Hello, We are just over 5 months from DDay and I wish I'd found this site and program sooner. We've been making good progress, but I feel he's gotten complacent.

After some stumbling and setbacks, this week we begin the restart of our recovery, to make sure our foundation is stronger. We both want to improve our relationship and are willing to do the work. We've both made mistakes pre-affair, and after reading through Dr. H's articles, it seems we've made some in recovery too. Last night, I again told him he needs to come here and be active in reading, responding, asking questions and showing me he is willing to do the work not just when I make him, but by his own choosing. Otherwise, I can't believe he's really that serious about protecting us and preventing another affair.

We have been together nearly 13 years, have an 11 yr old son, and we were married officially by self uniting license on June 18 this year. Husband drives a truck regionally and is gone 12 hours a day, I stay home, but hope to find work soon if my adrenal fatigue and related issues cooperate - I was making good progress until DDay. There is little time in the evenings for us to have time together, with his schedule, and with school activities and soccer starting up again. So one of our first moves will be to sit and work out the UA time. His previous schedule had him gone 20-24 hours at a time every other day, one day off a week, scant holidays. He was exhausted much of the time. Most of our problems stem from not reconnecting during that time and he was reluctant to work with me to create date nights and We time. Watching tv together wasn't cutting it for me. I grew resentful at his reluctance, but kept trying to reach him, kept trying to reconnect, but nothing changed. I finally gave up. My resentment grew though we remained mostly friendly to each other and did things as a family. My ENs were not ever met. If he had any other than sex, I didn't know because he keeps things to himself. He would disappear into the computer or the tv or both and drink. He's not a drunkard, he's not abusive, but it numbs him to what he feels, and I think, effects his memory at times. Generally he's a good man, a good father, I love him and am fiercely loyal.

DDay was March 20, 2016. I had known for a while something was going on, but just after midnight, I heard him on the phone downstairs calling someone "darlin". I don't know how much you want or need to know. In the morning we talked, he admitted to having feelings for a woman he'd met in a FB music appreciation group. I asked how long, he said about 2 months, by the end it was 3. She was halfway across the country and I asked if he had plans to meet up with her. He said no, but I later learned he was lying. We had to leave for our son's birthday present, and the next few days I barraged him with texts, angry, heartbroken, and lots of questions. In the evenings, it continued. By the 3rd day, we had a breakthrough discussion and talked for hours. Sharing things we hadn't told each other before. I told him again it had to end completely, no sharing music, he would have to leave the groups they were in together, no texts, no calls - block her number (we can't afford to change phones), no emails, no nothing. Block her on FB and on any other social media. He had agreed but then said he didn't want to loose her as a friend, I told him he would then lose me and our son. He began sleeping in our bed again.

For a few months he and some old friends had been planning a trip to meet up, I had to stay without son as no one else was bringing kids and I don't travel well anymore. I see now this was a mistake. After 2 days of good connection, laughter, and even sex, he was leaving for this trip and my intuition said he was planning to meet her there. I had zero proof of my suspicions. I should have told him he had to stay home, but I chose to trust him and believed I was being paranoid.

Through April, he answered all my questions, held me while I sobbed, stood while I railed at him. Always saying he was sorry for hurting me, that it wouldn't happen again. Early in April, I went to pay the phone bill and found just how much they had been calling and texting each other. First thing in the morning, before and after he would text me he was coming home, or what he should pick up. Even while he was out playing soccer with our son - even after I'd told him no contact. I sent him another flurry furious of emails. I asked him again if he'd met her on the trip, he said no.

All this time he's telling me he loves only me, he's so sorry for causing my pain, he feels awful.

Mid April, I learned he was still in FB contact with her, after I had requested he stop leaving me upstairs to play on FB in his music groups, he said they weren't flirting anymore, only sharing songs. I demanded he block her. I should have made him do it in front of me, another mistake. I so badly wanted to trust he would do things without my oversight. I was wrong.

