Hi all,

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 4. We married quickly, and young (he now admits he wasn't ready), while he was in the military. We now have a 9 month old son. He is out of the military now.

My husband has had numerous affairs, including some with escorts and a stripper. He is currently engaged in one right now and claims he is done with the marriage.

We have both had toxic communication, selfish, and immature behavior throughout our marriage. I lash out and he runs away.

As soon as we were married, I switched into "baby making mode" and the sex became clinical. I was controlling about everything he put in his mouth and what he did and scheduled sex to make sure we could have a baby. It still took us 18 months to get pregnant, so for 18 months we had clinical sex. I also controlled him, trying to mold him into what he should be instead of letting him be his authentic self. I lashed out a lot, but especially towards the end after he started going online to talk to other women.

It started with dating sites but quickly moved to affairs. There's been many short-term affairs and at least a couple of one night stands. He runs away and seeks attention from other women the second something gets tough in the marriage or life. It's like his coping mechanism.

We never got help, we tried to read His needs, Her needs but I never listened to what his needs were, and he was checked out too. We attended Retrouville this past weekend but it's too late. He's ready to leave and be with his affair partner.

I am trying to grow and work to be able to communicate in a healthy manner, and not to be so controlling. Too little, too late. I won't take blame for his serial cheating, but I do realize my part I've played in the marriage. By ignoring his needs, I helped break down what we had. Perhaps he would have cheated anyway but I still realize what I need to change.

Is there any hope for this marriage or should I walk away? I know it's crazy to even consider staying with a serial cheater but I guess I just want advice. Please be gentle, I am in a sad place right now, trying to cope with the marriage and take care of our young son. Thank you so much.

Walk away

Thank you. We haven't had sex since July and I have had an STD test. He was working hard to get "better" since then but I couldn't get past the hurt/no trust, we fought so much, and then he started another affair. I know it really is stupid to even question this marriage, it's just hard with a child involved and I'm scared. My parents have already offered to take me in so I can fully separate from him.

Please don't blame yourself for your husband's behavior. Serial cheaters are different animals from those who accidentally find themselves in an affair. These adulterers go trawling for action because they get an adrenaline rush from the chase/conquest. It sounds as if you are married to one of those. Yes, it may be a coping mechanism for him. It was for mine.

Your problem is that you cannot guarantee that there will never be another tough moment in your marriage no matter how hard you try. Life is full of bumps in the road. You could get cancer or lose a child. He could get fired.

You would have to find a way to affair proof your marriage. He would have to agree to be monitored 24 hours a day for the rest of your life and you would need to be ok doing that.

The other option is to walk away.

Who is the OW? Is she married?

Also listen to the clips in here. Serial Cheaters

All I have is a first name and a phone number. My husband told me he ended it last night and the affair was over, I left a message with the OW and she texted me back that she ended it and not to have any more contact with her. I'm not sure who ended it, he's always had short-term affairs.

I don't think I want to live a life where I have to keep my husband by my side 24/7. I want to be able to trust my husband. I realize that this husband is not going to give me the trusting and open marriage I want without serious help, which he isn't ready to get.

Thanks, I will do that.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I appreciate the insight very much.

Hi Laura, welcome to Marriage Builders. I agree with Sugarcane, apparently you were not "controlling" enough because he still managed to conduct himself like an alley cat in heat. Your husband is what Dr Harley would call a FREELOADER:


In your case, he is much worse because his affairs are incredibly damaging to your mental and physical health. Please separate from this man, change your locks and go into a DARK Plan B. He is a dangerous person.

You need to expose what has been happening in your marriage, and the reason why you are ending it, to everyone that is close to you and your husband, and to the other woman's family. You must not leave this crucial step undone. Even though you have no intention of getting back with him, you must not let people think that you are your H are parting because "you do not get on" or "the relationship has run its course" - or worse still, because you were controlling and made him have clinical baby-making sex. Your H will spin these events to make you into a bully and a neglectful wife in other peoples eyes; do not let this happen.

Please try and find out OW full identity and track her down on Facebook. You can then see if she is married, and tell her H about the affair. if your H and she are connected through work, you can tell their employees.

You don't want this woman becoming a stepmother to your son. Expose the sleazy nature of your H's relationships and stop that from happening. (Don't listen to the words of a lying whore, or her pimp, that their relationship is over.)

I have exposed him, his family barely seems to care about his behavior. My parents know and are welcoming me back home to get out of this marriage. Exposing him has done nothing. I have tried to find out the OW identity and no luck. I have employed others to help track her down through her phone number and nothing. It comes up as a completely different name. I only have her first name. She's ignored my texts/calls up until last night when she confirmed it was over. I only believe it because he said he ended it and she said she did. Wouldn't they have the same story if they were both trying to lie?

He's not a complete freeloader. He's financially cared for me so I could stay home, helps around the house, cooks, gave me back rubs, takes care of me while I'm sick, and is generally a great father. I see what you're saying though.

Why do you think he's dangerous?

Your health will be affected if you stay in this situation too long.

I would say he 100% meets the definition of freeloader because he only does what comes naturally and is not willing to give extraordinary care to his marriag.

A person who is a serial cheater is dangerous to your emotional and physical health. He KNOWS how devastagting it is, yet he continues to hurt you. He exposes you to STDs and an abusive environment. That environment is so destructive that Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist, advises women to separate in 3 weeks unless there is a radical change.

A great father who is so selfish that he destroys the only security his child will know in pursuit of his own selfish interests. Just because a serial cheater father is nice to the children does not mean he is a good parent. I say this as the DAUGHTER of a serial cheater. Cheaters are typically corrupt and teach their children to be corrupt.

That's valuable insight. My greatest motivation is my son and raising him into a moral person. Can I ask, if it's okay, how having a serial cheating father affected you? Having my son grow up away from him would be better than, yes? My parents live in NY and we currently live in VA, so my son would be raised in NY if I left.

More damaging to a son than to a daughter because we base our behavior on our same sex parent. My serial adulterer ex had a serial adulterer father. That is where he learned this coping mechanism. If you do not break the chain, it continues in perpetuity.

We are in a similar boat Laura, my husband has actually had over 40 women, and my STD testing came out positive. Besides, most of the things he told me in the inital confession were just half truths and underestimation.

I think he is a sex addict, and i hae adviced him to get help, however we are currently separated. I had to take the decision because he was just taking me for granted. Making no efforts to make anything right, lying while claiming he was disclosing.

Please believe me, you didnt play any part to his cheating by not meeting his needs, it had nothing to do with you, honestly Laura. Just try to be strong and protect yourself, and be a little selfish. Do what will be good for YOU and your child.
I think the only way a serial cheater can change is if he is truly remorseful, and seeks help.