook will remind everyone of that. The other person will at one time see you in the list of "people you may know" and she will appear in your list. So the other woman will pop up every once in a while and trigger you.

Best thing to to is delete the old account and create a new account adding all your old friends, except those who are in any way connected to OW.

For this reason I have 2 FB accounts, one for friends and one for work. I even use them in different browsers (cookies...) to keep my personal life private from my workspace. The second you look up someone while still loggend on, FB will remember it for all eternity.

JA, a few points I wanted to make:

1. your resentment will fade if you create a happy marriage today. The mind does not go to the tragedy of the past when you are happy in the present

2. Eliminate sacrifice in your life. You cite numerous sacrifices - not sure why - and they only lead to resentment. You are not going to get a badge of honor for sacrifices. People who sacrifice keep score and when the score is not even, anger ensues

3. eliminate every trigger in your life. However you have to do it. That means eliminating Facebook and finding a new way to communicate with your grandchildren. [can you start up another page under a new name?] If there is any chance you will see the OW anywhere, you need to eliminate it

4. I don't see your husband's "silent treatment" as an aggressive move, but as an emotional reaction. People go into withdrawal when they are on the receiving end of angry outbursts

Listening to your radio show right now...

Great show! I so agree with Dr Harley that you should go through his course and learn how to use the policy of joint agreement. If you and your husband can learn to do that, it will make an amazing difference to your marriage. You are very much like me and we turned this around in my marriage. My H and I feel like partners today. We went through the program in 2007.

I lean towards saying that doing nothing is not abusive, including being silent. It may greatly disappoint your spouse, but I don't call it abuse. Dr. Harley might call it abuse if it's done in order to punish. But how can you read someone's mind and tell what their intentions are?

From my point of view, the whole term "silent treatment" is a disrespectful judgment. Prisca has been silent to me countless times in our marriage, sometimes for great lengths of time (like a weekend). Many of them have been times when Dr. Harley would have heartily approved her saying nothing. It was very frustrating to me, but for me to call it the "silent treatment" would be disrespectful and would only make the problem worse.

Thank you Markos for your valuable input. I had never thought about it that way, having my abusive (my DJ) father-in-law in mind who will punish MIL by not interacting with her for weeks for not agreeing with him, until she caves in and begs for forgiveness. You are right, especially in a situation were the other party has AO and the like, I can see how the dynamic can be vastly different.

In a situation where a spouse could be meeting their husband or wife's emotional needs and chooses not to, Dr. Harley advises communicating to them that they have to have this need met in order to be happy in marriage, and then separating if the spouse still refuses to meet it.

It was a big revelation to me that separating for an unmet emotional need is a much kindler and gentler approach than staying together and becoming disrespectful and fighting about it.

I am still getting the hang of this... I don't have AO until he says nothing to me, we will be discussing something uncomfortable. Then nothing... Then I try And try to get to talk to me.

Not saying anything that weekend, I was trying not to have an AO.

Sacrifices- past sacrifices .. Was examples.. Of how my life had been up to this point. It is changing.

Thank you for being helpful

I just wanted to know what book to read.. surviving an affair or HESW

Quote
Best thing to to is delete the old account and create a new account adding all your old friends, except those who are in any way connected to OW.


Thanks I will do that