I have knowledge my wife has been having an affair with a guy at the same company who is 20 years older than her. He has a wife and 3 kids (off to college). I have read the texts and how they are in love. We have a young baby together. I am looking at exposing this affair. But who do I go to?
If I go to him, I would ask to meet in a public place just for a talk. See what information he would give me. And ask him to stop the affair. Tell him my wife doesn't have to know for her protection. He has told my wife that he wants to try and work it out with his wife, yet they still meet secretly. He has a lot to lose if this gets exposed.
If i go to her: I have asked her recently if there was someone else and she flat out said no and to trust her. Would I be disrespecting her by going to him over her?
I know things could get bad, I am planning for the worse but would like to end this affair as quickly and smoothly as possible. Neither one can have this getting out to their bosses.

So who would you go to first?

Do you have the text messages?
You need to expose the affair far and wide. Start by showing the text messages to the others mans wife and children.
prior to exposure, read the exposure 101 thread. It will guide you step by step.

I have some of the text messages, not all.

Do you have the messages that confirm they are having an affair and profess love for each other?

Here is the link to the Exposure 101 thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379

You are misunderstanding exposure. Exposure is to inform people of facts they are not aware of. The OM and your wife already know. They are the last people on the list. You confront OM after you do the exposure to everyone else.

I would like to avoid her family being hurt by this. I want to protect as many as possible, yet get this affair ended as soon as possible. I am talking to a lawyer about my rights (parental and legal) if the wife does file for a divorce. I don't think she wants to and I don't get the impression the guy wants to from his wife.

Then you probably better rip the bandaid off as soon as possible. The way to protect people is by telling them the truth.

You mean you would like to hide the facts, which is the opposite of protecting people.

You should know that the only way to end this affair as soon as possible is for you to tell everybody the truth.

So reading through everything I have on here, taking advice from a counselor, going to see a lawyer, and from friends and family. I am still torn as to who I should approach. Do I go to him and hope his conscience kicks in and we keep it peaceful. Do I go to my wife and hope she realizes reality? I appreciate this site. I am all for suggestions and tips. I know there really is no right way of doing this. But like I said, I want to help them realize what they have done without create a huge fiasco.

Read: Exposure 101

Do not confront your wife. Your exposure targets are: Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, your children, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor/church leaders, facebook friends of affair partner.

Dr. Harley has been an expert in the field of infidelity for decades and this is what he has to say about that:


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2002600#Post2002600

There's the way that works, and there's all the other ways!

Are you listening to Dr. Harley's radio show, daily? Or are you passing up the chance to get expert advice from a clinical psychologist who has done this for years?

Not bad enough, already? What is this worse thing that you fear?

My wife had a workplace affair with her boss. You need to go to their bosses and tell them straight away. If you lack the courage to do that, then you lack the courage to fight for your marriage. In that case, I would cut your losses and plan for a divorce.

It is really just that simple.

If you don't expose far and wide then it will not end. You'll just give them a head's up and they'll be more discreet so you won't have any more proof. You'll be doing exactly what they need you to do for their affair to continue. It may hurt and cause massive embarrassment all around but if you love your wife and want to save the marriage then you have to expose far, wide, and publicly.

I should probably tell as many as possible. Unfortunately a lot of innocent people will be hurt by this.

Would you tell their place of employment? The financial impact could be devasting to me also because of this..

Did you read the Exposure 101 link?

Workplace exposure: Expose to Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both of the affairee�s supervisors using the template letter posted below.

Workplace exposure letter - be sure and send to 3 key people and cc each on the letter. Good targets would be the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both affairee's supervisor. This can be sent via registered letter or even via email!

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney--

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,
_________________________

From Dr Harley's book, Surviving an Affair - pg 71,

"While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children and the lover's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That's because such exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or it might trigger the outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult for them to find another job. So in those cases I usually advise the betrayed spouse to warn the unfaithful spouse he or she will expose the affair to the employer in a month if the unfaithful spouse is still working there, giving him or her time to make a graceful exit from the job to another. Even if a new job cannot be found in a month, I recommend waiting no longer to inform the employer, unless the unfaithful spouse has already resigned."

yes i did.