Our relationship is hopeless. You all have tried to help and the Harleys have tried to help. But we just can�t get rid of the love busters from this relationship and family. I brought up doing MB together Sunday along with a financial issue and from then until this date, things have been tense. Love Bank empty again. It was starting to fill after using POJA on a few issues, getting in UA, and the Harleys helped us work through the job issue. I say can�t get comfortable. We all would be ok if love busters were gone but it�s just not important enough to all of us.

Your relationship isn't hopeless if you each do your part.

Are you doing your part? If not, why not?

You will need these skills regardless if this relationship works or not. Otherwise you'll just end up back here in your next relationship with the same or similar problems.

I feel we both have been trying to do our part and things were going pretty good. However, my hubby still feel there should be exceptions made for love busters. We had an incident with the kids involving AO and he went in with AO but lowered the volume after I called his name and handled it really well.

I listen to the radio show daily and read love busters. Since he had been saying he wanted us to read together I figured since we were doing ok with some things, maybe it was time to ask the question. Sunday�s are not busy so I texted him and asked if he wanted to start back reading together. He said not today because discussions would cause stress. Then I texted about a financial issue and got snappy response. I tried to change subject to our cooking dinner together (which we were doing together at first) but the tension on his part remained.

He didn�t eat dinner with us as a family after working together to get it prepared. Things keep going downhill so I did not try anymore. But I keep getting text all the way to about 11 that night. Disrespectful text. The next day he remained locked in his room and would not respond to text about errands I had to run. Finally around 7 that night he texted about registering the kids for school. I said, after all said Sunday, this is all you have to say. I wanted to discuss what happened. He said after we get the kids registered we would hold conversation. I was called in Tuesday to recertify for another year of work.

Well here we are, Thursday, with no discussion about Sunday. I guess I�ll just have to pretend he did not disrespect me or our relationship with what was said and carry on. The only thing that I can see where I went wrong is that when he said he did not want to discuss MB that meant that he did not want to discuss anything serious or that would cause stress.

From all that you've explained it appears he still doesn't have his anger under control. What is he doing to change that?

There are NO exceptions to Lovebusters. If you experience something that is hurtful it's a Lovebuster. No exception. He doesn't get to decide what adds to your Love Bank and what doesn't.

You can negotiate new ways to handle the situation so that Lovebusters are avoided.

Since I was asked to wait until after we get the kids registered for school, I have not brought up the subject. So are you saying for me not to bring this conflict up? Wait and see if he brings it up? If he does not bring it up, then what?

I just feel more in pain because he is not bringing this up for discussion and has not apologized. Like it never took place.

The only thing he has done so far is listen to a few programs where the Harley�s addressed our questions. I was told by an attorney that they are trying to get an anger management plan in our area.

He has an angry outburst and he's asking you to delay talking about it or he doesn't want to talk about his plan to fix his anger?

Your success will come from you being able to discuss this with him once he's calmed down. That shouldn't take days to happen. You cannot ignore any of his Lovebusters. Taking his abuse will not help. You two are either moving forward or you are stuck. You keep it moving forward by letting him know you won't tolerate lovebuster behavior.

"It kills my love for you when you lose control like you did the other day. I would love it if this type of behavior was eliminated. Is there a plan to do that?".

I'd recommend you ask him what his plan is to fix the anger issue that plagues your M. He's had enough time to figure out a plan and start to execute it. He can apologize, of course, but the apology is only good if he does something to ensure this type of behavior doesn't continue.

It is his responsibility to fix this. Your responsiblity is to keep yourself safe from it and if you want the M to work to ensure it doesn't get swept under the rug. Just be sure you approach him without committing your own lovebusters.

You say the marriage is hopeless. I'd say that's a correct statement if he refuses to find a way to eliminate his lovebusters. Is he really on board?

str22one,

Dr. Harley told my wife that none of our problems could be resolved until I stopped having angry outbursts.

Keep the problem of your husband's angry outbursts on the front burner. Don't wait to bring it up. Let him know that if he wants to stay with you he will have to never have another angry outburst again.

In the meantime, begin preparing for a separation. If your husband eliminates his angry outbursts, you will never have to use those plans, but if he does not, then you will be safe, and he can have his angry outbursts by himself some place else. Either way, you come out ahead.

I wouldn't insist on discussing one particular incident from Sunday - I would insist that angry outbursts must never happen again going forward, if he wants to continue to be with you.

I would separate now, and wouldn't let him live with me again until he has undergone a year of anger management AND has eliminated them completely. I also wouldn't let him home until both he and I have talked to Dr. Harley and Dr. Harley says it's okay to live together again.

AOs can maim and kill. Don't tolerate another one.

