|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Great post, JenDee! Thanks for weighing in.
I want to emphasize another point, Caroleena, and that is if there is something your H enjoys MORE than your company, he should eliminate it. You should not be competing with another leisure activity. You should work hard until you are his FAVORITE leisure activity. Once you are his favorite social partner, he won't want to do things without you. When my H and I are asked out we usually ask ourselves: would we rather be alone with each other or go out with our friends? The answer is almost always the former. We are not too willing to give our time alone.
Another great point that JenDee made is that since we have an agreement to NEVER do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of the other, my H does not feel pressured to do anything. As such, he feels much more comfortable in some social settings. He also knows that when either one of us wants to leave, we will leave.
Agree very much that introversion is not disabling. It is a very normal personality trait.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 56
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 56 |
I appreciate everyone taking the time to speak to me. I am feeling very overwhelmed and depressed right now. I will do some more exploring of the site and thinking of what to do next when I am feeling a little less exhausted and less like a loser. Again, thank you for your feedback and I hope when I am feeling a little better I will be able to sort through all this.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I appreciate everyone taking the time to speak to me. I am feeling very overwhelmed and depressed right now. I will do some more exploring of the site and thinking of what to do next when I am feeling a little less exhausted and less like a loser. Again, thank you for your feedback and I hope when I am feeling a little better I will be able to sort through all this. You are not a loser!! Please think it all over and come back. We can help you create a great marriage. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I appreciate everyone taking the time to speak to me. I am feeling very overwhelmed and depressed right now. I will do some more exploring of the site and thinking of what to do next when I am feeling a little less exhausted and less like a loser. Again, thank you for your feedback and I hope when I am feeling a little better I will be able to sort through all this. We all get it. Most of us began posting here while our spouses were in the throes of an affair and we were barely able to get out of bed. You can feel overwhelmed, depressed and still read the site. I know because I did it! Also please keep in mind that the way many of "support" posters that are reluctant to follow the advice is to deliver 2x4s. Patting people on the back while they wring their hands or want to blog about their situation while doing nothing is kind of a common thing we see. 2x4s often are the only thing to help people out of their "fog".
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
And I would appreciate answers to my questions, please
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 56
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 56 |
Anything else I should be doing? Yes, you should be snooping on your husband. There are many things about your story that show the first steps of an EA....his lying by omission by not telling you about the emails (until you asked), deleting their communications without being transparent about them, talking about needing friends (this is the start to gaslighting you into believing that it is totally rational for him to have this person as a 'friend')... Affairs are addictions. This may just be at the attraction stage, but that addictive nature is already present. It is very possible that he is drawn to further communication, even though he knows it would bother you. And of course next time, he would likely hide it more than he did the first time. The only way to know for certain if he has or not is to snoop on him. Privacy does not really exist in good marriages, by the way. I welcome my spouse to look at my phone, email, or anything he wants to at any time. I welcome the opportunity to show that I am trustworthy, and calm him if he were to have any suspicions. If your husband does not feel the same this is another red flag. Did he delete those emails? If so I missed that. Since I have known him (10 years), he has always deleted emails after reading, so nothing new there. So do I, actually. It is a compulsion to keep things as clean and streamlined as possible that we both share.It makes absolutely no sense to me that you would not check the emails. I remember my sister being suspicious and telling me to snoop and I felt uneasy about it because I remember thinking to myself, oh no, he would NEVER do anything like that...but as soon as I knew there were, in fact, communications with another woman I had no problem checking. I wanted to know exactly what was going on. I don't get the reluctance - you are posting in SAA so you seem to acknowledge that your H was crossing some lines. Would you prefer not to know how far this got? Don't you think it's important to verify that the contact as, in fact, stopped? I have been checking (with a real sense of discomfort, but I have been doing it), and it appears to have stopped. And according to my SIL, the woman has now been texting her husband, asking him questions like "does it bother your wife that we communicate?" So apparently she is casting a wide net in that social circle
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 56
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 56 |
I appreciate everyone taking the time to speak to me. I am feeling very overwhelmed and depressed right now. I will do some more exploring of the site and thinking of what to do next when I am feeling a little less exhausted and less like a loser. Again, thank you for your feedback and I hope when I am feeling a little better I will be able to sort through all this. We all get it. Most of us began posting here while our spouses were in the throes of an affair and we were barely able to get out of bed. You can feel overwhelmed, depressed and still read the site. I know because I did it! Also please keep in mind that the way many of "support" posters that are reluctant to follow the advice is to deliver 2x4s. Patting people on the back while they wring their hands or want to blog about their situation while doing nothing is kind of a common thing we see. 2x4s often are the only thing to help people out of their "fog". 2x4s don't work with me. They make me feel defeated and like not even bothering to try. Colors my whole outlook on everything (not just that situation, but EVERYTHING) and sends me down the rabbit hole of extreme depression.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842 |
If you are struggling that much, you should see a doctor
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[
2x4s don't work with me. They make me feel defeated and like not even bothering to try. Colors my whole outlook on everything (not just that situation, but EVERYTHING) and sends me down the rabbit hole of extreme depression. The soft approach does not work either, my friend. You have been here for 8 years and have made absolutely no improvement because you have not educated yourself in this program. Do you really want to improve your marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I agree that it sounds like you may need AD's and to see your doctor.
Last edited by SusieQ; 04/20/16 11:21 AM.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
255
guests, and
64
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
