Exactly.

That's your answer for all these instances of contact.

So I guess it's plan A for as long as I don't go crazy... too late lol... I'm just concerned about the kids in all of this. They have told her and I both that they want to stay with me. And I'm a fool for feeling bad about leaving with them. But right now, I don't think I'm given much of an option. I am going to stay on plan A for a little while longer... get this place and job taken care of. Just be the best father and husband I can be. Not going to ask for help or even try and talk her out of anything. The timing for plan B will be tough though.

I can't take the abuse any longer. I have asked her to leave, but she wouldn't go. I asked her to go be with him, instead she broke up with him and deactivated her Facebook, but not before telling the world and her father that I am controlling her and forcing her to go or else I will take her kids away. I have stuck to my plan but could not take it anymore. The lies, the hatred, the affair, just everything. I have been doing everything I can to be the best husband and father, yet I am controlling her? These kids are my life and I don't want to lose them! Her father instructed me to give her an uncontested divorce and be as nice as I can about it. I don't want a divorce but I'm afraid it's the only way. She wrote me this when I told her that I only want her happiness and if a divorce will do that then I will. But why do you hate me so much?

U truly want to know why I'm so mean to u? Its because I am back at the same place that I tried so hard to get away from! Now I don't have a place to live except with u. I am being forced to live with u because I have no where else to go! I can't get my own place. Hell I can barely afford to pay my bills! I had a great job but lost it because my heart is too big! I didn't want to be with u then and I still don't want to be with u. I will TRY to be nice to u but I cannot force myself to do so. This is all the anger I had for u, that I held in for so many years. I am sick and tired of u in general! I have been for most of the marriage! I cannot stand u!! And yes u have controlled me for most of the marriage, u may not see it but everyone else did and now I see it too!

I know I spoke of divorce in my last comment. It is still very much an option, just not one I care for. I do love my wife, not emotionally right now, but I do all the same. I know I have the compatibility to turn this around. I know I can provide a happy, safe, and romantic life for us both, but I do get impatient and as much as she brings up the past, I too still have hurt that lingers from not just the affair and everything else that has happened before that. I have admitted that I was never the greatest husband, but the fact is, I feel like the worst at times. Her affair for the most part is over, yet she still loves this guy. I know she misses him too. The only reason she is even with me right now is the fear that I will run off with our kids. I am trying ever so hard to just stay quiet when she wants to talk. She has started secluding herself in her bedroom. She doesn't even come out when the kids are playing with me. In fact she was crying today saying that the kids love me more than her and she hates that I am the happy one. That I have everything and she has nothing. She worked so hard to get away from me that she is right back with the one man she doesn't want. Yes that hurts more than I will let on to, but I kept my mouth shut. I tried to hug her today and told her that I expect her to try and punch me, but I felt I had to do it. She pushed me off. I am the only one cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids. I don't mind this one bit. But I wonder if she feels like she is worthless because she doesn't have anything to do?

My credit has been destroyed during this whole process of not having a job and depression. Now as I am trying to find a place in the city where we are moving, no one is willing to let us rent. This is also a sore area for her. She has offered to help with the credit area and her name on the lease... yet everywhere I turn, we both have to submit our credit and we are weighed the same. So it's tough. Seems like we may have to live in a trailer park so I can build my credit. This will not be favorable in her eyes. Nothing right now is favorable. I know I need to start depositing Love units but there is so very little I can even do, or am allowed to do. So I basically make the kids laugh and have a great time and hope she is paying attention. Baby steps are all that I know of to do right now.

I am almost positive that the contact between the two has broken off. I am watching the texts she gets and calls and social media has been deleted. The GPS shows her going to work and home. I think it's really strange that when I asked her to go back to him, she breaks up with him. She is more convenced now that divorce and getting her own place is the only way she will ever be happy. I am doing EVERY THING to keep my mouth shut. Pointers on deposits would be very appreciated right now. Keep in mind, there is not a lot she will let me do or that I can afford.

Will she go out on dates with you?

How is the job hunt going? Have you found an AD that works for you? Have you re-read SAA the story of Sue and Jon?

What can you do to make love bank deposits?

If you do not have a job, finding one is priority number one.

I start my new job Monday I'm hoping this will be the turning point

I asked her if she would come in here and start a thread to tell her side of the story. As expected, she didn't want to. When I start working and I figure out the living situation, I'd like to start asking her out on dates. Something casual to start off with. She like fishing, so that is also something I try and do often. I know anything I try to do right now is going to be viewed negatively in her eyes. She is in withdrawl from the OM right now, but I am hoping after the move it will get better.

