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Prisca,
My daughter likes the school where she is at, and she only has one semester left before graduation, so she would not welcome a move at this time. The good news is, with college coming up, she will have a fresh start in the near future. She is excited about college and has already been accepted to most of the schools that she's applied to. We are awaiting news from just two more.

I might sell my home one day, but it won't be until after DD#1 graduates.

SusieQ,
I keep busy with work, coaching basketball, church, and writing a blog for a Bay Area Newspaper covering an NBA team. I didn't start writing the blog until after my wife left the house.

All of these things have been great outlets and have kept me going. It's only when I have downtime (driving to work, the end of evenings when I don't have the girls, etc.) that I get really down.

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I'd talk to her about it if you haven't already, if I were you. Let her know you'd do it for her, if that's what she needs, so she isn't secretly feeling trapped in a peer group that has turned against her just because she only has 1 semester left. Four months can be a very long time for a 17/18 year old girl, and a lot of emotional damage can be done during that time.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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I will definitely talk to her about it. She and I talk often about how she's dealing with it, and I also talk to her younger sister asking her to keep a close eye on things and to "be there for her."

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Valentines day is a hard day for many of us who post here. Today is hard for me; that's for sure. My wife heads to India this week to be with her affair partner again. But I'm not going to let it get me down. I have too many blessings to count. Wishing all of you the best. I know your faith and commitment will help you through today and the days that follow.

And to those in happy, thriving marriages, congratulations! I hope that you enjoy the Valentines Day holiday with your spouse and do something special for them. To borrow from the band Alabama:

Don't ever take it for granted
It's more than sowing some seeds
It takes sun and water
So give it what it needs.

God bless!

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My WW took off for India on Thursday to spend time with her affair partner. She is a teacher and has the week off, so she will be gone 10 days. My DD#1 also has the week off from school, and she is angry that her mom will be gone. DD#2 also isn't happy, but she is not affected the same way. After WW took off for India on Thursday, I told the girls that it still stings every time she leaves to see him. They said it stings them too. They said that when they are at her house she mostly stays in the room. She's either sleeping or Skyping with the other man.

My WW's first AP was in Malaysia. Now it's India. She is always the one to fly overseas; they never come here. I'm glad because I don't want these POSOM anywhere near my daughters. I texted this current AP and told him that it would not be good for him to encounter my daughters or me. He didn't reply.

My wife celebrates her birthday this week. A year ago we went to NAPA for a weekend to celebrate. We had a great time and we were both so happy and in love. Within 4 months she would begin looking outside the marriage for action. I showed my daughter a picture of the two of us posing for a picture in our convertible during that Napa get-away, and DD#1 asked me to send her a copy of it.

It's been a solid two months since WW and I have talked. Plan B is holding strong. We are officially divorced on March 9. Acceptance is slow in coming. I still have not come to terms with the idea of being divorced. I guess that is the way it is for owners; whereas renters just move on. As the song goes, "When a heart breaks it don't break even." I will start my annulment paperwork this week. If my marriage is annulled acceptance might come easier, though I feel as though I will always hold onto the baggage of this broken marriage. I want to be able to just move forward and leave the relationship behind, but I can't shake the idea that vows mean something.

Getting an annulment in the Catholic church isn't a slam dunk. I will have to prove that the marriage wasn't valid when we exchanged vows. But there are many things that occurred in the course of our marriage that may point to invalidity, especially her conversion to Islam, her claim that she never believed in the trinity, and her constant speaking of divorce even early on in our 24 year marriage.

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Update and Question:

I'll start with the question. My wayward ex wife is back in India this week with her affair partner. She asked the kids if they could take care of her cat while she's away. I told them no as I would have to drive them there, and I am unwilling to play a role in facilitating her trips to India to visit that homewrecker. So my former MIL agreed to do it until Thursday when she leaves for a three day retreat. That leaves either my girls (i.e., me) or my sister in law to feed the cat and change the litter box for the last three days before my ex returns home. I am uncertain on this part of things. That cat used to be my cat also. I don't want her neglected. I can ask the girls to have their aunt feed the cat, but then I'd look like a jerk for not helping the girls take care of their pet. But ultimately, I am stuck on the principle of not wanting to facilitate my ex's trips to India by helping take care of her responsibilities at home. This won't be an issue the next time she goes because my oldest daughter will have her driver's license by that time, and she will be able to drive there without my help. It will be DD's decision at that time if she wants to do that. But for now, I will start by asking my former Sister in Law to help with the cat and not go over there. It puts me in a bad position with my former in-laws, but I guess that's on my ex. Your thoughts?

