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The only problem I see here is that this is the OW's aunt.
My son doesn't want to talk to her. And he has already stated he has no intention of getting into a car with OW family to drive the hour it gets to the hospital to see him. Chaulk it up to being 17 maybe? and alot of unresolved issues.
And I personally don't want any more information. I have too much already. My ex has no family here so my son has no support other than myself and his sibling (who doesnt talk to the WH).
I hate that he may be struggling talking to either of us about what he should or should not do.
Trying to be supportive of him, while at the same time say thats your dad, lets go....everything/everyone else be damned.
I do see your point though, and maybe I will suggest the aunt has nothing to do with anything else, she's just passing on info and hopefully he can text her to find out what he needs to know.
An additional problem, well maybe not even a problem. My son asked that I call the hospital to find out some info. He didnt feel comfotable himself. And I did. telling him before hand that it would just be general info they would release over the phone. I appreciate the problem with OW's aunt and your son not wanting to communicate with her. However, I don't see why your son cannot communicate directly with the hospital. He is his father's next of kin, after all. He can surely get as much information as is available. And there must be another way of his getting to the hospital, other than to travel with OW's family. When my father (divorced from my mother) had a stroke when I was 19, I had to find a way to see him (several miles outside London) - my mother did not drive, and neither would I have asked to her drive me to see the ex husband who had been unfaithful to her. I took a train, then a bus to the hospital. It was more than an hour away, too. I think you're making this much harder than it needs to be. If your son wants information, and wants to see his father, he is old enough to be able to find a way to make that happen without asking you to do things that bring the affair in front of your face. Maker sure you're not considering this because you actually want the opportunity to see or talk to your H yourself, and find out what has been going on with the affair. Your absoutely right, he can take a bus, find a cab, ask a friend. I have even told him I would be more than happy to take him there myself. I can drop him off, he can stay as long as he likes and I'll go grab a coffee. I do not want the opportunity to talk to H myself. I've come this far and don't need or want any set backs in my own recovery or life for that matter. Only trying to support my son while not involving myself and asking guidance for that. Upon reading this I will explain to him that he is more than capable of getting the information on his own. I'll even give him a list of numbers he can call.
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Wondering if anyone has contacted his family??? They haven't spoken to me in the 3 years since he walked out and I went into plan B. It's ridiculous to think that his family does not already know. I think you're reaching out for reasons to be in contact again. I don't know why you would want that, given that he is still in his affair, and the family treated you as appallingly as they did. I was only thinking about that side of my sons family because it has an impact on him. For example: if they fly in, my son can use them as support and for him to get the information he needs.
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I was only thinking about that side of my sons family because it has an impact on him.
For example: if they fly in, my son can use them as support and for him to get the information he needs. You wondered whether anybody had contacted them - as if perhaps you should do that. My point is that of course they already know.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I was only thinking about that side of my sons family because it has an impact on him.
For example: if they fly in, my son can use them as support and for him to get the information he needs. You wondered whether anybody had contacted them - as if perhaps you should do that. My point is that of course they already know. Maybe Not that I should but maybe my son should get into contact with them.
Last edited by BS37NF; 04/19/16 12:31 PM.
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Hi All,
Just wanted to give an update.
ExWH is finally in some sort of recovery from his injuries
After a week of driving my son back and forth (an hour each way) it seems he is no longer touch and go which ExWH has been since the accident on Monday.
Some tension between my son and I as I try to set boundaries on transporting him whenever he would like. He told me I was being selfish and making him feel quilty for not wanting to take him by his fathers to pick him up some stuff. I tried to explain the way it made me feel to go there and that it wasn't healthy for either of us. But I'm currently the bad guy. Not sure if this is all Mom vs Dad stuff or normal teenage agnst. Maybe a bit of both.
My ExWH gets my son (my daughter hasn't spoken to him in approx 2 years) on tuesday nights for 4 hours and an overnight stay fri-sat which he hasn't taken advantage of for the past year. My son doesn't like to stay there and thats his choice. So he's basically spent more time with my son in the last week than he has over the past year. My son refused to spend any time with OW. His father chose her over him at christmas. He's chosen her over him many many times, each time showing his true colors to my son and I could physical see his heart harden toward him. A terrible thing for a mother to watch as it's still his dad, but somewhat gratifying knowing that he was starting to know how to protect himself and create his own boundaries.
Now all of a sudden because the OW was in the accident as well they are at the same hospital and "in Love" so spending any time together that they can weather or not my son is there.
My son gets to sit at his fathers bedside with the OW and I can literally do nothing about it without coming off as the crazy mom. He says he doesn't care anymore. That it doesn't bother him.
I have no family here. My father is visiting from out of town and stayed the week to help me out a bit. His car broke down (after 10 years of no problems) and we had to be towed (an hour) after delivering my son to the hospital.
I have also recieved coutless text/emails/phone calls regarding ExWH condition. People come out of the woodwork when there is a tragedy. I basically wrote myself a response to avoid losing my S@#$ everytime the phone beeped. "He and I are no longer together. We divorced last year. I have no information for you"
One small consolation is that my daughter left for vacation on the weekend and my son goes soon. Then I'm locking myself in and having a mini-vacay alone.
Last edited by BS37NF; 04/25/16 07:35 AM.
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Does anyone have any experience with support payments after an illness or accident?
His family is already soliciting money to cover accodimation costs so I'm afraid that the support I rely on will be effected at some point.
