I meant that it was innocuous from my POV. I get that it doesn't work to tell him that I didn't mean to offend, because he just thinks I'm disregarding his feelings. I do also focus on communicating in ways that don't upset him (by asking him how I can do that), but he says that it doesn't matter what I say, the meaning is the same to him. Also, what is the appropriate response when he tells me that I thought something that I didn't think?


He can safely say no, and I tell him that all the time, but he has a really hard time saying no, not just to me, but to anyone.


I feel like what I do mostly is defend myself, but I can understand your perspective.


Yes, I agree.


I think so. I keep finding out that his "enthusiastic agreement" wasn't really enthusiastic after the fact. We've talked about him needing to stop doing that, but I think it's a habit. I think he just really doesn't like saying no to people.


Definitely, and I've told him that many times. He can say no to any and all of them and I will find an alternative solution to my problem with no hard feelings.


I totally agree! I didn't want to brush it under the rug. I kept asking him what was frustrating him. He said it was that I complained to him at the wrong time. But I don't know what to do with that, especially since I can't tell what kinds of things he hears as complaints. I also can't tell what time is the wrong time for him until he tells me. I asked if, when he hears something as a complaint at the wrong time, he could just tell me respectfully that it bothered him. He said he didn't know if he could.


I don't know. I don't think so, but I'll ask him. I do know he wants to write to Dr. Harley again.

I would really like it if he would come here and start his own thread under his own alias. It would help us understand how he perceives the problem. Markos and Prisca can help him too.

Writing Dr Harley again would be helpful too. Listening to the radio show will help us help him.

Will you go ask him?

Yes, what I said was disrespectful. I don't usually say things like that, but it was in the context of telling him what I required (that he stop DJing me) if he wanted to come back home. I don't think he normally feels lectured by me. And I definitely want him to tell me how I can change my delivery so it won't bother him.

I'm here. Should we discuss this here, or should I start my own thread?

Hi Leo!
It is usually recommended that each spouse has his or her own thread.

Hello Leo! Thanks for signing up. Can you please start a new thread and stay on that thread? We would like to hear your perspective of the problem and what we can do to help you.

Done. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2887878&#Post2887878

I think we know what to work on for now (thanks, everyone!), but we're a little unclear where to begin re finding an anger management program. Are there any resources on this site or elsewhere for finding a good program? Or should he just start by looking into galvanic response meters? Is there a specific one that Dr. Harley recommends?

Have you researched anger management programs in your area?

Not exhaustively, but yes. My husband was in anger management therapy a couple years ago but wasn't taught calming techniques. Is there a specific type of therapy (like cognitive, behavioral, etc.) we should be searching for? Is there a name for it?

The type of AM he needs focuses on relaxation techniques and the realization that he is responsible for his angry outbursts.

Last week we both thought we had a breakthrough, and things had been going really well. No AOs or DJs, no arguing, good UA time. Yesterday we went out on a date and had a nice time (at least from my perspective). After we went to pick up our daughter from a friend who was watching her, my husband got into a funk. He didn't like that I had spent time talking to the friend, and felt like he had been solely responsible for wrangling our daughter and getting her ready to leave. I said I was sorry and asked what he would like next time, and he told me, and I thought it was fine. But then he said he just thought it "wasn't worth it". I asked what he meant, and he said that it wasn't worth going out on dates if they had to be interrupted to pick up our daughter and put her to bed. He felt like the evening had lost momentum.

I asked what would make him feel better, and he said maybe he'd feel better after some time had passed. I asked him how he wanted to spend the rest of the evening, and he said he didn't care. I asked him what would we be fun for him, that he'd enthusiastically agree to. He said he enthusiastically agreed to me picking what to do.

So I picked a board game, and we played it, but he still seemed to be in a bad mood, and it was hard to have a conversation. He kept complaining about his bad luck in the game. I made a play in the game to help him out, and he didn't thank me, and then made a sarcastic comment about how "magnanimous" I was being.

I felt like we should just call it quits for the night, and I went to bed. I tried to hug him but he didn't really hug me back. He stayed up for a long time drinking, and I found out this morning he posted on his thread here.

Just a few days ago, he wrote me a really nice text telling me how much he loved me. Yesterday or the day before, he asked me how I was feeling about the relationship and I said I was feeling good, and asked him how he felt. He said good, and that he loved me.

This is definitely a pattern. One day everything is good or even great, then suddenly the next day he's in a funk and says he wants out. He didn't say what he wrote on his thread to me in person last night, but I've heard it before many times. I feel like there is no stability. He can't seem to sustain being a loving husband for longer than a week or two.

Oh, he also said that he was upset because when he complained about wrangling our daughter away from her friend and putting her to bed, I didn't sympathize with him. So I said, "oh I'm sorry, I know that can be hard to deal with". But that didn't seem to make him any happier. This does tend to happen though- I tend to be more focussed on fixing the problem so it doesn't happen again than sympathizing, and he wants more sympathy.

It sounds to me like he has been trying really hard to meet you needs so you would meet his need for sexual fulfillment at the end of your date. Did that happen?

It didn't happen last night, because he was moody and I didn't feel connected to him. He didn't initiate anything anyway, though. It did happen after our last date, last weekend. I think he's more upset that I generally don't feel like having sex after we've just been tired and hanging out on the couch watching TV, and that we need to have a date with a good conversation first. He feels like we didn't need to do that to have sex earlier in our relationship.

UA time is to meet the 4 intimate ENs.

Do you drink? Are you an alcoholic?

We only had UA time once in the past week. It was an extraordinarily busy week with our daughter being out of school and extra work demands.

We both drink. I don't consider myself an alcoholic. I drink wine with dinner and while socializing. The people we socialize with all drink about the same amount. I think my husband might be borderline alcoholic because he stays up drinking by himself, but he says that's because of his depression about our relationship.

If you want to change your marriage, you need to get 20-25 hours of UA time. ONE DATE will never get you anywhere, except frustrated and wondering why the "program doesn't work." It will NEVER WORK if you won't schedule much more UA time.

My H and I sit down every Sunday afternoon and schedule our dates using this form: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/FiveSteps_Time_for_Undivided_Attention_Worksheet.pdf

Cutting corners on UA time is dangerous because it will cause your H to be MORE discouraged when nothing changes. He will soon stop trying when he concludes the program "doesn't work." It does not work when you cut corners!