Hi. I am a first time poster and found this site through a group at my church. There is a small group meeting on His Needs Her Needs and my husband and I have signed up to attend, and are listening to the audio book together. Here is my story.... I am sorry if it is long or confusing. I am in absolute turmoil so my thoughts probably will not come out in the most clear order. Thank you for taking the time to read and giving me any advice on the subject.

I have been married to my husband for 11 years, and we have been together for 22 years. He was my first love- we met when I was only 15, we were in high school and we have stayed together ever since. We have the type of marriage that on the outside looks incredible to all of our friends and something that people have told me they wished they had. We have survived the death of his parents at a young age, getting custody of a youngest sibling and raising him to adulthood, and my battle with anxiety and depression. He was essential in helping me through a very dark time in my life in my late teens and I credit him more than therapy and medication in my healing process. He is my best friend and I have always been his.

Several years ago after we were married he decided to go back to school to pursue his dream of becoming a teacher. It was a very rough road for someone who was out on their own with responsibilities and bills to pay so eventually he had to move to a night shift position to go to school during the day. This was especially hard on our relationship because I didn't want to stay home alone at night, and in some selfish immature way I thought that he was picking this shift over me. My rational self knew it was for 'us' in the long run. We compromised on the length of time it would take him away from me on this shift and unfortunately school took longer than expected, and the night shift continued and continued. I spent my time working a second job as well and with friends. Eventually I met new friends at work that were young and fun and wanted to go out. Something I'd never done before and my husband was ok with it. Probably more ok than he should have been. This is the first and only really huge relationship for the both of us, we were inexperienced and we made mistakes. I figured if he had friends over on a Friday night, I could go out with my friends instead. Now I look back and see it is as passive aggressive. I wanted attention from my husband but my inexperienced foolish self thought on some level I was paying him back for leaving me alone while he pursued his night job. Eventually some of these friends proved they weren't friends at all and I met new coworkers- I actually lost the one who I considered another best friend. My husband was not there for me like I really needed him to be during the time I lost this friend. And as fate would have it, another new coworker friend was there. He was/is married with two kids, but a very "nice" guy. Everyone thinks he's a nice guy. We confided in each other at the time because I was going through a lot with the loss of one of my "best friends" who this new person new as well. He was actually going through a tough time in his marriage and he was being pursued by yet another coworker to leave his wife. I tried to help him during this time because that's what I do.... I find a weird sense of purpose trying to help others but I care too much. It is a lesson I have learned after many years of mistakes and one I will never make again. My new friend was having money troubles and since we lived close, we decided that we could carpool just like several other employees were doing. Seemed innocent enough- this new friend and my husband liked each other too so no big deal, right? Wrong. Over time me helping this friend overcome the infidelity that he was committing with that mistress turned into something else. I helped him see how wrong it was that he was straying from his wife, all the while believing what everyone else believed- that my marriage was something that was unshakeable and a great example of two people making it work.

Friends have always found us to be inspiring, while underneath I was unhappy because I wasn't getting the attention I craved from my husband. I always felt second place to his career and it put plans on hold. We've never wanted children when we were young, having already raised a teenager, but as we got older those feelings changed. Due to my anxiety a pregnancy has always felt like something I could not handle but in the last few years I've reconsidered. Both my husband and I have actually thought about fostering and adopting a child as well. At any rate, I bring this up because I believe I was also resentful of my husband because he was working this night job, I would have liked a baby deep down and I knew I would need more help than the average person to make it work. Him working a night shift would not be something that I could handle while raising a baby. We mutually agreed to hold off on a child until he was graduated and had found a career.

As I said before, my new friend and I were carpooling in late 2013 and very early 2014. We became very close. Before long all those feelings he had toward the other woman at work became directed at me. I was the one who was trying to help him save his marriage from the girl, but then I became the issue. I didn�t want to believe it. I would defend myself to myself- crazy right? And all the while I knew it was wrong I still enjoyed the attention and compliments that this person gave me daily. We texted all the time, saw each other at work every day and I began to get those feelings of butterflies too but I would not admit them to the guy. I knew I had a crush but I also loved my husband very much. It all came to a head when his wife became upset at our closeness, and he started asking questions about how if I wasn't with my husband.... if I would have met him first... he told me he loved me. I realized I loved him as more than a friend. I realized that I had been giving all of my attention to the wrong person. I realized how in some terrible and ironic way I had gone from trying to help this person out to being another problem. I was also going to church at the time and I do not know what I would have done if I did not have my faith. I backed away from this person slowly but surely having the conversations needed to move our relationship back to where it should be. With our financial situation I could not quit my job and this person still worked there, unfortunately. I was honest with my husband about this friend liking me, but I did not tell him that some of these feelings were mutual because I didn�t want to hurt him. In my heart I knew that given time I would stop having these feelings towards this friend. I remember what it was like for the small amount of time that I was really feeling it- it was like a drug. I loved to be with this person and I looked forward to seeing him every day. I always tried to look my best, I loved his texts and emails, I fantasized that this could work and I wasn't thinking about anyone else for a small moment. I am so thankful that God gave me clarity. I began working on myself, which is what I should have started doing years ago.

