living well you mentioned that you would have a plan A,that would bring tears to my WW eyes.
I wondered if you could help me please

You might want to listen again. He did indeed say you should plan A your wife. He said this relationship will last 6 months at most as dementia will kick in and that you should be preparing now for your wife's return.

He suggested you use the book he wrote for clues on how to meet her emotional needs. Clearly intimate conversation is massively important for her because this is obviously how he managed to get her to fall in love with him. You will need to find a way to listen to her and give her your undivided attention for 15 to 20 hours a week.

Dr Harley did not mention this but she will love it if you earn more than she does. Women really like that.

Sugarcane,I wasn't going to reply to your post but changed my mind.I wasn't being disrespectful to disabled people.I was in part taking the mickey out of myself.
I always felt sorry for the om as it must be a living hell but since he is having an affair with my WW I feel differently toward him.Even my step daughter found it ammusing.
You have to understand that I am not lazy.My daughter of 13 will not stay on her own,not even if I want to pop up the shop for 5 minutes,she has a phobia.She has only just started going up stairs on her own.
You say about getting a child carer etc.without really thinking it through.If I earn 10 pounds an hour doing gardening for people how much do you do think I would have to pay someone to look after her.Since the minimum wage is about 7.20 an hour.I did take on board what my wife said as you will see in previous posts.

I can think of several child care options that will not cost you money. One is to take her with you to work. Think about something like teaching a Saturday morning seminar at your nearest garden centre. You could ask her to help with the demonstrations. I'm sure you know some wonderful tricks on planting, pruning etc.

Or start a dog walking business around your existing work hours. If you have to walk your own dog, why not be paid to walk others? She could help you with that after school.

If ideas like that cannot be made to work, consider doing a child swap with another family where she goes after school to do homework at a friend's house for two evenings a week and you have friend at your house for two evenings.

Not only would something like this help your financial situation but it would also help your daughter. Anything that gets her out of her room will reduce her anxiety. She must miss her Mum so much :-(

Hi living well.I Will take your suggestions on board.Thanks for your help.
On a different subject from work.I am tempted to ask for a divorce now.I don't want to be anybodys door mat.I know i'm not the most succsesfull man and never claimed to be.But I have a lot of other good qualities and if it all boiles down to money then she is not for me.I feel I have been a good dad and always have a sense of humour and am genuine. I feel we don't deserve to be treated this way and that's my feelings really.If my WW wants to make an effort then I am ready to listen.But i'm not doing anymore letters and chasing.

Living well I just wanted to add that chasing doesn't work and all this will be telling my wife is that she can treat me like she wants and i will come back to her like a sad little puppy.Playing hard to get on the other had has much more power in my opinion.I know others will steam in and have a go at me for this but a person has to have a bit of pride.I am not feeling sorry for my self I know there is people far worst off than me like kids in siria with there legs blown off in some awfull hospital with no family.
i said to my stepdaughter that I was thinking of divorce and that it was doing my head in and she said I don't blame you.

Actually, it does. Dr. Harley's Plan A has saved countless marriages.

And Dr. Harley would disagree with you. "Playing hard to get" doesn't work on wayward wives. Essentially, it will be telling her that you don't care that much about her.


No one would blame you for divorcing her. And, if you have no intention of doing a Plan A, then a divorce and Plan B is what you should do.

We women like to admire our men. That does not mean you have to be the most successful person, if that was true there would be a lot of men without a women to love them! But being responsible with money is important as it shows caring. This is an area where you will have no trouble competing with the OM.



Agree on the letters but read what Prisca wrote about chasing. We want strong men that care for us. You can do this!

Ok this is what I am going to send her.Is this wrong?

I just wanted to let you know that I have been sorting all the dept's out on the house.A local charity is going to pay off the old council tax and rent arrears .So things are looking much better for the future.
I also wanted to let you know that I think about you all the time and love you so very much.I would of never have married you if I didn't want to grow old with you.I know it started as a one night stand but it became a marriage.Relationships have to start somewhere.I think about all the days out we had as a family unit,like going to lynton and lynmouth and driving over exmoor.Or even going to Cheddar.And all the holidays we had at grumpy Wendys and not forgetting Tenby.
I shall really miss it all, and your companionship.
I felt I could always be myself with you and that is a lovely quality that you bring out in people.You have a lot of lovely qualities.That is why i fell in love with you.It took me a long time I must admit.But it was well worth it.
I spoke to Jenny xxx the other day and she said to me that I was a good looking man and that I would find someone else.I told her that I didn't think I was good looking and that I didn't want anyone else.
I don't think I will ever find anyone who I love as much as I love you.And that is why I just haven't given up on you.
I understand that you have emotional needs and I feel, with a lot of honesty and talking we could have a great marriage.Much better than before.
I felt board and rejected a lot of the time and we were stuck in a rut taking each other for granted.But things could be so much better if you would give things a chance.
This has been by far the most painful experience of my life.xxx and I have been totally destroyed by this affair.For children divorce means that the fairy tale is officially over.Children from broken homes are never the same again.
So if you would be willing to finish the affair and wanted to really talk things over and put a plan in so we could have a really great and fulfilling marriage.I would be happy to talk.It can be done.And we could do it.
But if you are not willing to do these things then I have to protect my self mentally and move on with my life.And we will need to get a divorce.I am not going to do anymore chasing and I have my pride.I am starting to loose my love for you now.And I will not allow myself to be treated this way anymore.Since xxx has come into your life he has totally controlled you and manipulated you and you just can't see it but everyone else can,just read his book.It is what he is good at,and you should have never been a carer if you get this involved with patients,cheers rob

Dr Harley did not suggest you send your wife a letter. He suggested you wait as a person with MS who is already paralysed from the neck downwards is close to the end. He advised you to you read this man's book to learn what he did to capture your wife's heart, it will be all in there. He said that it is very likely that this man simply knows how to be a great listener and that this is enormously important for your wife.

