It's not parental alienation, its a loss of control. This is why you need to go into Plan B. You are all she has and you are allowing yourself to be destroyed. Please plan to go into Plan B asap and finish your divorce.

I am doing things to move the divorce along. My H is not resisting. He told me I could throw out all his books because he doesn't have room for them in the apartment and he will come get his remaining clothes this weekend.

I think about this transition (loss? not sure) every waking second and I am a mess. I know intellectually that I am doing the right thing but I feel terrible. I guess it is a loss, a loss of the dream that we could have a healthy marriage after everything.

I think I am codependent-- having lived with his objectification of me for 25 years and then 7 years of D-days with his OW. I always hoped he could be healthy in our marriage and that he would be so much happier if he were...if he could only come around to seeing the light. Yeah right...

Has anyone else dealt with this? Are there any threads on overcoming codependence on a wayward spouse?

Have you spoken to your doctor about getting some ADs?

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Grace, any normal person will feel extreme grief and loss at the end of a marriage. I am so sorry you are going through this. I promise you will feel 100% better after a few weeks of a pitch black Plan B. It won't always be like this.

Thanks for your support, BrainHurts and MelodyLane. I don't want ADs because I don't believe this is depression, just temporary grief and anger. I want to move through with full feelings. I hope you are right about it's temporary and Plan B will lead to a better state.

Pitch Black Plan B is a little hard because we have to meet with the mediator next week. And we have this all-day athletic event for our daughter tomorrow where I am the team photographer and he volunteers with the other dads to move heavy stuff. It is tough but I am not going to surrender my role because my daughter counts on me (plus the other moms whom I adore are counting on me for my photos) and he is not about to give up his chance to show his daughter he's still the "involved dad"...

I know I just have to do it (like Nike)

Grace, you can't go on, putting your mental and emotional health at risk. Going to an all day event where you know your cheating husband is going to be isn't going to move you forward. You have to take plan B seriously and that means NO CONTACT. Seeing him will set you back and keep the gaping wounds open. It's time to start getting creative in terms of how you can build a life without ever seeing him. Everyone will survive if you're not there to take the pictures!

I agree.

Read this.
Special/Important Events in Plan B

If you have the flu, who will take pictures? This is more serious for your health than the flu.

And don't forget, the best dad is a dad that does not harm the mother of his children.

The other moms will understand.

Anyone can take pictures. They will manage.
This will be an ideal time to expose to the other parents.
Just tell them your husband moved out because he is having an affair and it is too painful for you to see him right now.

And of course you don't have to see him at the mediator. You either sit in separate rooms or do it by phone.

I would skip all this stuff. Your mental health is much more important to your daughter. She needs her mother. Your daughter counts on you to be sane and mentally healthy.

And you certainly don't have to go to mediation. That is a terrible idea! Here is a quote from Dr Harley:

You need to turn the focus now to 100% on taking care of yourself and getting healthy and that's not going to happen with continued contact with your WH.

I went through a very rocky separation and divorce (ex WH moved in with a hostile OW etc). However, because of Plan B, I was not damaged. One thing that I do know for sure is that I was able to focus on and guide my children through this ordeal as well as I possibly could have.

You are allowing yourself to drown with the marriage. You need to cut the M and your sick selfish wayward H loose in order to save yourself. It is really that simple.

If you continue to cling to him, you will and your children will suffer much more than you need to.

Plan B, Plan B, Plan B. Today, not tomorrow or next week. Now.

Look at it this way: Waywards make TERRIBLE parents. Your daughter deserves at least ONE whole healthy parent. You need to give that to her.

Wow, thank you everyone who has contributed to my thread.

I did show up to photograph the event and my H showed up with the other dads. I know you all said I should avoid it, but don't forget my teen DD has a history of depression (and a suicide attempt two years ago) so I am always by her side during stressful times (like this competition) and I would NEVER not show up to support her!! (Plus--I love the other moms and they give me a good feeling of having friends, so I would be missing that if I just stayed home.)

Things were civil between WH and myself. Remember, he is not ACTUALLY currently WH because he got dumped by OW for another man 3 months ago. He is more like "I can't come home because I'm not ready" H.

It was easy seeing him throughout the day. I think it was easy because we were in public and couldn't talk about how terrible things are between us.

I want to tell him he should stop coming to these functions and let me be the parent in attendance, because DD really needs her mom for moral support at this time in her life. I just KNOW he will say I'm immature and controlling, and that I am trying to alienate her from him...that we should be able to co-exist at her events. Part of me thinks "you are the strong adult, she is the mentally ill teenager, he is the estranged dad who just wants to be able to also support her and show that his wrecked marriage doesn't mean he doesn't love her--what's wrong with that?"

Thoughts?

Actually I am very lucky that we found a good, Christian mediator. She is not "going for the jugular" but she is facilitating an excellent settlement that my H is agreeing to. Also, for my DD's sake, this seems better--quiet and quick and private.

My thoughts are that you do not take Plan B seriously and are not in Plan B at all. You will forever find excuses that create interaction between you and WH and therefore will continue to subject yourself to his fogbabble.

'He is not really wayward right now because OW broke up with him" is FOGBABBLE. It may work on you but it's not going to work on us. He is 100% wayward.

I am sorry to tell you that you are never going to heal this way.

That's great as long as you don't have to be there. That is the whole point. You shouldn't see your husband at all while in Plan B.

My suggestion is to start taking it seriously. You will never heal if you spend all your time looking for excuses to stay in contact with him. You will get sicker and sicker.

You can negotiate to alternate events.

I understand the value of a dark Plan B but I just can't.

I know I am extremely codependent and I am going to get help for this. I am reading two books on the topic and have found a psychologist who specializes in victims of abuse that I will begin to see. I know my H was psychologically and sexually abusive in our marriage and it's just now occurring to me that I am somewhat addicted to him despite everything. I get panic attacks for no reason as I work on the divorce details. Logically I know I don't want to live with him anymore, so why am I panicking? I can't even answer why. I just feel this huge loss and pain, and even have to suppress the desire to contact him and tell him I am stopping the divorce and he can have more time separated to "work on himself!"

Does anyone on this forum have experience with overcoming codependence when going Plan B?

What you describe is not "codependency," which is not applicable in a non addiction situation, but just typical dependence. It is much like alcohol or nicotine dependence, the solution is to quit cold turkey. You can do this. It won't be easy the first 2 weeks, but once you get past that, you will feel better than you have in years.

We understand your feelings of loss and grief completely!! I promise you they will go away. Your panic will lessen over time.

He has left you and you don't have any other option. He is not coming back. I am sorry.