I'll first say that there was bad behavior by all parties, including myself.

His job made my life miserable... It was extremely low-paying and for 3.5 years, the company he worked for didn't even give him, or anyone, a single raise. He worked a ton of overtime, and was never home. But at such a low wage, the law of diminishing returns kicks in quick... you start bleeding that money out in other ways... going out to dinner because you're just too tired to cook (him from working so much, me from the kids)... and the A/C goes and you don't have enough money to fix it, so you buy window units and then you have HUGE ($650 a month) electric bills...

For a year and a half before this, he worked 1 month here, 2 months there and 3 months driving a cab (money and hours just as bad) so I do understand how that year and a half out of work, and the loss of his EMT license because we couldn't afford to renew it made him feel like "If you have a job you keep it... no matter what." But he also complained to me on a daily basis how much he hated that job. I pushed and prodded and pulled to get him to 'move forward,' but it was all in vain...

I had my own business, but because it was 'feast or famine,' he took the 'steady' job, and with all that OT, two kids, and one car, I couldn't get a job and was limited on what I could do for my business too.

I felt trapped in the house... he had other, better job opportunities fall into his lap, and he just ignored them.

I felt like our family and our future didn't matter to him at all...

I called him at work, all the time, screaming at him, because the kids and all the stress were driving me crazy.

Two and a half years in, he was offered another job that had 'school hours,' and his boss begged him to stay, promising to work with his schedule... he finally got a decent, set schedule, my income went up, and he obviously resented it(I only recently discovered). So he started engaging in an emotional affair with a woman who was hired to work there. Highly inappropriate text messages and Facebook messages. Her telling him, "I don't fool around with married men," but she continued to 'flirt' with him and started singing a song in his ear about "Oh, poor you, all the guys at work say if they had Shane's home life, they'd be grumpy all the time too."

When I found out, I confronted both of them and he told me he was choosing the kids and me.

He was then up for a promotion and told that he didn't get it because of his 'availability' and then later told that it was because I'd blogged about his job and what a terrible company they were to work for.

Shortly after that, she was promoted and became his boss.

A year later I found that he was still sending her highly inappropriate text messages and Facebook private messages.

We had a huge fight, I confronted her, and she threatened him, saying that "this drama causing behavior would affect her decision in any future promotions." [Textbook sexual harassment. I threatened to get them both fired].

He continued to insist that he loved me

A month later, she and the assistant manager both encouraged him to apply for another promotion, which would have him working directly with her, very long hours... I said "No." It was too much temptation.

He told me I had no right to a 'say' in it... and he took the job.

Immediately, he started working 14-16 hour days, coming home 3-4 hours late every night. I started calling him all day again, yelling at him that this was ridiculous for him to be working so much, that it wasn't fair to the kids and me. He blamed it on being understaffed and on the staff he did have being 'incompetent.' They called 'constantly,'for one problem or another. He was having to go 'grocery shopping' at 10pm-midnight, being out until 3:30 in the morning.

Then one day, he told me, "I think the marriage was over for me 2.5 years ago, I just hadn't accepted it yet."

Well that certainly was a convenient 'workaround' the entire year and a half that he was 'communicating' with this woman, refusing to cut ties, and taking that job... in fact, at one point, he even told me that he thinks he took the job because he knew it would end the marriage.

He said he would stay until February, when we got our tax return... but when I offered to go sleep on the couch, he told me, "I know you don't like sleeping in the bed alone without me, and I don't like sleeping in the bed alone without you."

Over the course of the next two months, he said "He didn't like himself with me. That he was afraid of himself with me. That he wanted to punch me in the face. That 'everyone' told him that if the person you're with is making you want to raise your hands to them then you shouldn't be with them... Then it was he didn't like me, didn't like who I was, didn't like my politics, didn't like the way I handle money, didn't like the way I feel about cops and the military, didn't like my parenting, and hadn't been happy with our sex life in a long time..."

He complained that my phone calls and my blogging about his company put his job in jeopardy, that I jeopardized his 'career.' (A job that hired him at $8.50 an hour, in 3.5 years, he didn't get a single raise and that abused him and our family with unreasonable scheduling demands...)

He said he didn't want to 'try.' Then he said he just wanted a separation.

