Hello all, this is my first post having just registered.

Long story short, I've been with my wife for 13 years (but only married since this past July). We married in the aftermath of her finding out about a short term online relationship that culminated in an out of town meet up that coincided with a previously arranged reunion with friends. There was no sex involved though it was anticipated.

Things were going better than they had in many years, communication was good, physicality was as good as the beginning! I had had no contact with the "other" since right after being "found out".

But then...last weekend, my wife was out of town and I thought it must be a great time to share a song with the other. And I really only meant to share the song, not fishing and not really even looking for a response other than "thanks".

Well, the other (who now has a boyfriend that is about to move cross country to be with her...info found out by my wife) responded with three photos, two self portraits and one of boobs. I was shocked and deleted them as quick as I saw them. BUT, my wife, being fresh back from out of town (and having a "gut feeling") did what she hadn't done in months, checked up on my internet usage and found the deleted emails.

My wife contacted both the other and her boyfriend through Facebook, warning the other to stay away and informing the BF. There seemed to be some catharsis there for her for a day or two but then today it hit like a ton of bricks.

I truly had no intent of re-establishing a relationship with the other but innocently thought she would dig this song (even though I had sworn to no contact, yes I f'd up)

Now it seems we are back to ground zero just like the day she discovered the on-line affair.

I love my wife and do not have lingering feelings for the other but there is no explaining my breaking of the no contact law.

Right now she wants nothing to do with me but I know she loves me and we will get through this but....how do I reassure her that this was just a hiccup that will never happen again??

Thanks!

Hi Wayne, welcome to Marriage Builders. Would you agree that talk is cheap? You told her this before and you STILL reached out to your old girlfriend. When you say you "innocently" reached out to your old girlfriend, she knows you are full of crap. There was nothing "innocent" about your inappropriate behavior.

If you want to be taken seriously, I would eliminate your social media, stop having any opposite sex friendships and start taking your marriage seriously. Otherwise she has no reason to take you seriously.

And stop spending the night away from your wife! When your wife goes out of town, go with her! The environment you are in will trigger a set of habits that you are used to in that environment. When your wife is gone, you have the habit of acting up and contacting other women, right? So never get in that environment again. I know when my wife used to spend the night out of town I had all sorts of bad habits I would get into, many of which were terrible for my marriage. We don't spend the night apart any more.

Get Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair, either the ebook version or the real book, you can read through it in a day. Then follow the program - it's step by step instructions for how to make your wife happy in a way that makes you happy, too.

I have been with my wife for 13 years although we only married this past June. We also have an 11 year old son. Over the last winter and spring I had an online affair that culminated in a meet up while I was out of town for a reunion with friends. There was no sex.

The affair was discovered by my wife when she overheard a phone conversation and me calling her "darlin'". Even though found out AND the fact that the discovery actually brought us together in a way we hadn't been in years, I still followed through with the out of town meeting.

All of THIS was discovered weeks later when I forgot to log out of Facebook and the months long message thread was found. Flirtations, dirty talk, and lots of photos.

Despite my lame a** stupidity, my wife has forgiven and we have been able to survive as a couple. My love is stronger than it has been in years.

THEN, after no contact for months and while my wife was out of town, I contacted her. It was banned behavior but I sent her a text with a simple song, no message. She responded with more photos including topless. I was shocked and deleted them immediately but my wife found them in the deleted email. Back to square one. This was about 3 weeks ago and we had just about been able to get back to continuing our recovery when I screwed up again.

She found porn links/searches in my phone.

I am in absolute love with my wife but I need to break out of this unconscious self sabotage. Advice on where to turn on-line? We cannot afford counseling and I cannot screw this up any more.

Thank you....

I thought I had posted before but could not find....sorry for the re up but this is new....

Did you read this?

Here's an excerpt from Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair. All marriages should institute extraordinary precautions from the beginning. That way, affairs would be virtually impossible. They are especially important to implement after an affair.

If I were you, I would send an email to mbradio@marriagebuilders.com, in which you explain your story and include your phone number so Joyce can call you. When she calls, you should arrange for both you and your wife to talk together with Dr. Harley. It is totally free and you will get the best advice available, plus you will get a free book to help you further.

Thank you all for responding. All taken to heart, Things are good right now but want to make sure it stays that way.

Advice will be shared with spouse and we will proceed...and succeed!

Thanks again.

Thanks for the advice. I will do this,

Doing a ton of reading and figuring some stuff out. I now see that I was addicted to the other, and that I was going through withdrawal. Never thought of it that way but glad I came across the analogy. Now that I have a "starting point" I can move onward towards ending this and becoming the husband she deserves. And she deserves stellar.

Have you rad this and listen to the radio clips?
What is Just Compensation?

Have you changed all your contact information?

Are you off all social media?