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#2892556 01/13/17 08:17 PM
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My husband cheated on me a year and a half ago. Things were bad between us for a while, always fighting. I didn't feel he loved me, sex was rare. He posted an ad on craigslist and began sexting someone. This happened for about a month? He met her once and had sex with her. I found out like two days after it happened. I knew something wasn't right, even more than usual, it just felt off. He always had his phone on him ALL the time and that wasn't like him. I eventually managed to get a hold of his phone and saw the text and kik messages and photos. I do know it was only once physical. There was no other time it could have possibly been. I'm pretty go at finding stuff like that out.

We decided to work on our marriage, conversation was always hard for me. We never talked. 9 months later I was using his phone and I went to clear out the apps running and I saw another email. He posted another craigslist ad looking for a friend. The email didn't sound friendly to me, just very sexy. He said he just wanted a penpal, someone to talk to, cause I wasn't talking to him. I told him no, he wanted a sex penpal. Lot going on then, I ended up just dropping it. This was March 2016.
A few months later I saw another email from someone from Russia. I realized it was spam right away, but he kept messaging her. Calling her beautiful and amazing, this he has NEVER told me. I'm never even gotten a pretty out of him. I eventually told him I knew and he said he knew it was a scam and just wondered how far it would go. Again, I dropped it, life was pretty sucky. My grandma had just died, my mom moved in with us for a few months, he lost his job. I had too much to deal with.

November 2016. We were discussing fanatsies in the moment and he apparently got the idea that I would be turned on by watching him with another woman. I've told him before to just get a girlfriend because I can't make him happy. I guess during an intimate moment I said something about it might turn me on to see him with someone else. I knew it would turn him on and honestly I just wanted the sex to be done with, I was tired. So a few months ago he told me he had something to confess. He has been checking out craigslist again and looking for another woman for a threesome. Wait, what!?!?!! I am NOT bi or a lesbian. May be fine for others, but I do not go for that at all. I like men only sexual. And a fantasy is just that - a fantasy. People don't usually act on them. I personally have a fantasy of being with two men, but it's just a fantasy, doesn't mean I actually want it to happen!
So, I checked out his email, nothing there. I found out he's been using another email address to talk through craigslist with these women. He didn't know I know about that email address so I didn't want to let him know i know since he was not using his normal one. After he cheated on me I made the mistake of letting him know how I knew and where the pictures he was sending were being uploaed to , etc. He is VERY clueless when it comes to technology. I'm actually surprised he figured out how to download kik because he's not very bright when it comes to computers or cell phones.

I talked to him a little bit. Told him that I really didn't want a threesome. Asked him how he would feel if it was reversed and I wanted to add another guy. He said he's more ok with that than I would think, but there would be rules. I've been emailing as another woman to his ad on craigslist. He told me that he kept getting emails because of the ad. At least he's not hiding that. He says we don't have enough sex. Which, is absolutely true. I don't argue that. But he wants me to initiate it a lot more than I do and I'm not comfortable with that. Am I suppose to wave a magic wand and suddenly get in the mood and hop on him all the time? I don't feel loved by him, haven't in a very long time. He never touches me or kisses me. I get a peck on the lips or forehead when he leaves for work, that's it. He comes home from work, talks for hours about himself, never asks if I have something to say or how my day was. I need to feel wanted and loved in order to have sex. And I don't feel either from him. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if I want to. After we talked he emailed the current woman he was emailing about a threesome (which was me in disguise) and said " Sorry to hear about the relationship. I also have to sincerely apologize to you. I may have wasted your time. I believe my wife has gotten cold feet on this adventure. (which sucks for me...) I knew it was too good to be true. Lol. Thanks for the response, though. I'll let you know if anything changes. Also, you are absolutely gorgeous!! I had to say it. Don't let anyone else convince you otherwise. :-)" He has never in 21 years together called me gorgeous, beautiful, or even pretty. I have only gotten nice or cute, that's it. He's told other women they were beautiful, etc too. Why is it so easy for him to complement other women and not me? And I can't tell him why is he complementing other women and not me because then he'll know I know his other email and I'll never catch him. He wants more sex all the time. I thought we were doing better honestly. I was trying more, it was happening more, but apparently its not enough. And it's not adventurous enough. I wore the stupid vibrating panties in public to a restaurant, what more does he want! He wants more and for me to do the initiating. Thats not me, especially if I feel he doesn't want me or love me. Maybe if he'd stop looking at porn he might settle down a bit. He told me that he feels I was never doing 50% of sex. Sex should be 50/50 and I guess I haven't been doing my share during sex. Ever. In the 17 years we've been married I've never done my fair share in the bedroom. Kinda thought I was, I mean I don't exactly just lay there and I often do things I'm not even comfortable with for him to please him...... That hurt. Why is it always my fault and not his?

