I am trying to figure out why you are here if you believe that. I came to Marriage Builders because Dr. Harley said he had a plan to stay in love for life. If you don't believe that is even possible, why pick Marriage Builders?

According to Dr. Harley, 20% of marriages are happy and most are not. That could explain why most people think that everyone eventually falls out of love in marriage.

My wife and I fell out of love and back in love many times during our recovery process, which was longer than it should have been.

Ok, but I am not the one getting the divorce. It is my husband who is getting the divorce. What do you mean by "anecdotal evidence?"

You are misunderstanding me...I do believe that it is possible to be in love for life. I am just saying that people do fall out of love if no precautions are taken. Your last sentence proves my point. This is what bothers me - that I know it is possible for my husband to fall back in love with me but he does not believe it and does not want to do anything about it. Therefore, he is proceeding with a divorce.

Melody, I am not ending my marriage. Obviously, I am here to try to do something about it. My husband is ending the marriage and he is not the one sitting in front of the computer spending time on forums. Obviously, he is the one who is having a problem with the marriage. He could have addressed the issues in advance. I cannot address an issue I am not aware of because my husband does not communicate. Otherwise, I would have addressed it. We are both adults. He should be the one to raise any issues. I cannot read his mind.

Of course, people get married and they are happy when they are married because they share their life with someone else. This is the reason why I married...From the threads I read in this forum, you and your husband both are putting effort to stay "in love". I guarantee you 100% if I told my husband about Dr. Harley and his research he would not even try to do what is necessary to bring back the "in love" feeling in our marriage because he does not want to. I have told him it is possible and he got even more defensive. This desire to improve our relationship should come from within and me obviously pointing it out was making him defensive. He introduced a third person in the equation and no the grass on the outside is greener for him. So he does not want to do anything to improve our relationship.

Yes, I realize that. However, living in different cultures I can definitely point out differences in terms of how entitled and selfish one feels because he or she lives in the land of freedom. This is just a mindset engrained in a lot of people here and I am sure it happens in many other places in the world. It is just not as prevalent because the culture does not promote certain kinds of freedoms that destroy the institution of marriage or make it shaky. When my cousin was contemplating a divorce both my uncle and aunt stood up for saving the marriage and had an influence on my cousin. He is happy now and has 2 kids despite thinking of divorce in the beginning of his marriage. My husband's mom has been through 4 or 5 marriages, his dad through that many as well, his brothers and sisters as well. The apple does not fall far away from the tree - just like it is not a big deal in his family, it is also not a big deal to my husband. Did his mom tell my husband anything? No. Why? Because she told me she did not want to alienate him. If I were thinking divorce, my parents would have never supported me and would have been talking to me about doing something to make sure we make it better. They would never support divorce. There is no one in my family who has been divorced so obviously I am much more willing to put in the necessary work to make this relationship the best it could be. How one reacts to the choice of making t he relationship best or chooses divorce has to do with the moral system of each individual and the family he or she comes from. Divorce in this country is rampant. While divorce is looked down upon in many cultures, it seems much more acceptable here and that is the problem.

Why don't you try the Marriage Builders program?

I am willing to try but how? My husband is divorcing me. I have asked him to give us time and try to work on our marriage to reestablish the love in our relationship. He gets defensive and tells me I am counseling him and that will not work. He is dead set on what he wants. I think he is still under the influence of his AP and thinks it is impossible to love me. Who knows, may be they are still together and he is lying.

You know, it really isn't wise, or well-mannered to post on a website owned by an America, and populated by Americans, and then insult the culture. I'm posting from the United Kingdom, and I would never dream of behaving in such an uncivilised way. Neither, for that matter, would I think it acceptable to live in a different country, as you do, and then publicly write such derogatory things about the culture, as you did. And doing so on a website where you've come seeking help from those people is just beyond silly.

Don't alienate people here. We are on your side. Most of us have been through the horror of adultery, and we post here to support people like you, who are going through it now. What do you think will happen to your support if you accuse people of coming from a culture that is entitled and selfish? It is not exactly entitled and selfish for people to give up their time and post to you; quite the opposite, I'd say.

Do you know how many people on this site have relatives who stood up for the marriage? We have parents here who got on the phone to the affair partner and chewed them out, telling them to get out of the marriage, and that if they thought they would be welcomed as the new spouse they had better think again. We have had parents who have kicked their own child's butt for being unfaithful. Indeed, family and social pressure is the basis for Dr Harley's policy of exposing an affair. If it were true that the culture does nothing to support marriage, Dr Harley would have no basis for his recommendation. And exposure works to bring about the end of an affair many cases.


