Yes I am the husband of JBKT16. I am the abuser that she continues to talk about and ask your suggestions on how to handle our marriage. I am also the one that many did not understand when i went on the air with Dr. Harley. Yes, I am the one that has wanted details when things were out of the ordinary - who out there would not want to know what their spouse was doing during trying times? I love my wife with all my heart - she doesn't think so because I ask questions and she thinks it is absurd to answer because she says "if you trusted me, there would be no problem." I answered all of Dr. Harley's questions as honestly and complete as I thought he wanted - but for some, I guess because of her post, was construed as I did not correct or allow the whole picture to be seen. I know we have our problems, especially with the love busters - but I feel I am not the only one at fault. She claims I am an emotional abuser - I can not disclaim her feelings - she is the one that has them. But before all go jumping on her band wagon, shouldn't one know both sides before claiming we should separate, or even rid ourselves of our marriage and destroy the family we worked so hard to create. I understand that some have endured painful, horrible times within their marriage- and we have had the same tribulations - but who are you to prescribe the antidote for a marriage who, in my mind, has the possibility to be good (even great) because I believe we both still love each other. I can not tell you how many things have been brought to my attention through her that you all have shared online. I wonder now if it is her true feelings or thoughts that you all have concerning our marriage. I know I am sounding rude and even possibly uncaring but I do not understand how some feel it their duty to offer opinions when they do not know all of the facts.

Hi JBK12, thanks for signing up and posting. I was really hoping you would come around and post.

We aren't really interested in who does what to whom and who is more at fault. We are very interested in helping you both create better habits and have a great marriage. Do you want help with that?


Can you give some specific examples of questions you ask that bother her? And for the record, we don't advocate blind trust. We advocate complete openness and honesty.

This program ascribes to the belief that you are responsible for your behavior.

That's it. There is nothing a person's spouse can to justify abuse.

Is there openness and honesty?

without a doubt I want that -- but I do not advocate blind opinions when one is not in the know.

As for specific examples, anytime she goes somewhere I would like to know where and who she is going to be with. I would also like to know what her plans are, no matter who it is with. She feels it is unnecessary to give details because it makes her feel distrusted and that I am just trying to control her.

This is very untrue. I have never, not once gone somewhere with someone and him not know who / where i went. The only place i ever go (besides the grocery store), is when i visit my family, and the kids are with me.

Also, i have no problem at all answering any and all questions, my problem comes when he doesn't ever believe me, and my answer is never good enough.

WE agree 100%. Complete transparency creates trust.

as for responsibility to my behavior, I have foregone the angry outbursts (I think she has also addressed that in her posts). I am refusing (by walking away) from her when she decides that it is necessary to talk at that moment and I need time to think about the situation.
As for openness and honesty - I have always tried to be open to her. I have been dishonest when it comes to money spent on certain things (golf, clothes, snuff) - but have been very honest with my feelings towards her and how I would also like our marriage to be.

I know this question is for him, and i hope he will admit, that i have been open and honest from the get go.

I don't need his blind trust, y'all have helped me realize that it's not the fact that he gets these feelings, but the way he treats me, that is the problem.

Have you re-listened to your show? I heard you say something different on the show so I'm not sure how to advise you. On the show, you mentioned that she tells you where she is going and with whom but that you don't like it when she tells you the day of the event (which is also always when you too will be gone.) The impression I got is that your wife IS open and honest but you still don't like her to go anywhere without you.

We also recommend that you don't read your spouse's thread.

JBK16, it is best to keep to your own thread.

STOP Writing in EACH OTHERS THREADS.

The point of your threads is to work on your own behavior, not score points off your spouse. If an issue needs to be addressed, leave it in your own thread.

I apologize, i didn't know that was against what y'all do. Felt like he is not telling the truth about me. I will write on mine own.

going to her parents or having planned something when i am gone and having told me beforehand is different than telling me 2 hours before i get on a bus and go out of town. I said on the show and I stand by my words - if arrangements had been made and put on the schedule -- i know about them and somewhat know how to handle them in my screwed up mind. When they are sprang upon me, I wonder the intentions and why the plans are just now being made. Again, I have no reason to distrust my wife - to my knowledge she has not done anything wrong to me so I have no right to think she is untrustworthy. When I ask details about anything, she seems to get defensive and that throws a red flag up to me.

Apples123 - I have never written in her thread and will not - but thank you for checking that out before stating something that is untrue.

Are you being sarcastic?

ETA: I can't tell your purpose with that statement. Remember, tone is not conveyed on a forum.

Does any of that give you the right to have an angry outburst?

when one lies about me and what I have done - I feel I have the right to correct the wrong

and one can take that in any tone they wish to receive it - no sarcasm at all

What the program will do is teach you both to negotiate decisions that make you both happy.

BUT that can't happen until you both completely eliminate love busters. For example, no matter frustrated you become with her behavior, you have to get into the habit of avoiding love busters.

Do you have the book Lovebusters yet?