Do you use Dr Harley's advice in your marriage?

Admiration is part of Dr. Harley's teachings. If practicing Admiration, it is likely that congeniality is being accomplished.

Congeniality, however, is broader in meaning than Admiration.

When expressing and receiving or witnessing admiration, problems are not being discussed or differences narrowed to achieve the policy of Joint Agreement.


Admiration is partly in the control of the person offering the admiration.

Congeniality, includes being polite when discussing differences of opinion.

I personally have a character trait of finding enjoyment in pointing out imperfections in others. I selfishly feel more important after finding fault with others.

For me to uphold the goal of congeniality, I need to avoid my habit of criticizing. I suggest that congeniality is a path to achieving many of the principles of Marriage Builders and Christ.

Similarly, while I may desire admiration; I may appreciate admiration; and I may ask for admiration; I feel that I DESERVE congeniality, and that I have a right to DEMAND congeniality.

If one partner choses non-congenial modalities of communication, it makes it difficult for the partners to arrive at an agreement on expenditures or to agree on other issues.

Are both partners to blame for non-congenial interactions?

I am to blame if I have not pointed out the importance of cordiality, in negotiations, and to point out the list of a backlog of issues, that may come to the front, without, an agreement, and force a partner in the lead in that area, to take independent action.


Dr. Harley discusses the importance of leadership with choices. So it is important to have discussions, in a congenial manner, so the choices can be understood, and preferences discussed, BEFORE crunch time.

This partly explains some of the differences in my interests between congeniality and Admiration.


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Is that a "yes", or a "no"?

Avoiding Love Busters is part of Marriage Builder's teachings.

Love busters are often discussed as major affronts to a partner.

An opposite of a Love Buster might be Congeniality.

So if congeniality between partners is being achieved, then Love Busters are being avoided.

One way to achieve congeniality could be by avoiding derisive comments.

Suggestions can be phrased in constructive, pleasant terms.

Criticism can usually be translated into a suggestion or two.

Avoiding Love Busters, and achieving congeniality can be approached by looking out for ideas that are uncongenial.

Perfection is an ideal that can usually be easily understood. Most of us do not achieve perfection in many aspects of our lives, with Good Enough, or Barely Adequate, or temporary slumps may be reality in some aspects of perfectionist ideals.

So if ideas of perfection arise in a discussion between partners, congeniality may be at risk. Discussing things in absolute terms of All or Nothing concepts, may be another risk to congeniality.

Certainly joking and teasing have a place in marriage, but carrying too far, can be a risk to congeniality, and even create Love Busters.


Love Busters is Basic Concepts #5.


Spending time together is a deposit to the Love Bank, another Basic Concept, but if the time is less than congenial, the time spent, may be of no value in the Love Bank concept.
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Congeniality is no substitute for romantic love. A marriage with congenial partners and no romantic love is like a chocolate cake with no sugar. You are not on to anything useful with these essays. I suggest educating yourself on Dr. Harley's concepts without pointlessly augmenting them with your own ideas.

Thank you for pointing out the importance of establishing Love.

I found a Dr. Harley article on Love:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html


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Thank you for your insight.

I would respond that uncongenial remarks could often be withdrawals from the Love Bank.

Building Romantic Love can be approached by reducing/eliminating withdrawals from the Love Bank.

Quality time would include time in congenial conversation/exchanges.

I don't see that a thread on Congeniality, is contrary to the Teachings of Dr. Harley. I see Congeniality as an Application of Dr. Harley's principles, rather than an augmentation.



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I don't understand the point of any of your threads. What are you trying to achieve by posting these points? Do you apply these actions to your marriage?

Did you have some suggestions?

My suggestion: answer the questions you've been asked.

Congenial Discussions of differences of opinions can be constructive, enlightening, and enchanting.

Discussions, however, can evolve into arguments, that are not congenial

Watching for signs of arguments can be important to keep discussion congenial.

Arguments involve making the other person wrong, or verbal constructions which give opinions the sound of facts. Distinguishing between non-complimentary opinions, and facts can be important to keep a discussion from getting negatively emotional. Positive opinions can increase congeniality.


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I think your attempt to complain, and to discuss conflicts, in a manner that does not destroy your marriage is laudable. MB is very much about creating a marriage that is satisfying to both spouses, and being able to complain about things that withdraw love units is an important part of achieving that.

However, Dr Harley has provided several articles on this site - about how to resolve conflicts, how have pleasant negotiations, how to complain without being abusive, when to tell your spouse "we have a problem", why peace and goodwill are essential for effective conflict resolution, and how to have good conversations. With these, and with the addition of the daily radio broadcasts, he has provided all we need to use the MB programme as it is intended to be used.

So I go back to my point of not understanding the point of this thread, in which you make a number of observations, and I ask again: are you using Dr Harley's work in your marriage? If so, what is the purpose of this thread?

Actually, in a marriage, you should steer clear of labeling anything as "fact" or "opinion." That is, if you wish to avoid disrespectful judgements.

This proves that congeniality is not enough in marriage. One can be congenial while also gushing disrespectful judgements.

I don't want a marriage that is congenial like that.

Dr. Harley has already figured out how to have discussions that don't get emotionally negative. Those of us who follow his plan are very happy. Mere congeniality isn't part of it.

I can vouch for that!


Dr. Harley would talk a lot about value judgments.

When you talk about your spouse's behavior and beliefs, don't say anything that is a negative value judgment.

However, if you can make any positive value judgments, by all means express those.

A negative value judgment is a disrespectful judgment and is a criticism.

A positive value judgment is admiration, an important emotional need for many husbands and wives as well.

Such as labeling things as "non-complimentary opinions" vs. "facts."

My style of learning and Self-Improvement is probably different than many on the forum. I have set the goal of Congeniality, as an achievable, short term reminder concept. Many people learn by reading articles and books. My style is to skim articles, and write up my own structure of how I can improve myself, and make more deposits, and less withdrawals, from the Love Bank.

I am sometimes insensitive in my comments to my wife. Certainly the ultimate goal is Romantic Love, but focusing on Romantic Love, as a short-term goal, is too distant, for my personal self-improvement approach.

There are many Marriage Builder articles, books and other treads, that discuss making deposits to the Love Bank. I am not claiming originality, and if there is something similar, somewhere on Marriagebuilders, I would welcome the reference. But my style of self-improvement is to take a particular concept for self-improvement and post ideas on incorporating the concepts into my behavior. I welcome any comments on the thread, but I try to stay focused on the shortcomings I have identified in myself, that are worth spending time and thought for Self-Improvement.

I suppose there are many people who do not see the point in my postings. It is just my attempt to better utilize the teachings of Marriage Builders.


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With all due respect, have you considered that perhaps your approach doesn't work if you have been here for 10 years and are still struggling with the very basics? When one follows this program and implements the concepts, it takes around 8 months to create romantic love.


You have been here for 10 years. Just how "distant" is your objective of achieving romantic love? Ten years seems unnecessarily long.

If do it yourself has not worked, and it clearly has not, why not hire the Harley's and stop spinning your wheels? Many of us posting here went through the MB course years ago and have experienced romantic marriages for years. Maybe it is time to admit that your own methods don't work?

But, wow, Senator - we don't want people to think that romantic love is a distant goal that will take years to achieve! You are working against what we are trying to do here.