End of April, I find his FB open. I snooped and found an on going thread of messages from back in January. Pictures. Sexually explicit language. I was utterly shattered again. He had continued contact through FB, telling her he couldn't call or text anymore, but they could still 'play' in FB. After Itold him he couldn't be flirting with her anymore and coming up to bed to me, he told her the flirting had to stop but they could still be friends. A couple of later posts he says he misses their fun, he misses their fun, their chatting. I read every post made. The only good out of it was confirmation he did meet her on that trip but there was no sex. He met her late one night, she was drunk, they talked a bit and she passed out on his bed. It was the night he didn't text me a good night message. The next day they took a little walk before he met up with his friends. I recently realized one of the selfie pics he sent me had her in the background. I deleted it. I was livid. I sent him a message asking again, if he'd met her on that trip, no, you're imaging things, he said. I reminded him my intuition doesn't lie. ever. Liar, you met her. I have proof. When he came home he still lied until I told him I'd read every word and saw every picture of a 3 months long thread. He was angry because I snooped and I retorted he has lost any right to privacy, not only was he unfaithful, he was a liar and not to be trusted. I didn't yell, but I was quietly enraged. And disgusted. I went into his FB and blocked her myself after removing her presence from every aspect of his page, and the group he admin'd.

Hi Lorax and thanks for sharing your story. I don't know if you are still in the middle of your story as it doesn't seem like the end, but I would encourage you to shorten it up a bit as many people won't take the time to read all of it.

Has the A ended? What have you done to confirm this? What have you done to expose the A?

What snooping methods do you have in place NOW? I hope you realize after all that the addictive nature of affairs and that you cannot trust his word or trust him to 'do the right thing.' Asking him about it or begging him to be faithful will not work. You need to be more strategic here.

Have you read about exposure? If not, go read the exposure 101 thread now. Do not discuss this thread or exposure with your WH, he cannot be trusted.

May was rough. There were a lot of tears still, a lot of nausea, many down days, and he FINALLY got how intensely hurt and devastated I was by his betrayals and lies. How disgusted I was. I had asked at the end of April why he still chose to meet up with her and he said "to be sure". That hurt, deeply. That he hadn't been sure before he left...?? I told him I need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are with me by choice, and for good, not because you can't leave our son and feel trapped.
He swore, he promised, and we talked long hours, during which he shed tears too, then re-proposed to me because I felt the previous one had been coerced, and his repeated attempts felt false. He claimed it hadn't been but I said, no it was false and is tainted because you weren't serious - you had to be sure of her after proposing to me? He said he felt so ashamed. I told him I felt sick, not special, not cherished in any way. I said yes this time and we planned it for the next month, agreeing that this commitment to each other would be the bedrock of our future.

I had one last episode of anger, still furious at him going to meet her, continuing contact while lying to me about it, making me out to be a fool, humiliating me. I punched his arm until he stepped away. It was the only time I hit him and I apologized immediately. He was crying again, and we sat on the bed held each other and sobbed together and talked late into the night about healing us, about how we wanted our future together to be better for us and our son, so he could have what neither of us had, a whole family, our love for each other.

