It�s been many years since I have been on these boards, but I am having an issue recently that has me concerned. For some background, my husband and I have been married 5 years and together for 10. We are both in our mid to late forties.

Overall we have a wonderful relationship. DH is the kind of man that believes very strongly in karma and doing the right thing, as I do. Neither of us are active on Facebook because we feel that it mostly is frivolous and could potentially lead to problems if opposite sex friends or exes from the past get into contact. We both feel the suspicion, jealousy, possible misunderstandings, etc. are not worth the connections and opportunities to socialize.

Two weekends ago DH went to a family get together at his cousin�s house. The function was held on a Sunday and I had to work, so I could not go with him. His cousin has a half-sister who had not been in their lives because she had been put up for adoption when she was a baby. His cousin was introduced to her sister for the first time 4 years ago. Back then I met the sister, and thought she was nice, but that she was a troubled person. At the time she was involved in a relationship with a man who was abusive and she had been with him for years.

For awhile after that meeting that we would hear about the sister from DH�s cousin, then at some point about 2 years ago they stopped speaking (not sure why). Apparently they recently had reconnected and the sister was invited to the party. My husband, who only planned on spending a few hours at his cousin�s house, ended up staying there all afternoon and evening and didn�t get home until close to 10pm. He was in a good mood and said it was nice seeing his family, and that he would show me the pictures the next day.

The next morning, he excitedly pulled up the pictures from the party to show me. I noticed one picture of him with his arm around his cousin�s sister, and it gave me pause, but I let it go because he and his cousins and friends sometimes take pictures like that; and even though I think it is somewhat inappropriate, I try to be understanding that some people/families are just more physically demonstrative or affectionate than others. But then he showed me a second picture, a group one, where he had his arm around her, and she had BOTH arms encircled around him. I felt that that picture was very inappropriate, told him so, and he quickly deleted it. He also reassured me that he just saw her as family and didn�t mean anything by it, as he has taken many similar pictures of him with his cousin (her sister).

I told him that the latter situation was different, because he had known his cousin most of his life. This person, although blood related, was a stranger and I did not feel comfortable with him having that kind of relationship with her. I said that it was plain that this woman had boundary issues if she felt so comfortable in putting not one but both arms around some married man whom she had just met for the second time in her life (the first time being 4 years ago). He verbalized a good understanding of that, especially since he has always been jealous and possessive of me, for situations that were nothing like this one. At one point about a year ago his brother had briefly put his hand on my shoulder, and DH said to him, only half joking, �Get your hands off of her!�

So DH deleted the picture, and we said nothing more of it. This morning I had the oddest hunch that he and the sister had been emailing each other (don�t know why � maybe I am psychic!) and so I asked him if he had been. He said yes, that he had been emailing with her and also another (male) family member who had recently come back into the fold. I asked him if he and she had been emailing just the two of them and he said yes, just �how was your day� type of things. (Maybe twelve times or so!) And that he really just saw it as family reconnecting. I explained to him AGAIN how she wasn�t really family and how it wasn�t appropriate for him to be regularly emailing a woman that wasn�t his wife. I reminded him how LIVID he would be if I had been the one to do that, and he acknowledged that fact.

He said he would stop emailing her if it upset me and that I was the most important thing to him and nothing was worth jeopardizing that. I asked if he would send her an email telling her so and he said yes. He seemed to be having problems figuring how to phrase it so I helped him with it. In the email he sent he said that he and his wife had discussed it, and that we had decided it was inappropriate for them to be emailing privately, and hopefully she would understand that it wasn�t personal.

DH told me that he really just wants to have friends that he spends time with once in awhile, and that when he got together with his family it felt good to reconnect. Unfortunately, my husband�s friends from childhood and young adulthood are not the most dependable of people, and DH found it necessary to separate himself (to an extent) from them years ago. He does still see them once or twice a summer during a BBQ or get together, but doesn�t keep in regular touch and doesn�t spend any time with any of them one on one. Same goes with his work friends, and his brother.

Did I do the right thing by insisting that he sever this connection with his cousin�s sister? I feel bad that he doesn�t have a social life apart from me, and I wouldn�t mind if he got together with work friends or even his old friends on occasion. But I don�t feel that this type of connection should be allowed to continue. It�s a slippery slope, with an EA in the making� and possibly a PA following. How can I encourage him to forge other, healthier, safer connections?

Thanks for listening. I would love to hear your input.

Quite simply, Carolina, any relationship that your husband has (or is thinking of having) that upsets you, or makes you uncomfortable, is off limits to him. You do not need to have a justification that other people would approve or understand. Your husband has a duty to do nothing that makes him the cause of your unhappiness.

Opposite-sex friendships are a particular no-no. In the case of one such potential relationship, you are certainly not wrong for wanting him to end the relationship.

No ifs, no buts; he is to have nothing more to do with her. Is he willing to do that?

Is this person related by blood to your husband? Do they have a grandparent in common?

Yes, he is willing not to have any personal contact with her

Actually, you've got other serious problems, apart from the fact that he saw nothing wrong with getting close to a half-cousin. You seemed to be more worried about the potentially incestuous nature of this relationship, because although they are related by blood, they did not see each other growing up, and thus could have an affair.

Your other serious problems include the fact that you socialise separately, and for some reason, you see your own families separately. For goodness sake, what kind of marriage is this? How is it that you've been familiar with this site since at least 2008, and you have no idea how wrong it is to have a marriage in which the spouses have aspects of their lives that are separate from their spouse - especially the fun and social aspects?

He can spend time with his friends once in a while, as long as they are same sex. Meeting in mixed groups without you is an affair in the waiting.

Why would he spend time with his family without you? Popping round to see his parents after work is not odd. Going to family reunions without you is just bizarre, and a bit insulting to you, on the parts of both him and his family, if you are not invited, or not really welcome.