Of course you feel angry, that is completely normal but you did not tell Dr Harley about your wife's history. As someone who was abandoned (I was adopted), I would caution you very strongly against threats. Threats would be words like 'I am thinking of divorce' or 'I could find someone else' or I am starting to lose my love'. Of course you can (and should) say that her actions are causing you great pain. But she is likely to have a very intense reaction to threats. That could backfire on you in a very big way.

By all means divorce her if that is your wish, you have very right to do that. Just do not threaten and expect that to bring her back, it won't.

Hi,living well.Thanks for taking the time to post again.
I thought Dr Harley said I should plan A her.I know he also said that he hasn't got long to live.
I mean no disrespect to you by saying this but I notice in the bit about yourself you say your ex husband was a serial adulterer.This is part of my point in a previous post,in that you obviously kept taking him back and he knew he could get away with it.
That is what I mean't when I said my WW would think she could treat me how she wants and I would keep taking her back like a sad puppy.
In respect to the om hasn't got long to live,i feel she would only be coming back because he died,which I don't think is fair on my daughter or myself.
I do agree with you about threats.
But I feel if she wants to get back together then she will need to do her bit and before he dies otherwise she will probably be a serial adulterer if she is not already.cheers rob

Rob, by the looks of things, your wife is a typical run-of-the-mill wayward. Do you have evidence that she is a serial cheater? I haven't seen it posted here.

Serial cheaters and typical waywards are two different beasts.

I suggest you slow down and start listening. You are trying to reinvent the wheel based on your feelings, and your feelings are going to be all over the map right now. I suggest you slow down and learn this program, which is based on science rather than feelings.

Actually Dr Harley said that OM was a serial cheater :-(

Yes he was a serial adulterer but I did not find out. He was extremely good at covering his tracks. When I discovered the Fat Slag (pre MB) he dumped her immediately which is pretty standard for men. She was probably woman number 50.


As Prisca says, you need to read more about MB. She can be back in love with you even if she returns because OM died. She fell in love with you once and can do so again.

Good!



This is one of the trickiest parts of MB. We can help you but you need to read the basic concepts. Plan A is about being the better option. That means you are the best husband you can be even though she is the one who cheated (tough eh). She many not be in the least contrite and will probably fight you even while you are being the best plan A husband on the planet. Prisca has personal experience of that and so is a good person to be supporting you.

A serial adulterer is someone that trolls for conquests. Your wife sounds as if she is quite the opposite and that she fell into this by accident.

Hi living well.prisca,I have two friends on here things are looking up.
Fat slag you say livingwell,sounds like my wife lol.Maybe she was one of them.Only joking.
I do wonder if she is a serial cheater because before we were married she cheated on me.Yes prisca I will start listening.I understand that you know what your talking about and appreciate your advice and it hasn't fallen on deaf ears believe me.Livingwell I have read just about everthing on here.But am not convinced that playing hard to get isn't better option.When I was about twenty I was so in love with a girl.I thought about her for years and years after it finished.Still think about her now sometimes.
anyway when we broke up I told her how much I loved etc.She wasn't interested.Then my mum said play hard to get.Which I did and she was all over me.
It didn't last I must admit but it worked better than telling her how much I loved and missed her.Dam this is all so much hard work.I should get paid lol

WHOA WHOA WHOA. This is not ok. This is how you talk about your own wife?

What kind of joke is that? How is that funny?

How are you doing Rob? Any luck getting hold of OM's book?

Hi livingwell.I can see some people to offence to my reply about your ex husband and my ww.I do appologuise to them I had a few drinks and my ww is not even fat.In all fairness she would have found that funny.Anyway it's done now.
I already have a copy of his book which he gave my WW a while back and have read it.
He was obviously a great salesman and a reader of people and there needs.He could probably even sell my wife back to me lol.
It's a rather strange book he goes from one thing to another and then talks about god in it alot,even though it isn't a religious book.
He says other things like to get someone to fall in love with you you have to give them love first and to ask them if this is love? and get them to say it first so say think it in there mind.
he had given my wife a note that I found asking her is this love?.

Apart from that things haven't been good at all.My WW seems to be getting worse.
I don't think even when the om dies she will want to come back.She acts like she hates me and is being even worse to our daughter.I broke down to my step daughter and she said her mum had been completly out of order.She said she doesn't think her mum will ever have second thoughts.It is really hitting us hard now.cheers

No, we didn't take offense. We are letting you know that behavior like this is one reason why your marriage is bad. You did come here to find out what you can do to make the situation better, right?

Don't apologize and sweep the problem under the rug. Your apologies are worthless to us because we are not offended.


This is probably another reason you are having problems. Please get yourself to AA (an all male AA group) and get help.