I don't know why I put WW on such a high pedestal as though my life depends on her.It doesn't.She is in the wrong and being horrible about it as well.
Feel much better this morning,drinking makes things 10 times worse.I think I have had one day off since WW left.
There is some good people on mb.
It doesn't go unappreciated.cheers rob

Do you have alcohol in your house? Considering your last posts, it seems wise to get rid of it now.

You may want to make some precautions so that you don't drown your bad feelings in alc. Bad feelings can swim you know. E.g. Store your liquor at a friends house.

Not having time off may be a good thing because having too much time will leave more time to think about bad things.
Maybe you can take your daughter somewhere fun next weekend. She is probably shaken by her mother's sudden departure and can use some father daughter time. It does not have to be expensive, but a walk through nature and some homemade pizza and chocolate milk will go a long way.

HI,I meant I have only had one day off from drinking.Not good I know.DD wanted 20 pounds to come and walk the dog with me,because she won't stay on her own.
DD does need to get out more and have some father daughter time although she is not the easiest to be with.
I guess everthing got to much last night because WW wanted me to take om books and then DD showed me a video she took last night of her mum at her friends house dancing and having a laugh without a care in the world.
Don't know if that is the fog.
Will make a big effort to clean up my act.Thank you both for taking the time to write.

Your wife is not herself right now. She is in the fog and might as well be an alien. Somewhere in the future your then adult daughter is going to look up to you as the one who was her rock when her world almost fell apart. And I am sure that your wife if she ever comes out of the fog and is honest to herself, will admire you for it. She may not say so, but she will.

Your first priority here is your young daughter. At this time in her life, the beginning of puberty, life is confusing as it is. She is lucky that at least one of her parents is there to retain some normalcy in her life.
You have to stay away from alcohol though, because you don't want her to have to be the strong one.

Of course you would have wished that it was different, but your daughter will go through this life experience and come out stronger. She will learn that even gloomy times will pass and she will survive and thrive. And you will be there to support her. If she is in some kind of therapy for hee anxiety, you may want to inform the therapist about what is going on and he can give advice on how to handle the situation with respect to your daughter.

Importantly, seek support from others. From parents at school, church, neighbours, etc. who may be willing to help taking your daughter places, helping with homework or that you can talk to for emotional support. Create a network around your daughter and you.

You may want to contact Dr Harley at the radio show if you should go into plan B.

Dr Harley used to run alcohol clinics so he is experienced in that respect as well.
Because you were on the radio show you can always get back at him is you have more questions. Give him additional information about your situation.

Take one day at a time and rather go to a place where they offer help staying abstinent. You don't have to do it all by yourself.

Thank you happyheart for your wise words and words of comfort.thanks rob

Then stick with us tonight and find something to do that keeps you busy.
Daughter's homework... For example.

Are you going to write Dr. Harley a follow up email?

I'm not really sure brainhurts.I don't know what else to add really.

Maybe update Dr Harley with what is going on with your daughter? He will have some wise words for you on that.

You can tell Dr. Harley how you are coping and if he recommends plan B in your case. And can give you good advice on drinking, handling your daughter etc.

Dr Harley said that, as this man's condition is degenerative, if you want to rebuild the marriage, you basically need to wait this out. This man's faculties are diminishing. It is likely that, right now, he meets very well your wife's need for conversation, but as his facility for that departs, he won't be able to meet that need any more. At some point, he won't be able to meet any needs, and he will not be here any longer.

It's very difficult watching the behaviour of a wayward spouse who is in an affair, but that is what is required in Plan A. Dr Harley feels that men have the stamina to endure a lengthy Plan A, and recommends the use of anti-depressants to take the edge of the low periods. If a man wants to recover his marriage, Plan B is not recommended, because few wives go back to their husbands after it. Plan B pretty much spells the end of the marriage when the wayward is the wife.

The prospect of the affair ending is better for you than for most men, because of this man's degenerative condition. You DO know that this will end some day in the not too distant future. If you want your marriage back, hang on, hunker down, and stop considering every new piece of crappy wayward behaviour as a reason to go to Plan B, which means ending the marriage.

SC is right. If you want to save your marriage, wait this out.

Dr. Harley said in his Radio program that you need to do what the POSOM has been doing. Woo her! So based on that advice, I recommend you draft a letter to your wife. In that letter, let your wife know that she is the love of your life, and you would like to walk hand-in-hand in a loving and blissful relationship. Let her know that you have learned that your connection with her was weak and that you have learned how important it is to meet her needs. Share with her in glowing, romantic terms how much you admire her and share the qualities that she has that make her so special and precious to you. Also let her know that you long to replenish with her an intimate closeness through conversation and quality time spent together. Let her know that you have some romantic get-aways planned that will be an adventure and that will be sure to reconnect you.


I would also let her know in this letter how hurtful this betrayal is to you. Let her know that what she is doing is the equivalent of seeing a possum on the road at night and accelerating the vehicle in order to run it over. Jar her conscience and hold her accountable. But do not use any disrespectful judgments, don't make any selfish demands, and don't use an angry tone.