I do take your point about "freedoms that destroy the institution of marriage" - such as the easy divorce laws - but I would point out that there is a strong Christian culture in the USA - far stronger than in the UK - and that this Christian culture is supportive of marriage. Most people who post here had spouses who were not promiscuous before or during marriage, and who behaved entirely out of character when they allowed another person to meet their needs. Both spouses married intending to keep their vows. They are, by and large, Christian. The have conservative values. Please don't denigrate an entire culture because your husband's families the way it is. Such a pattern of divorce is not common among the families of the people who post here.

You probably won't be able to try MB in this marriage, as your WH seems set on leaving, but it was suggested that you try it if you ever marry again, and you roundly rejected the need for that.

When we pointed out that your separate lifestyles gave him the wide-open opportunity to have his needs met by someone else, you argued against that. You argued that each spouse should be free to live their own lives, and that loving is a choice. He should simply choose to love you and honour his vows.

Dr Harley's research has led him to see that people fall in love when their most important emotional needs are met by someone else. Each person puts deposits in the love bank account held by the other person. Creating and maintaining love is a simple mathematical relationship of adding to, and subtracting from, the account in the other person's love bank.

You can't add to your account in someone's love bank if you have long periods when you never see them - and to make matters worse, someone who DOES see them, such as the bar worker where your husband is deployed, CAN rapidly make deposits because she is with him frequently; being affectionate, flattering and admiring him, talking to him and, soon, having sex.

If you reject one of the basic concepts of Marriage Builders - that of the love bank (or indeed ANY of the basic concepts) - you are, in effect, rejecting all of it. If you don't accept that a marriage will not make each spouse happy if it is not deeply integrated, with the spouses living together always, and sleeping in the same bed every night, and meeting the four intimate emotional needs for a substantial period of time every week, you are asking for trouble - at least, you are asking for trouble if you do not marry someone from a much more duty-bound culture, like your own.

Again, you are interpreting wrong everything I say. First off, I am a US citizen and I live in the US. I stand for the people here and I actually think the people in this country are some of the most open people I have met compared to other countries. I married an American and obviously I have nothing against Americans. I myself have actively tried to get in the military. Also, I have volunteered a lot ever since I have been in the US to give back to the community. I just made a statement based on my observations. Now, whether other people agree with my observations or not that is their opinion. I also have an opinion. I have in no way tried to insult anyone on this website.

You are correct. That's why again I say that I have not intended to offend anyone. I made a statement trying to explain and rationalize why there is such a prevalence in divorce rate here based on my observation. May be people disagree with me but this is my observation.

There is a high divorce rate in the US because most people don't know how to protect the romantic love in their marriages. As such, they fall out of love. Exactly as you have experienced. People who are in love don't get divorced.

Exactly, this is what I meant when I was talking about the values of the individual and the family. If such values are not in place, whether they exist because of religion or not, marriage goes out the window and divorce is much acceptable....Anyways, this website is not about discussing such issues. I think this thread got off topic. So I will stop discussing because the conversation in continuing in an area where there will always be a debate and is largely based on personal views and serves no purpose here other than the fact that people get insulted from what I am already observing. My intention was to make a point about why my husband would proceed with a divorce while in my case it is unacceptable. My intention was not to start a conversation about attacking this culture but I guess this is a topic which is too sensitive to some so I will not discuss anymore. This is not the purpose of this website.

Thanks everyone for your time and your support.

All you are really saying is that your husband did not value your marriage, and he was very willing to divorce. I think that's obvious.

You were the one who took it off topic.

That's right. The purpose of Marriage Builders is to build marriages to last a lifetime.

That's more like it.

When did I reject the MB program? I made attempts to meet his emotional needs when he got back home but he rejected everything.... I am not the one who made my husband join the military. How am I supposed to make love deposits when he is on a deployment and separated from me and refuses to talk to me and ignores me because he wants to spend time with the AP. I am not allowed to be on a deployment with him. I asked my husband whether or not I am meeting his emotional needs and he confirmed that I am capable of meeting his emotional needs. He told me the problem is not with me but with him. In fact, he told the bar girl that he has a great marriage.

Here, for example:

You were arguing with posters who said that spouses cannot make each other happy if they do not live together. You rejected the idea that happiness is the purpose of marriage. However, that idea is at the heart of Marriage Builders.

DINGDINGDINGDING!! That is the point. You can't meet his needs when you are separated. This is why divorce is epidemic in military marriages. Your husband fell out of love. If you don't learn from your mistakes you are doomed to repeat them.