It's been a very long time since I posted in here. I was not comfortable with the idea of the nuclear exposure for a long time and for a long time, I didn't have any real proof that any affair was even going on.

It was not until June that I got the proof, then the confession (half-assed confession at best... over text - what is this 7th grade? Pass me a note before study hall? Break up after prom? Seriously, it's like dealing with a child-), then... the OW's aunt showed up on my doorstep with all kinds of accusations, and actual verifiable proof of some (seems OW is not just a husband stealer, she's also an identity thief.)

In July, after just too many repeated betrayals, too many repeated lies, too many broken promises and just way too much emotional abuse, I finally had enough and I called their corporate offices, gave a fake name and told them I had information about embezzlement, sexual misconduct, felony invasions of privacy, and HIPPA violations by their staff. That afternoon I had a meeting with 3 key people in their organization and told them everything.

Unfortunately, although the OW (his boss) was 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt guilty, the company I was actually talking to had only just taken over 3-4 months ago, and the actual 'act' had been committed last summer, when it was another company.

In the end, it didn't matter, because within a month of the exposure, they fired her for something else. My husband however, is still there. Perhaps they just haven't gotten anything on him yet to fire him for, so my next step is probably going to be to go their regulators and disclose every HIPPA violation I am aware of so that the regulators can force the company to fire my husband.

I wish I had exposed her sexual harassment of him to the company the day it happened, but I didn't because I knew he would get fired too and I didn't want that.

Now I no longer care. Now that she's lost her job, I'm sure there is already pressure on the relationship, so I'm going to expose the rest of it very soon. I'm working on the document that will expose the truth... then once it's published, I'm going to start contacting everyone on both of their friends and families FB friends list.

I've already talked with his mother who agrees that he is emotionally unhealthy and needs to get help (he exhibits every behavior of an addict.) She did agree to talk to him, but she is no ally to me... even after I told her everything she still said "Well even if they do break up, he is never coming back to you." And she said "I think your marriage is irreparable." I told her that she was crossing boundaries and that was way out of line for her to say.

We haven't talked in a few days though, and whatever she did say, did seem to have some effect because he started doing things that he had refused to do before. Like fixing things around the house. Before when I asked him, I would get "I don't live here." And if I said "Your kids live here," he would accuse me of 'using the kids as leverage.' Now he's all concerned that if he doesn't do things that I'm going to tell everyone what a bad father he is... oh honey, you are doing a great job of that all by yourself.

Regardless, back in July, I had had enough of the mind game and the gaslighting and the financial and emotional abuse and I told him that if he wants the divorce, let's just get it done... suddenly he says "I want legal rights to the kids."

Step-parent adoption? Seriously? We can't do that if we're divorced and that is going to hold us up a year...

Yet, the man is far too stubborn to admit that he misses us and family life.

Then his OW's aunt showed up at my house, instigating things, and for about a week he was extremely protective of the kids and me, telling me he would get her to leave me alone. Then one day I said "I am afraid," and he said "I'm afraid too." I asked "What are you afraid of?" And he said "I'm afraid of losing all of you." Then 5 seconds later, he did a complete 180 and told me that he thinks I'm just being paranoid and he's worried about my mental health.

We had two fairly good months with the last half of May and most of June, then we went back to being very volatile again.

The last time he was here he did some stuff around the house and complained about it but said "The only reason I ain't filed the divorce yet is because of the kids."

Yea, because the stupid piece of paper from the courts is what's going to hurt the kids, not his ABSENCE from the home.

It's like trying to reason with a 2 year old.

But most of my support groups tell me that he isn't filing because he doesn't want the divorce. My guy friends are telling me that he's keeping me on the back burner because he knows it's not going to work with him and OW and he knows I will take him back.

But yes, it is time to put the pressure on that relationship now. It's gone on long enough. I've been patient, I've been kind. He rejects every act of kindness I offer him, he treats me like garbage, and he talks to me like I'm his dog. And I'm not going to tolerate it anymore.

Now he's going to learn that there are consequences for his actions.

I wish I had done this a year ago...

You shouldn't do a trickle exposure. You should expose all at once.

Have you read the exposure thread?

Why aren't you in Plan B?

Are you going to follow MB?

I only decided to expose to his job back in July when the stonewalling reached an epic level of narcissistic abuse and I just couldn't take it anymore.

Back in April we started to make progress. In May, he started attending family counseling sessions with us and our family counselor was trying to 'sneak in' fighting for the marriage under the guise of the 'family counseling' he was there for. But he was too resistant and I have always held firm, and still do, to the belief that the only thing that's going to phase my husband is a Dr. Phil style "Come to Jesus" talk.

In June the aunt showed up and she was definitely helpful in giving me intel I wouldn't have otherwise had, and I've got it all on video too.

During these months, I've been studying infidelity and I found an unfaithful husband-turned counselor, who was saying all of the things that I believe WH really needs to hear...