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Does anyone have any experience with support payments after an illness or accident?
His family is already soliciting money to cover accodimation costs so I'm afraid that the support I rely on will be effected at some point. Do you have a lawyer? Have you asked them?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Look at your budget and see if there is anything you can do to cut costs now.before you must. And of course, check with your attorney.
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Does anyone have any experience with support payments after an illness or accident?
His family is already soliciting money to cover accodimation costs so I'm afraid that the support I rely on will be effected at some point. Do you have a lawyer? Have you asked them? I do and I have. They have basically told me to be patient. That it does me no good to rush into court if he doesn't pay support after being in an accident. It only serves to make me look insensitive.
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You cannot expect any payments at this time, he is unable to work or provide them.
At this point in time, it is also best that your kids (or kid) be able to be around him and the OW. You are divorced, they need to not take sides.
I would plan to move keep moving on, like you were, but without CS payments. They will dry up eventually.
And I understand your early concerns about if his family knew or not. You do care about him as a person, not necessarily as a H.
It is human nature.
Take care.
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At this point in time, it is also best that your kids (or kid) be able to be around him and the OW. You are divorced, they need to not take sides. How in the world would it be best for her kids to be around their dad's adultery partner? Most children do not accept their parent's adultery partner and Dr Harley does not suggest forcing children to see their wayward parents. Kids typically have very strong feelings when there has been an affair. That is a normal reaction.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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because they are divorced. Her son wants to be around his dad. Don't deprive the son or guilt him when he wants to be.
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because they are divorced. Her son wants to be around his dad. Don't deprive the son or guilt him when he wants to be. Ok, but that doesn't mean he has to be around the OW. No child should be forced to do that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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because they are divorced. Her son wants to be around his dad. Don't deprive the son or guilt him when he wants to be. What do you mean by "guilting him?" Who does that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Kids move one. They do not have the same hurt as a betrayed spouse.
Her son said it did not matter to him if the OW was in the room.
By expressing shock and dismay that your child wants to be in the same room as the OW is the same as guilting them. A lot of people do that to their kids.
It is better to accept that the parents marriage did not work out, but still be able to be around the non custodial parent and their partner (providing they are a decent person) and get along with them.
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Kids move one. They do not have the same hurt as a betrayed spouse.
Her son said it did not matter to him if the OW was in the room.
By expressing shock and dismay that your child wants to be in the same room as the OW is the same as guilting them. A lot of people do that to their kids.
It is better to accept that the parents marriage did not work out, but still be able to be around the non custodial parent and their partner (providing they are a decent person) and get along with them. I don't know what you are talking about about when you say she is "guilting" her son for being in the same room. Most children do not accept adultery. They suffer just as much as the betrayed spouse and often want nothing to do with the wayward spouse or the affair partner. Most kids do not choose to be around their parent's adultery partner and there is nothing wrong with that. For those kids it most certainly is not 'better" for them. That is just your personal philosophy and not something Dr.Harley advocates.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Kids move one. They do not have the same hurt as a betrayed spouse.
Her son said it did not matter to him if the OW was in the room.
By expressing shock and dismay that your child wants to be in the same room as the OW is the same as guilting them. A lot of people do that to their kids.
It is better to accept that the parents marriage did not work out, but still be able to be around the non custodial parent and their partner (providing they are a decent person) and get along with them. I don't know what you are talking about about when you say she is "guilting" her son for being in the same room. Most children do not accept adultery. They suffer just as much as the betrayed spouse and often want nothing to do with the wayward spouse or the affair partner. Most kids do not choose to be around their parent's adultery partner and there is nothing wrong with that. For those kids it most certainly is not 'better" for them. That is just your personal philosophy and not something Dr.Harley advocates. I just wanted to say Thank You MelodyLane for saying something here. I just want to make it clear that my kids have always been given a choice to see their father or not. I would like to say I never make them feel guilty for the time they spend with him because that is just unrealistic. I'm positive I'm inserted my own eye roll from time to time much to their dismay. Do I out and out say so? No way! Those are my hurt feeling and I try my best not to let them come across. I am currently being hyper-aware of my words and mannerisms at this time so as not to make this situation worse for my son. I did not express shock and dismay to my son when he mentioned that she is there all the time and he doesn't even care anymore. Here, on this thread, yes, because this is a forum where I can come to get advise on how to deal with those situations. That being said I don't hide my feelings for the OW. I don't want them to spend any time with one of the people who helped to destroy my family. Their father I can't stop them from seeing him. I support my son for putting forth the effort. Until a week ago my son wanted NOTHING to do with her. Neither one of them are "decent" people. They have no remorse, are narcissistic and do not have my sons best interest in mind. Ever. Do I think he is being honest when he says that he doesn't care now? No. I think he has decided to not care and is trying his best because he would rather see her and spend time with his father than not at all. How do I know this? I am his mother....and hes' 17....if he wasn't bothered by it he wouldn't have brought it up. He does not accept the adultry. I don't think He, his sister or myself will ever ACCEPT the adultry. But he loves his dad. Sometimes there is a trade off. He will have to deal with the consequences of his decision at some point. And there is nothing wrong with that either.
Last edited by BS37NF; 04/28/16 09:41 AM.
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[
That being said I don't hide my feelings for the OW. That is exactly the right approach. Here are some comments from Dr. Harley about this subject: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. Q. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
A. Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sadmo, please check your email.
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