I have recently discovered this website and forum. In my 14 year marriage I have dealt with the following from my husband:
� Dishonesty � hiding tobacco use from me while I was under the impression it stopped years ago
� Stumbled upon his porn use
� Many lies about the porn until he fessed up and admitted to it
� Didn�t quite fess up to everything though because later I got him to confess to visiting strip clubs while on travel and even paying for lap dances
� Couple years after that found out he was still masturbating, not to porn, but to fantasies of women he worked with and random good looking women he would see out and about (even while out with me)
� More dishonesty � tried to hide money from me that he won at work through some sports raffle type thing

The porn/strip clubs were probably about 10-11 years ago, masturbating to fantasies about 7 years ago, and keeping the money secret was within the past year to year and a half I think. These are the things I know about. I still wonder what I don�t know about because he has never been forthcoming, but has always been caught and or badgered into telling the truth. He has sworn there was never an affair or sexual contact with any other women (beyond the lap dances which I consider sexual contact), but after reading through some of these threads, it makes me wonder again. He may have poor boundaries with women at work though. I know he discussed my frustration about a new puppy with a female coworker several times and she texted him a picture of herself with her new puppy when she got one a few weeks later. Not sure if that is really inappropriate but I felt weird about it and even worse when I saw her picture. In the past he had told me about a female coworker calling him at work and discussing her trouble with finding a good boyfriend. I told him that she was interested in him because that was an inappropriate conversation to be having with a married man and he acted surprised by that.

He has been frustrated for a while with my low libido and I have told him that I want to want to have sex, but I don�t know how to do that. I wish I could just flip a switch to turn on my libido and fix it, but I don�t know how. I told him that I think that I never dealt with the past correctly and maybe we should get counseling again. He never makes any effort to do that though. We did see a counselor at a church after the fantasies, but it wasn�t very helpful. He was never enthusiastic about seeing a counselor. I decided at some point that I am not going to try to fix the marriage anymore. I felt like I had always been the one to actually care and put forth effort and all I really desired after the betrayals was for him to make an effort to help me and show me that he actually cared about me. He seems to think I should just believe him when he says he really loves me and believe him about everything he says even though he has proven numerous times to be dishonest when it serves him. I am considering approaching him about doing Marriage Builders, but don�t really know. I think he would agree to it, but expect me to do all the legwork such as educating him on everything and even then I don�t know if he would stick with it.

So, I guess I am just looking for some insight and advice.

Hi tiredandlonely, welcome to Marriage builders. I would suggest you read this article: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

One thing stands out to me and that is that your husband has led a secret second life for much of your marriage. If you were to eliminate that lifestyle, your marriage would change. That change would come ffrom a) never spending the nights apart and b) making your lives so transparent that he can't do those things again and c) removing the environment that made those things possible.

Do you have spyware on his devices?

No I do not. Is there a link on how to do that?

There are many threads here that will help you with that.
Operation Investigate

I really wish I would have known this information back when all of this happened. Should I just drop all the stuff from the past, even though I am wondering if I really know everything? (I have always wondered, but after reading some of these threads I am even more skeptical.)

I will start snooping now by installing the spyware, even though I don't think there is anything going on anymore.

Thank you MelodyLane. That article is helpful. What you said makes sense, but it is actually a little scary to me because it might require such huge changes (leaving his job, possibly moving to get another one, etc.)

Concentrate on snooping for now and then we will help you with the next steps. After you know the truth you can have a polygraph as a condition.

My husband just returned from work travel late last night. This morning I snooped on his phone looking through texts, calls and emails while he was showering, but did not see anything suspicious. I haven't had any opportunity to install spyware yet.

My H is definitely hiding something. I brought up the polygraph idea as a way for me to get over the past so I can never have to wonder about it or bring it up again. Let's just say...major gaslighting. He can't believe it. It's so much money. It'd be like him buying something that I wasn't happy about. Blah blah blah. So should I go ahead and make an appoinment? I probably jumped the gun but I was feeling so mixed up and I just wanted to know if he was still hiding stuff and/or hasn't told the complete truth and now I know.

If you had time to look through all those things, you had time to download spyware.

You need to buy the spyware using your own device and email account, and you only need a minute or two to install it, once you get hold of the target device. You obviously have access to his password.

Having said that, he might well have a pre-paid phone hidden somewhere else. Perhaps he leaves it at work. You need to step up your spying game. Hide a voice-activated recorder in his car, and hire a PI to trail him when he next works away from home.

I agree with SugarCane about the spyware. This should be your priority. When is his next time away from the home？