We talked again. He asked if I even wanted him to be "fixed" or if I was done. I don't know. The thought of having sex with him now makes me want to run away screaming. I just don't want to. Ever. And it's not because of the affair, it's because of what he said about pretty much hating sex with me. I guess I'm that bad. He knows he looks up to much porn. He asked me to help keep him accountable. Been leaving his phone out for me. But, yet, he keeps deleting his phone browser history and keeps looking up random women on facebook. I don't want to have sex with him anymore and he has a very high sex drive. Getting worried again because it's been a while since we did (taking care of sick kids, sick mom, period, being sick myself, a 7month uti that doesn't show on a test so they won't treat it). I fear he will start looking again. How do I get over the hurt that he feels I'm bad in bed? How do I have sex with him again? I can't relax. I feel I have to have an orgasm now because he pretty much implied that I should fake it if I can't for real. That puts pressure on since I've never faked and don't know how. I worry when I'm on the bottom because he apparently hates that . It's not "spicy" enough. I want to cry. I want to stay (married for almost 18 years), but I want to leave. I can't though, I have no where to go, no job, no job skills, no money, three young kids. I'm lost....

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Welcome to MB. I'm sorry to say but your WH trolls for women.

Do you know if any of these OW are married? Was the one (that you know of) he met (and he has probably met a lot more) married?

Have you read the exposure 101 thread?

Do you have any spyware on his devices?


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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you been tested for STDs?

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The one he slept with was single, maybe a boyfriend? Not sure. I know you probably disagree, but I know it was only the one woman, one time physically. I've read all the messages and stuff. She lives roughly 40 minutes away. I looked back at everything and there was only two times that it could have happened. The one time he tried, but she had something come up, and canceled, and the other time was when it happened. He only had a flip phone before that and never texted. He was seriously tech illiterate before this. He is not the type at all. None of the others that he messaged were married, they were single, and the one was a spam. It's hard to explain, but I know, I feel when something is not right. I knew something wasn't right before I found out and looking at all the evidence, I felt "off" right when it began. And when he emailed the others I knew before I knew. I don't know how to explain it. I've never felt that way before spring/summer of 2015. Other than a year before that when he was overseas for work and his hosts took him out to a club where there were strippers and stuff. Something felt off that week as well. Things were good before then. We don't really have a lot of people in our life. His mom knows, my mom knows and she's the only person I still talk to in my family. We don't have a lot of family and no friends. We're not social people. I don't have spyware on his phone. I looked into it a bit but cannot afford it. We are several hundred dollars short each month right now. are there any free ones? I have a keylogger on the desktop , but thats it. I recently had an appointment and I'm clean

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Welcome to MB.

I am sorry to say that you are looking at a long life of dealing with infidelity for one simple reason, and that is because you do not seem to be taking this seriously. You seem to want to make excuses for your WH and explain why you are not willing to do even the most basic things to protect yourself. If you do not take this seriously, why on earth would he change his behavior?

The reality is you have a very wayward husband who is out SERIAL trolling for women. Even if he has only had a one time PA (and you are right that I don't buy that for a second), he has been having online EA's with other women who he actively trolled for. This is very different than the average cheater who falls into an affair by having poor boundaries. This means he has a sense of entitlement to cheat. This serial cheating mentality is very hard to recover from and takes commitment from both of you to a lifestyle that makes cheating next to impossible. Instead you seem to want to ignore the cheating or make agreements just to see what will happen, or say it is impossible to even do simple surveillance.

