Hello everyone, I would really appreciate any input on my situation. My husband was involved in a several month affair with another woman while being deployed overseas and the woman could be pregnant. We have been married for more than a decade and this is the first time he has cheated although he has been on several deployments already. I suspected he was cheating and I pressed him for information and he confessed about the affair. Ever since I found out, my husband told his affair partner that I know everything and they stopped communicating. The other woman knew he was married throughout the affair but they continued to meet. After having unprotected sex, my husband told her to take a pill but she told him later she had not. She told him he should not feel any obligation for the child if she were pregnant. Right now he is not sure if she is pregnant or not. He is trying to get a hold of her but she is not replying. The problem is when she finds out she might not even tell him. She is foreign so she will not be coming back to the US. My husband is coming back from deployment in a month. He is stationed in a different state and he is expecting me to drive there to bring some necessities for him. Honestly, I do not feel like I should do that as he does not deserve it. For the past two years, one of which is his deployment, we have been separated because we live and work in different stated but we usually see each other at least every two months when he is not deployed. I am not sure what too do. He says she makes him feel like she is the most important thing to him and that he never felt this way about me so he thinks that I might be better off without him. Up to this deployment he has always believed in us and never questioned being married to me. Thanks for any input.

[quote=BrainHurts]
Welcome to MB and I'm sorry for your pain.

Is the OW married or in a relationship?

Who have you exposed this to?

She is not married. I have told a couple of my friends. No one else. I was thinking about telling my husband's family and his best friend.

I told his mom, and I will tell my family. He has only one close friend so I don't have anyone else to expose this to. His friend also cheated on his wife with kids so how likely is it that he will help? I cannot do anything about the other woman's side because I do not know anything about her.

Yes, I did read the thread but I do not think I should expose it to the military. In this website, I read somewhere that typically exposure at the workplace is not recommended.

Melody, here goes on the exposure part with military members.

If one or both of the infidels are members of the military, you have a GREAT asset! Why? Because it is against the law to commit adultery. And their command can and will order them to cease and desist...and me even punish them!

How do you do this? Well, each service is a little different. So, you will need to figure out which service they are a part of and then search out the corresponding agency that handles it. In the Army (and the Air Force), they have an Inspector General. The Navy/Marines should also.

The reason I say go to the IG, rather than the commander of the person's unit, is that many times, the commander might like the servicemember (SM) so they might just sweep it under the rug. That you do NOT want to happen! So, with the IG, they will go to the commander, tell him that they have this complaint...and the commander will conduct an investigation. The IG will oversee this, making sure that the commander does the right thing...and if a violation is found, that the appropriate actions/punishment happen. It will NOT be swept under the rug!

At the same time, even if ABSOLUTE proof is not found, at the very least, that commander is going order the SM to not contact your spouse...because the IG is hanging over their head. He/she will just tell them that even if nothing is going on, they are ordered not to make any more contact to make SURE nothing will go on!

So, as I said, the IG is the place to go.

When you call the IG, make sure you have at least the SM's name, his/her rank and unit, if you can get it. If you need help, ask someone you know that knows military rank and unit patches, and have them look at Facebook pictures or describe to them what their uniform looks like. Tell the IG everything you know. There are privacy protections...so you can give them info in confidence (one note: any information that directly implicates someone in an illegal act is not covered by privacy protections. Please understand that an IG is a Federal investigator!).

The IG will be adept at receiving these kinds of complaints, so will have additional questions for you. Answer them completely. If you dont know the answer, tell them you dont know. Or if you can get the answer, ask them if you should and get back to them.

Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...an IG is a Federal investigator. Which means, if you lie to them...there is jailtime and a huge fine. So dont do it! Tell them nothing but facts!!

At the end of the interview, the IG will advise you that they will pursue this...but they will not be able, sue to privacy rights, to let you know what the results of the investigation are. But you wont need them!!

Why? Because when that SM immediately stops contacting your spouse or contacts your spose and tells them they have been ordered not to see them anymore...then things will go nuclear. But that is the beauty of exposure. But unlike exposure in the civilian world, after exposure with a military member involved...well, no contact will be implemented immediately.

How do we know? Because if the SM is ordered not to see your spouse, and they do...then they have disobeyed a direct order. Then you call the IG, tell them contact continues. And there is almost nothing worse in the military than disobeying a direct order!! There WILL be criminal charges then!

So, do you research. Find out what unit they are in...or at least what post/base they are from. Then contact the unit of base/post IG. Do this at the same time that you do your exposure elsewhere (family, friends, etc).

Note: I wish that in the civilian world, there should be laws just like the military has.

Yes, I did read the thread but I do not think I should expose it to the military. In this website, I read somewhere that typically exposure at the workplace is not recommended.

Right now he is not sure if she is pregnant or not. He is trying to get a hold of her but she is not replying. The problem is when she finds out she might not even tell him.

My husband was involved in a several month affair with another woman while being deployed overseas and the woman could be pregnant. We have been married for more than a decade and this is the first time he has cheated although he has been on several deployments already. I suspected he was cheating and I pressed him for information and he confessed about the affair. Ever since I found out, my husband told his affair partner that I know everything and they stopped communicating. The other woman knew he was married throughout the affair but they continued to meet. After having unprotected sex, my husband told her to take a pill but she told him later she had not. She told him he should not feel any obligation for the child if she were pregnant. Right now he is not sure if she is pregnant or not. He is trying to get a hold of her but she is not replying. The problem is when she finds out she might not even tell him. She is foreign so she will not be coming back to the US. My husband is coming back from deployment in a month.

That is not a problem. The problem here is that he is still chasing his affair partner. He should change his contact information so she can never reach him.

needinput, I just read your post and there are many, many problems here. The most critical problem is that you don't live together. You can't possibly sustain a marriage that way and you will never recover unless you can live together 24/7. Can you remedy that situation?

Secondly, he should commit to never communicating with the OW again. Will he do this? If not, you should plan to separate from him.

You have so many obstacles here that it is hard to know where to begin. But the first steps have to be that he never communicates with the OW again and that he finds a way to move back home.

Exposure to the military is one of the steps that might help you the most. Typically, when the military gets involved, they will help the marriage and ensure the affair ends. You have so much going against you that you really need their help.

Do you have children?

That is not a problem. The problem here is that he is still chasing his affair partner. He should change his contact information so she can never reach him.

needinput, I just read your post and there are many, many problems here. The most critical problem is that you don't live together. You can't possibly sustain a marriage that way and you will never recover unless you can live together 24/7. Can you remedy that situation?

Secondly, he should commit to never communicating with the OW again. Will he do this? If not, you should plan to separate from him.

You have so many obstacles here that it is hard to know where to begin. But the first steps have to be that he never communicates with the OW again and that he finds a way to move back home.

Exposure to the military is one of the steps that might help you the most. Typically, when the military gets involved, they will help the marriage and ensure the affair ends. You have so much going against you that you really need their help.

You and your husband should cease discussion of this possible child.

Do not question this woman about it again.

If your husband pursues this and brings about a situation in which his paternity is established, your marriage will be over.