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You could have gotten the Christmas Cards immediately upon her request to purchase them and invited her to go shopping for them with you.

Once you and her had the Cards at home, you two together could have looked up addresses and signed your personalized salutations Together, to your Friends and Family members.

You need to learn more about taking advantage of Plan A activities and JUMP at ANY opportunities as they present themselves.

Did you read through the, "Document, Document, Document" thread link that Brain Hurts posted for your benefit?

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Originally Posted By: typicalman
here is my plan A.. doesn't seem to be working so I've posted it for criticism / feedback

ll get you started:

TM's Plan A:
1) Become proficient at meeting WW's 3 most important ENs:
a. Family Commitment... home for dinner every night, time with children every night until they go to bed. Family activities every weekend. Allow wife to give the discipline, but just support her.
b. Conversation... greet wife every day when returning home. being available to talk after kids are in bed. Eye contact. validation.. nods, repeating, etc.. empathizing with her even if issues are trivial.
c. Open and honest... allowing her to go through my phone, disclosing where I go and what I do. Revealing my events of the day etc...
d. Admiration.. at least one or more compliments each day; leaving notes in the morning

2) Become proficient at controlling my 3 most common LBs:
a. Disrespect.. no name calling, no "you" statements, no always/never
b. AO's.. no yelling, time outs, deep breaths, no door slamming
c. Demands.. no complaining about house being clean, taking two cars to church
3) Remove these top 3 stressors that I can control (not the affair)
a. Getting exercise, sleep, and treating allergies
b. ____________
c. ____________

4) Take up these 2 healthy activities that I have wanted to but have never had the time/energy/permission to:
a. Teaching Religious Education____________
b. ____________

Offering time for UA, Dates, Dinners out with kids 1x/week

Once these goals have been populated, we can brainstorm HOW to achieve them.


Hi Typicalman,
looks like you have some good things on Plan A, and if you want to keep Plan A'ing up until you actually move to a Plan B, the I have a couple of pointers...

1) Do Plan A activities because you are in agreement that those are thing that a good husband does, and you want to be a good husband. Please do not do anything because you have certain expectations of a given response from your WW. You need to do these things without any associated expectations. It seems that you do have specific expectations which are rarely met, so you get upset/frustrated/demoralized. If you have no expectations, you cannot be disappointed.

2) Stop trying to get inside your WW's head. Stop trying to figure out what she is going to do or think. Execute your plan because it is the right thing to do. Build the habits that good husbands have because you will need those habits whether you stay married or get divorced and ever meet someone else. Accept that your WW will continue to be completely incomprehensible until she emerges from her fog, and manage your own self.

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Very good advice from WTW. I'm applying it to my situation as well!


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Sounds like a plan

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I just learned yesterday, my ww is dragging me to court today and I have to go. It's hard to be in plan A when you are being sued. I'll still ask her out to lunch or the movies after I suppose.

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What does your attorney say about this? Nobody gets dragged to court with 1 day notice.

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The date was always there... I petitioned the court to have the divorce thrown out... she still wanted it, so I just got an answer yesterday from the court that they still expect us to be there. My lawyer petitioned as well that we should not have to show up (doesn't seem to fit with plan A).. the court says that we have to be there.

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that is very strange behavior by the court. Keep us posted on this weird development.
Maybe you will learn something about her tactics/strategy, waywards are stupid and will often reveal all their plans when confronted by authority.

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I can give a more detailed post later about what happened. Basically, the lawyers said.. couple was trying to reconcile, but now they want to go forward with divorce and they will work out an agreement but they need more time. The judge extended us about 90 days to finalize a divorce. After, we went for a cup of coffee... I asked her to go to the movies again, and all she wanted to talk about was me giving her the kids most of the time and 1/2 the house. I basically just said no. She has continued to want to try to talk about it at home and she says that she is hurt that I am not giving her what she wants. I also suggested that we do this through the lawyers instead, but she doesn't want to.

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If you don't want a divorce, then do nothing to help her.
At the same time you need to be ready to play hard ball using your attorney, she is trying to manipulate you. Remember when we said to DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT.

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Originally Posted By: NebDane
If you don't want a divorce, then do nothing to help her.
At the same time you need to be ready to play hard ball using your attorney, she is trying to manipulate you. Remember when we said to DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT.



Basically, my strategy has been to turn over the information she is giving me to the attorney and asking her to play hardball with the other attorney... I absolutely will refuse to get drawn into an argument with my WW.

I was thinking about the plan B that Dr Harley suggested... he said get divorced, then try to date her. Do I do that, or prepare to go completely dark?

