Thanks, Markos. That's helpful!

I just listened to Anger Management 101, which I'd somehow missed before and was full of helpful information. My husband definitely seems to get angry because of feeling disrespected or rejected. Dr. Harley mentioned that the caller should address those feelings, but do you have any suggestions of how he should do that? Most of our arguments started because I'd respectfully (from my perspective) complain about something and he'd get defensive so I'd feel hurt, or he'd tell me I did or felt something wrong using disrespectful judgments and I'd feel hurt and defensive, and then he'd feel doubly disrespected because I'd tell him that I didn't feel the way he thought I did, so he'd start to lose his temper.

Did you listen to all the clips in the anger management thread? I have posted many towards the end of the thread.

Dr. Harley's plan for avoiding angry outbursts involves two aspects.

One aspect is having a plan to try to avoid circumstances that trigger angry outbursts. This would certainly include love busters on the part of one's spouse, or learning to leave conversations that include love busters, etc.

The other aspect, and probably the important one, is relaxation therapy training for those times when triggers cannot be avoided. You and your husband will have to learn how to stay relaxed when something frustrates you and even how to stay relaxed when your spouse does something wrong or does something hurtful. This is certainly not easy, but it is definitely possible. Dr. Harley talks quite a bit about relaxation therapy - be sure to keep listening to those links and reading articles and Love Busters until you find it.


I would suggest that for now after a complaint you promptly end the conversation or move to another subject. That will give you both time to calm down if either of you is getting emotional about the subject. Then you can come back to it later when you are both calm and discuss it again for awhile. Or better still you may find that after you are both calm he simply stops engaging in whatever behavior you were complaining about and no more discussion is necessary. Resist the urge to make him see your point or make him feel what you are feeling or make emphasize/understand/etc. Just pass the information that what he is doing bothers you and give some time for him to decide to do something about it.

I'm making my way through them. Thanks!

OK, thanks! Is timing something I should consider? For example, often when I complain about something, even if I say "it bothers me when...", he immediately gets upset because he thinks complaining is negative and there haven't been enough positive interactions between us, so I'm afraid to complain. I think by "positive interactions" he means affection and/or sex. But I don't want to feel like I need to "butter him up" in order to respectfully make a complaint!

Positive interactions have to wait until the Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, and Angry Outbursts stop.

Nobody can earn an end to SDs, DJs, and AOs by making enough "positive interactions." A person who has demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts is a black hole that can never be filled by "positive interactions" or "meeting emotional needs." They have to KNOCK IT OFF and then positive interactions are possible.

Thanks. That was my understanding as well. So should I stop complaining until his love busters stop? I've already committed to stopping my SDs, and stopping arguing. I'm not even sure whether his getting upset when I complain is a SD, DJ, or AO. I think he sees complaining as a DJ, even if phrased "it bothers me when" (he thinks he reads a subtext of criticism).

Also, how long should I wait to be able to determine that his SDs, DJs, and AOs have permanently stopped? Weeks? Months?

Dr Harley would say:
AO: next one he has-kick him out of the house for a year while he does anger management and can prove for that year that he is safe to live with. This is non-negotiable. Anger kills and stops anyone from having any kind of real relationship.

The DJ and SD, write down each and every instance and give it to him at the end of the week. When you see that he has stopped for 3-4 months... you are on the right track of having trained yourself out of them.

His getting upset can be a little of all of those depending on what he says and does. Does he yell? Do you feel he has punished you? I need to know more.

It doesn't matter if he thinks your complaining is a DJ. It isn't- as long as you phrase it correctly and then drop it. Dr H does suggest if it is to hard to talk it out, to write it out and then just give it to him as I suggested above.

(hint: if he tears up the paper, or tells you that this is to much or makes any kind of remark like that- Its an AO and DR H would tell you to kick him out immediately. It really is that serious)

Radio Show on Angry Outbursts

How's it going smallpeace?

It's going OK. Thanks for asking. We both feel like things are generally on an upward swing but he's still pretty unhappy and hasn't been able to completely control his AOs and DJs, although they have been less severe. He still agrees that he needs to keep working on eliminating them.

Another thing came up yesterday that has been recurring in our relationship but I hadn't mentioned before on the forum. He said that it seems like I've been getting out of shape and that it really bothers him. I know that he communicated this to me in the appropriate way, but I can't help feeling upset about it (I just said OK and didn't let him know I was upset). I'm 5'9, 135 lbs, and my weight hasn't changed, I still look the same to myself, and my clothes fit the same, I haven't changed my eating or exercise habits. So basically all that was communicated to me was that he doesn't find me attractive right now, but I don't know what I can do about it. PA is one of his top needs, but I feel like he's a little unreasonable about it (I didn't tell him this since it would be a DJ). I feel like asking him to try to refrain from saying anything about my appearance unless it's really obvious, because it just makes me feel unattractive and makes love bank withdrawals. What should I do?

When he has completely eliminated his AOs, you can discuss what exactly he would like as far as your looks. Until then, such a discussion is not safe.

OK, thanks. So until then, how should I handle his complaint? What other discussions should we avoid?

Perhaps suggest exercise or more physically active UA but no weight discussions.

Not judging him, but at 5'9" and 135#, you are closer to underweight than overweight. Is he looking at porn or doctored images of women in mags or TV?

I usually suggest walks or hiking for UA already. His "type" that he's attracted to is very slim. I don't know why, but it's always been that way. He says he doesn't look at porn or mags, but he sometimes comments that he sees me next to other people and compared to them I look out of shape. We also live in a major urban area and he sees a lot of young, beautiful women daily.

He'll kind of go back and forth between telling me how great I look, and complaining that I'm not in shape, but from my perspective I always look more or less the same, and I monitor my weight which is always the same.

I think he is looking at porn/doctored images. Did you put spyware on his computer/phone?

Someone 5'9" and 135 is quite slender.

No. Can you direct me to info about that?

Have you told your husband his angry outbursts have to stop?

When was his last angry outburst?

Yes, I have told him, and he agrees. His last angry outburst was last weekend, but he didn't realize it was an angry outburst until I pointed it out, and he apologized. He's been working on calming techniques. He knows that our job right now is to eliminate love busters.

He's still unhappy, though, so it's hard for him. He told me that he thinks it's not fair that I married him knowing that he had anger problems and now I need him to change, but he just wants me to be the way I was when we got married. He feels like I deceived him.

It takes him a long time to be cheerful again after something upsets him. Even if he's trying to refrain from love busters and is acting relatively calm, he'll sulk and be kind of morose and mean, and that can last for a day or two. I think he just thinks I'm wrong and can't get over it.

He's been having trouble eliminating DJs. He says that he feels the right thing to do is to tell me if he thinks I did something wrong, because it's important for me to know that he thinks it's wrong. I told him Dr. Harley doesn't agree, and he said he didn't care.

On the other hand, we've been having a lot of fun during UA time, have pretty much stopped arguing, and the majority of the time we get along really well. It's like we'll have 1-2 weeks that are really good, and then he'll get upset about something and still doesn't handle it that well, but it's better. I've been working on regulating my emotions too and he agrees that I've gotten better.

In the Operation Investigate forum

I would consider that the equivalent of "tearing up the paper," and I would kick him out immediately.