I did manage to get him to marriage counseling and this horrible counselor just 'dismissed' all these mixed signals... he told her, "I don't want to try. I don't like her. I don't like who she is."

All she had to say was "Well, that's pretty clear."

When I mentioned how he said he didn't want to sleep in the bed without me, she ignored the opportunity to discuss that 'mixed signal/mixed emotion' and just said "Well it takes two, and I can't make him do anything...' Excuse me? You're supposed to be a counselor, you're supposed to offer 'insight,' and any idiot would have seen that opportunity to 'draw him out,' based on that alone...

When she asked him why he fell in love with me in the first place, he said he couldn't remember, "The best I could tell you is that they needed me."

When I told her what he said about wanting to punch me in the face, she asked him "Do you have anger issues?" and he said no. Ummm... what did you expect him to say?

Shortly after our first session, he went out one night and stayed out until 5am. Shortly after that night, we had a fight about his 'whore' of a boss, and he said "I'm not even talking to the whore anymore, I'm talking to someone else now." He told me her name was Erica and he met her in a bar that night he stayed out all night.

A few weeks later he brought her up, saying he was pretty sure she was interested in him, and then he told me, "But she's a black girl and I don't date black girls."

At one point, he told me he would make an 'honest effort,' then within 6 days, he did a complete 180... when I questioned him about this at the next counseling session, he said "I realized I was lying to myself." She never bothered to say, "Well if you can't tell when you're lying to yourself, how do you know you aren't now? You're obviously dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions and my suggestion is to maybe step back, take some time and think, keep coming to counseling, before you make any big decisions."

At one point, he told me he would have been happier with Liz, his boss.

One night, I tried to give him what he wanted sexually and afterwards, he told me that he felt no emotional connection to me.

Another night, I tried again, and he allowed me to 'meet his needs,' but wouldn't 'connect with ME' in any way, and told me, "I just want to degrade you." When I asked 'Why?' He said "It's the only way I can have sex without an emotional connection... (I would think that suggests that you have emotions and you're just trying to fight them, no doubt out of guilt about what you're doing with the other women).

Then another night he told me, "You know what turns me on, I'm not going to stop you because it feels good, but I can't reciprocate. I'm not there yet and I'm afraid that by the time I am, you won't be anymore."

A couple of months later he would tell me, "I stopped cuddling with you because I didn't want to touch you."

*During this time, he did make some teeny tiny efforts that I did sincerely appreciate, but they were always immediately followed by him doing something atrocious, like going out and staying out all night, or going out two nights before Christmas when we had only one present under the tree, claiming he was going to play cards and I would later find out that he was out with either Erica or his boss and her 'aunt' (who I would later be told is also "Erica's" aunt...)

We also had to buy a new vehicle in December, and the day we bought it, he told me he'd already been written up at work twice, once for bullying the staff, but "Liz" was 'fighting for him' because "She knows I just need to get my head straight about my home life."

I had NO ONE in MY corner, saying to him, "You're job isn't suffering because of your home life, your home life is suffering because of your job and you working with that woman is killing your marriage because your wife feels extremely insecure, as any woman would."

He wound up leaving two days after Christmas, when he'd come home from a 12 hour day at 10pm, while our youngest son and I had 104 degree fevers and didn't even ask how we were doing, instead just demanded the keys to the truck because he 'had to take care of something'... when I pressed 'what?' He said "I have to go do the grocery shopping for work." I told him that I was not staying home sick with the kids, and one of them sick, with no car, while he stayed out until all hours of the night with his whore...

That was the night he left. I saw him twice after that, in a car he allegedly 'borrowed'... and after about three weeks, I finally got the courage to drive by his boss's house and sure enough, there was that car in her front yard.

I confronted her... and she LIED to me. Told me that was her aunt's car and 'maybe' he borrowed it from her those two nights because they know each other after she had him, my husband, pick her up from the hospital. Why was this woman having MY husband pick her aunt up from the hospital? Then she told me that 'the staff' told her that he had a girlfriend named Erica.

Later that night, I got a call from some woman claiming to be Liz and Erica's aunt, telling me that Liz and Erica were cousins, that my husband and Erica were sleeping together and that Erica is a stripper, and has all kinds of money (but no car, because she's saving her money to buy a Mercedes), and weighs 98lbs. (My husband doesn't like skinny girls, he's afraid he'll break them.) Oh... and now Erica was not black, but white... but they have 'black in their family.'

