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The type of resentment your husband is feeling will go away as soon as the two of you find something else to do that you both enjoy.
The type of resentment you would feel if you just give in and do what he wants WILL NEVER GO AWAY. It will harm your marriage for years to come.
The solution to the conflict you are having is to find something else to do on your return trip home, something you would both love to do. It is not true that seeing his cousin is the ONLY THING he would EVER enjoy doing with you. You've got a world of possibilities out there for you to choose from. Thanks Prisca. I hope you are correct. H wanted some alone time and said he wanted to go to a car wash with our car. I told him to go for it. That was 3 hours ago. I am here, at a condo by myself. He is pretty upset and angry. I am trying to do my assignment from Dr. Harley, tell my H want he is doing that bothers me and asking him to stop. From what he has been saying today, he is not willing to do that. But he also says he is trying to learn. I have no idea what will happen next, if and when he returns. When markos and I were on vacation, and he left our condo in anger to disappear for hours, I posted to Dr. Harley: Dr. Harley,
Do I have to listen to complaints when they are full of lovebusters? We are having a conflict over UA time, and Markos is accusing me of not wanting to spend time with him. He had an AO and made threats over it, telling me he deserves better than me and reminding me of how much I tortured him last year, and made accusations that I'm not willing to work the MB program. He made threats along the lines of "I'm not going to live like this," which to me sounded like "straighten up or I'm leaving you."
It is not true that I do not want to spend time with him. I have thrown myself into UA time, and have enjoyed the time we have together.
He is refusing to talk to me unless I listen to these complaints of his. His tone has been very demanding and harsh all morning, and he refuses to listen to how he has lovebusted me. I'm willing to try to work with him to make UA time better for him, but I don't like the way he is treating me. Do I have to listen to his complaints when he is treating me like this? Dr. Harley's very simple response: Prisca:
How is Markos doing with his anger management program? A point we often make is that if angry outbursts are not eliminated from a marriage, no other problems can be solved.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr. Your marriage is not going to get better until your husband eliminates the demands, disrespect and anger. Negotiation is impossible until those are gone. Other problems cannot be solved until those are gone. So ... how's he doing on eliminating the lovebusters? He was doing quite well with eliminating LB's. Not today. He is saying things that sound like ultimatums to me.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
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How long has it been since his last lovebuster (before today)?
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Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
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H and I spent the day separately. When he came to join me on the beach a little while ago, he was very cold and he said that I have caused the problem today because I brought up MB. He says I have done this several times during this vacation and I LB him which causes his LB's. It is true that I have brought things up because I am trying to do my assignment of telling him when things are bothering me. Except for today, I have asked him first if he wants me to share my feelings and he has said yes. Once I open up, I get LB's. A couple of days ago, I asked him if he thought we should talk about things the forum posters have been telling us. He said he definitely thought we should. A little while ago, he told me I have caused the situation today by talking about MB.
He has told me that he feels that if he could just be heard, get his side of the story across, say the right words in the right way, the responses would be different. While he hasn't said the words, I think he is saying you would all see that I am the problem here.
I am trying to figure out how to not be bitter here and not LB for the rest of our time away from home. Can someone please tell me how to do this?
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
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There's not really much you can do, Barigirl, until he eliminates his demands, disrespect and anger. You cannot negotiate anything until that happens.
Avoid having discussions face to face about his lovebusters. Put your complaints in writing (either a notebook, or email). Discussing your complaints face to face will only lead to lovebusting right now. Refuse to enter into a debate about what you feel. You simply feel what you feel, and you don't need to justify it.
If he wants to debate, he can do it by himself in an empty room. Don't engage. If he wants to get past the "do nothing" part of POJA, then he is going to have to approach you with respect.
Guard against lovebusters yourself. Don't try to educate him on any of this -- he's got Dr. Harley, the books, and us on the forum to educate him. Your job is just to respectfully let him know what your complaints are, then leave it at that.
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There's not really much you can do, Barigirl, until he eliminates his demands, disrespect and anger. You cannot negotiate anything until that happens.
Avoid having discussions face to face about his lovebusters. Put your complaints in writing (either a notebook, or email). Discussing your complaints face to face will only lead to lovebusting right now. Refuse to enter into a debate about what you feel. You simply feel what you feel, and you don't need to justify it.
