My ex WH was in a car accident last night.
We have 2 children (17 & 20)
Hospital contact me because they couldn't get ahold of the kids.
We have been in Plan B for 3 years. No verbal contact. No physical contact. only email and text when necessary.
What is my role here, besides to be a supportive mom to my kids.
The 17 year old has a relationship with him. The 20 year old does not.
Any advice? Torn between being compassionate and feeling vindication. Terrible and I hate myself for it. But trying to be honest.
Wondering if anyone has contacted his family??? They haven't spoken to me in the 3 years since he walked out and I went into plan B. the OW was in the crash with him and is also hospitalized. Had a call from her aunt who gave me an update to pass on to our children.
Do I push pause on Plan B?

If he is still with OW, continue to wash your hands of him. You have no role, and no responsibility here.

Out of interest: what do you think you could do?

Well, if her aunt contacted you, then she can contact his family. You aren't responsible in any way. If any type of contact would set you back, I would avoid it. He fired you as his wife, so you have no obligations to him whatsoever. Your feelings are natural, so don't beat yourself up over them. The fact that it is causing you turmoil would suggest that you shouldn't be in contact with him or his family, though.

How did it go from this, your last post before today,


...to this?

Also, I see you are actually divorced now. When did that happen?

Its been 3 years, it went form that to this very quickly.
his decision not mine.
he did quit his job and went nc.(march'13 (so he said))
then he left. (april'13)
he wasnt trueful (go figure)
then he stayed single and dated others for about a year until he and OW got together again.
not my problem anymore except for how it effects my kids.
which is not good.

and yes....nmwb77.... i think your right, if im troubled by this maybe its better to just stay plan b.
Im great at playing taxi.... to get the kids to and fro.....

SugarCane:
I was struggling with taking some burden off my 17 year old.
He's pretty shaken up about it and if i could aliviate that in any way i would. It feels like an awfully big responsiblity for him to take on.
I have also had no contact with his side of the family since he left. Their choice as well, but i dont' wish them any ill will.
If it were me and he had the information I do? I would want him to at least let my family know.

SugarCane:
we have been divorced since Oct'15

His family will find out. Surely the OW's aunt has their contact info if she has the ex's (your) contact info. Support your son. Tell him you're sorry for the situation. Be there for him to talk to. But I don't see any reason for you to have to get involved with the ex or his family.

Agree with nmwb77, your role should be limited to a support role of your son.

Thank you all for your quick responses.
I agree and find it very helpful for your support.

My son texted his father from my phone last night, hoping to get some information from someone, she has his phone. She tried texting him back on his line, but his phone is unreliable. So she called me. She also had some gruesome news not fit to be sent in a text and thought it would be better coming from his mother. I appreciate her taking the time to do that for him.

The hospital can handle notifications of needed. There is a social worker specifically for that purpose. Don't worry about it. They already know.

The problem with this kind of thinking is....where does it end? You both (you and the family member/s) could continue with contact using this idea indefinitely while your ex H recovers or whatever happens now.

Your children can communicate directly with the aunt, and honestly, the information they receive is going to be difficult no matter who tells them - I don't think hearing bad news from you makes the situation any better.

The only problem I see here is that this is the OW's aunt.
My son doesn't want to talk to her. And he has already stated he has no intention of getting into a car with OW family to drive the hour it gets to the hospital to see him. Chaulk it up to being 17 maybe? and alot of unresolved issues.
And I personally don't want any more information. I have too much already. My ex has no family here so my son has no support other than myself and his sibling (who doesnt talk to the WH).
I hate that he may be struggling talking to either of us about what he should or should not do.
Trying to be supportive of him, while at the same time say thats your dad, lets go....everything/everyone else be damned.
I do see your point though, and maybe I will suggest the aunt has nothing to do with anything else, she's just passing on info and hopefully he can text her to find out what he needs to know.
An additional problem, well maybe not even a problem. My son asked that I call the hospital to find out some info. He didnt feel comfotable himself. And I did. telling him before hand that it would just be general info they would release over the phone.

I think you're doing good. You seem to be handling it appropriately so far!

Thank you! Im trying to stay impartial becuase to me no conflict is best.

I appreciate the problem with OW's aunt and your son not wanting to communicate with her.

However, I don't see why your son cannot communicate directly with the hospital. He is his father's next of kin, after all. He can surely get as much information as is available.

And there must be another way of his getting to the hospital, other than to travel with OW's family. When my father (divorced from my mother) had a stroke when I was 19, I had to find a way to see him (several miles outside London) - my mother did not drive, and neither would I have asked to her drive me to see the ex husband who had been unfaithful to her. I took a train, then a bus to the hospital. It was more than an hour away, too.

I think you're making this much harder than it needs to be. If your son wants information, and wants to see his father, he is old enough to be able to find a way to make that happen without asking you to do things that bring the affair in front of your face.

Maker sure you're not considering this because you actually want the opportunity to see or talk to your H yourself, and find out what has been going on with the affair.

"Only email and text when necessary" isn't Plan B, by the way.

In Plan B, you use an intermediary to send urgent messages.

It's ridiculous to think that his family does not already know.

I think you're reaching out for reasons to be in contact again. I don't know why you would want that, given that he is still in his affair, and the family treated you as appallingly as they did.