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Getting married again with a woman I am totally in love with! I feel like there are some recent red flags but I don't know if I'm just overreacting! She has on three occasions lately gone away for overnights that are legitimate, but doesn't call or text or even respond when I call her. When we finally connect, she says she doesn't keep her phone with her, or was focusing on the person or situation she was in/with. When were together, everything is great, and we really enjoy each other. I have a history of letting my imagination run wild, and conjure up all of these weird feelings of jealousy. I am struggling with weather I am over reacting again or there is something to this behavior. My last marriage ended because of an affair (hers not mine). Early in my current relationship, my GF was at her house with a male guest. She said it was only a friend from work, and that she was actually getting advice about our relationship. I can only believe what she says, and things have since been good even great when we're together. This obviously doesn't make it any easier. We bothe are admittedly madly in love with each other. When were together everything is great. It's just this one area of communication that she has not done well with. Again I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or this is a real issue. We have certainly talked about it and it might be a little better, but just this weekend she went to visit her daughter, and virtually no communication. I have called her several times, and many texts, just to ask when she's going to be home. 3 text in two days from her, saying she's fine and she loves me, but will not call me.

I really love this woman, and don't want to seem to needy. I know she is and has always been very independent. Any input would be helpful. FYI we are both in our fifties.

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Hi JNL, welcome to Marriage Builders. The key is if she is willing to create an affair proof, integrated marriage? When you say she is very "independent" does that mean she will change when you are married to be "integrated?" Independence is the kiss of death for marriages.

What about overnight travel? What about friends of the opposite sex? Have you discussed all this? Do you know how affairs start?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hey thanks for your input. We talk a lot about her independence. She says it's hard for her but she is willing to keep moving foreword. I also come from a family model where we were very open. As far as friends of the opposite sex, she works with mostly men, and has for a very long time. She says she relates to them better. I feel we are pretty good with that t scenario. What do yo think about her not calling when she's away or rarely responding to my texts. I really bothers me, and the longer it goes on, the more anxious I feel. Going through that right now. She's been gone since Saturday morning, and won't call me. I've asked several times, and sent many wordy texts as my anxiety increases. She sent a text earlier that was sweet, but then has been ignoring me for a couple of hours. Still hasn't called. I know she's talking with her daughter, and they're (daughter and boyfriend)having some personal problems, but feel really let down that my GF isn't calling.
I'm trying not to be upset. Again I don't know if my expectations are wrong. I just can't imagine being gone for almost two days and not talking for even 5 minutes.

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The solution to that would be not to travel apart again. People in healthy, emotionally integrated, affair proof marriages don't spend the nights apart.

But I am very concerned about some of your ideas about marriage because they will harm your marriage and you will end up divorced again. Are you familiar with Marriage Builders?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: JNL
As far as friends of the opposite sex, she works with mostly men, and has for a very long time. She says she relates to them better. I feel we are pretty good with that t scenario.


She is personal friends with her coworkers? Is she planning on eliminating her opposite sex friendships once you are married? You DO understand that is how all affairs start, right?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: JNL
I have a history of letting my imagination run wild, and conjure up all of these weird feelings of jealousy. I am struggling with weather I am over reacting again or there is something to this behavior. My last marriage ended because of an affair (hers not mine). Early in my current relationship, my GF was at her house with a male guest.


This should be a huge red flag for you. Affairs begin when a married person has opposite sex friendships and discusses her marriage/relationship with that person. Jealousy is a normal reaction to a threat to marriage. I think you can recognize the threat here.

Will she be willing to eliminate her opposite sex friendships and agree to never discuss your relationship with anyone other than you? If she won't, you will have big problems in the future.

The Risk of Opposite Sex Friendships

Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
Anything that takes one spouse away from the other overnight is an invitation for an affair. But when an opposite-sex co-worker tends to join a spouse on business trips, red flags should be flying in all directions. Any evidence that this relationship is anything more than pure business is, from my perspective, a gigantic clue that an affair might be in progress. That's also the case if a spouse and opposite-sex co-worker spend a great deal of time working together.

