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Erastis Offline OP
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Questions:

1) What is the forum policy for a person posting on their spouse's thread? If I have missed this info somehow, please point me to where it was as there may be other relevant info that I also missed. If this is prohibited completely, could you offer an explanation of how this fits into the concepts of partnership and oneness that Harley speaks of?

2) Could you explain how discussion of marriage topics which would seem to me to be of a highly personal nature between unmarried cross gender posters does not qualify as intimate conversation under MB concepts? I am not clear on this, and why it is OK for this to take place on the forum.

Thanks

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Erastis, I don't think there's a policy per se about spouses posting on each other's threads, but it is always advised that spouses have separate threads when they first arrive. It's what was advised to me and my wife when we first came here in 2010.

As far as intimate conversation, I think the number one thing keeping conversation from being intimate here is lack of privacy. You'll notice that private messages are disabled on this board, and that's so for a very serious reason. Also, you'll notice that people here aren't trying to fill your love bank since they aren't married to you, and thus won't shy away from criticism where they feel it is necessary.

That said, I think somebody could still fall in love even on the board if the conversation were of a nature of "having your back," i.e., expressing empathy and telling you what a bad guy your spouse is, etc. But you'll find that's not what happens: instead people focus on coaching you, telling you what you can do better and what you are doing poorly, according to the Marriage Builders concepts. That's going to bother you rather than make love bank deposits.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Erastis Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: markos
it is always advised that spouses have separate threads when they first arrive. It's what was advised to me and my wife when we first came here in 2010.


Would you please clarify "when they first arrive"? I was notified via an abrupt thread split. It would be nice if I could be advised at this time on how things are expected to work from this point on - when it is acceptable, to what extent, etc.

Originally Posted By: markos
As far as intimate conversation, I think the number one thing keeping conversation from being intimate here is lack of privacy.


After witnessing the many love units deposited into my wife's love bank by other men through conversations she had in public settings that were acceptable by the world's standards, that answer is a bit hard to chew on. I respect your opinion and experience, though. It still seems to me that this may be a compromise in participating in this forum and that I need to be on guard in this area.

IF it appears that a man replies on my wife's thread and is meeting an emotional need, what do you advise as a proper response? (What is the forum's position on this?)

I suppose one challenge on this forum is how to be positive without depositing LU. To me, there are a considerable number of posts that appear to be unnecessarily negative in the name of being helpful, and also seem to violate the concept of basic respect from one human being to another. I would like to know if there are ways to speak truth in love, which is often painful but never malicious, without depositing LU. Thoughts?

Thanks

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Originally Posted By: Erastis
Thoughts?
Yep. Knock it off.

You are neither smarter, more insightful, or more sophisticated than countless other waywards who have waltzed in here and tried this same tactic. It won't work for you, either.


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Originally Posted By: Erastis
2) Could you explain how discussion of marriage topics which would seem to me to be of a highly personal nature between unmarried cross gender posters does not qualify as intimate conversation under MB concepts? I am not clear on this, and why it is OK for this to take place on the forum.

Your question suggests that the MB forum should not allow the discussion of marriage topics between people of the opposite sex. Is that what you're getting at?


BW
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Originally Posted By: Erastis
1) What is the forum policy for a person posting on their spouse's thread? If I have missed this info somehow, please point me to where it was as there may be other relevant info that I also missed. If this is prohibited completely, could you offer an explanation of how this fits into the concepts of partnership and oneness that Harley speaks of?

The explanation I have seen is that, when in the past spouses posted on each other's threads, they argued with each other. The thread degenerated into a "yes you did" ..."no I didn't" scenario.

This is the case with "help" threads - where a spouse needs help with a problem in the marriage. It isn't necessarily true on a lighter thread, for example in the Other Topics forum, or if a thread discusses one of Dr Harley's concepts, like Undivided Attention. If one spouse starts a thread asking how a couple with young children can achieve 15 hours per week of UA time out of the home, for example, it would not necessarily be disruptive for the other spouse to join in, and I have not seen a spouse told to leave a thread such as that.