For two days this woman pretended to be 'on my side', telling me she doesn't like my husband, that he's slow in the head, that he's lazy and that she wants him out of her house, but won't throw him out because she want's it to be "Erica's" decision...

And then she started saying things like he bought her earrings, and when I told her that I missed the man who used to say "Hi Beautiful" to me every morning, she made it a point to tell me that he said that to "Erica" every day... I was onto her game pretty quick.

At the end of those two days, I got a call from my mother telling me that he'd just called her and told her that he was shutting everything off here (electric, water, my cell phone, and taking 'his' tag off our truck.)

I responded to him that he had some nerve, considering that in 6 years of marriage he never bought me a single piece of jewelry but here he was spending the bill money buying this tramp earrings...

Then I got a call from the aunt again, telling me I had just screwed myself and now I'd get nothing...

That night, she called me at 4:30am and hung up.

*She's too ignorant to even know how to mark her number private, or too belligerent to care to.

The next morning, I woke up and my cell phone was turned off. I had to turn it on in my own name. At 10 am, this witch called it and said "Oh, you're phone is still on? Well it'll be off today. You have 30 days on the electric." Like this trailer park white trash witch was the 'judge' in my divorce case... She called again at 4:30 am in the morning, and hung up as soon as I picked up,

My husband is now surrounded by people who think it's acceptable for a married man to cheat on his wife, leave the kids he raised as his own for 6 years, who call him "Daddy", and just behave like your average Jerry Springer guest (when what he needs is a good dose of Dr. Phil).

Everything else aside this man chose to put ONE Christmas gift under the tree for our kids so he could go out with this tramp, and left us when we had a nasty flu and fevers at 104 F.

No one with any ethics or morals would condone that, or would make 'excuses' for it. But these people (including his own mother who abandoned him to an abusive father who then put him and his twin brother and sister into foster care) are all telling him that it's ok to do these things because I was such a mean wife who wouldn't let him have any 'space.'

HE "CHOSE" to work 70,80, and 90 hours a week for money that never once justified the amount of time we lost with him. For all that overtime he worked, we barely survived financially, always robbing Peter to pay Paul, always 2 months behind on every bill... and never having time to just BE a 'family.'

And then one day he said "I don't want the responsibility".

And with the example of a parent he has in his mother, it's no wonder he thinks a family is something you can just 'abandon' if you decide one day that you just don't want the responsibility of it anymore.

The last time I saw him was about two weeks ago, when he told me that he wanted $1,500 out of the tax return to keep my power on in his name for a week (he'd already ordered it disconnected.)

That day, he told me he was in a relationship with "Erica" (and now she's a black girl again) and she is a 98lb stripper. When I mentioned that he doesn't like skinny girls because he's afraid he'll break them, he said "Well I've lost 100lbs, I'm not afraid anymore and she's really flexible."

I don't believe the "Erica" story at all... If he is in a new relationship, I believe it's with his boss, (her cousin, a stripper, who just 'happens' to live in the same house... too hard to believe) and "Erica is just a 'cover story' because they're afraid that if I do turn them into corporate, they will both lose their jobs.)

If they honestly believed they'd done nothing wrong... why hide the fact that they're in a relationship and that he's living with her?

I'm not even 100% convinced that there even IS a relationship. It is possible that she let him come live with her because he had nowhere else to go, but told him he couldn't tell me because she feared for her job... and he's only telling me that he IS in another relationship because he thinks it will make me 'give up on him.' (And yes, a lot of people have told me that I should, but I took my vows and did and still do take them very seriously.) I remember the kind, comparing, compassionate man that I fell in love with... not this 'jerk'he's become ever since she started 'suggesting' to him that he had an unhappy home life.

Interestingly enough however, is the fact that the week before last, her FB status said "In a Relationship since 2013" and the last week was changed to 'single.'

So... now that I've told the story... here are some questions I would appreciate some feedback to:

1.) I've read on these boards and others like it that the affair should be exposed to friends and family. What about to his job?

2.) Would you believe the "Erica" story, or would you think he's definitely sleeping with his boss? Or that nothing he says is to be believed?

