About a week ago I was recently shocked with the realization that wife of 10 years has been engaging in an affair for the last month or so. And in the whirlwind of my life, I happened upon this website, and am finding it helpful. Immediately upon finding out about the affair I confronted my wife. I took her to a nearby park and we spoke. I stayed calm. But I did demand that she stop the affair immediately. She told she would. I then emailed the other man, and exposed my knowledge of the affair to him and told him to end it. She was furious. However, five days later on Facebook I realized that she had not unfriended him, but had unfriended me instead. Now I'm furious. I confronted her about this, she said she took that action because she was upset with me. I then called the OM, left a patient voice mail, but demanded he cut off all contact. They are no longer friends on FB.

We've started with a couples therapist. From this I discovered that we are in two polar opposite places. I want to talk, I want to work, I want to be on this road to recovery now.She is telling me that she needs time by herself and that she is contemplating finding an apartment while we work this out.

If force the issue I'm "too controlling", if I give her space and time that she says she needs I fear that she will go even farther away.

We have 3 children (16,7, and 5). 16 knows what is going on, as do a few family members (sister, friend, my parent). Her family does not know. I read here that I should consider exposing her to her parents. But I fear that in doing so it would be catastrophic. Her parents would consider this a great betrayal and difficult to forgive if at all. I'm not sure what to do here.

Her response to my call to the other man was, " I wish you would have allowed me to do it, it would have made me feel more powerful." To which I responded, "Not doing it immediately hurt me, and I needed to take some control of a life spinning out of control"

In any case - there you are.

I want to keep this marriage together. Reading the articles on this website has been a source of help to me. So now I am here in the Forums

Thanks.

Hi DAD, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Good for you for confronting the OM, but I would strongly suggest you take this much farther and do it very soon because your window of opportunity is closing as we speak.

See, affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret helps it thrive and grow. Your W and the OM have a plan to resume the affair without your interference. That is why she is looking for an apartment and has asked for "space and time" to be free to pursue her affair. She may even move into the guest room and pronounce herself "separated." [so she will be free to pursue her affair]

But you have an opportunity to save your marriage if you will act on this right away. The key is to kill the affair. The way to kill the affair is to expose it wide and far. To all of your family, your children, her family, the OM's family, close friends, everyone. Exposing affairs ruins them. We have had affairs killed the day they were exposed. In other instances, it hastens their deaths.

An affair is an addiction much like a crack or alcohol addiction. Exposure has the effect of bringing in a crowd of people to the crack house to watch the crackheads get high. It ruins the fun!

So please go read the exposure thread linked in my signature and come back and lets talk. You are very lucky in that you have come here very recently after discovering the affair. That gives you a good chance at running this piece of crap off.

I would IMPLORE you to stay as far away from "counseling" as possible because going to counseling while there is an active affair is a disaster. Counselors do not understand the dynamics of infidelity or comprehend the FOG of the wayward spouse. They don't know how to save marriages in these situations and have no plan. As such, they tend to validate the destructive ideas of the wayward spouse making it much harder for you to ever save your marriage. It is like taking a falling down drunk to "counseling" and helping the drunk achieve his personal desires.

For example, it is not uncommon for a counselor to agree with the WS to move out for a "trial separation" to "get some space," because they don't understand it is a ploy to resume the affair, making it much, much more likely to end in divorce. Rarely does a counselor have a PLAN to save the marriage. That is what we provide here.

The steps we are giving you come from Dr. Bill Harley, a clinical psychologist who has specialized in saving marriages from infidelity for 40 years. There is no plan more successful in my experience. Not all marriages can - or should be - saved, but if your marriage can be saved, this is the best plan.

The affair is still ongoing.
Making demands an affair ends does not end it. It just upsets the cheating spouse. Dr. Harley does not encourage anyone to make demands, even demands to end an affair.
You need to expose the affair.

ummm, yes he does.

"Time alone" or "I need space" etc. never mean that. It always means they want you out of the picture so they can carry on business as usual.

How did your WW meet the OM?

Time for you to hide a VAR in the house and in WW's car. Also install a key logger on her PC.

If you have access to her phone activate the GPS.

You need to do these things to see if WW is having NC with the OM. If you find out she is breaking NC you must not reveal how you found out for then she will be able to take steps to block the access to you.

You just tell your WW when she asks for proof you tell her that you do not need to prove what is true.

Also time to do a full exposure. Exposure must be done all at once and under no circumstance is there a reason for you to tell your WW before you expose. Using a threat of you better stop the affair or I will expose never works and only warns the WW and OM to take measures to make your exposure less effective.

Exposure list is OMW, OM parents, OM family and friends, copy and paste his FB friends list so you have it before the OM blocks you. All you must expose the affair to WW's parents, siblings, children.

DAD
Read the Exposure thread and follow its steps and DO IT ALL.
Get your intelligence about the POSOM
Stop the "therapy"- waste of time at this point at the very least
Get a VAR and have it with you at all times
Read up on Plan A and do that
Now is the time as a man to act like one, you need to ACT and not be afraid
You are fighting for you family, you must be the one source of reason and stability

I'm not sure if the results are catastrophic or not.

I told her parents. It was not an easy conversation. My wife is viewing this as a complete break of trust. She was furious with me.

I could not convince her to stay home. She has gone to a hotel. I don't know when she will be back.

I am confident that this amount of Exposure has killed the affair. (And yes, I did read the Exposure thread, I am reading a lot here)

She needs a cooling off period, for she will not talk to me.

Just for clarity - since I am new. I don't quite get all the spelling short cuts
POSOM?
ACT?
WW?

DAD, did you expose to everyone? Did you expose to the OM's family and friends? If not, you need to do that now, because *JUST* exposing to her parents is not going to kill the affair. That will be very easy to overcome. Expose to the OM's family and friends, the rest of your family, close friends, and especially your CHILDREN tonight.

Don't ruin this by bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight. Your wife is furious, which is a good thing. But don't waste it on an ineffective, trickle exposure.

Don't tell us you are confident this has killed the affair, because I assure you it has not. She is most likely in contact with the OM now. You need to run him off.

Is the OM married?

Get these exposures DONE today so you can move on to next steps.

Listen to what Melody and other have told you, you only poked the bear.
Your list of exposure should have been long and deep including other man family, friends and work if work related
It should be done all at once in a massive tidal wave of exposure
You need to tell your kids in an age appropriate manner

Waywards that are non-repentant are dangerous cornered animals, be ready to protect yourself with the voice activated recorder.
Be ready for more ridiculousness from the wayward, outbursts, extreme anger, etc.

Now is the time to act like a man and be a leader for your family. Your kids need you to be stronger than you have ever been in your life.

DO NOT be a softie and cave into what the wayward wants, she will try you, test you, propose compromises, blame you, maybe even flirt, some have gotten trapped with sex.