However, if a thread on UA (or any other concept) turned into one where the second spouse joined in and began complaining about the first spouse's behaviour, they would be encouraged to create separate threads, rather than argue with each other on the thread.

The culture here is that we encourage people to post for help with the concepts. When they post, they are encouraged to read Dr Harley's own words, and listen to the radio show, with the aim of learning how to resolve their own conflicts. We do brainstorm ideas snd make suggestions, but mainly, we encourage people to learn how to apply MB for themselves. And since that's what we do, we find it unproductive for spouses to disagree with each other, and argue about the facts, or about each other's motivations and feelings.

In fact, it occurs to me now that what we do on the public forums is an extension of what Dr Harley and the coaches do for spouses on the online programme. Dr Harley rarely counsels spouses together in the same place. He does it sometime on the radio show, but, having done the online programme myself, I don't think he does it there. Each spouse fills in the initial forms separately (the EN questionnaire, etc), and then fills in and submits the weekly lesson charts separately. Each spouse speaks to their coach separately, in the initial phone call. If one spouse sends an email to their coach, this isn't automatically copied to the other spouse.

Dr Harley has explained that he finds it unproductive to coach spouses together, because they argue. We have found the same thing.

"Don't post on each other's threads" is not written down in the Terms of Service, and therefore it is not an official policy. It is not actually against the TOS. I have only ever seen experienced posters helpfully advise newcomers not to do it, for the reasons I have given.


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FYI This forum is action oreinted. Unlike most boards, we discourage blogging; it is a time-waster.( If you follow MB , you are usually too busy to blog.)This is partly why you are getting these sort of responses- we are trying to figure out what you want to fix. Then we can advise you properly according to MB. (We also find debating semantics annoying--time wasted. )

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Lol, we are too direct to make many LB deposits.


I reiterate, what is your question? Is there a problem with which you need help?

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Originally Posted By: Erastis
Originally Posted By: markos
it is always advised that spouses have separate threads when they first arrive. It's what was advised to me and my wife when we first came here in 2010.


Would you please clarify "when they first arrive"? I was notified via an abrupt thread split. It would be nice if I could be advised at this time on how things are expected to work from this point on - when it is acceptable, to what extent, etc.


It's really not that big a deal. You haven't done anything wrong, and you aren't being punished or reprimanded. The mods just did a little cleanup to redirect the discussion, is all.

You are really, really defensive. I like to say that if you are defending yourself, it's a good clue you are being defensive. wink Unfortunately, being defensive won't serve you well.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Quote:
It's really not that big a deal. You haven't done anything wrong, and you aren't being punished or reprimanded. The mods just did a little cleanup to redirect the discussion, is all.

And you're not being asked to do anything that the rest of us weren't asked to do, either.


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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"After witnessing the many love units deposited into my wife's love bank by other men through conversations she had in public settings that were acceptable by the world's standards, that answer is a bit hard to chew on. I respect your opinion and experience, though. It still seems to me that this may be a compromise in participating in this forum and that I need to be on guard in this area."

We are not socializing here, though. We are discussing Marriage Builders concepts in a public setting. It is a much safer environment than even marriage counseling, because it is public to the whole forum.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote:
I pressured and emotionally manipulated my wife to have sex with other men to satisfy my lust.

Have you told Dr. Harley about this?


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted By: Erastis
After reviewing other posts and my original post, I realize that I have made a mistake. In my ignorance, I posted insensitively. I assumed some things about the forum that are wrong. In sharing things that were truly heartfelt, I ironically violated at least three attributes of the Godly love I was trying to speak from. I apologize for that mistake and for the hurt that my insensitivity caused. It has resulted in some valuable feedback in an area which I still need work.


I think you need to quit falling all over yourself apologizing. The forum rules and the ways people will tell you to post are there because they HELP YOU and your wife, not because other people are hurt by you missing them.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Erastis,

You are the initiator for the outside sexual activity in your marriage - you are the wayward/unfaithful one. You need to quit validating your wife's impression that she had an affair. You are the one who had the affair. Recall that when she questioned you on whether this was right or wrong, you told her the responsibility was on you. So take responsibility. Your marriage has suffered from YOUR sexual infidelity.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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