Finally, finally, finally my husband graduated. He had quit the job he hated and was doing something he loved. I was so proud of him- it had been a long since we were as close as we were in early 2014. I threw him a big party with all of our friends and family. He was happy and I was happy. I think we both felt like FINALLY this was our moment and we would finally reap the rewards of all of our years of hard work and hard times. My faith was rapidly getting stronger, my sense of self was stronger. Unfortunately he could not find a job after graduation. He is a teacher and that�s a hard job to come by at times. He ended up going back to the school where he had done student teaching in order to take a job as a para professional. The pay was terrible and he had to go right back to working several jobs, me included so we could pay our bills. We have mountain of student loan debt and payments on that were starting to come. Despite all of that, my husband loved his job as a para because he was in a school where he wanted to be. I was very happy for him but at the same time, deep down, kind of envious. As stated before, I have stayed at my job that I do not enjoy, that I do not feel is really right for me because WE needed the stability of this good income. Besides, how many people don�t like their jobs? Lots. I mean, it�s part of life. My second job makes me happy so I just tried to be satisfied to wait until he was settled and then I could move on with my own career. As I said, he was happy at school and met a whole new circle of friends. Some were great and some not so much. Slowly I saw my husband change over his time working there during that year as a para. He started going out a lot and hanging out with them at bars. Things I used to want to do but didn�t anymore- it reminded me of my tiny early adult crises of a few years back. All that mattered at time were my friends. It really seemed like our roles had completely reversed. He had never gotten the chance to enjoy like I did back then and at this point in my life I�m geared up for the family I want to have. I remember way back when we had talks and he told me he wanted me to put my phone down, that he wanted me to pay more attention to him, that he wanted to go out dates. I didn�t do those things the way I should have. I felt harped on�. In May of this year he felt the same.

Yes I was enjoying church but I became the kind of Christian my pastor always tells me not to be�. I became the righteous one. One that judges others when doesn�t Jesus tell us judge not lest ye be judged? Suddenly in June of this year I saw it and saw what I was doing. I had good intentions but I was going about them the wrong way. My husband was raised Catholic but has not gone to church in years. He does not subscribe to their beliefs, is pretty open minded about the Bible, yet has a tattoo of Jesus�s name on his back. He is a believer but he is where I was before I re-discovered church a couple of years ago. It has changed my life and I know that God can turn ANY situation around for the good of those who love Him. I believe that one day my husband will come to see that going to church will be beneficial to him. He has already said he agreed to have any child raised in my church. That is a huge victory in and of itself. At any rate, we had a knock down drag out fight in June that gave me clarity. At the time his para position had ended and we had entered into the most stressful time our relationship has ever known. We had no more savings, we had debt from school and he still did not have a permanent job. The school he wanted to work at that he had the para job had cutbacks and all hope of getting hired on there was lost. It was a major blow to both of us. He was going on other interviews here and there but I did not feel like he was trying hard enough and he was making excuses for staying a para. I was tired of him working a million jobs to make it work. He was working summer school but we were looking at about 2 months with no real pay for him and we were not sure how we would make it. Our savings would not cover it. He was extremely stressed out. During the fight he finally told me that he had been unhappy for a while. He told me he loved me but he didn�t know what to do to make things work. We actually talked about divorce. I�ve thrown the word around in the past because I don�t fight fair- this was the first time that I�d brought it up and he seemed defeated like that really was a possibility. I have only said it for a reaction�. Wrong, I know. I was scared and jolted into reality. We had a really long talk on the floor of our bedroom and in the end we agreed to try to make things right. We didn�t set up rules for how to do that or an action plan, though but I knew I was going to stop being so righteous and he finally understood how I felt about things with his job. Still we had this hard summer with no work while he stressed about finding another job ahead of us.

