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You can also speak to the local chaplain and ask for his guidance. They need to know that your husband is still lying to you about the identity of the OW. You need to know her name and everything.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He initially used to call, after I found out about the affair he stopped calling and now is rarely emailing. This makes me mad, he should be the one trying to fix his mess. It seems to me that he is willingly letting things get worse.
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He initially used to call, after I found out about the affair he stopped calling and now is rarely emailing. This makes me mad, he should be the one trying to fix his mess. It seems to me that he is willingly letting things get worse. Can you please respond to my posts?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He is back from deployment. He is still communicating with the AP. He is planning to divorce me and is taking actions to separate accounts and bills. He has told his AP that he will be marrying her. He said he wants to be with her and will not stop communicating with her. Do I need to pay anything for reporting to the IG? Would such action cause my WS to continue with the divorce? How can I make this thread available to members only so it is not available through online search?
Last edited by needinput; 02/18/16 09:53 PM.
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He is back from deployment. He is still communicating with the AP. He is planning to divorce me and is taking actions to separate accounts and bills. He has told his AP that he will be marrying her. He said he wants to be with her and will not stop communicating with her. Do I need to pay anything for reporting to the IG? Would such action cause my WS to continue with the divorce? How can I make this thread available to members only so it is not available through online search? No it doesn't cost anything. Melody, here goes on the exposure part with military members.
If one or both of the infidels are members of the military, you have a GREAT asset! Why? Because it is against the law to commit adultery. And their command can and will order them to cease and desist...and me even punish them!
How do you do this? Well, each service is a little different. So, you will need to figure out which service they are a part of and then search out the corresponding agency that handles it. In the Army (and the Air Force), they have an Inspector General. The Navy/Marines should also.
The reason I say go to the IG, rather than the commander of the person's unit, is that many times, the commander might like the servicemember (SM) so they might just sweep it under the rug. That you do NOT want to happen! So, with the IG, they will go to the commander, tell him that they have this complaint...and the commander will conduct an investigation. The IG will oversee this, making sure that the commander does the right thing...and if a violation is found, that the appropriate actions/punishment happen. It will NOT be swept under the rug!
At the same time, even if ABSOLUTE proof is not found, at the very least, that commander is going order the SM to not contact your spouse...because the IG is hanging over their head. He/she will just tell them that even if nothing is going on, they are ordered not to make any more contact to make SURE nothing will go on!
So, as I said, the IG is the place to go.
When you call the IG, make sure you have at least the SM's name, his/her rank and unit, if you can get it. If you need help, ask someone you know that knows military rank and unit patches, and have them look at Facebook pictures or describe to them what their uniform looks like. Tell the IG everything you know. There are privacy protections...so you can give them info in confidence (one note: any information that directly implicates someone in an illegal act is not covered by privacy protections. Please understand that an IG is a Federal investigator!).
The IG will be adept at receiving these kinds of complaints, so will have additional questions for you. Answer them completely. If you dont know the answer, tell them you dont know. Or if you can get the answer, ask them if you should and get back to them.
Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...an IG is a Federal investigator. Which means, if you lie to them...there is jailtime and a huge fine. So dont do it! Tell them nothing but facts!!
At the end of the interview, the IG will advise you that they will pursue this...but they will not be able, sue to privacy rights, to let you know what the results of the investigation are. But you wont need them!!
Why? Because when that SM immediately stops contacting your spouse or contacts your spose and tells them they have been ordered not to see them anymore...then things will go nuclear. But that is the beauty of exposure. But unlike exposure in the civilian world, after exposure with a military member involved...well, no contact will be implemented immediately.
How do we know? Because if the SM is ordered not to see your spouse, and they do...then they have disobeyed a direct order. Then you call the IG, tell them contact continues. And there is almost nothing worse in the military than disobeying a direct order!! There WILL be criminal charges then!
So, do you research. Find out what unit they are in...or at least what post/base they are from. Then contact the unit of base/post IG. Do this at the same time that you do your exposure elsewhere (family, friends, etc).
Note: I wish that in the civilian world, there should be laws just like the military has When will you be exposing?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Would such action cause my WS to continue with the divorce? Your actions of keeping his secret is leading to a divorce. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret has led you to this bad place. We gave you the advice to expose the affair. Did you take it? If you don't take the advice, there is really nothing we can do. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have exposed the affair to family members and friends a month ago as soon as I found out. Also, people in his military unit know that he cheated. His roommate is trying to talk sense to him. The only thing I have not done is call the IG. My actions are not leading to a divorce, his actions are.
In the thread you posted, it says that even if absolute proof is not found the commander will stop further contact. I doubt that. No one will be checking his emails or text messages to make sure he is not communicating with her. This is in violation of his privacy. He can easily communicate with her once he gets off work. She is not a military member and is not even in the US.
Last edited by needinput; 02/19/16 10:04 AM.