Summer went well enough, after the small informal ceremony with a few friends as witnesses. with us each growing and improving, talking more, spending more time together, every so often I have a bad day. He is understanding, rubs my shoulders, takes care of the chores. He has been meeting most of my ENs well enough. I hope I've been meeting his. He is more attentive, spends much less time on FB and the computer, is more affectionate, texts me throughout the day. I had an opportunity to go away for a long weekend early August, to meet with friends, learn something that may help with future income, and also have fun. I hadn't been checking his phone or anything else for 2 weeks. I came home with a feeling I needed to even though we'd been texting all weekend. Something felt off. I found a deleted email of pictures of her, portrait and a topless. The Saturday night I was gone, he sent her a song, it was two days until he posted it to his page and tagged me. He thought of the OW first. He kept giving me excuses that it was just a cool song, and was trying to think of else might enjoy it, that it was 'innocent'. He had to look up phone bills from months back to find her number. I took a picture of her portrait and sent it to him with "wtf?" There was an email reply from her to my email saying "Yes, I loved it." (He accidentally sent the song under my email), and a response to his email saying how she had a lawyer to fight her soon to be ex. I deleted it all again. I was sick. He replied with the usual 'how awful he felt, he loved only me' lines that I rapidly am not believing anymore. I sent her an email and a FB message to stop contacting my husband, even if he messages her or I will tell everyone on her friends list what's going on. Later, I messaged her current boyfriend and told him what had happened, retrieved the evidence through Time Machine but his email wasn't working, he says he never received anything from me. He had found evidence of her flirting with another while he was with her in the car and on a few other occasions when they were together. She lied to him about it. She lied to him about my husband. It turns out she was stringing along 4 guys at once. 2 while physically visiting with her current boyfriend, who has now left her. She has also lost a few friends because of this. I don't want revenge, only wanted those closest to her to know that she is NOT to contact my husband even IF he sends her another message. I'm still not sure he has told anyone of his online affair. My mom and an older friend knows. I no longer have anything of the affair anywhere, I made me sick knowing it was filed anywhere on our computer.

Just over a week ago, while checking his phone search history, I found porn searches for brunettes during a time when he was supposedly grilling dinner and I was resting. The OW is a fake brunette/redhead who speaks and acts like a porn star. I sent him an email telling him porn is unacceptable, hurtful to me, especially now, and that the hair color choice spoke volumes about who is in his head. I sent him links to articles about WHY porn is not a good idea, especially for someone who has had affair of any type. I sent him links to this site and told him it is now a requirement that he do some work to look into himself about why he keeps sabotaging us, and how to improve our relationship if he expects me to take him seriously and keep forgiving. He came and made a post here, but didn't come back in (until last night) and didn't read much. I told him that he needs to get serious, stop hurting me or get eff out. I refuse to keep having to deal with this. I have no job, no current skills, no car, no money but I would do whatever I had to remove from myself the source of so much pain in my life.

He hasn't been allowed to delete search histories anywhere since the porn incident, so I can see that last night he was here reading some articles, and I hope tonight to get started on his EN form and work out the UA time. I want him to feel better about himself, to stop destroying the good things in his life with indifference and damaging behaviors, but I can't do the work for him, he needs to be eager to do this too.

unwritten - Sorry for the length. I don't know what is needed or how much. I'll be brief in future.

I have all passwords to everything and I regularly snoop. I haven't added any spyware, but that may be the next step. I just hate to feel I can't trust him at all and have to go that route. The only evidence I have of the affair being over is the phone records, showing only work, me, and texts from the provider. I haven't found any emails in the deep delete bin. I have blocked her from his FB and her cell# from his phone/texting.

Exposure is to my mom and an older friend of mine. I've recently suggested he tell a couple friends and family by choice or I choose - and I'll choose those that live close to the OW and know her and his brother.

These are the mistakes I need correct.

He recently told me that in the past he cheated on his long term GF, but not his previous wife.

Oh, I also check his phone in the evenings, but he knows I do that now, and I found a search history for spyware that doesn't have to be loaded onto the phone. It seems he's already looking at what else I might do.

He seems genuinely ashamed of his actions which is why I insisted he get in here and find help.

I'll go read through the snooping forum. We don't have much money not already earmarked, so hopefully there's something I can squeeze form the budget if needed. I really hate snooping, but I guess it's needed, even now.

Sorry, I also snoop his FB, email, Instagram (he rarely uses it), and Google accounts (also hardly used). I was snooping them long before I asked for his passwords. They weren't hard to figure out. I wasn't seeing anything.His phone doesn't show any apps that are suspicious and I've checked in the settings for ones hidden from the screen.

I don't want to expose to his workplace because he is our only income, if they fire him we're in serious financial jeopardy. Our landlords don't mess around. I wouldn't even know who the boss is to send it too. I've never had need to call there. He's never farther than 2 hours from the warehouse. I have location services on and his google account tracks his phone location too.

