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As hard as it is to admit to myself my kids are growing and I now have an adult son (Senior in HS but turned 18).
He's been in a fairly long term relationship with a girl and I see them struggling, struggling to know how to treat each other. I'd love for my son to learn what I've learned from Dr. Harley.
His GF is a minor.
So I'm wondering, at what point, if any, would I try to interject Dr Harley's teachings into his life?
I'm in a tough spot because he doesn't really like to open up to me. He saves that for the Mrs and while I think she does a good job offering advice I don't know that it would always follow MB philosophies.
My thought was I'd have him read Dr Harley's books, but at what stage in his life is right time to do it.
Any thoughts? I'd love some feedback.
Thanks friends.
Last edited by MrAlias; 03/03/16 08:56 AM.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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As hard as it is to admit to myself my kids are growing and I now have an adult son (Senior in HS but turned 18).
He's been in a fairly long term relationship with a girl and I see them struggling, struggling to know how to treat each other. I'd love for my son to learn what I've learned from Dr. Harley.
His GF is a minor.
So I'm wondering, at what point, if any, would I try to interject Dr Harley's teachings into his life?
I'm in a tough spot because he doesn't really like to open up to me. He saves that for the Mrs and while I think she does a good job offering advice I don't know that it would always follow MB philosophies.
My thought was I'd have him read Dr Harley's books, but at what stage in his life is right time to do it.
Any thoughts? I'd love some feedback.
Thanks friends. I have struggled with that too, both my daughters (25 and 28) are in long term relationships and my younger daughter is now engaged. I sent her Fall in Love, Stay in Love but I do not think she will read it. Important not to try to educate! Children mostly learn from example which can be good news and can be bad news. Sadly, mine saw an extremely dysfunctional marriage which did not end until they were 18 and 21. When I remarried, they immediately picked up on the difference and have learned from it. My elder daughter (for instance) loves listening to us negotiate. I don't think the same applies to boys by the way, girls are naturally far more tuned into relationships. His girlfriend would have to see an MB marriage in action and decide that this is a good model for her.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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The question was when to tell kids about an affair (at the time of the affair he kids were too young to tell). The segment is on affairs, but Dr. Harley advices to educate children in their early teens and then again in their late teens. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=7013
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There is no harm in giving him a book now. He can then decide if he wants to read it or not.
One thing to keep in mind ... we have given people books before, hoping they would read them. Sometimes, a few years later, someone will send me a message out of the blue saying "I finally read this book, and it is amazing! Thank you!" They may not read it immediately, but it is there on their shelf later when they are looking for help.
We plan to give our kids these books when they are in their late teens.
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The best thing you can do for your children is follow the program with their other parent.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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GF's parents are divorced. She lives with her father and aunt.
She has a lot of anxieties. We've had to intervene as she's put our son in some pretty precarious situations. Scratching herself with a knife (not so much as cutting). Cry for help stuff like "no one would care if I died". Uhm, you're talking to your boyfriend who cares an awful lot about you. She's possibly bi-polar. We're talking with her father now in hopes she gets counseling. Unfortunately her health insurance is through her mother who lives far away and she doesn't see the need for her to go to counseling. "Just a tough stretch, I'm sure you'll be fine". Ugh.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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I don't know that my wife and I have been the best examples. Too much putting up with the pitfalls of our marriage.
They've seen the highs and the lows.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Important not to try to educate! Isn't it my job to help teach him his options? I'd love to say we lead by example but we are not the poster couple for MB. Still working at it.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Important not to try to educate!
Isn't it my job to help teach him his options? By the age of 25, if you start lecturing, they switch off. You certainly cannot teach girlfriend unless you want her to hate you for ever. I'd love to say we lead by example but we are not the poster couple for MB. Still working at it. Example is your most powerful weapon. In reality it is the only weapon in your arsenal.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Important not to try to educate! Isn't it my job to help teach him his options? He is old enough that the only option you really have is to try to respectfully persuade him, like you would any other adult.
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I am lucky enough to be a health teacher--I incorporate all of Dr. Harley's information into my classes. I have found that girls are far more in tune with relationships but boys listen when the girls are shaking their heads yes all the time!
I will teach my own kids in the near future so I'm hoping that making it a part of an assignment and leaving a lot of it in the class room will help! Hopefully that way they can talk amongst each other.
Me-BH-37
XWW-32
Married 8 years
2-daughters
D-Day-2--2011
Divorced 2-2012
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That is so cool, PTH. I wonder how you are able to do that....
But good idea.
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In my curriculum I teach about dating,commitment,marriage, love, etc.. I go into depth about the 10 emotional needs, the love bank, love busters, love deposits, and a lot about martial statistics that I've learned from here.
I especially spend a great deal of time on undivided attention and the importance of putting the marriage 1st. Why unconditional love sounds so great but it's not a reality.
All the kids I've taught could tell you what your odds are for having a romantic marriage--I tell them I'm giving them information that if they choose to use will help them less likely become a statistic---like I was!
In reality I am hoping just to pay it forward.
I always tell them--it's not what you get but what you give!
Me-BH-37
XWW-32
Married 8 years
2-daughters
D-Day-2--2011
Divorced 2-2012
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That is awesome. Kids are more likely to listen to their health teacher than their parents.
Dr. Harley always says that the most important thing to teach our kids is thoughtfulness. Our kids are probably sick and tired of hearing. We've thrown it out there, and they get to listen to the radio show sometimes when I have it on in the car.
Hopefully it will dispel one common myth for them...that great marriages naturally happen.
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