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There is not much we can do if you won't expose to the IG. Is there a reason why you havent done this? Its hard to help someone when they don't follow the advice.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Also, people in his military unit know that he cheated. Who cares? None of his peers have authority to stop the affair. In order to be impactful, the affair needs to be exposed to the IG. You have a very small chance to save this so I am not understanding why you would pass up such a good opportunity? You can't afford to skip steps.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The only thing I have not done is call the IG. My actions are not leading to a divorce, his actions are. I disagree. Keeping it a secret from the military authorities has greatly impeded your chances of saving this. You became an accessory to the crime by helping him hide it from military authorties. They could have stepped in and stopped this. Telling his peers was worthless because they cannot stop him. The IG could stop him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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From one military wife to another, YES, YOU NOT TELLING HIS SUPERVISORS IS LEADING TO THIS. Exposure to my husband's supervisors was my single HUGEST weapon in killing my husbands affair. We are 2 years into the recovery process and doing amazing. Exposure to his supervisors and IG is HUGE.
BW-27
FWH-31
DS-6
Married several years
D-Day- 11/22/13
Plan A+Exposure
NC+Beginning of Recovery-04/2014
In Recovery and happier and more in love than ever
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Woundednotbroken, would you please send me a link to your thread. I would like to get familiar with your situation.
Also, MelodyLane could you please send me a link to your thread?
The reason I have not exposed to the IG is because I thought that this will not be so effective. Ok, they can monitor his military emails but when he gets off work who will monitor his personal cell phone calls, messages, and email. I really do not get it. How will he be forced to have no contact? I mean the military has to invade his privacy. I really need more specific information to understand how this exposure to the IG works.
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Also, the fact that he is stationed in a different state and we cannot see each other a minimum of 15-20 hour each week can possibly hinder the recovery process (but the way I see it is it can help with plan B).
Update: He is back from deployment. He is stationed in another state. He told me he will be coming to see me soon and he will be separating accounts and bills, put my name on the car title and remove his name. He told me that he loves me and I am important to him and wants to have me in his life but he wants to be with the AP and marry her and therefore divorce me. He said he wants to make sure I am taken care of before he divorces. He thinks I have a lot going on for me, that I deserve better than him, and expects me to accept his decision. Btw, she is involved with prostitution and already has a child with someone else and the child lives with her parents in her country. She lives overseas. He told me that he feels that he need to help her. He also said that he can have an easier marriage with me and his marriage to her will be much harder but nonetheless he wants to be with her. He said I am a good wife, an amazing woman, but he likes her personality and he thinks we married young and now that he is older he realizes what he wants in a person. He also said that I am a stronger person than her and that I will be able to handle this situation much better. Is this just talk coming from a wayward spouse in affair fog or is there something else in addition to it? He has always told me that he loves me, he is lucky to have me, never talked about divorce and many people have told me in the past that they could see it in his actions how much he loves me.
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Woundednotbroken, would you please send me a link to your thread. I would like to get familiar with your situation.
Also, MelodyLane could you please send me a link to your thread? I don't have a thread, but you can click on my link and go back and read all my posts. However, that time would be better spent following the program and taking steps to save your marriage. Did you want to try and do that? The reason I have not exposed to the IG is because I thought that this will not be so effective. Ok, they can monitor his military emails but when he gets off work who will monitor his personal cell phone calls, messages, and email. I really do not get it. How will he be forced to have no contact? I mean the military has to invade his privacy. I really need more specific information to understand how this exposure to the IG works. The military will ORDER him to end his affair and they will monitor his contacts. So, you need to get this done PRONTO.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Let us know when you have completed this exposure and we can help you with next steps.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The reason I have not exposed to the IG is because I thought that this will not be so effective. Ok, they can monitor his military emails but when he gets off work who will monitor his personal cell phone calls, messages, and email. I really do not get it. How will he be forced to have no contact? I mean the military has to invade his privacy. I really need more specific information to understand how this exposure to the IG works. You know that reporting to the IG will be effective. You fear it will be too effective - that he will suffer repercussions that go beyond the limited ones you want, and cause you problems as well. You figure this can be handled "in the family". Right? Well, it won't work, and you are making yourself an accessory to the crime against his employer.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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I have been reading about plan A and plan B. Since my husband is stationed in a different state and talking about a divorce a week after coming back from deployment, I am not sure I can even implement plan A. It is definitely easier to implement plan B but I have read that I should implement it after following plan A for awhile (6 months or so). What is your suggestion?
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I have been reading about plan A and plan B. Since my husband is stationed in a different state and talking about a divorce a week after coming back from deployment, I am not sure I can even implement plan A. It is definitely easier to implement plan B but I have read that I should implement it after following plan A for awhile (6 months or so). What is your suggestion? No that is for BHs. BWs should only do Plan A for 3 weeks max and then go to Plan B. When will you be exposing to the IG?? That should be your priority. Have you exposed to OW's side yet?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I have been reading about plan A and plan B. Since my husband is stationed in a different state and talking about a divorce a week after coming back from deployment, I am not sure I can even implement plan A. It is definitely easier to implement plan B but I have read that I should implement it after following plan A for awhile (6 months or so). What is your suggestion? Our suggestion is to EXPOSE the affair. THAT is Plan A.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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