I don't really have solid evidence of the affair being over, other than what I see of his actions, which I know aren't meaningful - much less time on the computer, data use is down on the phone, he isn't texting a storm at home and he just seems much happier than he ever did before or during the affair.

So sorry you are here but welcome.

I would encourage you to
(1) post in the Surviving an Affair (SAA) forum as I do not believe you are in recovery yet and
(2) do not send your H here yet.

I am very concerned you are on the path currently to a FR (false recovery). MB does not work when steps are skipped.

We've both just started reading the articles here in the past couple of weeks, learning more about the program, though we haven't yet implemented anything. We wanted to get used to the language, and be sure we understand the concepts a bit better. I ordered the SAA book last night.

I thought we had been in recovery but for his slip early last month. ?? Are there markers of recovery? Should I wait to read the book before starting anything in the program? Right now my head is swirling and I'm so confused. I guess I need to go back to the 'start here' link...?

He's already here and posted, a couple of weeks ago, when we were first reading the material, and again recently. Was that a mistake?

WH has been doing so much reading here again last night. The browser history shows it. He keeps things close to himself, has a difficult time discussing emotion, but he's trying to change that. I've explained to him I need him to discuss with me what he reads and learns so we can talk about it because it's about US. Last night he sent me a message, something he'd read here struck him: he admits he was addicted to her, had a hard time letting go and that was the cause of his sending her a song. He was craving her attentions. (OW is apparently very charming). Hearing him admit it was a little painful but a relief! Understanding and accepting this, he is eager to begin the work with MB! Awaiting the arrival of the SAA book and he's picking up ink today for the printer so we can get to work this weekend with the EN questionnaire.

I told a few of his closest long time friends yesterday evening, who have the OW also as a mutual friend on FB and they also happen live in the same state as OW. I also chose 2 of her (real life) friends that had interaction with WH in the FB groups; they live in the same town as OW. 1 of her friends has told me, OW has no interest in WH, she has moved on, it was all entertainment to her. She was aware of the OW behavior in this and other affairs and her selfish behaviors in other areas of life and is no longer life friend because of it. His friends have responded with such support I was in tears. Ending the secrecy on his part by telling his friends was hard to do but I'm glad I did it. They have all unfriended her on FB and won't have real life contact with her again. I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing, it felt too much like a betrayal of our privacy, but I think it helped push him to be open to seeing what was happening with himself.

Who on your WH's side have you exposed to?

Lorax, I agree that you are not yet in recovery.

I have read your WH's posts in SAA and he does not seem at all serious to me. The question is, are YOU serious about recovery?

If you are it is time to stop relying on things like 'trust' and your own plan. Dr Harley has been advising people recovering from affairs for over 40 years and has developed a proven plan. But you cannot pick and choose pieces from it or your marriage will not recover.

Did you read the Exposure 101 thread?

Did you read the EP's that were listed on his post? What has been done on that list?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

If he hems and haws about doing any of these things, he is not serious about ending his affair, making just compensation to you, or protecting your marriage.

I noticed you made some excuses as to why some things couldn't be done, such as changing phone numbers (you only need to change numbers, not phones), or exposing to certain people. If you are not serious and make excuses, then he will not be serious and he will also make excuses. It is up to you to set the bar high.

We are only just starting to work with MB, we're waiting for the book, and getting ink for the printer so we can print out some materials. I'm not sure how we can skip steps when we haven't begun the program yet, though we have been reading to start getting used to the lingo and concepts. He works 12 hour days and there's not much time before his bedtime so we've scheduled this weekend to be our start time. He's been using his evenings to read, share family time, and talk with me about what he's starting to earn and realize. He is very willing to do this, to read the SAA book when it comes, and get started. He comes off as not serious, that's his coping mechanism when he feels embarrassed or weighted down by an emotional load, if that makes sense. There's a lot of work we're looking into to help him communicate more effectively and sincerely. I had hoped this program would help with that too.

I was tired when I replied about changing phones, sorry for the confusion.