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I'd listen to him if I were you, instead of wasting your breath arguing. Excuse me. He said I was speculating about my wife's motivation which is simply & clearly wrong. Correcting a key misapprehension is taken as "arguing" around here & it's one of many signs, all over the forum & here today on this thread, that this place doesn't have what I'm looking for. To all: Have fun browbeating someone else, & peace.
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[
That's retarded. None of my statements were judgments of her. You can shoehorn them into being that if you want to be wilfully obtuse, but don't pretend you're helping me out by doing so. Suggestion: take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. Stop being angry and bombastic with people who are trying to help you. You have a serious anger problem that is preventing you from fixing your marriage and is now preventing you from listening to people who have resolved their own marriage problems.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You are talking about your wife in 'should's; that is always did respectful.
It sounds as if you need to stop drink.
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I gotcha. We were all in the same place until we saw proof. We didn't believe it either until we saw that it worked. All that is required from you is a commitment to go through the steps. If you will do that, then you can see for yourself if it works. OK. I can commit to doing that. Just a reminder.
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I think he is serious about eliminating AOs and DJs. He didn't say any of that stuff to me; he posted it on a forum. He may still be having disrespectful thoughts, but I think he was looking for advice on how to deal with his feelings. The problem this weekend wasn't that he had AOs or DJs; it was that he was thinking depressing thoughts and feeling/acting depressed. Does Dr. Harley have any advice for that, other than antidepressants? How did Markos get rid of such thoughts?
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Stop drinking. Alcohol makes depression worse.
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but I think he was looking for advice on how to deal with his feelings. People who are looking for advice don't call the people who are helping them "retarded." I have yet to see any man come through here who does such and actually makes it. There is plenty of advice on how to rid oneself of disrespectful thoughts, and depressive thoughts as well. You have to want the help, though. And, smallpeace, don't be fooled. These disrespectful judgements are a huge problem in your marriage even IF he just posted them without saying them to you. He must learn to identify them, which means accepting it when we point them out to him. Don't interfere with that process by defending him when we are trying to guide him through that unpleasant minefield. It doesn't help you, and it certainly doesn't help him. It would be wise for you to not post on his thread, but rather, stick to your own.
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I think he is serious about eliminating AOs and DJs. He didn't say any of that stuff to me; he posted it on a forum. He may still be having disrespectful thoughts, but I think he was looking for advice on how to deal with his feelings. The problem this weekend wasn't that he had AOs or DJs; it was that he was thinking depressing thoughts and feeling/acting depressed. Does Dr. Harley have any advice for that, other than antidepressants? How did Markos get rid of such thoughts? By building a great marriage, which could only happen when I learned to stop being disrespectful about my wife. In Marriage Builders you don't learn to change your feelings - you learn to change your behavior in a way that will lead to your feelings changing afterward.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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It would be wise for you to not post on his thread, but rather, stick to your own. He has left the forum (he wasn't angry, but he didn't feel like it was helping him), so I'm posting on his thread on his behalf. He is still following the advice to stop the AOs and DJs, and is working on calming techniques. But he is trying to figure out how to work through his negative thoughts and feelings as he does this. How does he keep from getting discouraged when he's not seeing any changes in the short term? Is there something I can do to help?
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It would be wise for you to not post on his thread, but rather, stick to your own. He has left the forum (he wasn't angry, but he didn't feel like it was helping him), so I'm posting on his thread on his behalf. He is still following the advice to stop the AOs and DJs, and is working on calming techniques. But he is trying to figure out how to work through his negative thoughts and feelings as he does this. How does he keep from getting discouraged when he's not seeing any changes in the short term? Is there something I can do to help? Make no mistake, he WAS angry. And he left in a huff. He is not following the advice to stop his AOs and DJs, since he denies them when they are pointed out to him. If he's working on calming techniques, he needs to calm down and get his butt back on here to take charge of changing himself instead of relying on you to do the legwork for him. He's had plenty of time to calm down. Is he ready to face the DJs he's committing? If he wants advice on how to "work through" his negative thoughts and feelings, he can ask. We've all had to do it here.
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Smallpeace, stop holding his hand. He's a man. He can do this, and he needs to do it himself. You can't do it for him.
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Leo doesn't feel the forum is helping him, because he doesn't feel he needs to do anything to keep his wife, and the status quo is fine.
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Meanwhile, smallpeace, the thing YOU can do is raise the bar. It's the only thing you can do to help him.
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He is not following the advice to stop his AOs and DJs, since he denies them when they are pointed out to him. On one of the radio shows, Dr. Harley suggested that a wife who was having disrespectful thoughts could write them to him or write them on the forum, instead of saying them to her husband. I think that's what Leo was doing. Is it still an AO or DJ when it's not directed at me? If he's working on calming techniques, he needs to calm down and get his butt back on here to take charge of changing himself instead of relying on you to do the legwork for him. I wouldn't say he's relying on me. It was my idea to post on here.
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Leo doesn't feel the forum is helping him, because he doesn't feel he needs to do anything to keep his wife, and the status quo is fine. He doesn't think the status quo is fine. I found MB because he kept saying he couldn't stand his situation and threatening to divorce me.
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And thats the problem, he is still threatening you.
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And thats the problem, he is still threatening you. What do you mean?
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You don't think it's a problem that your husband is threatening you with divorce to control your behavior?
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You don't think it's a problem that your husband is threatening you with divorce to control your behavior? He has done that in the past but is not currently doing it.
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[
He has left the forum (he wasn't angry, but he didn't feel like it was helping him), so I'm posting on his thread on his behalf. If the forum isn't helping, than what good is it for you to post on his behalf? He sounded angry to me. He sounded like everyone does when they are called out on things they don't like to face about themselves. I understand the fact that he has dealt with a bad marriage for a long time, and is probably not in love and not motivated to do what seems like work to change. Then he can get a divorce, everyone has that right. Or, he can stick with it even if he doesn't feel like it, with the chance that we are right and it will pay off in the end. We have all had to do this, put the actions in place even at times when we didn't feel like it. It is the only way to get to your happy ending honestly.
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