The summer was the most stressful time for my husband and I that we have ever known. We were both frustrated at his inability to find a job. I was frustrated with the continued feeling of having to put my future on hold until work was found. It led to more bickering and arguments here and there but none like the one in June. At the very end of July we got a blessing- he was hired on at a new school! It�s at a rough inner city school but at least it was a school. The person who got him the job is a Christian and very involved in church. He taught at the school my husband really liked and moved here to be the principal. He is the absolute best influence on my husband. He loves the same things as my husband and he has a good marriage, a family, etc. I took a mini vaca from work so we could decorate his class room and spend time together before the start of the year. I was feeling like finally my prayers were answered. I am different than I used to be and I felt like getting my husband away from all of these new friends and into another school was a HUGE blessing, not to mention that he would not have to work a million jobs to make it. Things were looking up, though they did still feel a bit weird. He was spending a lot of time texting and leaning on people from that first school over the summer, but he explained it away as needing job advice, and a lot of it was. Again, some of these people I liked and some I had a very bad feeling about. Very early in 2015 I attended a function outside of work with his new friends and the entire set up was strange. Without going into great detail, I will say that I was not put first in the situation and it soured my future relationship with many of the new friends. My anxiety causes me to be too concerned with what others are thinking, my head space can be very negative and it is only through prayer that I have been able to overcome some of it. During this time I was at a low point. It hurt my feelings and in the past I have had a hard time letting go of hurts. I am getting better though. This feeling about not being first with these friends continued. He seemed to struggle to keep in touch with them after starting at the new school and every time I would see any of them conversation always turned to how he could hopefully eventually return to work there. He hates his new job at the new school- the kids are rough. It�s something I actually thought he would excel at given his own very poor childhood, but these kids are extremely difficult cases. His stress is palpable at times. I make it a habit of just listening to him vent every day and making time for him, to what I thought was the best of my ability. I have been trying to be agreeable to almost anything he wants, but at times we still bicker. For example he had a party about a month ago and invited all the people over I do not care for and pretty soon I felt very left out. I know part of this is in my head but part of it is true. After the party we fought and I cried and cried telling him how I want to start a family and I want to be first in his life. He was the old guy I always have known and loved he held me and told me that we could do that, that he would make me first etc. Things have actually seemed better after that, despite me still feeling like something was missing.

I began to get curious about his phone. He has had it stolen at the school he�s in which was something else that was very upsetting to him�.. He has a code lock on it and I have a code lock on mine. We have always said that it was for security if the phone was lost. We never have hid the codes from each other but we�ve never shared them either. I hid my phone when I was doing my texting I shouldn�t have been with my friend. Something told me he was doing something I wouldn�t like. At times he seemed careful with his phone and I�d tried to figure out the code behind his back, never successful. Eventually last Saturday he gave me his phone to select a movie. As I was doing it I quickly slipped into the text messages and saw things that crushed me. I saw a string of texts from one of the people at his old school that I liked, that I thought wouldn�t be one of the bad ones, that I thought wouldn�t hurt me. Flirty inappropriate things� I went crazy and he took the phone from me. I started screaming and I lost it demanding he let me see the phone and all the texts. He was telling me that they had been talking for a while but since the end of July they were trying to just be friends. He said nothing happened- that they only kissed twice in one week back in July and nothing more but had kept texting and talking on the phone. He wrestled it away from me and before long he was freaking out crying that he was sorry, that he had ruined my life, that he was a terrible person and I was threatening to go and tell this woman�s husband, the father of her two kids. I knew where she lived. He didn�t want that he said no one else knew and that her husband would commit suicide if he knew- that it would ruin their family. I demanded he let me see the texts and I would not tell. He gave me the phone and I think we both were about to get sick. I was beside myself- all of my anxieties and demons coming to get me at once. He knows how unstable I can be and I could see that he was freaking out beyond belief. It was the worst night of my life. I was screaming and couldn�t believe what I had read. He deleted her texts and her contacts off the phone- I wanted to see his face book account but he deleted that too- he said it would only hurt me and was the same kinds of messages as were on the phone. I read things from a couple months ago about how they loved each other but she didn�t want to leave her family. They both cared for each other but thought it would be best to work on their own relationships but my husband was my friend at work- he was infatuated with her and she was me. They carried on farther than we had- it had progressed to a drunken night at a coworkers birthday party where they went outside, were talking and kissed, He said they were both shocked and moved away from each other but because they couldn�t stop thinking about each other met in a park the following week to talk, which ended in another kiss. She sent him photos of her dress shopping when she was going out of town to see what he thought. There was an older text about how sexy he thought she was and how much he thought of her. It was the most horrifying thing I have ever read in my life and I still feel a huge hole in my chest. He told me that there had never been plans to leave each other�s spouse. That basically there was no well thought out and constructed plan. That since the end of July they had been working on being just friends. That there was a time period where she did not speak to him at all because she was working on her marriage and thought he should work on his. I did read texts like that too- like how amazing she thought I was and how much she liked me. How alike we were and how someday she hoped the 4 of us could be friends. So strange. But at the same horrifying time I can completely relate because when I had my �friend� I used to think and even tell him how much I hoped that the 4 of us could be friends�..