If he wants to debate, he can do it by himself in an empty room. Don't engage. If he wants to get past the "do nothing" part of POJA, then he is going to have to approach you with respect.
Guard against lovebusters yourself. Don't try to educate him on any of this -- he's got Dr. Harley, the books, and us on the forum to educate him. Your job is just to respectfully let him know what your complaints are, then leave it at that. Thank you, Prisca. I appreciate your concise explanation of what I am to do and not do.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
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There's not really much you can do, Barigirl, until he eliminates his demands, disrespect and anger. You cannot negotiate anything until that happens.
Avoid having discussions face to face about his lovebusters. Put your complaints in writing (either a notebook, or email). Discussing your complaints face to face will only lead to lovebusting right now. Refuse to enter into a debate about what you feel. You simply feel what you feel, and you don't need to justify it.
If he wants to debate, he can do it by himself in an empty room. Don't engage. If he wants to get past the "do nothing" part of POJA, then he is going to have to approach you with respect.
Guard against lovebusters yourself. Don't try to educate him on any of this -- he's got Dr. Harley, the books, and us on the forum to educate him. Your job is just to respectfully let him know what your complaints are, then leave it at that. h is super frustrated that we are on vacation and not having the good time we hoped and not resolving things either. He also gets frustrated with the logistics of posting on the forum with the tools he has re ipad mini. I know I am not supposed to educate him. This feeling of being "stuck" is difficult. I was reading other threads where issues parallel ours in some ways. Would it be okay for us to read these threads together and discuss or is that me educating him?
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
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Discussing other peoples problems is a great way to learn  It's sometimes easier to see the solution to their problems because you are not emotionally involved in the dispute.
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Discussing other peoples problems is a great way to learn It's sometimes easier to see the solution to their problems because you are not emotionally involved in the dispute. Thanks, Prisca, we will try this.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
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The downward spiral continues. I don't know what to do.
H and I are barely speaking. I am moving deeply into withdrawal. He seems to be as well.
I have said maybe we should just give up and separate. H replies that is what I have wanted all along. This is not "what I have wanted all along" but he has said this a dozen times recently.
He insists that if he wants to do something and I don't, then doing nothing is him capitulating. He wants me to have "goodwill" and do this thing that is "so important to him".
The forum tells me not to make reluctant agreements.
What am I supposed to do? We are on vacation, in what has been, for several years, our "happy place" and this year it is hell.
He tells me he isn't having any fun with me. It may be somewhat obvious that I am not "having fun" either.
I realize this post is not particularly coherent but can someone please tell me what to do?
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
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Is he still reading here?
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He insists that if he wants to do something and I don't, then doing nothing is him capitulating. He wants me to have "goodwill" and do this thing that is "so important to him". We have explained to him that this is not capitulation so he knows it is not. It would be capitulation if you did something against your will, so you should not do that. It is not "goodwill" to force your spouse to do something she does not want to do. That is what he is trying to do. If it were me, I would end the vacation and go home so you can escape him. Can you fly home?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Is he still reading here? He is reading once in a while. He does listen to the radio show every day and we do have a subscription to the archives.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
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If it were me, I would end the vacation and go home so you can escape him. Can you fly home? That is what I would do, as well. He is putting pressure on you to manipulate you to just do what he wants because that has worked for him in the past.
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He insists that if he wants to do something and I don't, then doing nothing is him capitulating. He wants me to have "goodwill" and do this thing that is "so important to him". We have explained to him that this is not capitulation so he knows it is not. It would be capitulation if you did something against your will, so you should not do that. It is not "goodwill" to force your spouse to do something she does not want to do. That is what he is trying to do. If it were me, I would end the vacation and go home so you can escape him. Can you fly home? Thanks, ML.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
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If it were me, I would end the vacation and go home so you can escape him. Can you fly home? That is what I would do, as well. He is putting pressure on you to manipulate you to just do what he wants because that has worked for him in the past. Thanks Prisca. I know that is good advice, to end the vacation.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
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I tried to send a private message but the site says private messages are disabled. Is this not permitted?
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
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Marriage Builders doesn't allow private messages on their forum.
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Marriage Builders doesn't allow private messages on their forum. Ok thanks for the info.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
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Who were you wanting to send a private message to?
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