Update: It's been December since I directly communicated with my wife. Plan B has been terrific, and for the past few weeks I have been in a much better place. My anger and sadness have finally started to abate. It's still there some and the scars will always be there, but I'm feeling a lot better and have a much more positive outlook. For anyone posting on the SAA forums, take note. Healing is a long process, but you do eventually get better. But if you stay in contact that can't happen.

My wife is in India for her third visit. I have no idea of what goes on there, and I don't care to know. I have been very clear with the girls that they are not to have a relationship with this man because he is half responsible for the destruction of our family. So far my ex has shielded the girls from him, but the time will come when she will want them to meet him, probably first on Skype since he is in India. They do not want to meet him, but they will be afraid to anger their mom when the time comes.

On my side, I have stopped focusing on her and I am focused on my girl's life and work. There is enough going on to keep me out of depression, though the sadness is still there. Now that I've been divorced for a month, I am looking forward, not backward. I don't know what lies ahead, but I am enjoying the freedom to chart a new course. My oldest will decide on her choice of colleges this month, and that process has been exciting, and I've enjoyed being a big part of it.

My annulment is filed and underway. A priest friend of mine said it could be resolved by Christmas, which is good news. I do miss female companionship and all the fun things that go with it (wink, wink), but I am leery to get involved with anyone as my daughters are my first priority right now. Once my oldest is off to college and the annulment goes through (crossing my fingers) I will be in the clear to date and see what happens.

Wishing all of you a blessed Holy Week and a joyful Easter.


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The cat is your Ex WW's responsibility.

I have pets that I love dearly, and understand that you don't want it neglected. But it appears that the cat went with her in the divorce, and since you are in Plan B the cat is no longer your responsibility on a regular basis anyway. Why make it your problem now just because she is off pursuing her affair?

It is not your responsibility to arrange to have your SIL go over there either. The cat is not your responsibility. Period.

(For the record, we go out of town for the weekend and leave our cats home all the time. We leave enough food and water and a clean box and they are just fine until we return. The cat's not going to die without someone coming every day. )

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I'm glad Plan B is helping - I think it's still probably affecting you a bit to know where your ex is going. It would be helpful if you didn't even know that much detail about her life. I suppose that will be easier after the children are grown, but if you could bring it about now I think you would feel even better.

A blessed Holy Week to you, too!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Don't bother with the cat; it is her responsibility. If she cared that much, she should have boarded it at a kennel for the week. This is what I do whenever I can't travel with my dog.

Divorce means taking care of your own stuff, including pets. You should not facilitate her affairs in any way.

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You gotta put your foot down with the pet. That's not your problem, it's hers. You are going to be enabling your WW, you will be opening the door to future problems and you are not setting a good example for your kids.

My ex has tried getting me to even take pets for periods of time and even permanently. He will have the kids ask me - and they will beg being the pet lovers that they are -- and even said if I don't take them they will have to go to a pound etc.

"It's your dad's responsibility to figure it out" is what I tell my kids FIRMLY.

I would explain to your daughters that when you go away on vacation you shouldn't just expect family and friends to come over and help with pets. If someone was to offer or it was a paid job, maybe that would be one thing but there are other options...kennel, pet sitter (which is what I do when we go away). Explain this is what a responsible pet owner should do. It's not your job to swoop in and figure out what to do when she can do it, it doesn't matter if she's in India. She has access to the phone there.

There's a bigger lesson here for your girls than just the cat. Your ex WW is acting entitled and irresponsible...you don't want that kind of stuff rubbing off on them.



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Thanks, everyone. I agree. I won't be taking care of the cat. My daughter will have her boyfriend drive her to her mom's to feed the cat. Her idea, not mine.


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The pet thing is interesting. My ex left a cat she'd owned for 10 years (2 of them before we met) and some time later sent me an email insisting that I find it a good home. Not a bad idea but ironic to me that she would ditch it and then act like she was concerned about its welfare. Or even act like she had a say in the future of an animal she abandoned.

It was a very sweet cat and I ended up giving it to a friend who has always liked it, but anyways, your situation reminded me of it.

Wayward logic 101: Other people can clean up the mess I create in the pursuit of my own happiness.

I agree with the others on letting her deal with it.

Hope your Plan B is going as well as possible. Stay focused on the future you are building for you and your family. God Bless.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
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