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You saying you don't see any care here is no better then me saying what I said then... I know what kind of pain I have caused.. if I didn't care I'd give in, to alcohol and divorce.. but I'm not!

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Jer533 Offline OP
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I'm not with holding anything.. why would I?? I'm seeking advice on how to save my marriage.. I have not contacted the "lover".. I didn't change my number due to with reasons.. I met her at outpatient for alcohol.. if I was still in contact with her I also would not be in this forum seeking advice.. I know my wife has every right to leave me people.. but I want help in trying to show her I know how badly I've messed up and only want to cherish her the rest of my days...

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Read this and listen to the clips in here and tell us what you think.
What is Just Compensation?

Did you ever write a NC letter?
Did you read this and listen to the clips?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Jer533 Offline OP
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I will listen to them today after church.. just click on the link you have there?

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Originally Posted by Jer533
I'm not with holding anything.. why would I?? I'm seeking advice on how to save my marriage.. I have not contacted the "lover".. I didn't change my number due to with reasons.. I met her at outpatient for alcohol.. if I was still in contact with her I also would not be in this forum seeking advice.. I know my wife has every right to leave me people.. but I want help in trying to show her I know how badly I've messed up and only want to cherish her the rest of my days...

Jer, you're a liar, right? In her eyes (and everyone else), you've lied about trying to get sober (DUI in rehab) and you've lied in your affair. Like many addicts (assuming you are 100% truthful about this desire to recover), you can't be trusted. So, now you're in a situation where you can't give her your word. Your word is meaningless. IF you have any chance here, you're going to have to demonstrate actions that will rebuild trust over time (years). Forever, because she must be forever guarded. Please listen to the clips. You're looking at doing all the steps (including changing numbers, no contacts, no privacy, not a drop of alcohol forever), are you willing to do this? Be honest with yourself because she doesn't deserve more pain. Dr. Harley's method can work for your marriage but you need to be 100% in.

When I objectively read your post, it makes me wary because it seems like you think your word matters and that you're in pain. The one in pain was tucking in your babies hoping for sobriety while you were out with skank. That's a betrayal you may not be able to overcome.

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**EDIT**

Last edited by Denali; 12/11/16 03:42 PM. Reason: TOS picking fights with posters
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**EDIT**

moderator's note: if you have an issue with posters, notify the moderators and let us handle it. Don't come on this forum and lecture posters.

Last edited by Denali; 12/11/16 03:43 PM. Reason: TOS dsrespectful, lecturing posters
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Jer -- You have an uphill battle to fight. You have destroyed your wife's trust in you and that isn't easy to rebuild. Strict honesty is the place to start. Beyond that, your wife's observations of your consistent and long-term behavioral changes may lead her to be patient with you, assuming she still loves you. Your best bet is to follow the program. If you've hurt her beyond repair and she leaves you then please do continue to turn your life around. Even those who have made major mistakes can find happiness if they continue to practice the Path.

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Thanks for the heads up (new to this website). ***EDIT***

Last edited by Ariel; 12/11/16 04:27 PM. Reason: Enough!
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Originally Posted by Jer533
I will listen to them today after church.. just click on the link you have there?
Yes. Did you listen to them? What do you think?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Jer533 Offline OP
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I understand. I "was" a liar and a cheat yes... I am in 100%! I have been demonstrating actions. I'm aware my words carry no weight with her.. but I am committed to trying as long as it takes to make this work. Pending she will have it.. if not I know she has every right to leave me.. People I am a different person then I was 6months ago.. I hit my knees every night and in my prayers are prayers for her happiness.. with or without me.. She deserves happiness!!! I feel with some work together we can achieve that... Not that I'm not coming back to this forum, but I wanted to thank everyone for their input! I truly take each and every bit of it to heart.. thank you!

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Jer533 Offline OP
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I did not yet sorry. We got dumped on with snow so I went out to our house and plowed everything out for her..

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Originally Posted by Jer533
I did not yet sorry. We got dumped on with snow so I went out to our house and plowed everything out for her..
Three days and no time to listen to the radio fragments, that must be an awfull lot of snow.

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Jer533 Offline OP
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no excuse I know. Im trying to get everything completed everyday I need to.. by the end of the day I'm exhausted.. I will listen to them.

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One of the things that is so frustrated for a BW is how the wayward husband had endless time and energy for the affair but not fixing the marriage. It seems like you're only willing tofix the marriage if it is easy. Not impressive.

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Jer533 Offline OP
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Understood apples! I just tried to listen to the radio clips.. opened up into an error screen.. I read the articles that were posted. I had read all of them when I discovered this website.. I'm not just willing to fix my marriage if it's "easy".. Have you read my previous posts? I'm willing to do any and everything to show my wife my undying love for her.. easy or hard! I'm here aren't I? Reaching out.. Easy would be seeking out other women... That I am not doing.. Thank our for everyone's input!

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You will need to devote 20-25hours per week tofun dates with your wife and to working the program to save this marriage. If you arent willing to do that, you should let your wife know now so she can protect herself from you.

I noticed you never answered my questions about what hardships the DUIs and affair have caused your wife. You should go back an answer that.

You need to get serious.

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Jer533 Offline OP
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Sorry for missing that..
financial hardships
Trusting me and believing where I said I was.
Staying up worrying about me
Worrying if I would get done what I said I would..
made her insecurities worse!!
I'm not sure she is willing or will be accepting to the 20-25 hrs a week of spending time together.. I certainly am!! Do I just flat out ask her? She has said she wants a divorce apples..... but has not acted on anything..

Last edited by Jer533; 12/13/16 01:08 PM.
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You say you want to fix it. What have you done?
Changed all contact info - phone numbers, email, etc. how did you meet the OW, what complaints (other than the affair) does your wife have? Does the OW live inthe same town? - if so, you need to move. Do you spend nights away from your wife? Have you asked her on fun dates- no relationship talk allowed, only fun?

You are not being transparent so we cant gauge what help you need.

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What financial hardships?

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