To sum up this extremely long post (I am so sorry), I learned that this started with this person last June. That prior to that they didn�t really know each other and were just coworkers but it took an outing for the teachers where they started talking. He started leaning on her more for advice about what to do with the job. Again, June was a terrible time for he and I and I feel like I pushed him right into her arms. Before long they were having friendly conversations via text that eventually turned into realizing that they were both having trouble with their mates but thought we were good people so they didn�t want to leave us. She has two small kids and a husband that doesn�t pay her much attention. She was getting it from mine. Although he texted her in front of me that night before he deleted her, saying they could never speak again and I knew everything, I decided to find and message her on face book. I let my husband know what I was doing as well. She confirmed the things he had said- no sex, only the kissing during that one week in July. That it began in June and that they didn�t mean for it to, that a million times he has said that we are so alike that she has always thought that the things he loves about me are the things he liked in her. She said she liked me and had hopes we could be friends but that she ruined all this- a truth she has known for a long time. She said that she had not had any feelings towards him besides friendship in many weeks and that they had stopped talking for a while because she was trying to get it to end. They had become best friends, and so she allowed texts and calls to still happen to try to preserve some sort of friendship only. They did not see each other at all since the time in July except for briefly at a party we went to and I was there, and then again at my house at the party a couple weeks ago. Her husband came to that too. I told her I would not tell her family- I did not want to hurt anyone else. She was extremely appreciative and for some crazy reason I understand- I guess because I�ve been there? I know what it�s like to feel that attention is not getting paid to you so even though you know it�s wrong, you send a photo of a dress you want to this �friend� who will tell you how beautiful you would be wearing it. She knows nothing about anything I have done, but I told her I forgive her because as a Christian that is what I am supposed to do but I will not forget. She needs to never contact me, him or my family and I will keep her secret- she has emphatically agreed and I really do not believe she would ever speak to my husband again.

That night when he was telling me all of this I told him of my mess up with my �friend�- he was almost catatonic on the floor telling me how he deserves the worst and that I should leave him, hate him, hit him anything I wanted he deserves it for what he has put me through and that basically he is the worst person on the planet. I had to come clean so I told him everything. He listened we cried. We ended up actually having sex right there�. It was surreal. He told me he wanted it to work with me and agreed to never speak to her again, never speak to any of his friends from that school again and to never pursue a career in that district. He would remove the lock from the phone, let me have access to everything. He told me he would not lie to me that while he loved me deeply, he had fallen in love with her too but he loves me more. He wants to be with me and knows there was never any real future with her. He said they just fell into it and he can�t even say why it happened except to say there are things we are not doing for each other that we should be. It was a terrible weekend. I could not sleep at all- we talked till 5am and then I tried to fitfully sleep. I would wake up and realize it�s not a dream and I would cry and cry and he would hold me telling me how sorry he was. He spent Sunday with me the same way, and I was in no shape to go to work on Monday so he stayed home to take care of me. After lots of long talks and a few set backs I was able to go to work yesterday and make it, though barely. We have started His Needs Her Needs on audiobook, when I got home last night he was calling to set up counseling for us, he has agreed to meet with my director and her husband to council us from my church tomorrow night and he has also agreed to join couples groups with me at my church on marriage. Last night was hard for him and I- he is very depressed. We have decided to not tell anyone. My director at church knows and so does my boss, who also happens to be one of my best friends of 14 years. She knows us both, is a Christian and has also been of great help to listen to me. But my husband has no one. He says it�s his price. And he did say that while he understands the way it has to be, he is depressed because he hurt me, because he ruined his chances at the school he loved to work, because he lost a best friend in her and because he can�t hang out with the people from that school anymore. I have told him I will quit my job to get away from my �friend� but he said it�s not a factor at all for him. That person is not even a blip on my radar and I don�t understand how I could have ever had feelings for him in the first place. He says that after 22 years of us being together and our love it weighs so much more than what he has to loose despite sadness.