I want to respond to my DH text last night which said something like this, "goodnight love enjoyed being together today and looking forward to more."

I feel like that gave me another opening to bring up the suggestions. In another post I will let you know about the first conversation to address additional questions you had for me.

This is the text I would like to send him this morning. I am trying to insure no love busters committed of MY own.

This is my text (Good day darling, ditto on text from last night. Except when you lose control and start being disrespectful, rude, and angry, then I don�t want to be around because I don�t feel cared for and it kills my love for you. I would love it if love busters were gone so we could build real love/romantic love. Can you tell me about your plan to rid this problem?)

This is the text that I would send:
"I love you, but I can't let myself be hurt anymore. I need you to move out and get into an anger management program. I also need you to write Dr. Harley and let him know what's going on, and follow his advice to the letter."

Raise the bar, str22one.

I know separation is the best idea so we don�t lose whatever we have left to salvage in this relationship. I�ve come to think that my DH will never respect me. He says he has never made promises on AO. Don�t talk to him about respect, when I don�t know how to give it. I am trying to change him. Or, if I allow my family, particularly a sister, to disrespect me and I forgive her, why can�t I forgive him.

The thing I worry about with a separation is dragging the kids back and forth between homes or getting in a custody battle because there is no legal separation is our state.

I understand if you all don�t want to help me stay in this relationship. I�m not trying to help myself stay in the kind that I have now as well. I was just trying to learn the skills because as Mr.Alias said, �You will need these skills regardless if this relationship works or not.� Lord knows I need skills.

My DH has so much potential but is just not willing to lay it down forever the one thing I�ve always asked for rid the anger and disrespect.

And we are teaching the skills. One of the skills you need to have is to be able to raise the bar without lovebusting. The text I told you to send does just that.

I am very interested in you saving this relationship. The only way YOU are going to be able to do that with a husband who is unwilling to do the work is to separate until he decides he is going to step up to the plate. Separation will only cause what's going to already happen to happen sooner -- meaning, if he is going to step up and start doing what he needs to do, it will happen sooner. If he's the kind of guy that's just going to brush you off and move on, then it will happen sooner. This will save you more heartache later on.

My state also doesn't have a legal separation. You achieve "legal separation" by filing for divorce, then dragging the divorce out. It's that simple. Talk to a lawyer.

Your kids having to live between two houses is far better for them than having their mother killed because their father couldn't control himself.

The most important skill you need is the skill of not tolerating demands, disrespectful judgments, or anger in marriage. This is crucial. Learn this one now ASAP.

Well Prisca, your message should have been the only one sent instead of adding a portion of your message to the one I was sending.

What I got back were Bible quotes: "Let him who is without sin." "I want let go of things." "How can love busters be gone when I won�t forgive?" "Stop trying to fix him and fix myself."

I said how can I let go when the same things keep happening. I then told him he is correct in saying he will never change so I will have to do it for us both.

Some of my statements may have been judgmental but I was trying to say I accept what he was saying about not being capable of change.

If he wants to play the Bible quote game, you could give him "except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish" or Matthew 3:7-8. But I wouldn't advise it!

Don't tell him you accept this. Tell him you cannot accept this and you can't live with this.

He is very disrespectful to be hurling Bible quotes at you. Don't take my last post seriously - don't hurl them back at him.

No, no, no I don�t accept this and I don�t want to continue living like this because I feel we will continue being young and bitter and then grow old and continue to be bitter.

I didn�t want to argue or be totally disrespectful because it is so easy to go there. I was basically saying I understand and then leaving well enough alone.

Right now, life is being thrown at us left and right. It�s like being in front of a firing squad. Oldest vehicle put us down requiring engine work (over haul we are doing), newer vehicle went down (at dealership for repair), and then of course I�ve developed a toothache requiring oral surgery.

We have enough in savings to cover at least two of these options but not all three. So we decided to get small loan from bank. Once there we learned that my name was not on the membership account so I could not apply for the loan in my name only unless I opened an account of my own. We could apply jointly on loan with no new account.

So the loan officer asked us both if we wanted to proceed as is or open another account. We looked at each other and agreed to proceed without opening another account. However, this morning DH states I�m making all decisions, going back to my old ways, and didn�t step up when needed (loan). So now I want to go back, open up new account, and do loan over. When I asked if this is satisfactory he says he was just calling things to my attention (a valid complaint) and a solution is not required although he feels better keeping the money in his possession. I have the credit and I have the income.

This is very frustrating. My gut is saying to do this so that the bar can continue to be raised but I don�t want to be taking a non-MB approach. I think MB says to correct this complaint but it is now not agreed on how to correct the complaint. I felt disrespected in the word choice.

MB advice please someone.