We are all wired to have an affair. We can all fall in love with someone of the opposite sex if that person meets one of our emotional needs. If you don't think it can happen to you because of your conviction or will-power, you are particularly vulnerable to an affair. And if you think your spouse would never have an affair, you are also vulnerable.

Look what happened to poor Kathy Lee Gifford. She stated publicly and wrote in one of her books that she trusted her husband completely, that he would never cheat on her. But she should not have trusted her husband. If she would have taken the steps she is now taking to help him avoid another affair, the first would never have taken place, and she would have avoided all its pain and embarrassment. I don't trust my wife completely and she doesn't trust me, and that's why neither of us have ever had an affair. Lack of trust does not make spouses paranoid and miserable, it makes their marriages safe.


Check out this thread: Traveling


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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In addition to MelodyLane's questions, was your GF married before and how did it end if she was?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: JNL
We talk a lot about her independence. She says it's hard for her but she is willing to keep moving foreword.


What does this mean? Is she willing to have an integrated marriage with you, or not?

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Originally Posted By: JNL
As far as friends of the opposite sex, she works with mostly men, and has for a very long time. She says she relates to them better. I feel we are pretty good with that t scenario.


You are being very naive about this. You feeling like you are 'pretty good' with this scenario is the same as you saying you are A-OK with a scenario that is setting your wife up for an affair. Are you really ok with this?

I can't for the life of me understand how someone who has already had a marriage end due to infidelity would 'feel pretty good' about his wife having a bunch of opposite sex friends who she discusses relationship issues with...

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Originally Posted By: unwritten
I can't for the life of me understand how someone who has already had a marriage end due to infidelity would 'feel pretty good' about his wife having a bunch of opposite sex friends who she discusses relationship issues with...


x2

I would put any wedding plans on hold. That you have told your GF (more than once) you are bothered and even get anxious by her behavior/lack of communication shows a lack of care on her part. A good marriage is one of extraordinary care and protection.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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JNL,
You are wise to post here. Obviously your fiance's behavior has you concerned or wouldn't have shared your concerns. Listen to the readers here. They're points are right on target. Learn Marriage Builders principles and apply them to your relationship. If she isn't willing to give up her independence and make you feel safe, then you should find someone else who will.

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Personally from my dating experience I don't see it as a red flag. Sure that's how affairs can develop but that doesn't mean it WILL develop, or that it's a certainty. At the end of the day we all have a choice. I've had the exact same experience you've had with a cheating spouse, but in reality my girlfriend wasn't doing anything despite my paranoia. I knew logically, but couldn't cope emotionally. Thankfully I pushed through and didn't rely on her to change her behavior to make me feel better.

It sounds to me that your girl is feeling a little smothered and needs time to herself which explains why you don't hear from her.

Though she isn't making the problem any easier by ignoring you and fueling your fear fire and paranoia. That shows me she lacks a bit of compassion for you and your situation, or she's burned out on trying to make you feel better.

It may be better to hold off on marriage until you can get past the fear of being cheated on. I've had a hell of a time with the paranoia myself, so I definitely understand.

In the meantime just watch her closely. Looks for facts and not possibilities. Sometimes reality isn't what's in our heads.

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Ed, please start your own thread and tell us what your situation is and your marital history.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: KungFuEd
Personally from my dating experience I don't see it as a red flag.


Ed, certainly these are red flags, and Dr. Harley would certainly agree. Please don't go telling people otherwise, and also please don't go bringing up threads that are months old where the people who asked the questions aren't even around any more.

Did you read the Basic Concepts when you signed up?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Quote:
Sure that's how affairs can develop but that doesn't mean it WILL develop

And once in a million, someone might be able to play chicken with a train and win.

Have you read about Dr. Harley's extraordinary precautions, and why they are vital to marriages?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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Whoa!

Though your words are sort of polite, I feel I'm being attacked.

I'm not liking the negative vibe of this place.

Bye.

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Do you have full transparency with your wife, KungFu?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband


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