My question is what now? Can we survive this? Is it normal for me obsess about this? Are we making the right moves? My husband is my BEST friend. I love him and I don't want to be without him- I want to try to find a way to truly forgive him so we can be happy and start a family. I feel like 22 years of my life is too long to throw away on one mistake that could have been even worse, when I made a similar mistake. I feel like I have been praying for discernment and clarity and then this was shown to me. I feel like I should partially think of this as a gift because I found out before it got worse.... Thoughts?

Hi, 1000,

It's hard to read through all of that until we know more about you. Can you give us the highlights? Just glancing through, it looks to me like you had an affair and are trying to forgive your husband - so I'm assuming he had an affair, too?

Who had affairs, and when and for how long?

I need the Reader's digest.

I think you both had affairs and financial problems related to his job?

My apologies... I had an emotional affair with a coworker a couple years ago who was a mutual friend of mine and my husband. I didn't realize what I was doing until it we were to the point of saying I love you, yet at the same time I didn't want to leave my husband. Looking back I realized it was for attention only and I ended it with the person completely. Now I am in the reverse boat... My husband has been having an emotional affair with a mutual friend and I just found out. They have sent texts and made calls, and kissed twice awhile ago and have been working toward breaking it off. Both of them don't want to leave their families just as my "friend" and I didn't want to leave ours. Maybe this post was far too long and too detailed for this place. I'm a Christian and I've begun reading the His Needs Her Needs with my husband and we are committed to going to the group at church. He has broken off all ties with this woman, but I am just looking for an outlet sort out my thoughts. I am sorry about the length of the post. I am just incredibly sad right now.

The book you need to be reading is "Surviving an Affair." Do you have a copy? If not, you can buy one on Amazon and download it to your computer today.

What on this list has been done? What is left to do?

This issue is compounded because while what I had with my coworker was caused because of not being given the attention I needed at home (I realize that so clearly after reading the Love Languages and personal growth within my church) that I was able to clearly see my wrongs and stop everything. Nothing ever became physical. My husband however has shared 2 kisses with this person. He has cut all ties with her at this time and says he is committed to making this work after 22 years of being together. He has agreed to therapy, reading the book and a discussion group at my church.

I am also a Christian, and there are a lot of Christians here that value the importance of marriage and fidelity. Through my ordeal, the most important thing I learned is that the �Truth� is more important than anything. The part where you told her and your husband that you would keep their affair a secret, is where you decided to help enable the continuation of their affair. The only way to fix this is to bring everything out into the light. If you cover this up then your marriage will never make it. You need to expose this affair to everyone important to you and your husband, and everyone important to the other woman. Her husband deserves to know the �Truth�. I also think that you need to expose your Emotional affair to the Betrayed wife of your �Friend�. She also deserves to know. If you truly want to �Heal�, and �Repent�, then you need to bring everything into the light.

No matter how you justify things, if you really want to save your Marriage, you need to follow the steps here on Marriage Builders, and the first and most important step to beginning the healing process, is �Exposure�. Your husband will give you a million reasons why that wouldn�t be a good idea, because deep down he wants to protect him and her.

Thank you for your responses!

As far as the checklist goes everything has been done on it on our own except changing our cell phone numbers, and neither of us wants to expose the affair to anyone other than we already have. The only people who know are my best friend/boss and the director at my church that is getting us help. He says he does not want to confide in anyone else because he does not want to disappoint anyone else or cause us more harm.

Have you seen Dr. Harley's video on infidelity?



Do you have Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair? (not His Needs Her Needs, not Love Languages)

Your affair was caused by your poor boundaries around men. Many women are neglected at home and do not have affairs.

Both of you have had horrible boundaries.

Bad Boundaries + Met Needs = Affair
Bad Boundaries + Unmet Needs = Affair
Good Boundaries + Met Needs = No Affair
Good Boundaries + Unmet Needs = No Affair

Your affair was not somehow better or in a different class than his.

Who is the woman he had an affair with - how does he know her? Does he still see or talk to her at all?

Do you still work with the coworker?

You need to change your contact info. One call (even if you don't answer) or one text will destroy any progress you make.


It's not a matter of what you want, but rather than what you need. Exposing the affairs will keep both of you accountable. It is also very therapeutic.

Do you have this book:
Surviving an Affair

$9.99 and you can have it today.

You are keep saying you are a Christian.the Bible is clear that exposing our sins to the light of day is what allows healing. Hiding our sins only encourages us to continue sinful deeds.

Check out Ephesians 5:11

"For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed." John 3:20

This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.

But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." ( John 3:19-21)

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11