OK, so I have been thinking about it further, and I am going to tell my children. How have others gone about this?

Sorry and I meant to say that I found the head of HR's contact details and have disclosed to her.

And how do I deal with the immediate aftermath. I assume I then tell her that I have told the children. I also assume she will get angry which the children will see.

EJ, you can encourage them to ask her questions. I would not expect her to get angry at your children for asking questions.

Just give them the facts of the affair, who it is with and give some background information. Tell them why adultery is wrong and how much it hurts you. Let them know that you are doing your best to get their mother to end her affair so you can save your marriage. Most of all, let them know whatever happens, you will always be there for them.

Good job!!

What about the OM's family and friends? It is a good idea to get ahold of them TODAY so the exposures hit like a tsunami. The closer the exposures, the more impactful.

Sorry for bombarding the thread. So as I said I suspected the affair was continuing, and so I continued the snooping. I thought that the exposure would cause contact and so put a VAR in the car. And yes, it caused lots of contact.

The exposure did have an effect. I have told her why I am doing it ie it is no longer secret, but I have not gone any further than that. Their discussion focussed a lot on this ie they think it is bulls**t. But equally they could not come up with any other explanation other than I must be lashing out. In particular, whilst I know the trickle effect is frowned on here, it impacted their conversation because there were comments such as at least he didn't disclose to X (as an aside I cannot quite hear who X was but will try some audio software to remove car noise). But the next day when work was exposed, it did cause much more of a reaction. She was out of the office and it seems he spent the day running around talking to people about it. One possible downside is that he thinks it is a good thing it is now out in the open, although that may be him trying to counter the actual intention.

Anyway the main purpose of this post is to address the main issue from the recording.

He said he has been trying to convince her to call it a day with me for 2 months now, and she has not even got close to doing so. As part of trying to meet her needs, we went out for a day on Saturday without kids. We went shopping, had drinks and dinner and we reminisced about when things were good between us and why we fell in love in the first place. It was a good day. I believe her when she says she also enjoyed it. She said it had helped in moving me from the "like box" back to the"love box".

The day before, according to the recording, she had met her parents following my exposure to them. It seems that the outcome of that was she needs to just make a decision and tell me. They also do not agree with the idea of leaving her work without a job to go to as they had issues in their marriage about her mother giving up her career for the kids and her dad's job. It appeared that the likely outcome was that she would opt to tell me that it is over - the exposure being blamed as the trigger because "that is not like me".

She did not tell me. On Sunday, after our day out we had another chat about what our options are. I said there are 3: she leaves him (and that means her job), we become one of those couples where I turn a blind eye but we do not separate or we call it a day. I immediately discounted the second one because I am not going to do that. So it leaves 2 options. She said she does not want a divorce - the idea makes her sad. She also said that she thinks a trial separation would not work because she thinks we would run back to each other in no time at all. But she refuses to leave work immediately - she gave the same reasons mentioned before and tried to buy some time until she has a new job. So we are in a vicious circle.

It seems to me there is something there to salvage from this mess, but she will not do what I require to exorcise the affair. So:

- I will tell my children. We all know why I don't want to tell them. I think they are too young to understand especially the younger one (4yrs 9months). And I think there is a risk that I am blamed by them for telling them. But deep down the reason I have not told them is that I worry/expect it may trigger her to make a decision to leave.

- should I confront her about the recording?

- is this a position from which we can even move to Plan A or should I test her response above (ie she would run back to me quickly) by moving out and cutting direct contact? It makes me so sad to even consider writing that, but I acknowledge that this may be the only possible solution from here

Thanks. I spammed away today on facebook. Should I make him aware of this or just let his friends contact him? I am going to try to get his mother' telephone number

EJ, did you send private messages to his contacts as I described in my exposure thread? And yes to calling his mother!! That will be very, very impactful.

keep up the good work!

Yes. I sent messages by individual message to all his friends. There does not seem to be a $1 payment required now and the speed was OK as a popup comes up to check I am not a computer. I assume that is the right place.

This is exactly why trickle exposures are so bad. The waywards have a chance to get to those who don't know in order to spin the story. And by the time you contact that person, they are jaundiced against you and less willing to listen. HOWEVER, you will have made up for lost time if you DILIGENTLY complete your exposures today, especially to the OM's mother.