Today was a great day. My wife's mood was pretty good. I heard her laugh a little and even joked with me some. Still no evidence of her being in contact with OM. I mentioned that the kids and I were going to go look at houses and she actually asked to go. My expectations was that it would have been more of the same, yet she suprise me. Even asked me to sleep in the bed with her (still no contact). I declined, not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. Today was a really good experience and she even started talking about future plans with me. I know tomorrow will be back to the same, but days like today help bring me hope. I have made the mistake of pushing things too far before. So today, I am giving her ample space even though she is inviting. I even took her out to dinner tonight and we were able to laugh and have a good time. I hate the fact that tomorrow will most likely go back to depression. She did decide today to start taking her depression meds.

I don't understand this. If she asked you to sleep with her, and you wanted to, then why wouldn't you? It seems like a disrespectful judgment/mind reading to assume that she'd be uncomfortable. I would be so upset if I finally told my husband okay to join me and he refused. Maybe I'm missing something as far as history here, but it feels like you missed an opportunity to accommodate her.

Next time, if she asks then take her at her word and do it. Could it be YOU who was uncomfortable one?

By sleep with, she meant in the same bed... no contact. But you are right. She kicked me out of it because she was uncomfortable the last time... I did make it very clear that I enjoyed the thought and appreciated the offer. I will have another chance soon. It really didn't feel like she was asking me to join her because she wanted me to. I should have asked her if that's what she wants...

I agree with DQ. If she asks you to join her and you want to then join her.

She asked me again today. Said that her depression meds will knock her out and I'm not going to bother her. I apologized to her this morning and said that I never should have assumed or told her how to feel about this and said that I should have asked first before declining. She wrote back and said thank you for the opologies. But yes it would make me feel uncomfortable. I accepted her offer this time and asked her what her boundries were. No touching and stay on my side.

We had a good conversation tonight. She is opening up to me a little more and actually telling me about her day. I can even see a smile every now and then. I asked her how her depression is. I said it seems like it's a little better but I'm on the outside and I truly don't know but would love to hear. She said not really better, just internalizing her feelings. It feels like she is bottling them up again. I asked her not to and to talk to me about them. She said she would hurt my feelings and that she still doesn't want to be here. She is excited about the future. I was aproved for a great house and property and we are moving in Wednesday. It's within my budget with plenty left over to save and have some recreational activities. My future is looking up even if she does want to leave. She is so stuck on wanting to move out on her own like sue. Im wondering if that would be best? At least she will taste what it's like not having me take care of her? Not trying to be rude.

Follow the plan. Feelings follow actions.

I'm trying to understand this. So follow the plan... Continue plan A, be the best at being a husband and father... ie. Maintain house and kids, sneak in an EM when I can or when she'll let me, listen to her and STOP TRYING TO FIX EVERYTHING!!! Manage finacials and prove responsibly over bills. Never demand, judge, or have angry outburst. Try to remove the annoying habits (know it all, fix everything, assumptions). Am I close?


Feelings follow actions? Kinda lost on that. Do you think she's starting to have feelings again or because she is talking to me again, that her feelings are being bottled up? She said that the only reason she is here is to be with her kids. That she still doesn't want to be here. Did not ask her this but she told me when I asked her how she was doing.

Thank you so much!!! Right now it is baby steps and I will take that any day! I am doing EVERYTHING I can to meet her needs and provide the extraordinary care. No Love Busters!!! I see her coming back slowly but I know I have got to keep my wits and not push anything. I have gotten impatient in the past and it caused more setbacks, so i know not to. I see her start to get down, I back off. I try to end every conversation on a good note with a smile and even bow out early if there are signs that she may be starting to get annoyed. We even had a good conversation about our passed son yesterday. That rarely happens. I have told her that when we move into this new house, I do not want her to do everything around the house. I want to come home and have things to do. Cook clean, do laundry... I have even stated that I know you're plan is to move out as soon as you can, but while you're here, I'd like you to decorate and make the house your own till then. Should I keep telling her this? Should I keep bringing up that I know she wants to leave? Or should I start asking her to stay and work this marriage out with me? It seems like her mood is getting better not even mentioning working on us...

Well I figured it would happen. OM texted her yesterday with words of pain and blame... He was using guilt tactics saying that she only went to him to get away from me... people are talking him up. Then last night, the OM got drunk and messaged her an apology and love this and love that. I had her show me the messages. He even said he was going to commit suicide because of her. She did not respond and I am going to push for her to change her number today. This has always been the plan, but she asked that it wait until we move so that the OM doesn't drive over here and try and start something with me. I really could care less if he does, she doesn't want him hurt or in jail either. Again, I could care less about what happens to him. But I'm trying to show her that I care about her feelings. I have set my boundries and they were crossed last night with him messaging her. I did not pass any judgements or tell her what to do. Just listened.