I have been married to my husband for over 16 years. He went to a work conference in January and met a woman with whom he experienced a strong mutual connection. They began communicating often about work related matters and her son's behavioral issues following her divorce, which are similar to issues my husband experienced as a child. He initially hid this friendship from me because he did not think I would understand, and because they were confused about their feelings and the connection they have. They ultimately decided it is not romantic, but believe they are platonic soulmates and need to maintain a close friendship for some unknown reason. It took them a lot of talking to figure this out. I do not understand why. When I saw a picture of her on his phone as I glanced over his shoulder and then questioned him on it, he was very defensive, but told me who she was, what was going on, and how confused he is by it. I was extremely upset, both because he hid it from me, and because I am still suspicious that it is an emotional affair. He constantly tells me he loves me, is committed to me, and that he has no romantic interest in this woman, but feels a strong need to have this friendship. He also said that he feels we have lost our connection. I asked him to go to counseling with me. In the past he has been against counseling, so I was sure he would refuse, but he he agreed. Counseling has not been easy and I am struggling to trust him over this. He told her about it, and she suggested he pray about it and go to counseling. She is divorced and has said she wished her husband would have gone with her. She reached out to me by email to assure me that there is nothing between them but a close genuine friendship. I still cannot accept that. Complicating matters, this weekend he had another work conference spanning a weekend in her city. He asked me to accompany him and wanted me to meet her, but due to my work schedule, I was unable. I asked him not to see her, but he insisted on spending his free parts of the day yesterday and today with her, both alone and with her children present. In advance of this trip, she again reached out to me by email to assure me that there is nothing going on. Part of their time spent included attending her church, as she is quite religious and they had talked about their religion. My husband has a standing rule that he will never refuse an invitation to church from any of his friends. He has attended church services with other friends in the past. He says he cannot explain why he feels so close to this person, but that he has prayed about it, and gets a feeling they should remain friends even though he knows how much it upsets me. She wants to meet me and he wants us to be friends. I just can't seem to accept this friendship. I want to give him an ultimatum, but he will never respond well to that. What should I do?

Hopesick, I am so very sorry about this but your instincts are correct. He is having an affair. Can you imagine him destroying his marriage over a "friendship" with a guy at work named Fred? It is clear he is having an affair and it is clear this affair comes before you.

Your next step should be to expose the affair. I realize he is denying it is an affair but you know what it is. Please go read the thread in my signature and come back and lets talk. Exposure may break up his affair. If it does not, you should plan to separate and cut off all direct communication with him. Staying in touch with him while he conducts his affair will destroy your mental and physical health. Your devastation will get worse with time.

Your husband is under a powerful delusion which is usually the case in an affair. Affairs are a powerful addiction, much like narcotics, and this is why he would sacrifice his marriage over a so-called "friendship."

I would add your own pastor and the OW's pastor to the exposure list.

So is he saying that God has told him to be a friend and to invest his time in another woman outside the marriage?

Trust your gut...this woman is no friend to your marriage.

Exposure to people of influence in both of their lives is your best bet in killing this. Don't try to educate him because he already knows it is wrong. That is why he hid it from you and that is why OW is trying so hard to quantify it as "just" friends. If she was really just a friend, she would walk away rather that intrude in another person's marriage. Your husband would also walk away rather than risk his marriage.

Expose and ask for support.

I'm so sorry to hear of your distresses! Each reply here is 100% true. Even if it's not physically intimate yet, you have already proven that intimate communications and feelings are very present. THIS IS AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR even if he is telling you the truth! I was in denial for over a year. Stop making excuses for him and the OW.

Example: I had a girl friend that I connected with a few years ago. We were really close. Worked with each other, hung out with the same crowd, tried to get my wife and her to become best friends. We were just friends. I had no physical connection with her, but the emotional connection was very clear. My wife felt uncomfortable with it and accused me of cheating. She told me to stop seeing her... I did! I loved my wife even though this other woman understood and could relate to me more, I still stopped seeing her or talking to her.

My wife on the other hand, developed a very similar relationship a year and a half ago. When I started to feel uncomfortable with her relationship, she made excuses and became defensive. Refused my request for her to stop seeing him. 7 months ago they started the physical affair (best guess).

Are you familiar with the Policy of Joint Agreement? - never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse? It is a principle that is foundational for a good marriage. Even in the highly unlikely event that this "friend" is just a friend, you are not enthusiastic about the friendship. So, POJA dictates that your husband break off all contact until such time as to reach an enthusiastic agreement with you about his friendships. Your marriage has more wrong with it than just this affair (as if it needed more). Your husband is acting as if your concerns don't matter. He is putting all sorts of things ahead of you. Even if you get past this one, you will have trouble down the road unless you both start taking POJA seriously.