Exposing to the OM's mother will have a massive effect on your wife because it will RUIN her plans to integrate into his family. She will be less likely to show her face to them if she knows they know she is just an adulteress. This exposure may very well be the one that ruins the affair.


You have been doing a great job presenting yourself as an attractive place to land.


I would call and explain to them that you will be giving up the marriage entirely if she doesn't leave that job. There will be no marriage to save. You are not asking her to stop working, you are asking her to leave THAT job and discontinue ALL contact with OM. It is that or a divorce. Will they support your marriage or will they support her little job? They must choose.

And don't pay any mind to your wife telling you "it's over" if that happens. You need to understand that she has the mentality of a falling down drunk right now because she is high on an affair. The things she says are meaningless becuase she is not in her right mind and because her decisions will change from day to day.


You only need to continue to apply pressure at the workplace to motivate her to leave. Keep telling her that she has to leave that job in order to have a marriage. If she doesn't leave, this will lead to divorce.


I don't understand at all why you don't want to tell them since it is in their best interest. A 4 year old does understand. VERY MUCH. My father had an affair when i was age 4 and it had a profound effect on me because of my parent's silence. Your children probably know this is going on and may have even been introduced to the OM already. The confusion they feel over the lack of guidance and the dishonest explanations for the source of tension will have lasting effects. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies.


NO. Just keep that in your pocket and keep listening. Good for you for installing the VAR!!


You are doing an AWESOME Plan A so just stick with it. You are paying way too much attention to what she says, though. That will throw you off. You need to accept that you are dealing iwth a falling down drunk and focus on YPUR PLAN. Your plan is to a) bust up the affair and b) present yourself as an attractive place to land.

uh oh, that concerns me because that is still a facebook policy. Did you do all this from a PC?

Yes it was from a PC. What is the policy?

When I just tried to send a message to a non friend from my PC, a box popped up telling me: "Your message will go to her Other folder because you aren't connected to her on Facebook. See More." When I click "see more," it gives me the option of sending a message to her inbox if I pay $1.

Did that box not pop up for you?

FB's message help section says that a message to a non-friend may end up in the "other box" and I may be required to pay. I did not get an option to pay. His wife will not give me the mother's phone number.

Thank you for the response on my questions above. So is the procedure now to insist that she leave her job? Do I do this frequently or just tell her one last time that this is the one and only condition and then play Plan A and meet her needs?

How long do I leave it about the job if she just refuses?

How can you get the mothers phone #? Were you able to ID her from his facebook page? What about the wife's page? i would stay on that until you can find her. Why wouldn't she give you the mother's phone #? That is odd.

And I assume you ARE doing the facebook exposures from a PC?


I would say it often that in order for your marriage to work out, she will have to leave that job. That is far from the only condition. The first STEP is complete and total no contact for life. You can continue to offer to meet her needs and create a great marriage if she will end her affair. [and that means ALL contact] Don't fall for the "we will only discuss business" ruse. That is like an alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" in order to get people off his back.


You can potentially go up to 6 months depending on your health. But if you start losing weight and getting sick, Dr Harley would recommend that you separate and go into Plan B for the sake of your health.

I will be surprised if she doesn't leave the job or get fired now that you have exposed there. Workplace affairs ruin careers and even if they don't term her for this, I assure you that most managers want to "manage out" reckless, unprofessional employees because they are walking legal liabilities. And they can't be trusted on a team.

oops, I see you did answer my question about doing it from a PC. never mind!

Thanks. So, assuming I can go for 6 months, does that mean going for that long even if she keeps refusing to leave work? It is basically 6 months of knowing that today it continues, but I work on making her agree that all contact has to end if we have a future?

Keep bring up a new job to ensure the end of the affair and rescue the marriage.

I urge you to contact your in-law and explain the you are being advised by a leading infidelity expert. His research has shown that the only way for a marriage to survive and thrive is to end all contact with the affair partner and make an another affair impossible. Since hers was a workplace affair, she must leave the job ASAP. You are trying to build a marriage which makes their daughter and you happy and protected.

in Surviving an Affair, Dr. Harley mentions a one month deadline to leave the job. You could always email him and ask for specific advice.