Conclude by letting her know you've been reading up on marriage and you've discovered a path that both of you can take to recover from the wreckage of this affair and from any neglect she may have felt in the past and move forward with a relationship that is loving and passionate. End with a romantic statement such as, "I hope you will consider my proposal and return home. I want to hold your hand again and rekindle the flame of love that once burned so warmly in our hearts. Please walk with me again."

She probably won't be moved by this letter right away. Her heart is given to someone else right now. But she will hold on to those thoughts and when the affair ends, which we know will happen sooner than later, she will remember what you wrote.

Good luck.

Thanks for your help living well happy heart and sugarcane.I don't think I will go to plan B at the moment.OM could go on for years we just don't know.I know WW has got life insurance because I opened her bank statement.Some life insurances have no medical checks for the first two years.I know I will have to wait it out but still unsure whether to send WW an email explaining our DD behaviour and my love for her.For all I know WW my think I hate her.But I will feel a bit embaressed writting A love letter so to speak.She might not react well.cheers rob.what should I do please

Rob,
You're reluctance to draft a love letter to her is symptomatic of the problem in your marriage. Your wife is in the clutches of a dying physically disabled man because he is able to meet her needs through intimate conversation and his expressions of love. That is obviously a need that your wife has. Don't you think she would rather have a healthy, able bodied husband who can do the same for her? Dr. Harley does, and so do we.

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

Hi justthe3ofus.I think we must have posted are posts at the same time and that is why I didn't thank you.Yes you all make a lot of sense and there is wise words from all of you.I want to write wayward an email like you said expressing my love etc but there are a couple of things.Firstly I am worried about rejection.She may well say it is long over get over it,I am never coming back.I don't think in my present state of mind that I could take that.Also WW said to me round abouts the time I discovered the affair that she doesn't fancy me.She also said that I was handsome and that I would find someone else.She said that she would miss out because om would be dead and she would be on her own.She said when she looks into my eyes she doesn't have a connection with me like the om.WW also said that her son and I had worn her out.also she said we probably wouldn't have been together if it wasn't for our daughter.She did say that we had some nice times and that i made her laugh sometimes.Would I be flogging a dead horse by wanting her back.Lastly I love WW very much but I don't look at her and think she is stunning.I never had the passion with WW as I had with a couple of old girl friends but I saw something in her that the others didn't have,I guess a good kind heart.Do you think I should still write her a letter as you described justthe3ofus?.thanks rob

Rob,
As I indicated earlier, the reason she has fallen out of love with you is because she lost her connection with you because you did not meet her intimate needs. Those needs are most likely admiration and intimate conversation. Right now the POSOM is meeting those needs, and she is making a comparison to you, a husband who did not meet those needs. But it's all based on an unreal fantasy, and when this man dies no one will be there to meet his needs.

Yes, you should write the letter. Pour out your heart and don't worry if she rejects it. As I indicated, she probably will reject it. But as I said, she will remember it and one day those words may grow wings and take flight. I did this for my wife the first time she had an affair and we separated and divorced. She kept the letters, and I never knew if she read them because she never replied to them. But when we recovered our marriage, she showed them to me.

You've been deeply wounded, and she is close to emptying your love bank. That's only natural. But once her affair ends and you work on your marriage, your love bank and hers will be filled again.

Thanks justthe3ofus.Just one quick thing anybodys opinions welcome.My dad has been in hospital for the last 2 months nearly.He is in his 80s.Basically he hasn't got long to go.WW sent a get well card.DD told me this.I was quite pleased and I rang my mother and asked if they had a card today.She said she did but it made her angry and she felt that WW was feeling guilty and was just excusing herself saying that she was sorry for what had happened but she never intended it.And that it just happened and that when she gets her own place then DD can stay with her half the time.My mum said she kept going up to see him and she abandoned her own daughter and it was her choice and she could of stopped herself but she didn't.And she was just trying to justify herself.I could see my mums point and they have always been very good to WW and my step kids.My parents helped them loads.Paid for holidays for them,paid of WW depts when we got married.They looked on WW as if she was there own daughter.I can see my mums point.Should I still write a letter

If you want to learn how to meet the emotional needs that most women and certainly your wife have, you should.
If you feel you want to save your marriage in the long run, you should.
If you want to save your wife from the claws of this snake, you should.
If you keep on course and don't want your emotions to throw you off track, you should.

The snake that has lured your wife under his influence will not last long. Didn't he have an affair with his former nurse? And where is she now? He can only impersonate a decent person for so long.

You will win in the end, because you are an honest, good-looking, muscular, non-paralyzed, real human being. And this snake will literally wither away. How much fun can that be in the long run?
You are running the inside track. Just realize that.

But you must give her the information, that you are willing to recover your marriage from this affair and make it better than before. Otherwise, she will not know she can come back to you when this affair dies. (And die it will!)