He shouldn't have a social life apart from you. Your dates, out of the home for at least 15 hours per week, should be his social life, and if he has that, he will not feel the need for anything else. Socialising with family should be done together.

Getting together with work friends and old friends, spouses, is how affairs usually start.

The healthier safer connection he needs to make is with you. Your marriage needs a serious attitude and behavioural shift on both your parts.

this girl is his father's niece's daughter. She is related to DH's cousin (the one he has known since he was young) in that she is his cousin's half sister. What happened was the following: DH's father had a niece who gave birth to her daughter (DH cousin) at 13 years of age. This was 50 years ago when these kind of things really didn't happen. At 14 she got pregnant again, by another boy, and had this second child (the one communicating with DH). Then the niece (the mother of the two girls) died.

The grandmother (DH's aunt), kept DH's cousin (the first daughter). The younger child was put up for adoption, because the grandmother did not feel she could raise both. That is why DH's cousin and her half sister did not know each other until 4 years ago.

Actually, you've got other serious problems, apart from the fact that he saw nothing wrong with getting close to a half-cousin. You seemed to be more worried about the potentially incestuous nature of this relationship, because although they are related by blood, they did not see each other growing up, and thus could have an affair.

Your other serious problems include the fact that you socialise separately, and for some reason, you see your own families separately. For goodness sake, what kind of marriage is this? How is it that you've been familiar with this site since at least 2008, and you have no idea how wrong it is to have a marriage in which the spouses have aspects of their lives that are separate from their spouse - especially the fun and social aspects?

Actually, it is rare that we socialize separately. Usually the family functions are on Saturdays, or I can take off a Sunday if there is one scheduled that day. This was an isolated time that I could not take off work that particular day. I did tell him that if he was going to be seeing this side of the family again, however, it would have to be with both of us together. He understood and agreed.


He can spend time with his friends once in a while, as long as they are same sex. Meeting in mixed groups without you is an affair in the waiting.

Agree!

Why would he spend time with his family without you? Popping round to see his parents after work is not odd. Going to family reunions without you is just bizarre, and a bit insulting to you, on the parts of both him and his family, if you are not invited, or not really welcome.

As stated above, I am always invited, and usually am able to go.

He shouldn't have a social life apart from you. Your dates, out of the home for at least 15 hours per week, should be his social life, and if he has that, he will not feel the need for anything else. Socialising with family should be done together.

Getting together with work friends and old friends, spouses, is how affairs usually start.

The healthier safer connection he needs to make is with you. Your marriage needs a serious attitude and behavioural shift on both your parts. [/quote]

Thanks, I know this!

I'm sorry, but I can't make any sense of these complicated connections. I really only wanted to know whether your H and this woman are related.

Then why did you say

"I feel bad that he doesn�t have a social life apart from me, and I wouldn�t mind if he got together with work friends or even his old friends on occasion."

??

First cousin, once removed?
In most states, these two could legally get married. She is a threat.

I'm sorry but your H is being dishonest with you. He is attracted to this woman.

And everything that you describe - him excitedly talking about this woman and having the relationship escalated to "private" emailing, (that he failed to mention to you), is not an accident. That is how many affairs escalate in the early stages. The part about him "needing a friend" is also something I have seen many BS's say about their WS's description about how their affair started.

Have you ever behaved this way with any members of the opposite sex, distant relative or not? I have not, not when I was married (15+ years) and not now as a single woman.

It's good that you caught this in the early stages but I have to tell you, I think this woman is a real threat to your M and your H needs to have NC with her.

Is your H on FB? I think you said something about not being active but I'm not sure what that means.

To be on the safe side, I think you need to have a keylogger on your H's computer and phone and just keep your eyes wide open to ensure that contact has truly ended between these two.

YES, HE IS. DOES THAT MAKE THIS LESS CONCERNING?!?!?!?

two guesses and the first is denial?

Thank you. That was my thought, though I didn't realize the legality of it!

His phone is under my account so I would know all calls/texts he would make. Keylogger on the computer? I am a bit reluctant - seems to be an invasion of privacy - but understand it may be necessary.

CAroleena, that would not be an invasion of privacy since he is your husband. You have a right to have access to everything.

Is there a good reason why you shouted at me?

Is this an iPhone?

There are several other things he could be doing to contact this woman besides phone calls/text.

Yes, it's necessary. This was (at the very least) the beginning stages of an EA. Hopefully it was discovered early enough that they will stay away from each other - unfortunately you cannot know for sure unless you watch him.

OK I will give that option serious thought. In the meantime, I exposed the communications to my SIL (DH's brother's wife), who was there at the get together two weeks ago. She said that although she did NOT feel DH's interactions with the woman were inappropriate (SIL has a strong personality and would have had no qualms to insert herself between the two and announce that DH's wife was at work today, etc.), she could see that the woman seemed to have a problem with boundaries (with SIL, not DH) and that she was a bit mentally unstable.

Next up... I told my job that I would no longer be working every Sunday but instead mostly on a Mon thru Fri schedule and work a weekend day only once a month (part of manager rotation). This should take care of that part of our issue with me working when some of these get togethers occur.

Anything else I should be doing?

That's good that he doesn't have a smartphone. Do you have the password to his email account/s (the ones that you know about)?



This shouldn't make you feel any better about the situation.

The SIL's description doesn't change the fact that
~ you saw a picture with your own two eyes of him with his arms around this woman
~ that he was excited when talking about her, was excited about the pictures he had of her
~ that he stayed late at the party
~ and that he started emailing privately with her without telling you about it

Most women want to villify the OP. It doesn't matter if she's a skank or she was unstable or if she started it or was the pursuer. Almost every person that posts here wants to believe that. It really doesn't matter.