3.) I've read innumerable 'save your marriage,' 'get your ex back,' articles, blog posts, guides and forums... and most of them suggest to start with a "No Contact" period of at least 30 days, and then to send him a hand written letter telling him that I accept his decision to end the relationship that I realize it's probably for the best and that I have some great news, but I'll tell him about it some other time because right now we both need time and space (for boyfriends and girlfriends with no kids, I could see this, but with kids?...)

4.) con't from 3.... I did pay for one session with a marriage coach and it was terrible. She gave me nothing but the same generic advice I can get for free all over the Internet. "Be the best you that you can be so that he'd be crazy to leave you." Uhh... he's already left. And I need 'insight' based on what I've said about him, into what he might be thinking, what might motivate him to give our marriage a chance to get some real (pro-marriage) counseling... actually, even better insight or referrals as to how to get an actual counselor to reach out to him and 'persuade' him to give it a shot.

5.) What should I do next???

Summary: H having an affso with his boss for >1 year.moved out and stopped supporting the family, turned off her phone and utilities.
She wants to know what to do next.

L
Expose to his job. Read the Exposure101 thread For instructions.

See an attorney. File for support a nd for a restraining order so you can put this woman in jail the next time she calls.
Notify the mods so you can move

Welcome to MB.

I'm sorry but you will not get many, if any, responses to such a long post. It is very difficult to read such a long post on a screen, and it is very difficult to keep the details straight. We only need a short summary. We need to know:

What is the problem right now? Is your husband having an affair?

How long has this been going on, and what stage has it reached?

Has he left you? Is he living with OW? Is he giving you and the kids any money?

Who is this OW? Is she a colleague? Is she married?

How long have you been married? How old are your kids? Who among your close family and friends knows about the affair?

He had an emotional affair with about a year and a half ago, swore it was over. He maintained inappropriate (by my standards) contact with her.

She is his boss, and threatened any 'future promotions' because I confronted HER instead of him about the messages.

He has left, is now living at her house, but says he's sleeping with her cousin.

He paid the January electric bill and gave me $400 out of which he made me pay 2 other bills.

The kids are not his biological children. He has no obligation to pay child support.

The OW is his boss or her cousin, or no one... I can't tell. He's told me 7 or 8 different stories.

Married 6 years this April. Kids are 10 and 7. Both of our families know about the affair. We aren't close to either of our families, he only to his mother, who believes he did nothing wrong because "I am the bi**h".

Has either of you been married before? How did those marriages end?

I was married once before. For 9 years. I will never say a bad word about my first husband. I married way too young (21). I was immature and stupid and didn't know what a good man I had.

He had never been married before me.

It started as an EA. - She works with him, they flirted, she told him "I don't play with married men," but she continued to flirt with him and opined in his hear about "Oh you poor man, all the guys at work say what an unhappy home life you have." (And they probably did, but they didn't live in this house.)

He said nothing happened.
Admitted it was EA, but always said "My d**k never left my pants" whenever it came up.

We chose to stay together... I told him he needed to cut all ties with her, and find a new job. He did neither.

She then got promoted and became his boss...

About a year later, I discovered he was still sending her inappropriate text messages and Facebook messages.
I confronted her about why she didn't tell him to stop...
She told me she was 'ignoring junk behavior'... (I told her, "He's not your psych patient, he's your subordinate.)
She then told him that this 'drama causing behavior would affect her decision in any future promotion.)

He got angry with me, put a password on his phone, and told me it was because of my threats to 'expose' them, and that he had to be careful not to violate HIPPA.

Then he was up for a promotion that meant working long hours very closely with her, and I said no. I reminded him that he needed to cut all ties with her and find a new job and he had one lined up too... but he decided to take the promotion instead.

The war began...
Coming home late 3-4 hours every day.
Constantly being called in on his day off.
Everything I feared would happen, including me being insecure, wondering if it was true, or if he was meeting her.
A month after he took the job, he told me the marriage was over for him a long time ago and he wanted out.
Then he just wanted a separation.
He started going out and staying out all night.
We tried counseling, but it was futile.

He left right after Christmas.

A couple of weeks later, I found him at her house.

Him, her and some woman claiming to be her aunt, told me that he was sleeping with her 'cousin' (they all happen to live together.)