And in listening to him, I learned that my WH is an addict and is very emotionally unhealthy.

I turned to my MIL for 'intervention.' Not for the purpose of exposing because I was fairly certain she knew about the affair and covered it up too... but I hoped that if I told her about all of his behaviors she might agree that he is emotionally unhealthy and needs to get help. She did agree and did talk to him and he has been a little bit better.

I only decided to expose the affair withing the last day or so and I'm still writing out the story and trying to put it in a 'visual' like a mindmap. (This was on the advice of a coach who told me that sometimes men need to 'see' the picture.)

I have found a local coaching team here, husband and wife, and husband was unfaithful. I believe that talking to someone who has walked in WH's shoes is going to be far more useful than any counseling session.

I'm interviewing them right now to make sure that we agree on the approach and the strategy for breaking through my WH's delusions to get that moment of lucidity where he finally admits he needs help, and then giving him the pathway to get it, which is an intensive 3 day affair recovery workshop, where he will get to meet and talk to the man that I have been following and who I believe really has the right words that my husband needs to hear...

I have no intention of going to Plan B and going No Contact at this time. I will only do that if intervention does not work and at that point, I will just file for divorce and be done with it.

FL2 I'm so sorry to read that your husband's affair is still active.

Why are you not following marriage builders? You don't need some "intervention". You needed an exposure months ago.

When wil you be exposing?

FL2, have you read any of our threads? Your situation is NO different than any of us betrayed wives.

You have messed around with this and allowed time for your husband's affair to become even more enmeshed.

FL2BoysMom, unless you are here to get guidance in the Marriage Builders program, we will be locking this thread. This is not a forum for blogging about marriage problems but a forum to receive help with the MB program. If you are not going to use MB, there is no reason to leave the thread open.

Blindshighted, thank you. Yes, I've read lots of the threads.

The reason I posted was because I wanted to post that I do wish I had exposed it, not just months ago, but the day she threatened not to promote him because I had confronted her about why she was allowing my husband to send her those inappropriate messages. Had I done that, they both would have been fired immediately and there would have been no reason for them to continue contact.

When will I be exposing? As soon as I finish writing out the story and inserting all the screen shots in all the appropriate places. I've already got the links to the profiles of all their FB friends in a spreadsheet... though with her, I can't tell who is friend, who is family, who is most important, etc, etc... and since they both have me blocked on FB (and it appears some of her friends do too,) so I may have to create a whole new Facebook account to be able to reach some of them.

And yes, my husband does need an intervention. Affairs are addictions. And my husband very much is the addictive personality. Affairs are about escaping, and he is escaping. He doesn't want to face the problems in our marriage because he is afraid of having to face the problems within himself.

If you did not attempt intervention, you have no idea if it would have saved you months of grief and pain while you sat in 'no contact' mode. I'm not willing to go to that point without intervention.

And I was never willing to just latch on to the 'one' and only 'expert' that was telling me to 'expose.' Only a fool latches on the first 'advisor' they come across who is telling them what they want to hear. I spent months reading everything I could on infidelity and my decision to expose came after OW's aunt showed up at my house, accused them both of doing drugs, told me about her niece stealing her identity, and told me that the two of them 'strut around like they are the king and the queen and needed to be taken down a notch.' And that is why I exposed. To put them both in their places.

I can see by my husband's behavior that he is very emotionally unhealthy right now. I wouldn't expect one of my children to take care of themselves if they were sick. And he is in a very child like state of mind right now too. So I don't expect him to take care of himself.

Once his mother talked to him, he agreed to go back to counseling, both for the family and for 'us' to work through our emotional garbage.

My husband was abandoned by his mother, left to his abusive father who put him in foster care where he remained for 2 years, was molested, then adopted by his grandparents and given back to his mother who was in her second marriage, she cheated on him because he 'turned 40 and lost his mind' (Had an accident that nearly killed him)... my husband is in CRISIS. I will not 'abandon' him. That would make me no better than him.

Denali- just read this at the very top of this page:

***"This is a community where people come in search of information, support, and encouragement regarding their marriage."***

I posted about my experience with exposure, for the benefit of others who might be struggling with the same decision.

I didn't post to be 'interrogated' about what I was going to do next, if I was going to 'obey' 'commands' to follow tactics that account for no other point of view.

I exposed to the job to take at least SOME of her 'power' over my husband away from her. As long as she was his boss, he couldn't leave her and end the affair and come home, without suffering for it at his job. Now, she is not there so that 'excuse' is gone. I also did it to create 'resentment' between them. She is going to resent him for her losing her job, and he is going to resent her for not working and having to pay her bills for her. And they are both going to see each other's true colors. I also had hoped that he would be fired too, and that that would lead to him not being able to support her, more resentment, and they both see each other's 'true colors.'

Thank you, Fl2BoysMom. In that case, we will be locking this thread. Let me know if you decide to use this program and I will be glad to unlock it.