Okay - but you have missed my point.

HE should not raise this issue with her (quite apart from the fact that he should not be in contact with her - but we know that he is).

He must shut the door on any further discussion of his paternity, because if paternity is established, your marriage is over. It might take a while to die, but when OW insists on the right of her child to have a father, and when he decides to "do the right thing" and be that father, while insisting to you that he only interacts with the child and not her, he will still be in a relationship with her, and his relationship with her is an affair.

If she forces a paternity action on him (if she can do that from abroad), he should only comply with a court order for any paternity test, and after that, with a court order for child support. He must not do anything on a voluntary basis. He must never see the child if he wants to stay married to you (and you to him).

I suspect that they are in contact and she is still telling him he is the father of her child. You need to find out who she is and how they are contacting each other - and you won't do that by asking him. Please be smart about this.

If you don't find out who she is and put a stop to their contact, you will wake up one day and find that he has left you for his OW and child. You do not have any children. That makes you more at risk of his leaving you.

You report it to the IG. They will make him end contact.

The military will make sure his affair ends and they can help you put back together your marriage. Often, they will give the cheater an early out or help them reconcile with their spouse.

You are not ever going to be able to recover your marriage if you don't live together. You need to accept that reality and suggest that he either leaves the military or finds a way to be together every day.

No, you should not wait.

When you say "early out" what do you mean? His contract ends in less than 2 years and he is planning to get out.

It would be impossible for me to find out who she is. He told me how they communicate - using a messenger and he told me which one - but it would be impossible for me to find out who she is because there are so many users. I do not know his passwords or even usernames.

Have you checked online phone records?

What I mean is that the military authorties might let him out early to go home and save his marriage. But they need to know what is going on from you.

You can ask your husband for her name. Additionally, the military can find out by chekcing his email and his cell records.

I have asked him about her name and he does not tell me. He told me knowing any information about her serves no purpose and there is no reason why I should know. If I proceed with the military, how fast can something be done, do you have any idea?

So he is protecting his mistress at your expense. You should not accept that.


In our experience, it usually happens pretty fast.

You have a right to know everything about her since this affects your life. For him to withhold this vital information is cruel and manipulative. He doesn't want to tell you because his affair is still active and he wants to protect his OW.

He got another phone overseas so I have no access to phone records.

I know I do have the right to know and that's what I keep telling him. He has disclosed to me affair details such as where she is from, how long they have seen each other, where they used to see each other, even what messenger they are using to talk, but when I ask him for her email or name or where she works he refuses to tell me.

The IG can find out and tell you. Like I said, your husbands affair is active and he is protecting his OW. But when the military investigates they can find out.

Also, I would not see him again unless he gives you all the facts. One of the first steps of recovery is telling you the truth. Since he refuses to do that, you won't recover anyway. You can't save a marriage based on a lie.

My husband said he is still in contact with her through media at this point because soldiers are not allowed to get out of the base. He told me they have talked twice for the past one week since I found out he had an affair. He said he has to find out whether she is pregnant or not. She is not telling him at this point. I demanded that he stops any communication with her and not to even talk about the pregnancy with her. He said that he has to know whether she is pregnant or not to have a piece of mind. He said he might have to see her and ask her to take a pregnancy test to confirm if she is pregnant because this is very important to him. He found out that I have told his mom, best friend, and my friends about the affair and got mad.

It is imperative that you report all this to the IG and all of your friends and family. [who don't know] Once you do that, you should plan on separating from him completely and going into a dark Plan B.

You also need to quickly read Surviving an Affair so you can understand the plans. You can download it on your computer from amazon.

Should they contact him so he is made aware that they know or should I just let him know that I have told them? He know of some people that know about his affair but not all - for example, he does not know that my family knows. Should my family contact him?

YEs, that would be a great idea for your family and friends to contact him directly. Please read through the exposure thread in my signature so you can explain this correctly to your friends and family.

HOWEVER, the most important step is for you to expose this affair to the military so they can stop it. When you do this, I would ask them to release your husband early so he can come home and work on your marriage. Where do you stand there?