Almost NO ONE is buying the 'cousin' story... and my husband makes enough money that he doesn't have to be 'there' because he has nowhere else to go.

Everyone believes he is sleeping with his boss. Week before last, her Facebook status said she was in a relationship since 2013. Last week it was "Single."

Until I found him at her house, he was telling me he was living with a 55 year old woman. When I found him, I got the 'cousin' story...

At this point, I'm not sure that exposing him to his friends and family and job will amount to much of anything anyway...

His mommy is convinced that if he was having an affair it was my fault and he should leave me.

His co-workers have always thought I was a shrew of a wife who made his home life unhappy.

And his job... well, I've already threatened it so many times and never followed through, and if he does lose his job, which he probably would, how would he ever find another one after being fired for 'sexual misconduct' or something like that?

On the other hand, I also feel like "Well, he's not paying my bills, so why should I protect his job so he can pay HERS?"

And at the end of the day, my goal is to get him to come home, not to end up divorced.

We also have no legal separation in Florida. We have no real assets and the kids aren't his biological children, (though he is the only "Dad" they've ever known) so he has no obligation to pay child support.)

And the last time I saw him, he said "In 9 months when we get the divorce, we'll sort out the banking." I said "Why 9 months?" And he said "Because I'm still pissed!"

I don't know if that means he wants to get past being pissed before he makes his final decision and files, or if he was just shooting off his mouth, and I didn't press it because he is ADAMANT that we ARE getting divorced.

The proof that I have are screen shots of the inappropriate Facebook messages and a picture of the car he is driving in her driveway... but it was night time too, so you can't see the house or the address, and the FB message between her and I where she admits to saying 'this drama causing behavior will affect her decision in any future promotion."

So... is exposure a good idea at this stage of the game?

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

Ok.. I was told this one was too long and the questions are different now.

I don't see how I can 'institute' Plan B, when HE is the one who left... I'm not sure now if 'exposure' will bring him back or drive him even further away... especially considering that his 'social circle' approves of his behavior.

The only leverage I have is exposing them to their job, and hoping that once they're told they're being fired because their behavior is inappropriate, they'll realize that it is.

I don't want to file for divorce, and in Florida, there is no legal separation and no good lawyer is going to take my case on the basis that I want it to be a long separation.

FL2Boys, from what I gathered in reading around your posts, you've been married for six years. Your children are from your previous marriage. Your husband's affair has gone on for 1-1/2 to 2 years. Your husband has moved out.

Yes, if there is any chance of saving your marriage, exposure is the best hope that you have for killing the affair.

You won't have any marriage unless and until the affair is dead.

Were you divorced when you met your present husband?

Yes, I was divorced when I met my husband.

You need to expose far and wide, including to the HR Dept at his work.

You mentioned that you have inappropriate texts. The woman that he was texting with is the woman who he is having an affair with, irregardless of how he has tried to deflect and confuse you about who his girlfriend is.

Do you know that woman's name? Have you gone to her FB and copied all of her friends list? Also, you need to find out who her parents are and any siblings she may have so that you can expose to them.

Along with his work exposure, you need to also expose to his family...parents, siblings, his close friends, and to any clergy or other well regarded person in his life. And your family too.

Once you get an exposure list prepared, come back here and post a copy of your exposure letter (with names removed) so that we can help you to be sure that it is short and to the point.

Exposure needs to be done in one fell swoop so that it is most effective.

Can you work on this today?

I've started collecting names from FB, yes... but as I said, I don't think it's going to have any effect. His and her 'circles of influence' aren't exactly made up of people with a moral compass

First, I did everything Dr. Harley said NOT to do when I first found out about the affair, the 'you better stop or else I will make you sorry' kind of stuff...

So if I've already made those mistakes, do I still expose?

He's already moved out and says he wants a divorce, so it seems a bit amateurish for me to move on with Plan B with threatening divorce, when he's already left and said he wants one.

I'm just really unsure how to proceed from here.

FL2, yes all of your posts are now here on this same thread. You have made seven posts and they are all here.

You have enough proof to warrant exposure. Even IF you did not have the inappropriate text messages, or your husband's own words admitting to the affair, your husband is living with another woman AND you are still married.

Living with another person of the opposite sex while married is an affair.

