Hello; I'm smallpeace's husband. Not sure how to kick things off here...

Good morning, Leo. Welcome to Marriage Builders. We are familiar with your situation and have listened to your email being addressed by Dr Harley on his show. What is your reaction to his advice?

I thought it was great advice, as far as it went; very insightful. It cleared lots of things up.

How have you and your wife progressed with your lovebusters? For example, what is the status of your angry outbursts? What is the status of her argumentative behavior?

Both have gotten better, but both are still liable to flare up at unexpected moments, & when they do they exacerbate each other.

Why did you leave for the night recently?

I didn't, actually. I came back. But I was going to leave because she said she was changing the locks on the doors & throwing me out, and...It's like this: I've always been miserable in this marriage. From Day 1. It's been a disaster for me, because my wife abandoned me sexually literally upon getting married. So I'm not super committed to it. If I'm spending money on renting a small apartment, and she & I aren't raising our child together, then there's not enough in this marriage to keep me in it.

What if we could help you turn this around? The goal of this program is teach you both to become experts at meeting each others emotional needs. When done in conjunction to completely eliminating lovebusters, a romantic, passionate marriage is achieved.

Can you give a history of your angry outbursts? When did those start?

Yes, I know. I'm trying. It's very difficult not to be cynical, though. I've spent many years pouring huge amounts of time and energy into various programs to make my wife happy, and nothing has ever worked, so on some level I can't help but suspect Dr Harley's method is just the latest carrot on a stick.

History of my angry outbursts:

I've been cynical and moody as long as I can remember. But I never used to raise my voice or swear or call names or any of that. It started after I got married. I remember saying to my wife - snapping at her, I guess - "if you don't ever want to do this, then why the [censored] did you marry me?" And she cried, and I felt really bad.

That was in 1999. Then it got worse for awhile. I remember eventually just going off, smashing furniture, ranting and shouting, just miserable and out of control. She finally got me to follow the anger management course in a book she found, and I spent months practicing its calming techniques. Things got a lot better. That was in 2008.

I haven't had any physical outbursts since then, and I don't call my wife names or insult her (she said in her thread that I called her names last week, but she must have misheard me. I absolutely did not.)

I do raise my voice sometimes, typically before I know it's even happened. I curtail it in some way so it doesn't last. More rarely, when I'm really upset, I use swear words, but that really only happens when I reach the point where her behavior has just frustrated and appalled me so much that I feel like I just want out of the marriage. At times like that I've given up, and I just feel disillusioned and bitter. At those times, too, I always curtail the situation so it doesn't last. t's not aggressive anger and it's not a threat to her, and the funny thing is, she knows this. I mentioned it in my email to Dr Harley: she often follows me from room to room, telling me how abusive I'm being and that she needs me to get out, when we both know I'm only trying to get away from her. Usually I'm just gathering my things on the way out the door.

This is no carrot on a stick. This is a tried and true, foolproof plan for those that implement it to its fullest.

The only time this plan fails is if the participants don't commit to it. That isn't a failure of the plan.

You say you've tried a lot to make her happy but yet you struggle with anger. You can put forth a ton of effort doing the things that'll make her happy but you erase everything if you love bust at the same time. As long as you have trouble controlling your anger your W will never be happy.

You need to clean up your side of the street so you aren't wasting all your time and effort trying to make her happy. You sabotage all that effort with bad behavior.

This is something you should do for yourself. Your W will be just one of the benefactors if you get it under control.

Your W will be asked to do the same.

I gotcha. We were all in the same place until we saw proof. We didn't believe it either until we saw that it worked. All that is required from you is a commitment to go through the steps. If you will do that, then you can see for yourself if it works.

OK. I can commit to doing that.

Are you getting into some serious anger management? It is clear you have not overcome your anger probems, which is a distinct and definite turn off for women. Raising your voice and getting angry would push any woman away from you.

Women need 2 things to desire sex, an emotional attachment to the man and the prospect of enjoyment. From what you described, no woman could be attracted to that. Would you behave that way on a first date when you were single?


The funny thing is that you don't understand how unattractive it is. My H used to blow up in traffic and it would make me want to avoid him for days. Finally one day I demanded he take me right home because who wants to be with a hothead? So, saying it is not a "threat" to her misses the point entirely.

And why I am focusing so much on your anger? As long as you behave like this, she will never want to meet your needs. If you want that to happen, you have to be as attractive as possible.

And don't get me wrong, she knows she cannot follow you around anymore. But you cannot have these angry outbursts anymore if you want to have a marriage.

Most marriage programs don't work and most marriage counselors have no earthly idea how to save a marriage. That is the difference between this program and others. Dr Harley developed this program because he discovered right out of college, at his first job, that traditional marriage counseling was a big FAIL. He didn't believe marriage counselors should take peoples money and not help their marriages.

SO, he stop charging people and started studying couples that had long term great, romantic marriages. He developed this program based on those traits. But before he charged anyone, he tested it out on couples to make sure it actually worked. It actually did work so he wrote the book His Needs, Her Needs which is a step by step outline of his program.

check this out: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi2000_meet.html

I do understand that. I was referring to this in the context of:

- Dr Harley's warnings about the life-threatening nature of angry outbursts,
- the large number of posters to this forum urging my wife to throw me out, and
- my wife ordering me to move out and announcing she's going to change the locks on the doors.

I don't think the main concern there is that I'm "unattractive."

I do understand that "love busters" generally make one unattractive. Can spouses work on those without separating for a year or more?


She did exactly that on Friday.

I've read a couple of Dr Harley's books. I'm familiar with His Needs, Her Needs.

You do understand that Dr Harley would advise that you separate if you have angry outbursts? Angry outbursts, of any ilk, are threatening. You can't say some are "threatening" and some are not. They are ALL threatening because you are out of control.


What happened? And did you listen to Dr Harley's advice about this when he read your email on air?

I just don't think that every time a person raises his voice it's automatically an "angry outburst."


Here's what happened (my wife's version, in her thread, was that I had "a full-on AO"):

We had been at total cross-purposes for awhile, and I said, "Can't you just drop this for the moment? I do that all the time." She walked quickly out of the room as I said this, and I realized I must have raised my voice. She came back and said I had raised my voice and she can't talk to me when I'm this way. I said OK, but I asked her to please hear my point that she should drop the subject at times like this. But she wouldn't hear it, because I had raised my voice. I realized that what I was trying to say would never be heard; this was very frustrating and I decided I had to leave. So I went to the bedroom to get my wallet, then went to the hall to put my shoes on. She followed me around. That was when I cursed. I just said, "yes, I know our plans for tonight are shot," but with a couple swear words. She was following me but posing like I was pursuing her. We both knew I was leaving the apartment; she was very much assuming a role.

Yes, I listened to Dr Harley's advice, which is why I left the apartment ASAP.

I agree. One doesn't even have to raise his voice. For example, my husband NEVER once raised his voice when he had an angry outburst. You shouldn't get angry, period. And you should never raise your voice.


What was the discussion about and why did you want her to drop it?