Nothing you have done in your marriage makes this behavior OK. Of course you do not want to have sex with the man when he is treating you this way. You deserve much better than this, and you can have it if you take this seriously. Are you willing to do that?

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I thought I was taking this seriously. He never emailed or even slept with anyone else until 2015. He never even had a cellphone until 2014, and didn't even get a smartphone until 2015. He's always had the same email address, we even shared one for years. I've always had a keylogger on the computer because years ago my BIL who was a teen at the time used to look up porn on it and thats how I caught him. Things were fine until 2014/2015 after he got his first smartphone. That's when everything went bad. How could he have slept with anyone else when he was always home or at work? I can guarantee he wasn't sleeping with his co workers and all his email and texting things lived hours away. The only one that was close was the one he slept with one time. I know for a fact that it was only one time. I cannot afford "simple surveillance". Close to $800 short every month to pay the bills. I'm sorry, but I can't afford another $70 on top of that huge loss.
Yes, he has actively searched for other women online. That is the problem. I'm not ignoring it. It has to stop. How do I get that to happen? I wouldn't be here if I wasn't taking it seriously!

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you read the exposure 101 thread?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by justmyside
Close to $800 short every month to pay the bills. I'm sorry, but I can't afford another $70 on top of that huge loss.
How long has the $800 short per month been going on?

I just popped on and haven't read your whole thread (yet, I will tomorrow), but $800 short per month is nothing to sneeze at. How long have you been short so much?


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Originally Posted by justmyside
How could he have slept with anyone else when he was always home or at work? I
We havehad many, many posters where the spouses were having sex at work or leaving work to go to a hotel. So just because he says he is at work doesn't mean he isn't having an affair.

Can you put a GPS on his vehicle and a VAR in his vehicle?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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He lost his job in April last year. Got a new job a few weeks later but it was for half of what he was making. He stayed there for a few months but we were losing ground even with his working. He had to quit in order to cash out his 401k. He was without work for another 2-3 months and then finally got hired but as just a temp fill in job. He has one now, but it's still a lot less than he was making and the 401k money is running out. He made a lot at his old job because he worked a LOT of overtime. It was one of the things I resented about him. He's always been a workaholic. He was always there, I saw the pay stubs and the hours. The overtime helped a lot. Plus he got good bonus there. He is literally making a little less than half of what he was. We have a LOT of debt and a high house payment. And a van loan. We just bought the house 2 years ago.
I dont' have a gps to put in there.
I've read the exposure. Who else am I supposed to expose it too? We have no friends and little family and they know. His current job doesn't need to know, he just started working there.

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The reason I am saying you are not taking this seriously, is that you have caught him multiple times and multiple times you claim to have 'just dropped it' for one reason or another. You are also giving us many excuses as to why keeping tabs on him is not going to work in your case (ie too costly). Obviously this approach is not taking it seriously, and has failed to curb him from continuing his behavior.

With a serial cheater who is actively seeking affair partners, your only hope is to make having an affair next to impossible for him. This means knowing where he is at all times (or being with him) and not giving him access to any way he could have an affair (no more smartphone, social media, or internet access).

This includes porn use too. Dr Harley has written some great articles about how pornography is destructive to marriages.

In your original post, you mention many times the ways you are not meeting his needs, specifically for SF. But you do realize that NO WOMAN would want to have SF with a man who was abusing her in this way don't you? This is not about you not meeting his needs. Many people in marriages do not have their needs met but do not cheat. He is actively seeking affairs and will continue to do this even if you meet his needs, UNLESS all avenues for him to possibly have an affair are closed.

My concern with giving you this advice is that you seem to be a bit naive about the avenues in which he could have affairs. We have seen it all on this forum, so you have to have your radar open for any possibility. Saying he is 'at work or home' so he has no opportunity for an affair is false, he could have a 10 minute hookup on his drive to work or home again. This is the kind of thing he is looking for (hookup) as opposed to falling in love with a coworker who is meeting his needs, so this is very possible. You need to understand that with a serial cheater like this, ANYTHING is possible and you need to be on your guard at all times.


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