I didn't mention anything in my above post about Plan A or Plan B.

I mentioned exposure and detailed what you need to do to prepare. Exposure is how you proceed from here.

Are you willing to do exposure?

Good job on collecting the names. Please work like a madwoman and get them all compiled today. Then write your exposure letter and come back here and post it (with names removed) for help.

Most of us (myself included) did not think that exposure would have effect when we were in your shoes. That is because we are thinking emotionally when in the thick of things.

You're right...it sounds like he is hanging around with some real losers. That's okay. Expose to them anyway. Exposure is going to bring the dirty deeds to the light of day. Mold dies in the sun, remember?

Oh dear, most of us can say the same thing! Most of us lovebusted like there was no tomorrow!

I botched everything, including exposure, by the time that I had found this website.

But then, with the help of everyone here, I started from scratch and did a true exposure. Exposure killed a 12 year affair dead.

YES, even after you've made mistakes, you STILL expose.

Ok, thanks Blindsighted. I just want to make sure I follow the plan correctly.

The reason I mentioned Plan A and Plan B is because Dr. Harley warns against the unintended consequences of exposing an workplace affair to the employer and suggests giving the WS 30 days notice that he needs to find a new job and end all communication with the OW... but since he's already left and living with her and refuses to talk to me, how can I give him this notice?

Also... he claims the reason he stopped paying the bills is because I was 'harassing his friends' (the OW, stripper cousin and the aunt, apparently) because the night I drove by and found him there, I called OW on the phone and confronted her... then the next two days, the aunt kept calling me to get 'my side' of the story (there may have been times when my phone dropped the call- it does that all the time- and I called her back, but not many).

So now he's going to accuse me of harassing his friends again.

And once the exposure is all said and done, where do I go from there?

I'm not sure I'm in Plan A or Plan B...

If I'm in Plan A, there are no letters or messages to give him, and if I'm in Plan B, the letters and messages demand no contact, that he move out and that I get a lawyer...

I'm completely unsure of what to do once the affair is exposed but I do know that without a job, he can't hire a lawyer, and he'll probably move up to South Dakota to be with his mommy...

Should I just expose to friends and family first?
Should I write a version of the Plan B letter for Plan A?
Once I start exposing them to their FB friends, I won't have any opportunity to talk to him to give him the 30 day warning about his job and cutting all ties with her...
But I'm also not supposed to forewarn him about exposing them to friends and family.
What do I do when their friends reply to me with either nasty remarks or tell me that I need to just accept that my marriage is over and the usual crap people tell me?
I am completely confused about the strategy here..

FL2 we are out right now and should be back in a couple of hours. I will be back with you then.

Thanks... while you're away, I'll post more questions I'm having as I read through the site...

Ok, so, my husband considers me to be mentally and verbally abusive. And I think maybe to an extent, I was.

On http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html this page

Dr. Harley says - "In general, I recommend separation when at least one spouse cannot control destructive behavior. An ongoing affair, of course, is one of those situations. Hence, plan B. But other situations such as physical and verbal abuse, where one spouse's mental or physical safety is as risk, are also grounds for separation. As in the case of infidelity, if one spouse is abusive, I often recommend plan A first, where, through negotiation (without anger, disrespect or demands), an attempt is made to overcome the abuse without separating."

My husband is justifying his affair by saying that I am mentally and verbally abusive, and told me he doesn't want to try to save the marriage.

I am so confused right now... if I go through with this exposure, especially to his job, I think that will be the final nail in the coffin. On the other hand if I give him 'notice' about the job, he'll see it as a threat, and consider that me being 'abusive' again- especially since so many people have told him that I was wrong to threaten to report him in the first place, and our marriage counselor told us that I crossed a boundary when I brought other people into our marriage... and he's hung on to that like a drowning man holding on to a life raft.

Is my husband right? Was I physically and verbally abusive? If so, did that drive the affair? If it did, should I just let go and move on?...

Above all, right now, all I have to work with to 'reach' him, is the kids. He's still calling them, though he's making one excuse after the other not to see them. He called tonight to talk to them and our oldest begged him to come home, and he very sternly said "No" then said "You need to stop or I'm hanging up"... Is it foolish for me to think there is any hope of saving this marriage?

Should I just give up? I'm so tired. All I want to do is sleep.