Also, I think her motivation for divorce right now can only be one of two things #1 she plans to move the OM here #2 She has inheritance comming. .

That said, I don't know if u should run road block on this divorce or help it along so I can execute Dr Harley 's plan???

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Use the inheritance as a lever if you go the divorce route.

What plan you go with is your call, I would plan A for now and do it correctly. You have nothing to loose except swallowing some pride in the short term.

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Originally Posted By: NebDane
Use the inheritance as a lever if you go the divorce route.

What plan you go with is your call, I would plan A for now and do it correctly. You have nothing to loose except swallowing some pride in the short term.


How do I use the inheritance to my advantage? The grandma hasn't even passed away yet, but he is about 100.

I keep asking her to do something, anything, even small things and she says "why do I want to do that with you... WE are getting divorced... we don't want to do things with each other " I just say, I don't want a divorce... if you are divorcing me, I can't stop you... but it's immoral and wrong and I don't want anything to do with it... lets go for a walk"...

At this point, her mind is so set on this divorce. I was thinking of Dr Harley's advice.. to just divorce her, but I know, after that, I'll never want her back again.

Today, she actually said.. if you want to do something together so bad, why don't we get you set up on a dating site? I said that would be morally wrong.. it's adultery, and I would never do that.

Help... I need a plan. What should I say to her?

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Originally Posted By: typicalman
I was thinking of Dr Harley's advice.. to just divorce her


I agree with this advice in your situation.

Quote:
but I know, after that, I'll never want her back again.


Did you ever think you would Plan A a woman who has put you through the ringer? You don't know for sure you would never want her back...maybe you wouldn't, maybe you would but your wife is already gone and is damaging/using your children.

I live in TX. That a judge didn't have you return the children after she ran off with them says a lot and was a big plus in your favor. You were in a great position to seek sole or at least primary custody. I know finances are not the #1 issue here but you also risk having to pay her spousal support for years if the divorce gets called off and then things don't improve only with D to be filed again. You will then meet the 10 yr requirement.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted By: typicalman
Today, she actually said.. if you want to do something together so bad, why don't we get you set up on a dating site? I said that would be morally wrong.. it's adultery, and I would never do that.

Help... I need a plan. What should I say to her?


What you said in response to her suggesting setting up an online dating profile was good. She is trying to even the playing field with you and also push your buttons. When she does that responding with something simple is fine. You can then change the subject to something else and if she continues to push the issue then disengage and leave her alone.


Last edited by black_raven; 01/09/16 09:19 PM.

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted By: typicalman
.

Today, she actually said.. if you want to do something together so bad, why don't we get you set up on a dating site? I said that would be morally wrong.. it's adultery, and I would never do that.


Nice response!

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I agree it was a great response about setting up a dating site, but maybe not the best response to her statement about divorce. If you are hammering her over the head about her plans being immoral you are probably lovebusting her.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
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Originally Posted By: axslinger85
I agree it was a great response about setting up a dating site, but maybe not the best response to her statement about divorce. If you are hammering her over the head about her plans being immoral you are probably lovebusting her.


Yes, you are right. I am making a Judgement about Divorce. It is morally wrong and I won't fall into her trap and "go in it with her" as if it is something we are doing together.

I won't renounce my convictions and morals in the name of not love busting. That is the line I won't cross.

There are things we are just not going to see eye to eye on here... so to avoid the love busters (or the fight) I have been simply using a "one liner" to end the conversation, and ask about something else.

The real question I have now is... if she divorces me; do I plan for a dark plan B or do I plan to try to date her still?

Dr Harley suggested that I try to date her... But I was thinking "cold, dark, plan B" so she knows what divorce is like.

I spent the greater part of yesterday rebuilding the hydo-boost in the truck that she is driving. Anyone who knows what that is would know that it's about a $900 job in a shop. Her response was not to say thank you... but she said... you probably just pretended to fix the truck so you could take my parking spot. She has no appreciation for anything I do and she will continue to take advantage of me after divorce. I think she should experience the real world for a while... what do you think?

Last edited by typicalman; 01/10/16 09:01 AM.
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Originally Posted By: typicalman
She has no appreciation for anything I do and she will continue to take advantage of me after divorce. I think she should experience the real world for a while... what do you think?


Do you want her to come back as an act of desperation or do you want her to come back because she is in love with you?


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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Plan B would feel great for you. You've mentioned talking about concerns with the kids when you spoke with Dr. Harley, though. Basically, you are body-blocking other men. I suspect your wife will quickly have a new man after the divorce.

Email Dr. Harley.

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